Apologies to everyone; I haven't had much time to read and C&C lately.
That should change after GenCon next week. In the meantime...

On Tue, 29 Jul 1997 11:59:30 +0800, Martin <martin.tie@virgin.net>
wrote:

       A few days ago, Ranma hit his head on the rocks surrounding the
fish pond in the Tendo garden, following one of his everyday disagreements
with Akane. The suppression of his male personality was somewhat
unexpected, despite the fact it had happened once before. Where there was
once Ranma in both his, and his cursed form, after the accident only the
female personality survived.

That last sentence is worded a bit confusingly.

Evening was approaching. It was also raining heavily, loud clashes of
thunder shaking the Tendo foundation to its core. It was as though the
Heavens was displeased at what transpired a few hours ago between Ranma and

were displeased at what had transpired

Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome were playing a game of shoji without
enthusiasm, wondering for the first time the consequences of their actions.
Neither notice the other was actually playing seriously for once and within

noticed

the rules. The other two occupants within the Tendo household, needless to
say, were extremely displeased with their father, going so far as to ignore
him whenever he attempted to ask them to do chores that had been a routine
in this household for so long.

That would mainly be Kasumi, I'd imagine... Nabbie never did much in the
first place.

The silence stretch on, occasionally broken

stretched

In the lull of the storm, the sound of a door opening from the outer gate
caused everyone to look up. Looking at each other, the occupants quickly
scutter up an opened the porch door, hope transparent on their faces. It

scuttered up and

Suddenly, a sound of metal hitting a soft but resistant object echoed
through the slowly approaching night. Quiet reigned. Kasumi came out, a
frying pan in her hands. The rain finally stopped, followed by the

Ouch! :)

receeding thunder. The sounds of living can be heard again, birds chirping

could be heard

	"Gomen, I have to. This is no time for father to behave in such a way. He

I had to.

Looking down at her sister in such a state, Nabiki could not help but felt
waves of sadness wash over her. Helpless, not knowing what to do to ease
Akane's pain, she could only stay where she was and not for the first time,

and,

silently screaming at their mother for leaving them.

scream
Nice character insight, BTW.

Akane's sobs soon subside but she did not let go. Oneechan, in so many
ways, reminded her of their mother. Protective, kind, caring....she felt
comforted as Kasumi continued to hold her. A stir from Ranma caught her
attention. Letting go of Kasumi, Akane went up to her....only to find that
she was mumbling and trashing about in her sleep. 

thrashing

Looking around, Ranma indeed found herself at the Tendo dojo. Reluctantly,
she said, "I...." a small tear appeared. Ranma quickly wipe it away "I..I

wiped

A blue layer of aura was visible around her. A sense of coming impending
doom can be felt by everyone present.

"coming impending" is redundant; I'd take out one of these words.

	"N..no." Ranma scuttered away from her as far as possible without implying
rudeness. Crestfallen, and looking at Akane wih tears in her eyes "It's not
because of your household, Akane. It's.... (sniff!) it's....oyaji disowned
me, remember? Mr. Tendo didn't stop him (sniff!) and that means he also
agree. I....I have got no right to be in this household...."

"I have no right" would be proper, though this might be Ranma's bad
grammar.

Akane's blue aura flared even brighter. Ranma looked on with fear, thinking
that Akane was angry at her for blaming her father. She needn't had

needn't have

Nodding meekly, Ranma followed Akane. She hadn't got much resistance

She hadn't much, or She didn't have much

	<Wait a minute. Isn't the bathroom on the ground floor?>

NO!!!!!!!!!! WE DO **NOT** WANT TO GET INTO THAT ARGUMENT AGAIN!!!!! :-)

Shrugging her shoulders, she continued to watch. They didn't met her father

didn't meet

or Mr. Saotome along the way, which was strange. Turning to look at Kasumi,
Nabiki saw determination and a small hint of anger on her face. Nabiki felt
a little bit angry herself so that was no surprise. What was surprising was

herself,

	<Looks like heads are going roll today. With Kasumi at the helm, this is

are going to roll, or are gonna roll

going to be very interesting> thought Nabiki.    

interesting,

Good start so far. As far as where to go from here, I'm not too sure. I
think you need to develop the new Ranma's personality a bit more. Then
there's the question of how everybody else reacts to the new Ranma --
e.g. what does Upperclassman Kuno do when he notices the change? (Or
does he?:)) How about Nodoka? Also, what's going on with the other
cursed characters? And what happens if a "villain of the week" shows up,
and most of the strong fighters can't help? Best I can think of... a lot
of these ideas have been done already, but maybe you'll find different
ways to do them if you think about it.


Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics