NARRABUNDAH 1/2
created by Urac Sigma and Suzy Styles
Volume III, chapter one
Yo Mama! (Literally)
by Nicole Wylie
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SIGMATOME RATBAT
In trouble
TENDO SUZY
Record holder for the most Dobermans beaten up
(Where'd you think the collar came from?)
TENDO NIKI
Financial fruitcake
SIGMATOME LEN
Mostly human (some of the time)
SIGMATOME NICOLE
It's a katana!
HAPPOUSAI GRAHAM
What can I say? He's a hentai
KUNOU KUNOU
HODJSUKE TIMOTHY
Batman and Robin. Kind of. Loosely speaking.
No, there's no
LOST BOY
in this sequence just yet.
Not to worry, I'll make up for it
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[Hentai! (Lyrics at the end of this chapter)
plays in the background. Suzy and Ratbat do an
assortment of martial arts poses, impossibly
high anime leaps, etc.]
SUZY [VO]: YO MAMA! (Literally.)
1. OUTSIDE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE. 8:55 A.M.
[Pan view of the street, all is peaceful.
Suddenly a cloud of dust rises in the distance.
It thickens and comes closer. We see it is being
thrown up by three madly running girls.
Surprise, surprise, it's Niki, wearing a Kimba
crop-top, a short skirt, and stockings decorated
with dollar and yen signs. In front of her is
Suzy, wearing workboots, thick jeans, a
Bubblegum Crisis T-shirt, and 'Jean-Luc' (ooops,
sorry, her collar). Her ribbons are flapping in
the breeze generated by the girl in front,
Ratbat-chan. She's wearing a red blouse under a
jacket with a Star Trek communicator on the
lapel.]
RATBAT: Och now, come on you guys! For Glenda's sake,
we're gonna be laaaaate!
NIKI: So [pant, pant] what? Better late [pant] than
collapsing! [puff]
SUZY: Baka! You want to tell that to Ruthie-sensei?
[Niki blanches, and picks up the pace. Soon
she's outrunning Ratbat. As they near the school
they slow down. Somewhat. Maybe down to about
Mach 2. This is just as well as barrelling
around the corner from the other direction comes
Ruthie-sensei. She's dragging a tallish
redhaired girl behind her. Actually, dragging is
the wrong word. Said girl is flying along, feet
off the ground.]
[Ruthie-sensei is wearing her typical cutesy
girlish clothing - a sailor suit with a huge red
bow at the back. The tallish redhaired girl is
wearing glasses, a pair of drill pants and a
blouse. All look too large and too old for her.
Over this she's wearing a very impressive long
black cloak lined in red. The cloak almost hides
the large baguette-like item at her waist.]
RUTHIE: It was very bad of you to try and wag school!
On your first day too! Tut-tut. I may have to
discipline you. [Smirks happily]
TALLISH REDHAIRED GIRL:But I'm telling you, the cop got it
wrong! I...EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[This last scream is caused by the Tallish
Redhaired Girl suddenly seeing the imminent
collision. Ruthie-sensei doesn't.]
[Sound effect: a very large crash. Dust flies.
When it settles, all five girls are sitting in a
heap.]
ALL: Oooh boy. That hurt.
[All help each other up, and limp into the
school. The Tallish Redhaired Girl, still dazed,
offers no further resistance, just pushes up her
glasses in a habitual gesture.]
RATBAT [VO]: Hey, do I know you from somewhere?
T.R.G. [VO]: I was about to ask you the same. You look
like...nah. Couldn't be.
SUZY[VO]: So, how old are you?
T.R.G. [VO]: Um.
[Cut to:]
2. OUTSIDE KUNOU MANOR.
KUNOU [VO]: Despite the evil spell laid on her by that
cowardly knave, Ratbat, I will win over the
ponīteru no onna with my charm, style, and
[affects salesman grin]...this really cute doll,
enchanted by the voodoo doctor Gosunkugi Sam,
guaranteed to break all spells! And then,
happy to follow her friend's lead, Tendo Suzy
will fall into my arms. [Gives a very Kodachi
laugh.]
[The camera zooms to a window. Through the
glass:]
3. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[We see Kunou Jarrah making hero poses with his
rubber sword. The effect is spoiled by the
wobble in the sword and the cute doll next to
his feet. Behind him, Tim enters, conspicuously
making noise. Jarrah doesn't notice.]
