Finally, a series where Akane is better built, but Ranma is still cuter.

Ranma was saved from having to answer 

by a softball trying to imbed itself in his cheek.

Do or do not, for most inanimate objects there is no try.

She was apologetic.

She looked apologetic but didn't say anything?

"You *want* me to be a wimp?!"

Akane giving out advice instead of blame?  (Quick Ranma: toss hot water at

her!)

As soon as Akane saw Kasumi, her face turned worried.

Once again POV hopping weakens a story.  What are the critical aspects of

the story that can only come from Kasumi's thoughts? (Notice that Rumiko

rarely ventures here)

Ranma stopped in the doorway, aware Akane 

would quickly get impatient.

Because of their long term relationship, Ranma can anticipate Akane's every

mood? (Maybe he's just worried here?)

"If you say so, Doc."

If the Doc is this calm and rational about it, why hasn't he popped the

question yet?

I think the Doc is kinda sweet on your 

sister."

Now think of the advantage of recasting Kasumi's visit from Ranma's POV and

watching him figure this out.

and Ranma remembered certain of her own actions.

See, you could refer back to something here.

picked up and arranged him in a piggyback position.

Akward way to carry somebody so much smaller than yourself, why not horsey

style on the shoulders?

Nabiki had a very good poker face, but a little bit of panic 

showed through it.

What nervous mannerisms does Nabiki have?

Models make good money, you know.

And maybe Ranma can be taught to sing!

"All fics are finished, eventually..."

..or the authors die first.  It really is your choice.  Thank goodness I

don't have to touch "Chibi-Ranko" until you've finished this one.  (I don't

think the FFML could stand having two mini-Rankos wandering about at the

same time.  "Double Ranko-kick!")



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb