OK, here's the key to symbols and stuff:
' ' -sarcasm
< > --thought
[ ] -action, setting, other occurrences
{ } -Panda sign
BEGIN SELF INSERTION FIC
[The scene begins with a shot of the edge of a forest. Coming out
of the forest is a dirt path, with two teenage boys standing, right at
the edge of the wilderness. One is around 6 foot, with a medium
build and blonde hair. He is wearing a cloak, and is holding two
sticks, with three sharp metal claws on each. The other is taller,
with a very large build, also with blond hair. He is standing with
one hand on his hip and the other rubbing his chin, with a
contemplative look on his face.]
Guy 2: So now what do we do? We're even more lost than we
were before! That's the last time I let you lead the way.
Guy 1: Relax, John, at least we lost your 'girl friend.'
John: So?! I want to go back home and...what do you mean,
girlfriend? Have you forgotten already that she's out for my blood?
Guy 1: Oh come on, John. It's all your fault she was after you in
the first place! You should have known better than to run around
making passes at amazons.
John: Man, what's the harm in complementing her very shapely
body? Was I lying?
Paul: I don't think it was the compliment; just the little comment on
what you'd like to do with that "shapely body" that got you in
trouble..
John: So maybe I shouldn't have made that crack about the melons.
She didn't have to attack me like that! And why did she kiss me if
she didn't like me?
Paul: Huh? She kissed you?! I don't know! Besides, it doesn't
really matter, because she just attacked us a few minutes ago, and I
don't think she was dropping in to say hello!
John: All right! All right! I get the point! She hates me because
I'm a guy and I beat her twice and I-
Paul: Knocked her into a spring-you know that guide guy said it
was cursed or something...
John. I know, I know-THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT PAUL! Who
else would take a 'short cut' and end up in China?!
Paul: Excuse me! Is it my fault you went and sexually harassed the
most feminist culture on the face of the Earth?!
John: Hmmph! Well let's just concentrate on finding our way back
home.
Paul: Oh don't worry about it...I think I know a short cut.
John: NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Paul: Just kidding man! Don't have a heart attack. Look, there's
civilization that way, let's go into town and ask for directions.
[Later]
The pair follows the path down a hill and ends up in...a
school yard.
John: Hey, you were right! Maybe your sense of direction isn't as
bad as I thought!
Paul: Well, I could see the place-I'm not blind, you know.
Academic activities are in full swing, as the entire grounds
are swarming with students. John and Paul pass by and are almost
completely across the school grounds when John is knocked on the
head by a little old man carrying a large sack. Something flies out
of the sack and John picks it out of the air.
John: A...bra?! What the-*CRUNCH* *CRASH* *STOMP*
*SPLAT*
Paul leaps out of the way as a large crowd of angry school
girls trample John and resume chasing the old man. One girl slows
and notices a very wide-eyed Paul staring down at something.
Looking down, she notices that she is standing on top of the very
trampled form of John.
Girl: [steps off of John] Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you...alright?
John: [A bit out of it] Don'menchinit...
Paul: [snapping out of his trance] Uh...John?
John: [still in English] Heyee...Unklejim...havemp seen youinah
wile...
Paul: [notices the girl] Uh...he's kinda messed up; is there
anywhere we can take him?
Girl: Yeah, we can take him into the school infirmary. Here, let me
help you.
John: [notices he is being lifted off the ground] uhHEY
whadderyou pickin meyup for?
Paul and the girl carry/drag John into the school.
Girl: Geez he's heavy!
They continue to drag him through the hallway and into the
infirmary. It takes three other people to lift John up and guide him
onto the bed.
John: ZZZZzzzzz...
Paul: Well, thanks for the help. [notices that John is still holding
the bra] What the heck was going on out there?!
Girl: Oh, that was just an old lecher on his daily routine.
Paul: Daily...Routine?! He does this every day?
Girl: Well, only when he can get past Ranma.
Paul: Who?
Girl: Oh! I haven't even introduced myself...I'm Akane Tendo.
Paul: Paul Schumacher. That [points to John] is John.
John: ZZZZzzzzz...
Paul: Nice to meet you. Anyway...who exactly is Ranma?
Akane: He's my...fiancee...sorta...but our parents arranged the
whole thing and neither of us had a say in it and-
John: *HACK* *KOFF* ZZZZ *SNORT* zzzzz...
Akane: [looking at John] Does he...always sleep this loudly?
Paul: Unfortunately, yes.
[The school bell rings]
Akane: Oh no! That was the bell. I gotta get to class. Bye!
[takes off]
Paul: [waves to empty space] See ya...
[Time Passes]
[Paul looks at his watch and sighs]
[More time passes]
[Paul goes to the window to get some air]
[Would you believe it? More time passes]
Paul: God how long is he going to sleep here? Everybody's gone
except us! [Grabs John by the shoulders and starts to shake him
violently] WAKE UP ALREADY!!!!!!!
John: [Waking up] Wha-a-a-at the-e-e-e f-f-u-u-u-c-k m-m-a-a-a-
n-n?!
[Paul ceases his shaking and glares at John]
John: Goddammit Paul, you gave me a headache.
Paul: I'm going out of my mind and you just sleep!!!
John: Hey, that's the most sleep I've gotten in 3 months thanks to
you and your 'short cut'!!!
Paul: Well if you hadn't pissed that Amazon off then we would
have been able to get more sleep now wouldn't we!? You just have
to hit on everything that has a good body and breathes don't you?!!
John: ...which leads right back to your short cut and the fact that
we TOOK it in the first place. Next time we follow my directions.
Paul: WHAT?!?!?!?! [Paul's face reddens, then he relaxes and
smiles] As I recall, I went the other way at that path. I told you not
to go that way, but you decided that my direction was all wrong.
So while I was relaxing in a hot spring, you were running from a
crazed Amazon who figured she'd remove you from the gene pool!
[John flips Paul the finger and gets off the bed. He heads for the
door]
Paul: [Paul grins and looks out the window] It looks like it's going
to be a beautiful evening. [He then turns around, notices John is
gone, and casually walks out of the room.]
[Paul and John exit the school]
John: So where are we anyway?
Paul: Somewhere in Japan.
John: How do you figure?
Paul: Because the girl I was talking to a minute ago was speaking
Japanese.
John: Ahhh...
[They reach the front end of the school yard and stop.]
John: Hey, what's this?
Paul: It's a sign, dumb-ass.
John: [Tries to pronounce the words on the sign]
F...Fu...Ri...n...kan...and this means 'high school'
Paul: Furinkan High School...Hmmm...I'll have to remember that.
John: Yeah, whatever...we have to find some place to stay the
night.
Paul: Let's go this way.
John: No way! I'm not following you any more! I'm going this
way.
Paul: Oh god, here we go again-
[Paul's speech is interrupted as a small creature of some sort flies at
John and attacks.]
John: AAAAHHHH! What the hell it this?!?!?!? Ow! Aie!
Damn! Ahhhhhh!
[The pair is enveloped in a cloud of dust, and yipes and yells
continue to emanate from raucous.]
Paul: [Drawing one of his fighting sticks] John, don't move!
[Paul swings the stick blindly into the cloud, and is rewarded with a
*THUD*]
John: OW! Watch it dumbass!!!
Creature: Yipe! Yipe! Grrrrowl...*CHOMP*
John: OW! Dammit, Paul, get this thing off me!!!
[Paul jumps into the cloud of smoke and grabs at something]
John: *GLOMP* Paul, that's my nose! *GRAB* OWWW!!!
*THUMP*
Creature: Yipe!
[The creature is knocked out and is laying on the ground twitching
when the smoke clears.]
Paul: What the...John, you just got your ass kicked by a dog the
size of a football.
John: Wha? That little dog packs one hell of a punch, man!
Paul: You got beat up by a Chihuahua.
John: Shut up!
Paul: [trying not to laugh] hehehe...[really trying not to laugh]
hahehaheha...*gasp* [oh screw it] HA HA HA HA HA!!! [Paul
falls down and has tears coming out of his eyes] HA HA HA!!!
*GASP* Oh my god I can't breath!
John: Grrrr.
[John picks himself off the ground and gives Paul the big bad boot
(see Battletoads), sending him flying into the horizon.]
John: Laugh that off!
Paul: AAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhh........[fades into the horizon]
Chihuahua: Grrrrrowl...[Lunges at John and attacks again.]
[This time John is prepared. He grabs the Chihuahua by the nape
off the neck and throws it off into the horizon.]
John: Same goes for you, you little pest!
Chihuahua: Aieeeeeeee!
John: Hmmm...now where do I go? This way. [Ironically, this is
the way Paul wanted to go.]
[We pan over to a bath house. The Chihuahua flies through the
window and lands in one of the baths (on the women's side). Out
of the warm water emerges an attractive young woman.]
[Pan over to the Tendo Dojo.]
Paul: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *SPLASH* [lands in pond]
Kasumi: Oh my! Ranma must be home.
Paul: *gurgle* *glub* *glub* [drags himself out of the pond and
onto solid ground] *GASP* *COUGH* [lies on the ground
wheezing and generally out of it]
Akane: [to Kasumi] But Ranma's already home. He's in the dojo
right now!
Kasumi: We must have a visitor then.
[The entire Tendo family crowds out the door, followed by 'Mister
Panda'.]
Nabiki: [walks over to Paul and taps him on the head] Hmmm...
Akane: [also walks over to Paul] Hey, this is the guy from school
today!
Mr. Panda: {What's all the raucous?}
Paul: ----------------
Nabiki: He's out cold.
[Meanwhile, John continues to wander the streets of Nerima,
without a clue as to where he is.]
John: Man, I've been wandering around here for hours! [his
stomach growls] Hmmm...time to get a bite to eat. [smells
something cooking] Mmmm...
[John, now starving, drags himself up to a restaurant.]
John: This looks like a nice place. [Attempts to read the sign]
Umrin? No. Ukchin's? Nope. Uc...uc-chiyan...Ah! Uc-chan's!
Hmmm...works.
[John enters the restaurant. It is a snug little diner with a few tables
and chairs. The main sitting area appears to be the counter, where
there are a couple of customers eating...pancakes? There is a
young woman cooking the food and serving the people. John
makes his way to the counter and has a seat.]
Ukyo: So what'll it be, sugar?
John: What's the special?
Ukyo: Okonomiyaki.
John: Owimokiyagi?
Ukyo: Okonomiyaki.
John: Oh! Sorry. Okuyomiyaki. I'll have some of that, please.
Ukyo: Ok, and it's OKONOMIYAKI!
John: What?
Ukyo: Never mind.
[A few minutes pass, and Ukyo serves John his food. John looks at
it.]
John: Hey cool! Okyonomiyoki's some kind of weird pizza thing.
[Chows down] And it's pretty good too!
[Ukyo just glares at John as he polishes off the food in record time]
Ukyo: Man, you're even worse than Ranma!
John: [mouth is still full] hmm?
Ukyo: Never mind.
John: Wait...I think I've heard that name before...
Ukyo: I'm not surprised. He's pretty well known around here.
Say, you don't look Japanese.
John: That's 'cause I'm American.
Female Voice: JOHHHHHHN!!!
John: Now where have I heard that voice before? [looks around
and focuses on the woman standing in the doorway. We notice that
it is the same one from the bath house. She is dressed in Amazon
clothing.] Uh-oh.
Amazon: John! You die now! [She lunges at John baring a large
club]
John: Ahhhh!!!! [Dodges as the club smashes the counter. All the
customers flee and Ukyo stands there with huge eyes.]
[The Amazon tries again, this time smashing a table, sending chairs
flying, and making a rather large hole in the floor. John dodges
again, regains his balance, and picks up a table. When the Amazon
attacks again, he throws it like a frisbee and knocks her down. The
table continues, and smashes a huge hole where the door should be]
Ukyo: HEY!!!!! YOU'RE DESTROYING MY
RESTAURANT!!!! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!!!!
[With that, the Amazon cracks John across the head with the club.
It breaks, but John goes flying through the wall.]
Ukyo: MY WALL!!!! Ok, THAT'S IT! [She takes out a
ridiculously large spatula and jumps the Amazon. The Amazon is
taken by surprise, and Ukyo smacks her upside the head with the
spatula. The amazon strikes back, and the fight continues.]
John: [regaining consciousness] Ugh. Ow. [Staggers to his feet]
Man, that stupid amazon...I wish she'd just give up and go back to
China. [His words are greeted by the Amazon woman crashing
down on him and smashing him into the ground] Oh...MAN...this
SUCKS, man... [He passes out again.]
[Fade to black and pan to Tendo Dojo.]
Paul: Oooohhhh.....
Kasumi: Oh, he's waking up. [Paul reaches up and touches the
damp cloth on his forehead.] How are you feeling?
Paul: Like hell.
Kasumi: Oh my, that bad?
Paul: Uh-huh.
Kasumi: Well just lie still and rest.
Paul: Where am I.......
[Paul doesn't hear the responds because his ribs suddenly scream in
pain causing him to grimace and groan.]
Kasumi: Oh my! Don't move.
Akane: [Entering the room] Is he awake? [Looks at Paul] You're
the guy from school today...Paul, right?
Paul: Yea...thanks for helping...me...ow my ribs are killing me!
Nabiki: [walks into the room holding a sheet of paper.] I see that
you're awake. Here...this is for you.
Paul: W-what's this?
Nabiki: The bill.
Akane: Nabiki!
Nabiki: Hey, this is no free clinic.
Paul: Ugh.
Nabiki: [Folds the piece of paper and puts it in Paul's shirt pocket]
[Takes a closer look at Paul] Akane, have you been beating up
boys again?
Akane: What! No!
Ranma: [Also enters the scene] Well it sure sounds like she was.
Akane: [Turning red] RANMA!!!!
Paul: *COUGH* OW!!
Akane: [Calming down] [realizes she's just stepped on Paul] Oh!
I'm sorry! [She jumps off him.]
Ranma: Way to go Akane.
Kasumi: Are you all right?
Paul: No.
Kasumi: His wounds don't look that bad, he should be fine after a
good night's sleep.
Paul: Will someone *please* tell me where I am?
Akane: You're at the Tendo Dojo.
[Pan Back to the street outside Uc-chan's. John is once again
waking up.]
John: Uhhhhh...[tries to get up but something heavy is lying on his
back] What the...
Amazon: [coming around] Mmmmm...
John: Hey is that...
Amazon: JOHN!!! I KILL!!! [Leaps off of John's back and lands
on her feet. She then takes a leap toward John, wielding a club.]
John: [still dazed] Now where'd she get another one of those?
Uhhh...OH SHIT!!!
[John cannot react in time and prepares for a large headache.]
[Thunder booms and it begins to rain. The amazon gets an 'Oh,
man' kind of look and, with John looking on, turns into the rabid
crazed Chihuahua we have so grown to love.]
John: What in the name of...
Chihuahua: Yipe Yipe!
John: Uh...Duh...aye...[notices that he is looking at a Chihuahua]
Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Chihuahua: *growl* [leaps at John with blinding speed]
[John attempts to jump out of the way, but to no avail. The familiar
cloud of dust ensues, despite the pouring rain.]
[Yup, back to the dojo]
[The rain is coming down quite heavily outside and Paul is laying
awake in the dark alone in the room. It's late at night and Paul is
alone with his thoughts. He can't sleep anymore tonight, and the
marching band is his head keeps him from being comfortable. He is
thinking about the friend who, unless he found shelter, is out in the
storm.]
[Paul finally gets up and heads down stairs. He doesn't make a
sound but he does hear someone else who sounds like their working
out. Following the sound takes Paul to the dojo, Ranma is
practicing a kata and, from the amount of sweat he's accumulated,
it looks as if he's been working out for a while.]
Ranma: [Notices Paul] Whew...so you're up.
Paul: [Sitting down] Yea.
Ranma: Can't sleep?
Paul: {Massaging temples] Not with this headache, mind if I
observe.
Ranma: Not at all, it's Paul right?
Paul: Yea, and I assume you're Ranma?
Ranma: Yea.
[A couple minutes of minutes go by as Paul studies Ranma's
moves.]
Paul: You have an interesting style.
Ranma: [Still preforming kata] How do you figure?
Paul: You've combined tiger, crane, snake, mantis, and a few other
styles that I can't place. You look as if you have total body control
too, I hope I never have to fight you in real combat.
Ranma: [Stops his kata] You sound like you know you're stuff.
Are you practiced in any of them?
Paul: Not really, I know a few basic moves, and can use a staff
pretty well, but other than that no.
Ranma: Well since niether one of us can sleep, how about a little
match.
Paul: But I'm still not in top shape...
Ranma: Never mind that, come let me show you a trick that will
allow you're mind to overcome you're weakened body.
[John recovers from his encounter with the Chihuahua and
continues on his way. He raggedly trudges through the street, and
monsoon type weather.]
John: Man, this sucks...I mean REALLY sucks. [BAD PUN
WARNING] This sucks SO much I could almost get off.
[John continues to wander through the rain. He looks at his watch,
which happens to be 50M water resistant.]
John: Hmmm...2 am. Man, I gotta find shelter so I can get some
sleep and survive the night!
[John continues to wander through town.]
[Pan back to the dojo]
[Paul blocks several punches with his fist clenched forearms. He
then launches a set of kicks at Ranma who quite skillfully deflect
them. Ranma delivers a sharp punch to Paul's shoulder but he
shrugs it off and connects a snap kick to Ranma's side. Ranma
Leaps back and launches a multi-punch attack. Ten times Paul
blocks and Ten Times Ranma Blacks Paul's Attacks. Then Paul
Breaks the stalemate. Catching Ranma's arm he throws Ranma
over his shoulder. Ranma easily lands on his feet.]
Ranma: Good. You know you're really better then you give
yourself credit for.
Paul: Well, I'm not that good.
Ranma: Well, do have a lot of room for improvement but with
some practice you could be really good.
Paul: Well...hey this is a fully functioning dojo right?
Ranma: Yea, so?
Paul: Well, maybe you could teach me. I mean, you're definitly
good enough, and I could really use the chance to improve myself.
Ranma: I don't know...
Paul: I could pay you know, all I need is a job.
Ranma: A Job!? You mean you don't have one.
Paul: No I don't, know of any places that Might need help?
Ranma: Hmmm...you know, I just might.
[We again pan to poor old John, who is still wandering, and still
getting drenched by rain.]
John: Y'know, t-this can't go on much longer or I'll-I'll catch
pneumonia and die or something.
[By chance a young man with a yellow and black bandanna and an-
an UMBRELLA happens to turn a corner and head toward John.]
John: Oh-ho-ho-ho yes...[he heads toward the young man]
Ryoga: WHERE IS THAT BLASTED DOJO?!!! WHY MUST I
BE CURSED WITH THIS HORRIBLE SENSE OF
DIRECTION?!!!
John: HEY! [picks up his pace until he is face to face with
Ryoga.] Give me that umbrella. [grabs for it]
Ryoga: HEY! Who do you think you are?! Get your own
umbrella!
John: Where am I going to get an umbrella a 4 in the morning?
Ryoga: How the hell should I know? All I know is that this is mine
and you can't have it!
John: We'll see about that...[gives Ryoga a mighty punch. Ryoga
dodges and counters with a kick, which hits John right in the gut,
sending him flying away. John lands on his back in a puddle.]
Ryoga: That'll Teach you to mess with Ryoga Hibiki!
[John pulls himself out of the puddle and stands up. He rubs his
stomach, and launches another attack. He rushes Ryoga, and
throws a punch, which Ryoga easily dodges, turning it into a throw.
John again goes flying, crashes through a telephone pole, then a
wall, then a house.]
Misc. Woman: EEEEEEEEEK!!!! *sounds of objects impacting on
John*
John: Ow! Ack! Yipe! Doh! [He comes running out of the house
at break-neck speed and appears behind Ryoga.
[John Tries one more time, but Ryoga hits him with a volley of
punches and kicks designed to level a mountain. John crumples to
the ground.]
Ryoga: You're pathetic! Stop wasting my time! [He turns to
leave, but stops when John speaks.]
John: Did you actually think *cough* that you *wheeze* could t-t-
take me down with *hack* that?
Ryoga: Can't you see you've been beaten? Just go away! Leave
me alone already!
[John regains some of his composure, and charges Ryoga. Ryoga
prepares to block, but moments before impact, John's head grows
ram horns (see Battletoads), and he butts Ryoga with the force of a
charging ram. Although this attack would send any normal person
into orbit, we are dealing with Ryoga here. Ryoga slides a few feet
and falls over, dropping the umbrella, and turning into P-Chan]
John: Uhhh...he just turned into a pig...AW MAN! I'M GOING
CRAZY!!! HEE HEE HEE HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!
[P-Chan bigsweats. John eventually recovers from his escapade
and walks over and picks up the umbrella, having no trouble with
it.]
John: Finally, no more of that damned rain! Now...where shall I
go...that guy mentioned a Tendo Dojo...hmmm...
[John continues to wander, now having a destination in mind. P-
Chan follows, reasoning that at least John won't leave Nerima
looking for the place.]
John: Hmmm...now how do I get there.
[He continues down the street, finally finding a promising
building.]
John: Te-Ten-ndo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. This
looks like it could be the place! [P-Chan smiles inwardly...it only
took him 4 days to find the dojo instead of the normal 1 to 4
weeks!]
[pan to inside the dojo]
[A sound of thunder echoes through the dojo.]
Paul: That wasn't thunder.
Ranma: Someone's at the gate.
Paul: [Looking at the watch on his belt] At four thirty in the
morning?
Ranma: Go open the gate.
Paul: What? This is you're house...
Ranma: Yea, but...uh...I have to clean up here, it's ok, you can get
it.
Paul: <Man he's a lousy liar.> Alright.
[Paul goes to open the gate, slowly he reaches for the handle, half
expecting the person on the other side to grab him and beat him
senseless.]
Paul: <If Ranma was afraid to answer the door...> [A hand touches
Paul on the shoulder] AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Akane: EEEEK!!!
Paul: [Breathing very heavily] Oh my god...
Akane: Geez-a little jumpy aren't we?
John: <Hey...that sounded like Paul!> PAAAAAAAAAUL!!!! [he
turns to his side and hits the door with his shoulder. It gives and
flies open.]
Paul+Akane: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
[John notices Paul and Akane looking at him with wide eyes and
open mouths.]
Ranma-chan: [Running out to the gate and forgetting it's raining]
Paul, Akane, what's wrong? Hey...Ryoga!
[There is a flash of lightning, and the group notices that the figure
holding Ryoga's umbrella is not Ryoga, but John]
Paul: Oh, hi John.
Ranma-chan: You know this guy?
Paul: Yeah, this is the guy I'm traveling with.
John: Paul! How could you ditch me in the street like that?! I've
been wandering around all night...IN THE RAIN!!!
Paul: Uhhh...you kind of kicked me all the way over here just for
laughing.
John: At me...
Paul: Well it's your own fault...
John: Well you shouldn't have laughed at me!
Paul: John...you got mauled by a chi-
[Paul's speech is interrupted when John interlocks his hands and
swings them at him. Someone who saw it might swear John's hands
morphed into a gigantic Thor hammer (also, see Battletoads). Paul
manages to duck the blow, but the back of his shirt it torn to shreds
by the air pressure.]
Ranma-chan: Whoa...
Akane: Now that's air pressure!
[Paul does a few back flips and lands on the edge of the pond,
almost loses his balance, but regains his composure and adopts a
fighting stance. This only serves to infuriate John even more. He
picks up a HUGE rock and heaves it at Paul.]
Paul: AH! [leaps out of the way. The rock lands in the pond with a
*crash.* It fills the pond.] Geez John relax!
John: [Breathing very heavily, but calmed down.] Hokay...now
that that's out of my system...
Akane: [to Ranma] And he's as strong as Ryoga, too.
[Time passes. The entire group is sitting around the table in the
living room.]
Mr. Saotome: [to Paul] So...you and your friend have been
traveling.
Paul: Yes. It all started when...