TIM [quietly]: Kunou-sama...
KUNOU [in falsetto voice]: Oooh Jarrah, you're so wonderful,
how can I ever thank you! [Normal voice] heh-
heh. Soon my lovely, you will be free to respond
to my manliness.
TIM [louder]:Kunou-sama...
[At this point, his sword wobbles even further,
and his muscles, straining to keep their pose,
give up and collapse.]
KUNOU: Hmmm. Two minutes in The Stance this time.
Jarrah, you're getting very impressive. The
ladies will love you.
TIM [shouting]: Kunou-sama!
KUNOU: No need to shout. I'm not deaf.
TIM: Uh, you're going to be late, Kunou-sama.
KUNOU: So? Tim, my boy, it's time you learned that the
world revolves around me.
TIM: Hai, but today is Ruthie-sensei's first day
back.
[Cut to:]
4. OUTSIDE KUNOU MANOR.
[Jarrah, pale and quivering, is racing down the
drive.]
5. R & S CLASSROOM.
[Ruthie-sensei is calling the roll. As with any
Narrabundah roll, the names are in no particular
order.]
RUTHIE: Tendo Suzy?
SUZY: Hai.
[The redhaired girl looks up, startled, reaches
into the leather pack next to her desk and
rummages through it, coming up with a fistful of
papers. Flipping through them she finds one. It
looks to be a contract of some sort. She reads
it through and nods, satisfied, pushing up her
glasses.]
T.R.G. [VO]: That's right...that's one of the Tendo girls,
Ratbat's fiance... Suzy. The feral one. She'll
be good for him.
RUTHIE: Sigmatome Ratbat?
RATBAT: Hai.
6. QUAD.
[A scream echoes through the school, shaking the
walls and shattering some glass panels.]
T.R.G.: HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE A MAN OF YOU!!
[One of the doors to the courtyard shatters
open. Through it hurtles a very frightened
Ratbat-chan, followed closely by a furious
Tallish Red-haired Girl.]
T.R.G.: You will turn into a man!
RATBAT: Hey, um, could we talk this over?
[TRG, black cloak swirling around her, pulls out
the baguette, unsheathing a katana from within
it. Her breathing is heavy and measured, she
raises the katana over her head: The dramatic
effect is rather spoiled by her glasses sliding
down her nose.]
T.R.G.: You will turn, or you will be destroyed!
RATBAT: I'm telling ye, I need hot wa-AAAAAH!
[TRG makes a swing at Ratbat. They fence around
the quadrangle for a bit. Well, TRG fences,
Ratbat just runs. Suzy arrives on the scene.]
RATBAT: Suzy! I need hot water, baka!
SUZY [VO]: Hot water! Ratbat's in it up to her cute pointy
teeth! [Beat] I don't believe I just said that!
Well, thought it. Suzy, this vampire fetish has
got to go!
[Races out with a Sailor Moon mug full of hot
water, flings it over Ratbat-chan. The usual
happens. However, the water also splashes onto
the Tallish Redhaired Girl, with unusual
results: She gets taller and older, until there
stands a demure, yet formidable, forty-ish year-
old woman. Her glasses fit (yay).]
[She looks familiar, very familiar...]
NICOLE: Your father promised he'd make a man of you! He
promised! And now you're a girl!
[She starts to cry, slips on a puddle and gets
soaked, turning back into a fourteen year old.
Ratbat looks shocked.]
RATBAT: Mum? You're...um.
[Backs away slowly, staring. Nicole continues to
cry. Suzy comes over, still holding the mug,
looking just as lost as Ratbat.]
[Enter Kunou Jarrah.]
KUNOU: There she is, that Aphrodite of my heart, that
redhaired Venus... Wait, that's not the
delectable ponīteru no onna! Who could it be?
Some new siren sent from the heavens to gain my
attentions! Have no fear! they will not be
withheld! But what is this! That delectable
charmer is crying! and the cause - Ratbat ! Oh,
foul fiend, larcenous sorcerer!
[Enter Gosunkugi, panting. He races up to
Jarrah.]
GOSUNKUGI: The doll, Sempai! have you still got the doll?
KUNOU: Hai, But why, O faithful voodoo
doctor/magician/thingy-whatever-you-are?
GOSUNKUGI [uncomfortably]: I uh, I made a mistake. . . With
the doll.
KUNOU [forgetting to be ultra-formal]:NANI...!?
GOSUNKUGI: I made the wrong doll - this one doesn't break
spells - it makes them unbreakable, whatever
curse is in operation when the doll is given
will stay in operation forever. But you've still
got the doll, so all's well, eh ? [laughs
nervously, backing away slowly from an irate-
looking Jarrah] All you have to do is hang onto
it or give it to someone who's not under any
magic, okay? [By this time he's shouting, having
backed away to the other side of the quad.
Nobody else notices ]
KUNOU [VO]: Give it to somebody not under a spell... Heh,
and kill two birds with one doll er-stone
[assumes his really pathetic I'm-after-you-my-
divine-woman look] Literally. Tim!
[A few seconds later Tim materialises beside
Jarrah.]
TIM: Sorry I'm a little late, I ran into some rabid
hammers, and they...
KUNOU: Silence, O faithful servant! And listen to my
plan.
TIM [genuinely impressed]: You have a plan?
KUNOU [ignoring him]: I will give the really cute doll to
the onna sitting there crying. Not only will she
forget her tears, and fall into my arms in
gratitude, but Tendo Suzy, seeing my great
generosity towards a crying girl, will
understand at last my natural superiority to
that foul scum Ratbat! Both beautiful birds will
be eating from my hand!
[At this stage, Tim is looking a trifle bored.
Actually, he's asleep. Jarrah strides (no, he
never walks - he's too image conscious for
that.) over to the still whimpering Nicole, and
the now heatedly arguing Ratbat and Suzy (so
what's new?)]
SUZY: Fighting your mother? Ratbat no baka!
RATBAT: Well how was I to know? She didnae come at you
with a bloody great baguette, did she?
NICOLE [quietly, sniffing]: Kore wa katana desu.
SUZY: Well, I'd have waited before trying to eat the
damn breadstick!
NICOLE [louder, a bit angrier]: Katana desu.
RATBAT: I didn't have breakfast - I was hungry! Anyhow,
most baguettes dinna have blades in the middle!
[very quietly] Unless you've been cooking again.
NICOLE [very loud, very angry]: KATANA KATANA KATANA DAYO!
And don't you bloody forget it!
[Draws the blade, and all of a sudden it does
look like a katana. Damn, another illusion
shattered. At this point Kunou, having tripped
over the hem of his Hakama due to his long
strides, disentangles himself from his rubber
sword and makes it the rest of the way over.]
KUNOU [not having realised that Nicole is nolonger crying]:
Here, O beauteous one, cease your tears...
NICOLE: I already did. [To Ratbat] Who is this guy?
KUNOU: I am the answer to your dreams [hands her the
doll. She takes it, bemused. There is a
thunderclap over her head for an instant, and
then everything is back to normal] Now, how
about a date?
NICOLE: BAKA! I'm married, you twit!
RATBAT: You shouldnae be accepting gifts from strange
men.
SUZY: He's not strange, he's just got the brains of a
rabid ferret on heat.
RATBAT: Oh. I see. And you dinna consider that strange?
SUZY: Hmmm. I see your point.
[Kunou looks from Nicole to Ratbat and back
again. There is a sound of rusty cogs turning.
finally there is an audible click. A very dim
lightbulb appears over Jarrah's head.]
KUNOU: So, fiendish Ratbat! You engage yourself to
Tendo Suzy, enchant the ponīteru no onna and
are married to this siren of beauty!
[The lightbulb over Jarrah's head pops audibly,
followed by groans from all three Sigmatomes
[Well, Suzy's engaged to one, isn't she?].]
KUNOU [self]:Not bad, given he's only sixteen. [Louder] I
will defeat thee in combat once and for all now,
and win the freedom of these lovely ladies.
[Tries a bawdy wink. It doesn't work.]
RATBAT [by now thoroughly disgusted]: In your dreams.
[Goes into a fighting stance. Nicole looks on
happily.]
NICOLE: That's my little man!
[Suzy gives one of her evil-yet-bawdy grins (she
does this often), looks at Nicole and slaps her
hands over her mouth.]
Kunou and Ratbat fight, Kunou's sword wobbles,
tripping him. So intent on the fight is everyone
that they don't see the small twelve year old
figure approaching. Yes, it's...
RUTHIE [really hamming up the accent]:Ullo Ullo Ullo, wot
'ave we 'ere? Running out of my class to have a
fight, are we?
[Kunou and Ratbat see her simultaneously, and
blanch.]
RUTHIE: You boys have too much energy don't you? well,
we'll just have to fix that [grins evilly]
[Ruthie sensei does the coin thing, and sure
enough, both boys collapse, drained. Sexy Ruth
then turns and slinks (no, she doesn't walk
either) away.]
NICOLE: That middle-aged lady was really angry with you.
[She and Suzy then pick up Ratbat and wander out
of the school. Niki trails after them.]
NIKI: I don't believe it! I mean, talk about your
dysfunctional family, this makes even the
Simpsons look tame, even if they are yellow.
What're the odds of them getting it together
before, say, Christmas...
[Takes out a pocket calculator and
absentmindedly begins punching in numbers.
Biiiig numbers. Fade to black.]
[End music Friends plays, although this time
only an instrumental version (despite this,
you'll still find lyrics at the end of this
chapter) while over the sound, comes the...]
END CREDITS.
[Scene remains dark, except for illustrating
images that follow each word.]
SUZY [VO]: Stay tuned, next episode, for betrayal, revenge,
a love that crossed oceans, honour, and
underpants... Underpants? Nerf! Who wrote this
epilogue?
GRAHAM [VO]: [giggles]
[There is a faint sound of a small grey haired
pervert hitting the far wall after being thumped
with a mallet.]
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Sigmatome Nicole
NICOLE WYLIE
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Ruthie-sensei
RUTH CRABB
Kunou Jarrah
JARRAH JOB
Hodjsuke Timothy
TIM HODGE
Gosunkugi Sam
SAM SMITH
Happousai Graham
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
written by
NICOLE WYLIE
lingual assistance and editing help
SUZY STYLES
URAC SIGMA
with many profound apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
GEORGE LUCAS
THE PEOPLE BEHIND SUMO DO, SUMO DON'T
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/bundahalf.html
A Coyote Ink Risis production, shamefully ripped off from a
Recycladelic Cacti effort
(c) Coyote Ink Risis/Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVII
Narrabundah 1/2 Volume III opening theme song
HENTAI!
Pervert!
Singers: Suzy Styles and Urac Sigma
Lyricist: Oikawa Nemuko
Composer: Matsumoto Toshiaki and Urac Sigma
Arranger: Sagisu Shirou
Translation: Theresa Martin and Urac Sigma
SUZY
** Hentai! Hentai! Boku no josei wa
Hentai! Hentai! o-teage NASHI yo
kono yo de hitori no KIMI da mono
Pervert! Pervert! My fiancé, you're a...
Pervert! Pervert! I won't give up!
Because you're the only thing in my world.
hizashi to tsurunde aruku sunahama
KIMI ga sashi-dashita yume no PARA- PARA- PARASORU
mune no naka kaze ga fuita mitai ni
kusunda omoi ga ikki ni souji sarete yuku no
Walking with sunlight on a sandy beach.
You hold over me a dream's para- para- [pun: patter
patter] parasol.
In my heart, as if a wind blew,
all at once, tickled feelings are cleaned out.
Ha~han yubi ga furuete
Ha~han hoho ga atsukute
hajime no ippo yo
ZUBARI [ZUBARI] koi desu dareka monku aru?
Ha-han My fingers tremble.
Ha-han My cheeks get hot.
It's the first step!
Frankly [frankly], it's love. Anyone got a problem with
that?
* zettai! zettai! don to kamaete
zettai! zettai! KIMI mo tokoton
sono ai watashi ni kimenasai
Absolutely! Absolutely! Vigorously getting ready,
Absolutely! Absolutely! Please also
resolve your love to me to the finish.
RATBAT
* Repeat
KAMOME o yubisashi warau [kanji: hohoe] yokogao
KIMI ga utsushi-dasu toki [kanji: jikan] no PURI- PURI-
PURIZUMU
magatta kimochi no hito kakera sae
doko o sagashite mo hora ne mitsukarikkonai yo
Pointing at seagulls, your smiling face in profile.
You reflect time's pri- pri- [pun: diffusive] prism.
Wherever you search, see, you certainly won't find
even one fragment of perverse feelings!
