El Hazard: The Switch

by Michael Chen with aid from Eric McGinnis

Alielle sighed as she cuddled Ura against her.

Was Mako-chan wearing Ura at the time?  (Perhaps it'd be best to describe

what the cat was doing here)

the Royal Museum happened

to be separate,

In a seperate building?

between hunter and hunted, dominating and desperate,

determined and unstoppable.

That last word implies motion.  Where did she want to go today?

Unlike her though,

he had a more substantial answer.

Filler, use something more substantial here.

was on a stand in front of them.

..

She grabbed it carefully from Makoto's hands

Where was it?  (Did he pick it up?)

but of course, nothing in here has anything to do with the

Eye of God.

A little long winded for Mako-chan.  I'd expect this from the royal advisor.

Then she grabbed Makoto's hand and dragged.

Try rewriting everthing in first person.

who was more interested in Nanami

You didn't introduce Nanami properly in the previous paragraph.

I'm going to go ask

her.

Why ask why?  Just chalk it up to good luck, t'cha?

Unlike Shayla who was taking her time, Afura was dressed

perfectly in moments.

Hmmm... She's got B-ko's quick change power?

Afura was first to respond.  "Way to go

Makoto!"

Sounds a bit direct for Afura.

Alielle, on the other hand, was beginning to see

the possibilities.

Hey, invite both of them along...



Did the story stop suddenly here or is my mailer broken?



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb