[Yesh!]Lemon Pot Pie

                            Lemon Pot Pie
                 by (Someone who should know better)


     NOTE: On the whole, I dislike 'lemons' as they tend to become one
really pathetic 'wet dream' with established Anime/Manga characters
taken so far out of character that you have to ask: "Just who ARE
these people?"  Anyway, during the last week (along with working 18
hour days) I thought I would read a few of the recently posted 'works
of art' on the subject - just to see if anything's changed, you
understand.  What I found was even worse than I remembered. 
Perversions, debauchery, and general levels of hanky-panky that were
about as erotic as a exotic dancer in a Kansas City nightclub.

===== [Flash back to typical KC exotic dance club ] =====

Patron: [Jumping up and down waiving his cowboy hat] Yeeee Hawww!
     Let's see some boooty!

Dancer: [Standing naked on a small 'stage', barely moving her hips and
chewing a wad of gum that would choke a horse while sounding totally
bored] Yeah, sure, what ever.

Another Patron: [Staring blankly and drooling on his pants] Aint seen
nuthin like that since Aunt Minnie took a whiz out back in the garden.

===== [Flash forward - shivering all the way ] =====

     Well, you get the idea.

     As I was saying, the latest have lacked a certain....
originality.  I mean, there's the usual copulating of the usual
suspects in the usual places for the usual reasons.  Actually, pretty
boring.  So, I thought I might take a whack at it and see if I could
get as disgusting as the recent lot.

     Anyway, the following is just parody.  The following characters
are not meant to portray anyone in particular, living or dead (now
*there's* a kinky angle no one's thought of yet - although I shudder
to think what Susan Doenime could do with THAT).  So, remember... this
is all just parody.   P-A-R-O-D-Y (Oh for pete's sake, look it up!)


Narrator: [Sounding Gary Owens-ish] Our story begins in a well known
bunker - somewhere under the palatial estate of one G.L. Sandborn,
Esq. where the former Air Force jet jockey, fencing whiz, and well
known raconteur is explaining his predicament to his gathered harem.]

Greg: Now I know I told you we'd all go out to the cement pond and do
a little skinny dipping today...

Kissy Fox: You promised!  It's a hundred degrees outside and you
promised we'd get to cool off, fool around, and generally get to stand
around with our tops off.

Greg: [clearing throat] Yes... well... This isn't an Anime convention.

Passionate Fox: But you promised!

Greg: [becoming irritated] Look!  I'm going to AnimeIowa.  You can all
come with and stand around the pool with your tops off there.  OK?

All the Foxes: [pouting] Well... Okay.

Greg: Now Uncle Fester and I have to go see the publisher about
something.  We'll be right back.

[Grabbing Uncle Fester by the arm, Greg made his way out of the
bunker, through the kitchen (grabbing a Fosters from the fridge on the
way), and out to the car.  Neither said a word until they were halfway
to the publisher's office - which was kinda interesting because the
publisher was in Minneapolis]

Uncle Fester: What does the little blood-sucker want this time?

Greg: Beats me.  Probably wants to know where the next chapter of 'New
Horizons' is.

Uncle Fester: You're crazy, laddie.  No one cares where the next
chapter of that piece of crap is.  It's probably because you're three
months late with that 'special' assignment he gave you.

Greg: [incredulous] What?  The smutty thing?

Uncle Fester: Yeah, the smutty thing. [turning in his seat with
excitement] Hey!  I've got an idea.  Splash me with some cold water,
I'll turn into Fester-chan, and if he starts into his bit about how
late you are with the porno, I'll just flip my top up and show him my
tits.

Greg: Naw!  You did that last time.  Remember?  He jumped on you and
the two of you 'did it' right there on the floor in his office. 
Sheesh!

Uncle Fester: [a wistful look on his face] Yeah, he was kinda good
too.

Greg: Give me a break!  You two were humping away and he kept yelling:
'Oh, Ranma-chan.  I love you!'.  You guys sounded like a 'Richard
Lawson' fic.

Uncle Fester: [pouting] We weren't *that* bad.

Greg: [with a snort] Hayashi taped the whole thing and got two full
chapters out of it.

Uncle Fester: Well, I noticed *you* were watching.

Greg: [with a sigh] I only you didn't look so much like Elvira -
Mistress of the Dark when you changed.

Uncle Fester: That's what you get from the cursed 'Spring of Drowned
Late-Night Horror Show Hostess'.

Greg: [mumbling] Either way, it still gives me the willies.  To think
we used to use the same locker room at the gym. [pauses as a
particularly bad memory scurries across his mind] Anyway, you haven't
been very helpful.

Uncle Fester: [sarcastically] Well, what *did* you do about this
project?

Greg: I tried a few things.

===== [ Another flash back ] =====

Wife: [Quite indignant] I'm NOT wearing that ridiculous costume!

Greg: Aw come on.  Just this once.

Wife: I did the bit where I played Pocahontas in only a loincloth
while you were John Smith, only this time you weren't getting your
head chopped off.  Remember.

Greg: [with a little smile] Yeah.  That *was* fun.  Especially the
part where you put your head....