RATBAT & SUZY
Ha~han koukai nante
Ha~han o-yobi ja nai no
naita-tte MARU
ZUBARI [ZUBARI] suki desu inochi kaketemasu
Ha-han Regret
Ha-han is unnecessary.
Even if I cried, I'm all right.
Frankly [frankly], I love you. I bet my life!
** 2x Repeat
SUZY & RATBAT
* Repeat
Narrabundah 1/2 Volume III end theme song
FRIENDS
Singer: Euan Bowen
Lyricist: Ooyama Junko
Composer: Minami Shunichi
Arranger: Mori Eiji
taorete-kisou-na BIRU no mori no sumi
hazumu kokyuu o nomikonde kakureta
In a corner of a forest of as if collapsing buildings,
gulping in panting breaths, I hid.
himitsu no roji wo surinuke
yubisaki kasume-nigeru FURENZU
tada no GEEMU ja nakatta
ummei sae KIMEtanda
Slipping through a secret alley,
friends going past my fingertips.
It wasn't just a game.
It decided even fate.
* kaerimichi ni otoshita PAN ga
ASUFARUTO de kudakete mo
senaka tataku kaze ga hakobu yo
natsukashii ashioto soshite KIMI no koe
* On the way back, even if the dropped bread
breaks on the asphalt,
the wind hitting my back carries
sweet footsteps and your voice!
koborete-kisou-na tsuki no DOROPPU de
museta namida o nomikonde waratta
At as if overflowing moondrops,
swallowing tears from coughing, I laughed.
minareta kouen no yoru
naze konna ni hiroi no FURENZU
kono te o hanasanaide
otoshiana shitteru n da
Night in a familiar park,
why is it so vast, my friends?
Don't let go of my hand,
I know where pits are.
sunao sugiru yokogao dakara
uso wa chotto tsukenakute
tenohira ni mada nokotte-iru
tooi hi no yakusoku soshite KIMI no yume
Your profile looks too innocent, so
I just couldn't lie to you,
leaving behind still in my palm,
a promise from long ago and your dream.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
This is the first of what may or may not be about five
episodes of Narrabundah 1/2 - Warped Mirror (a continuance of
the series will depend on how much of my throat Ratbat rips
out when she reads this fanfic of her series, however, if
you're reading this episode, then you can assume I'm out of
hospital and the teethmarks are healing off nicely).
This is NOT a part of Narrabundah 1/2 as written by Urac Sigma.
It is a fanfic of the fanfic of...It made so much sense when I
started.
Anyhow, I have let Urac do all the hard work of developing
characters etc, and have simply fiddled with what she's
produced. Assume that this episode fits in around about volume
I episode 9 (i.e. that everything is the same between the two
up to that point). From here on in, there will be little in
common as we go our separate ways with the characters and the
situations. For starters, Urac's Nicole will probably remain
forty seven, rather than fourteen.
Speaking of which: yes, this is an ego trip for the author's
character. Or at least the first two episodes will be, after
that, who knows, my sense of humour is weird and probably not
as appealing as Urac's.
Before you say it, yes, I know my Japanese is awful. All I
know I learnt from watching anime, reading Narrabundah 1/2,
and a crash language session with Suzy in front of a computer
full of Ranma pics. However, if you (general reader) have
gotten your paws on this episode, then this will probably be a
lot less noticeable as I'll have gotten language assistance.
I guess that's about it.
Ja ne,
Nicole
EDITOR'S NOTES
Actually, that's not about it. Since Nicole wrote this, it's
actually become an accepted part of the Narrabundah 1/2 canon -
the mystery-shrouded third volume.
A couple of notes, though:
1) Yes, the next promised instalment was Movie I.
Chronologically, it still is. This actually takes place after
the movie, even though it's being released before it. If
nothing else because Nicole can finish an episode quicker than
we can finish a movie.
2) As Nicole says above, she originally thought that this
would be a separate storyline, and as such she began it while
Volume I was out. Hence, in the early chapters of this volume,
some later characters might take a while to appear.
3) In case you're wondering, Nicole survived this experience
with her throat intact.
Ja ne,
Urac Sigma
Canberra, August 1997
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| 'We're Starfleet officers. Weird is part of the job.' |
| Captain Kathryn Janeway |
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| Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma, the Green Flame u962986@student.canberra.edu.au |
| To the Ratcave! http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/index.html |
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