This may contain spoilers for parts of Neon Genesis Evangelion.


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First, let me comment that the inspiration of this fic was my mind
cross-referencing Evangelion with the lyrics to the album "The Wall" by
Pink Floyd. 

That, plus a quote from episode 24, lead to walls of our own making.

The ends of this fic are a homage to the ends of that album... And a neat
effect, besides.



On Fri, 25 Jul 1997, Captain Jack wrote:

        "Of course, stupid Shinji," said Asuka from across the room as

Grammar?  maybe say:  Well of course Shinji.  Are you stupid?

Your version may be gramatically correct, but I feel that my version is
what Asuka is more likely to say. Just a feeling from watching the series.
 

        "Asuka split it into parts. The military weapons were able to
hold off the Angel's other segments long enough for us to defeat
them one at a time." While the actual combat hadn't gone as well as
the slightly edited version he gave to Kensuke, it still had gone
well. This battle didn't even involve any N2 mines.

Which angel is this?  or are you creating a new one?

A new one... This fic isn't localized at any point in the series. Read the
fic twice in a row to get the full effect of this.

  He didn't quite understand what caused the second
impact, but he did know that this lecture was wrong.

Grammar:  maybe say:  ...but he did know everything the teacher taught
about it was wrong.

I don't see one as more correct. 
 

        "We have reason to believe that this Angel can separate into
three parts. So, be careful." Maya concluded her portion of the
briefing, and stepped back from the podium.

Have Misato give the entire briefing.  She's the one who usually does
it.  The debriefing usually is the one which more people speak.

You may be right. I don't know, that's the way that I saw it in my head.

Shinji fired next, the rounds of his rifle bouncing off the Angel's AT

field.I hope those aren't "bullets."  I believe the rifles use laser
pulses for ammo.  Not too important, but it maybe something to remember

I've also heard that the rifles shoot "spent uranium shells, with tracers
mixed in." I don't know, "rounds" seems a generic enough term.

         Shinji didn't need an alarm clock. Misato or Asuka would
always wake him, But, today was different. He had overslept by almost
three hours. He quickly dressed, and left for the school, wondering
what the repercussions would be.

I'm not sure if Misato or Asuka would wake him.  I think he is just an
early riser.  In fact it seems he is the one who wakes Misato up.

How does "if he overslept, Misato or Asuka would always wake him.

Without an AT field in the way, the knife was easily able
to cut into the Angel. The joint exploded in a shower of green blood,
and the Angel broke into three parts.

BTW:  the prog knife can cut through an AT field.  (episode 12)

As well as several other episodes. It can cut through the AT field of an
angel... There's no incedents of an Eva attackin another's AT field
without an Angel involved, so I don't think it's too far of a stretch to
have them able to defend against themselves.
 

        "Tell us about your great victory, Oh Captain Eva!" Touji said

as he mock bowed to Shinji.

sounds more like something Kensuke would say.

No. Kensuke would simply ask Shinji about the battle. Touji would make a
big deal about it.

My sources tell me that Kensuke was about to ask Shinji,  but that Touji
spoke first.

        "Tell him about us!" Asuka interjected, wanting to steal the
spotlight.

she would interject without commanding Shinji to tell them.  She would
feel like she could tell the story better.

She wanted to be in the spotlight, without actually having to deal with
the "Three Stooges".

Overall impression:

Not bad for a first fic, only why choose such a hard series to write on
for your first fanfic?  The storyline is so complicated

That's exactly why. The storyline is so engrossing that I had to write
about it... And, I like the challenge.

that its easy to
miss stuff.  You could have gone more in depth with the characters, but
it seems that wasn't what you were focusing on.

Not this time... I was focusing more on a few concepts, rather than
anything to do with combat or characters...

Have you seen up to 24 or to 26? I'm curious.

 If you haven't read
some other Eva fics already, I'd recommend you do because it can improve
your future fics dealing with this series.

I've read every one posted over the past few weeks. 

I like to concentrate on the
character personalities in this series, but that's just me. 

I'm hoping to do this more... This fic simply didn't allow for it.

I did like
your combat descriptions, something I lack in my own fics.  But like I
said its pretty good for a first fic.  I'm looking forward to reading
more.

Thanks. I may release my Zeroth eva fic, if I can bring it up to release
quality. As to futer ones... I'll do them when the Ideas come to me.

Tom