Harold Ancell wrote:

General comment ("Danger, Will Robertson!"): while I see the 

necessity,

seperating Hikaru from Ranma eliminates one of the compelling 

aspects

of this fanfic.  The switch to action also removes some of the focus 

on

the personal/psychological that makes Kouma's writing so compelling.

1.  It's neccessary to have action scenes intermixed with the 
personal/psychological ordeals. I'm trying to do the best job I can 
with both, and on occassion mixing them together.
2. Don't assume. Just because it *seems* like Ranma and Hikaru have 
been separated... 

Note: Hikaru should have at least thought about visiting home 

before

leaving on this quest; she might decide not to, given that she 

might

not come back, but she would have thought about it.

How does one go home when one has been dead two years, and is trapped 
in the body of a male martial artist? Besides which, remember that in 
MKR, every time they come back from Cephiro, no time has passed on 
Earth.

   Dark clouds began to gather, and lightning crackled, striking 

the 

raised hammer. Everyone backed off a bit nervously. A swirling 

vortex 
                                                     ^^^

Bridging these two sentances with an "as" would improve the flow 

here.

Actually, no it wouldn't. Furthermore, it would alter the intended 
meaning.

Heh.  The touch with the head was inspired, but I think you need to 

find

a few more "wow" things (in this chapter or the next) to keep up 

the

level of intensity we've enjoyed so far in this story.  I also 

think

you might be overdosing on the grotesque in the next section.

Expect that. I'm going to be using a lot of different elements in 
this story. At times it will contain disturbing psychological imagery 
such as in the Spring in chapter 14, or the prologue. Other times it 
will contain graphic imagery such as the scenes in this chapter, and 
at times it will even *spoiler* contain sexual content.

I didn't know there was a car named "Conniption"....

There isn't. I decided not to name this monster after a car. You'll 
see that every now and then throughout this story, things which 
aren't named after cars. In this case, the monster was named 
Conniption because that's exactly what it was.

One of the best Rayearth synopsis bits came from Peter Evans: "Ferio 

(sp?)

introduced himself, and explained why he was named after a car". 

^_^

LOL

Umm---how are outer *rims* of eyes soulless?  I would think it would 

have

to be the irises, or the whole effect.

Well, solid black eyes would seem to be soulless considering that 
there's usually something *white* there, as for the whole effect--her 
irises are glowing red. No mistake that there's something there.

Worse, naming the (so far) ultimate villian after a *BUICK* is
somewhat ... underwhelming.

<shrug> Hey, it fit. I considered other car names, but Skylark just 
seemed to work better in this instance. And there'll be more car-
named villains later on, maybe you'll like their names better.








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