Wife: Hmpf.  Now you want me to wear this rubber crocodile costume so
you can play Crocodile Dundee, unzip your pants and say: "Now *that's*
a knife."

Greg: [begging - like he always does] Please.

Wife: Why don't I just get into the Sailor Jupiter costume again?

===== [Flash forward again, before this gets too... personal ] =====

[The rest of the trip passed in silence - which was kinda tough as
they still had 400 miles to go.]

Narrator: Does this get any better?  I mean....

Greg: SHUT UP!  I'll write.  You narrate.  Got it?

Narrator: Yeah, sure. [mumbling] It was never like this on 'Laugh-In',
I can tell you that.

[Arriving at the high-priced publisher's offices in the fashionable
Playboy Towers, Greg and Uncle Fester made their way to the top floor
where the offices of Grope, Sucke, Licke, and Gaffney were located.]

Publisher's voice from inside his office: Get outta here, you hack
writer!  I'm sick of your 'colors' AND your 'seasons'!  Not one sex
scene in the whole bunch!  Oh, sure, you showed a bit of skin here and
there.  You even had them in the right situation once.  BUT YOU BLEW
IT!  No nudity!  No sex!  Not even copping a feel now and then!

Writer's voice: [sounding shaken] But my readers expect plot,
plausible situations, good characterization, and a developing
relationship between two people.

Publisher's voice: IDIOT!  All readers want is a hot salami buried in
a warm, dripping bun!  Don't you ever read Caroline's stuff?  They
want WHAM, BAM, ARIGATO MA'AM!

Writer's voice: But what about the consequences of such activity? 
There's pregnancy, guilt, fear, not to mention a hundred and one
possible diseases.....

Publisher's voice: GET OUTTA HERE!

[Joseph Palmer comes stomping out of the publisher's office, leaving a
trail of dropped papers as he heads for the hall.  Curious, Greg leans
over and reads the title of one.]

Greg: [mumbling to himself] 'Plaid' I knew he'd do that eventually.

Secretary: You're next, Mr. Sandborn and.... freak of nature.

[Greg timidly approaches the publisher's door while Uncle Fester
follows, all the time glaring at the secretary.  Greg opens the door
and pokes his head in side.]

Greg: [nervously] Hello?

Publisher: Greg!  Good to see you, my boy.  Come in, come in.  Sit
down.  Make yourself comfortable.  I see you've brought your 'idea
man'.

Uncle Fester: Ah... Hi.

Publisher: [leaning over towards Fester] Ya know, we could take a long
lunch hour.  Pick up some cold water.  Be over at Richard's place in
no time.  Whatdya say?

Uncle Fester: [adjusting collar] Well.... ah, the Foxes are expecting
us back.  We...ah... have plans for this weekend.

Publisher: [sounding disappointed] Oh... well, maybe next time.
[turning to Greg with a big smile] So, how's your little project
coming?

Greg: [swallowing hard] Well... Chapter 10 of 'New Horizons' is coming
along fine...

Publisher: [interrupting with a wave of his hand] Ah, nobody reads
*that* crap.  Tell me about 'the project'.

Greg: [sweating] Oh, yeah.... The Western... The Ito Takahashi
spaghetti Western filmed in Japan... with the Ranma characters... and
all Japanese extras... and... and... It's really funny.

Publisher: No No No. [walks around desk, leans back against its edge,
crosses his arms and looks seriously at Greg] I mean the SPECIAL
project.

Greg: [with phony realization] Oooooh, the 'special' project.

Publisher: [slightly irritated] Yeah, the one we paid the advance for.

Greg: [with a touch of anguish] Oh, yeah... that one.

Publisher: [more than slightly irritated] So, what have you got?

Greg: Well.... Ranma and Akane...

Publisher: Yeah...?

Greg: In their pajamas....

Publisher: Yeah...?

Greg: In bed together....?

Publisher: Yeah...?

Greg: They kinda.... hold hands....

Publisher: Ye... What?  Sounds like Rock Hudson and Doris Day.

Greg: [pouting] I like Rock Hudson and Doris Day.

Publisher: That's *not* what we're paying you for!

Greg: [sounding *really* anguished now] I know.

Uncle Fester: [before the Publisher can strangle Greg] Ah... Ah... he
really *does* have a sex story for you.  One he worked very hard on.
[turning to an astonished looking Greg] Go on, tell him.

Greg: [looking and sounding lost] Tell him?

Uncle Fester: [through clenched teeth] Tell him the story or he will
or e-hay ill-way ut-cay ur-oay icks-day off-ay.  O-kay???

Greg: [after slowly piecing together Fester's clever code] Oh... you
mean the 'special' one with all the Anime characters.

Uncle Fester: Yes... with ALL the Anime characters.

Publisher: [looking excited] All the Anime characters?  I like this. 
Tell me more.  What's it's title?

Greg: [looking lost towards Fester] Well....

Uncle Fester: "Ah! Project Bubblegummy Robotech One Pound Magical
Maison Ikkoku Devil Hunting Lummy- yummy.... One Half".

Publisher: [excitedly rubbing his hands together while walking over to
the window] GAD what a title!  It'll be on the lips of every fanfic
reader in the country.

Uncle Fester: Or anywhere else they want to put it, sir.

Publisher: [turning to smile at Fester] I like the way you think, son. 
Tell me the plot.

Greg: [still lost] The plot?  It needs a plot?

Publisher: [irritated] Well, of course it needs a plot.  You can't
just have a bunch of Anime characters in one giant orgy.

Uncle Fester: Why not?

Publisher: [after a short consideration] No, that... that...
whatshisname I just threw out...

Greg: Palmer?

Publisher: Yeah, him... was right about one thing.  Fanfic readers
expect a plot - even in a 'lemon'.  So make with the plot.

Greg: [really sweating now] Okay.... Well... Ranma and Akane go with
Nabiki and Tenchi to find... Belldandy and Wedding Peach but they
can't so they stop off at Maison Ikkoku for the night.  Only Ranma and
Nabiki go inside because Tenchi is... ah, making love to Akane and
Shampoo in the back seat of the car.  But that's okay because Ranma
gets to sleep in Kyoko's room on account of there's no other room
available and she finds him kinda cute.  Nabiki doesn't mind because
... because...   [Looks at Fester in panic]

Uncle Fester: Because Rick Hunter and Roy Fokker fuck her, upside
down, over a giant vat of... of... [Looks back]

Greg: Clam dip.  Yeah, clam dip with Lisa Hayes and Akari using Fritos
to scoop the dip out of each others... ah... orifices.  Upstairs,
Cologne uses her staff on Hanae Ichinose while her kid spreads Soy
Sauce all over his mothers tits and lets P-chan lick them clean.  Then
the Zentraedi invade while Lum tries to fight them off with... with...

Uncle Fester: With lightning bolts that shoot from her tits which Urd
channels by sucking on them and shooting the bolts out her ass-hole
which excites the entire cast of Gall Force who have a giant lesbian
orgy right in front of the Zentraedi, which of course, scares them all
because they've never seen such a thing before.  In the mean time, Lin
Minmei and Usagi Tsukino take turns with Speed Racer while Trixie
supervises (after all, they don't call her Trixie for nothing).  Down
in the basement, Jim-Jim the chimp is busy doing Luna the cat while
Kiki and Nuku Nuku finger each other, watching the action.

Greg: [actually getting a little excited himself] This, of course,
causes the Knight Sabers to show up to rescue Nabiki and Kasumi who
are busy poking each other in secret 'orgasmic spots' shown to them by
Dr. Tofu who's busy trading demonic sex secrets with Vampire Princess
Miyu, Sister Angela and the witches from Magical Twilight.  They only
stop once in awhile to sniff Passion Dust they got from some pusher in
Australia.

Uncle Fester: [Trying to keep up] And then... and then, Tuxedo Mask
ties Seiya Kou, Taiki Kou, and Yaten Kou together and whips their
butts while they suck him off....

Publisher: Tuxedo Mask?  You mean Mamoru Chiba.

Uncle Fester: [shocked] Of course.

Greg: Tuxedo Mask (you know how those guys in masks are).  Anyway,
Keiichi Morisato decides to take a nude dip in the nearby river only
he gets caught by the girls from 'You're Under Arrest' who, instead of
arresting him, strip naked and join him doing 'water sports' on the
beach in the dark.

Uncle Fester: [whispering to Greg] Take it easy, laddie.  You're
getting a little sick for even *me*.

Greg: [ignoring Fester] Then... Mihoshi and Buruma take C-Ko, Chibi-Usa, 
and Azusa over to Miss Ayumi's place for some bondage and discipline.  
They use clothes pins on nipples, giant dildos, and whips and things like 
that on each other while Miss Ayumi demonstrates with A-ko and the Dirty 
Pair.

Uncle Fester: And then they tie Ranma down on a table, face up, while
Noa Izumi, Kanuka Clancey and Shinobu Nagumo lick him hard again while
Skuld and Washuu grease his 'pole' with handfuls of butter. Then...
then...

Greg: The high-light comes when they impale Shampoo on Ranma's dick
then splash her with cold water.

Publisher: WOW!

Greg: Yeah... she screams, meows, and explodes.

Uncle Fester: Then they all eat clam dip mixed with... bodily
fluids... even the Zentraedi finish by taking all the Sailor Moon
senshi, Inner and Outer to their ships to work off a thousand years of
sexual frustration.

[Room silent except for the sounds of three males gasping for breath.]

Publisher: [Sweating and breathing fast but sounding like he could use
a cigarette] Oh... yeah...  Now THAT'S a 'lemon'.

Greg: So, you like it?

Publisher: [wiping something off his pants] You bet.  So, the first
draft will be on my desk Monday, right?

[Greg and Uncle Fester exchange startled glances.  Both know such a
feat is impossible - especially with the schedule the Foxes keep.
Uncle Fester just shrugs his shoulders, grabs a glass of water, and
dumps it over his head.  The usual happens.]

Fester-chan: [Taking the publisher by his arm] Come on, big boy.  I've
got a red wig in the trunk.  Let's see if Richard's home.