On Sat, 2 Aug 1997 18:00:53 -0400 (EDT), Meliss45@aol.com wrote:

I'm
new on the ML (hi!), and this is my first attempt at writing a fic, so,
please send C&C!  Be cruel!!  I need the improvement!

Ah, a new vict-- er, I mean, new blood! Welcome!

OK, now, on your fic.

First, on the mechanics of it needs some work:

1) Stick to one tense, preferably the past, throughout. Ranma signed
something..., rather than Ranma signs something.

2) Avoid script-format type descriptions in your prose story. If you
talk about "the scene", or talk about what "we" (meaning the
readers/viewers) see, that is the stuff of script format. Nothing wrong
with script, but it's not what you're doing. For prose story format,
think of it as something that happened in the past, being seen through
the viewpoint of one of the characters. Tell us not what "we" see, but
what Ranma (or Akane, or whoever) saw, complete with his/her own
interpretations of and feelings about the events.

Actually, it looks like you got the hang of this part way through the
story, so maybe I don't need to be telling you these things. Just
re-write the beginning.

Now as to the content: I would call this a very good *beginning* of a
story. The mood and emotion came across quite well, but the ending left
everything hanging. You need to continue. Tell us who Mizuko is, how she
knew Ranma when they were young, why he behaves so differently around
her, and maybe a hint as to what effect having met her is going to have
on the Ranma/Akane relationship.


Not cruel enough? Oh well, your story just isn't that bad. Write an
"Akane the Psychotic Maniac" story if you really want me to trash your
work. :)


Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics