(Scene: SKJAM!'s den. Buffy is reading "Marmalade Boy", the
Master is reading "Fist of the North Star" and SKJAM! is reading the New
York Times.)
SKJAM!: We're back! And now the final chapter in our survey.
Master & Buffy: Yay!
On Sun, 20 Jul 1997, CHRISTIAN A ROGERS wrote:
TRIO:
READY TO GO!
CALL ME... YIN YANG!
Buffy: I dunno, sounds kind of...
SKJAM!: Risque?
Buffy: Uh, yeah.
The three youths sat in the living room. Digesting the information
they had received.
Master: It would have been better if they had read it before eating, but
you know how kids are.
It had started with a letter they had recieved with the crest of the
government. "Oh no," Usagi had moaned, "this is bad news."
SKJAM!: "Received". Probably an audit.
"How do you know?" Ranma shot back, "It's probably just some
'please vote for me' letter."
Buffy: But you guys can't vote, due to not being citizens!
"I just have a feeling alright! Can't a girl be a little paranoid
now and again?
Buffy: Sure can, sister.
Ranma pretended to be shocked, "You? Long Ears is paranoid?"
"DON'T call me that!"
"If the shoe fits..."
"Don't go there Ranma!"
"I already have."
Master: He's already tried on her shoes? Kinky...
Gohan sighed as he opened the letter. Though the arguments were
less frequent, they still fought like tigers when they did argue. He
cleared his throat to stop the argument before Ranma could say
something that would send Usagi into tears and then he would have to
wait until Ranma swallowed his pride and apologized, which sometimes
was several minutes to several HOURS.
The two stopped and looked at their friend expectantly. Gohan
pulled out the letter and read it to himself. "What's it say?
What's it say?" Usagi chirped.
SKJAM!: You being in this fabulous house was a mistake. We are
relocating you three to a single, rat-infested room in the South Bronx.
Gohan finished and suddenly crushed the letter in his hand. "I KNEW
it was bad news," Usagi moaned.
"She's right," Gohan said as he turned his head towards them, "You
remember those checks that the doctors at the labs said we'd get?"
Buffy: Uh, no.
The others nodded and Gohan continued, "Aparently, because it's been
determined that Ranma and I are of full time working age and Usagi is
of part time working age.. they're cutting the checks and we have to
earn our own money."
"In other words," Ranma said, "we just have whatever funds we have
on us. Meaning, none, zero, zip, zilch, nadda, nothing, a big fat
donut, empty pockets..."
Usagi elbowed him in the side as she snapped, "WE GET THE IDEA!"
"So," Gohan asked, "what do we do now?"
Master: Well, NYC has a thriving prostitution industry...
As if on cue, the radio suddenly started to play, "Get a job. Na na
na na! Nana nana na!"
The three of them looked at the radio and then Ranma quipped, "You
want to shoot it or should I?"
Buffy: Where'd he get a gun?
Usagi started to giggle and then Gohan also tried to stifle a laugh
without success. Ranma joined in and the tense atmosphere cleared
itself... until the explosion from outside.
A few seconds earlier, outside.....
The car was rolling down the street. From somewhere in a nearby
tree, there was a flash of light and a few seconds later the car
exploded.
SKJAM!: Totally coincidentally of course. No causal connection
whatsoever.
The car continued to roll and crashed through a fence, falling down
to the bottom of the sump on the other side with a smash.
An onlooker would have seen nothing in the tree but a slight ripple.
In fact, the ripple was a disguised creature called Camele. Camele
pulled out a communicator and turned it on. The face of Lujane
appeared on it. "Report," the member of the Inner Four said sharply.
Master (Camele voice): Ouch!
"I've ssset the dissstraction mother. Now I am proccceding with the
plan."
Buffy: What's a "distraction mother?"
SKJAM!: Well, you know "Necessity is the mother of Invention", so this
must be something that's the mother of Distraction.
"Exactly what plan is
that?" >
"When the targetssss ssstep outssside their houssse. I will go
inssside and ambusssh them."
Master: I like the way Camele ssspeaksss.
Camele could see Lujane was visibly sweating. "Is ahh," Lujane
stuttered, "that it?"
SKJAM!: This isn't what we would normally consider a stutter.
"Yesssss."
On the other side of the communication....
Blade Bot snickered, "That has got to be one of the STUPIDEST plans
I've ever heard."
Buffy: And you should know, having come up with plenty yourself.
Seer did his closest version of rolling his eyes and replied, "Like
something you'd come up with?"
Blade Bot shot a look at Seer and the shadow being chuckled darkly.
Lujane just gulped and ordered to Camele, "Very well. Carry on."
SKJAM!: Doctor.
Buffy: Laughing.
Master: Minister.
"Lujane!" Eclipse Lord ordered from his throne as the communication
was terminated.
Master: With extreme prejudice.
Lujane went back to her position in front of Eclipse Lord and bowed.
"Yes m-m-master," she said hesitantly as she thought, "I KNEW I
SKJAM!: Now *that's* stuttering.
should have kept Camele in the soup for an extra hour."
Master: Would have tasted a lot better.
"This plan had best work," Eclipse Lord warned, "or else. While
you're at it, tell me why I have permited you to send one of your
Genetiks after our three 'friends' in the first place."
Buffy: You were really drunk.
"A-a-as you know Master," Lujane said as she tried to calm her
nerves, "The local news caught Sailor Moon out fighting crime in the
company of a man whose powers match the ones of the boy named Gohan.
Also, there was a report of another woman accompanying them but no
pictures of her were taken."
Buffy: (Lujane voice) So I'd thought we'd just randomly atttack those
teenagers to spice up their afternoon.
The Eclipse Lord's right hand moved slowly towards a red button and
all of the Inner Four gasped.
SKJAM!: Not the Red Button! Please, not that!
"Please Master," Samaron pleaded in
his wife's defence, "there is no need for that. Camele will work.
Master: And for non-union wages!
Even though this plan is dishonorable, she has a few surprises that
our three enemies will not be able to cope with."
"'Dishonorable'?" Blade Bot quipped, "Ooooh yes. I see. Your
little code," Blade Bot's voice became mocking, "'Don't kick them
while they're down', 'Fight fair', 'Don't hit them where they live'....
"
SKJAM!: "Brush after every meal".
"You would know nothing about honor," Samaron growled.
Buffy: Actually, Blade Bot's dictionary is missing everything between
'herring' and 'hungry'.
>
"SILENCE!" Eclipse Lord yelled, then turned to Samaron, "For Lujane's
sake, I hope this creature succeeds."
Back at the house....
"What was THAT?!?!" Usagi cried as she and the others ran outside.
"Well gee," Ranma replied sarcastically, "It sounded like an
explosion."
"I know THAT," Usagi snapped, "I meant, what exploded?"
Master: The reader's patience.
"Good question," Gohan said thoughtfully.
Then he saw it. The tire marks of a car, leading off to the sump.
Where they went through the fence and at the end a large amount of
thick, black smoke drifted upwards. "Back in the house," Gohan
yelled, "NOW! It's an attack!"
The trio ran inside and Usagi slammed the door behind them.
Unfortunately, a hissing voice said, "Too late foolssss."
A shimmer in front of the three of them bolted forward and knocked
Gohan to the left, over the couch and Ranma to the right into the
wall. It ran Usagi into the door and vanished. "Where'd it go?"
Ranma said as he looked left and right rapidly.
"Get it... off," Usagi gasped for breath, "It's... choking... me."
SKJAM!: (Ataru voice) Sure, I'll loosen your bra for you!
Ranma saw nothing but took a wild guess and leaped. He hit the air
low in front of Usagi and an evil hiss came from an invisible form.
"Let go of her!" Ranma growled.
Ranma fell to the ground with the invisible assailant and grappled
with it. It was stronger than him and Ranma had to use leverage to
keep from being overwhelmed. Gohan got up and looked to where Ranma
was on the floor. "Sneaky creature," Gohan thought, "you can't see
it when it's still and when it moves, all you can see is a little
shimmer."
Gohan stood over where Ranma was and when Ranma rolled over onto his
back, Gohan grabbed the shimmer on where the back of the neck would
have been and lifted it into the air. The monster hissed and Gohan
used his free hand to deliver a right to the "jaw".
The shimmer went flying backwards and suddenly filled in to reveal a
green scaled, purple eyed, six foot tall monster with a black circle
with a white outline tattoed on the back of its right hand. "What's
that?" Usagi yelped.
Buffy: The Avon Lady. Turns out she used too much vanishing cream.
"Call me Camele," the creature said in a raspy voice, "Come and get
me you ssssimpering, sssily, ssstupid, sssuper sssuckerssssss."
"Mental note," Ranma thought, "Don't try too many s-words with this
thing."
Camele suddenly flung open the back door and raced into the back
yard. "Usagi," Gohan said, "transform and go after her. I've got to
get my costume."
"MOON CRYSTAL POWER! MAKE UP!"
Master: A reason for me to leave and not have to fight.
As soon as the transformation finished, Sailor Moon looked around
and suddenly realized that she was all alone. "Hey," she gulped as
she looked around, "where'd Ranma go? That means... I've gotta take
this thing on alone. (gulp) Oh, why me?"
SKJAM!: Because you're cuter than the others!
Sailor Moon raced outside and looked around the yard. "All right
you Jurassic Park reject," she yelled with a confidence she didn't
feel, "Where are you?"
Buffy: If Camele had any brains, the next county by now.
"Up here SSSSailor Moon," Camele's voice said from the roof, "Come
and get me!"
Hissing laughter mocked Sailor Moon as she leaped up onto the roof.
Sailor Moon stood before the creature and said, "Okay bucko, nobody
tries to choke me and gets away with it! I am Sailor Moon, the
champion of Love and Justice! I will not forgive you for this
attack! In the name of the Moon... I'll punish you!"
Camele laughed her hissing laugh again and started to slowly stomp
towards Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon backed away slowly, not completely
ready to face something like this. Her hesitance actually surprised
her. She had faced down Snatcher, Crack Shot and those Scarab Demons
without being afraid, so why was she actually feeling tingles of fear
in her belly now?
Master: It's the pickles and ice cream you had for breakfast.
She chalked it up to the fact that, A) Snatcher and Crack Shot had
either been or at least appeared human. B) Those Scarabs had been
such LOSERS that they couldn't have scared a flea.
This however, was a living, breathing, ugly, smellier than gym socks,
sharp toothed, MONSTER. Camele laughed again and taunted, "What'sss
wrong SSSailor Moon. Come and faccce me!"
SKJAM!: As soon as you lose that morning breath.
Sailor Moon saw she was rapidly running out of roof. Camele taunted
her again, "You know, you'd probably be afraid," Camele transformed
into an exact duplicate of Sailor Moon, "of your own shadow."
Sailor Moon gasped, even the voice was an exact copy. "You may be
able to copy my looks," Sailor Moon said, "but there'll never be
another me!"
Buffy: Wrong move, Camele? Now she's not scared any more...
"Who says I'm trying to be another you? Who would WANT to be
another you?"
SKJAM!: Zoicite, for one.
Buffy: Who?
SKJAM!: Long story and sh--er, he won't be coming up for a while in this
fic.
>
With that Sailor Moon-Camele jumped off the roof and towards the
front door. At that moment, Sayaman came out the roof window and
rushed towards Sailor Moon, "Hey SM," he asked, "where's the monster?
"
Master: Within every human heart.
"Down there," Sailor Moon said as she pointed.
"Gohan!" Sailor Moon-Camele yelled, "Watch out. Camele is a shape
shifter, she's right next to you!"
Sayaman looked down and then looked next to him.... and promptly did
a wild double take. "Huh?" he asked intelligently.
Buffy: What a hunk! First time I've ever seen anyone pull that off.
Sailor Moon jumped off the roof and stood in front of her evil
duplicate. "What do you think you're doing?" she yelled, "I'M Sailor
Moon!"
"No," the false Moon replied, "I'M Sailor Moon!"
"I am!"
"I am!"
"I AM!!"
"I AM!!"
"I AM!!!"
"I AM!!!"
"STOP IMITATING ME!" the two Sailors said at the same time.
Sayaman was understandably confused. He had no way to tell the real
Sailor Moon from the fake. Perhaps if he had known her better he
might have but... suddenly an idea took shape.
Sayaman went into a whole weird routine of body motions and said, "I
am the Great Sayaman! I shall see that the fires of Justice shall
always burn. Here I come again!"
The Sailor Moon on the right started to laugh. "AH HA!" Sayaman
cried, "There you are!"
He unleashed a yellow ki ball that exploded in front of Sailor Moon-
Camele and knocked her for a loop, right into a large oak tree. She
was hit so hard that she lost her concentration and transformed back
to her natural shape as she slid to the ground. "How?" Camele
groaned, "How did you know?"
SKJAM!: Quite easily. When you were both facing the sun, only the real
Sailor Moon squinted.
>
Sayaman grinned as he leaped down and replied, "Simple. Sailor Moon
says speeches as well. So, she wouldn't laugh if I did one."
Sailor Moon smiled at him and said, "Way to go Sayaman!"
Camele growled and charged as she hissed, "SSSave your breath
bratsss, it'sss not over yet."
Sayaman hit the charging monster with a right fist to the stomach
that sent her flying back several yards and into the sump. "Nice
shot!" Moon cheered.
"Come on," the male super hero said, "Let's go see if she's finished.
"
"Guessss what," Camele replied as she stood, "I'm not!"
The Eclipse Syndicate monster pulled out two dozen small black orbs.
She threw them to the ground and they began to grow into the
familiar form of...
Buffy: Luke Perry!
Master: Rodney Dangerfield!
SKJAM!: The Care Bears!
"SSSScarab Demonssss," Camele ordered, "attack!"
"Here we go again," the Sailor said.
The Saya-jin replied, "I get the feeling that this particular scene
is going to repeat itself."
"What? Monster attacks us, we fight back. Monster calls out
Scarabs, we kick Scarabs' butts. I know, this sounds like some kind
of campy T.V. show."
Buffy: Hey!
"I wish it was, then we could just go to a commercial."
SKJAM!: And now a word from our sponsor.
Master: Having trouble getting bloodstains out of your good white
linens?
Buffy: Then use Hemo-b-Gone, the new detergent and bleach in one!
All: ~\o Use Hemo-b-Gone, that's the one, that makes the laundry loads of
fun! o/~
>
Then they had no more time for banter, as the Scarabs were upon them.
Master: Humping for all them were worth.
"MOON TIARA ACTION!" Sailor Moon cried as she flung her magical
headpiece towards the attacking creatures.
Several of them were hit and were turned to dust. The tiara turned
in mid-air and hit several more as it traveled back into Sailor Moon's
waiting hand. Sayaman punched and kicked for all he was worth as he
pounded the stuffing out of every Scarab that came near him. He got
a little overzealous on one punch and punched a hole through the
chest of an attacking Scarab. "Ewwww," he gagged as he tried to wipe
the greenish gunk off his glove.
"Fight you bug brainsss," Camele roared as the remaining Scarabs
regrouped around her.
Buffy: Not until you meet our union's demands!
"HOLD IT!" a new voice said.
Everyone looked up at the person silhouetted against the sun and when
he came into focus a collective gasp came from everyone's lips.
"Ranma?" Sailor Moon asked hesitantly.
SKJAM!: No, it's the Masked Rider!
Standing at the top of the hill leading into the sump was a man
dressed in a Chinese shirt and silk Chinese pants. The left half of
both were white and the right half were black. On his face was a
mask that covered the top of his face but left the lower part of it
visible. A black pig tail hung out of the back of the mask. "Don't
call me Ranma," Ranma said, "call me," he tried striking a heroic
pose, but it was obvious that he was uncomfortable with the whole
thing and said, "Yin Yang!"
Camele rolled her eyes and said, "Oh great. Now I'm going to have
to ssstand another ssstupid, sssilly, sssupehero ssspeach."
"I don't do speeches."
Buffy: Carrying around all those cue cards is annoying.
Camele smiled and replied, "Good. Then let usss begin!"
Camele leaped up and over the other two heros and collided with Yin
Yang. The two grappled into the street and Yin Yang used his legs to
flip Camele off. Camele looked him up and down and said, "Niccce
outfit."
Then she transformed into a duplicate of Yin Yang, "Mind if I borrow
it?"
SKJAM! (Ranma voice): Sure, but only if you promise you won't get it
dirty.
Sayaman used a right side kick to finish off the last Scarab and got
a grip around Sailor Moon's waist and with a quick, "Hang on," carried
her to the top as he flew up. They got to the top and the female
superhero groaned, "Oh NO! Not again!"
Yin Yang and Yin Yang-Camele battle each other with a flurry of
kicks and punches. The other two heros couldn't think of anything to
do as the battle raged before them. "HOLD IT!" Sayaman yelled.
Both Yin Yangs stopped, both of their fists mere inches away from
the other's face. They leaped away from each other and then looked at
Sayaman. "What's your problem?" they both asked similtaniously.
SKJAM!: "simultaneously".
"Usagi," Gohan whispered, "I've got an idea." Sayaman whispered his
plan to her before turning to the two Yin Yangs as she ran off and
said aloud, "Okay then, nobody is going anywhere until we sort this
out."
Master: And no potty breaks.
"I'd like to see how you plan on doing that," the Yin Yang on the
left said.
The one on the right let out a laugh and said, "Good luck."
Sayamans sun glass covered eyes moved back and forth, from one Yin
Yang to the other. Stalling for time. Gohan thought, "I hope this
works."
Then he said aloud, "Okay. You two go back to fighting with me
watching. I'll be able to tell by your styles who's real and who's
the fake."
He was bluffing, he hadn't sparred with Ranma yet so he wouldn't be
able to tell. He needed to keep them busy for a little longer. "Hah,
" the one on the left said, "Why should I? This guy fights like a
girl."
Buffy: Hey, watch it!
Suddenly, as if on cue, Sailor Moon ran up with a bucket and threw
its contents at the two Yin Yangs. Cold water splashed the both of
them. "HEY," the Yin Yang on the left shouted, "What did you do that
for?"
He was soaked to the bone but most importantly he was STILL a HE.
"Hey slime," Yin Yang-chan said, "NOW I'm gonna fight like a girl!"
Yin Yang-chan leaped in the air and delivered a shattering drop kick
to the head of Yin Yang-Camele. Camele turned back into her natural
form and stammered, "How? What?"
Master: We'd explain it, but you wouldn't understand.
Sailor Moon removed her tiara from her forehead and said, "This is
for trying to choke me! MOON TIARA ACTION!"
The glowing discus flew through the air and slashed through Camele's
chest. Camele staggered back, holding her chest, which gushed thick
green blood and cried out in pain. Sayaman powered up a ki ball and
flung it with all of his might at the monster. Camele shrieked as
the ball hit her in the chest and then before the heros eyes, she
melted into a puddle of green slime which quickly evaporated.
"What do you know," Yin Yang-chan quipped, "she really was slime."
"Come on," Sayaman said, "let's get out of here."
The three heros left, Sayaman by flying, Yin Yang-chan and Sailor
Moon by leaping. After traveling several blocks they doubled back
and entered their home. Usagi powered down and Ranma and Gohan
changed back into their normal clothes. Also, Ranma took a hot
shower. "Hey Ranma," Usagi asked afterwards, "Why did you decide to
be Yin Yang?"
SKJAM!: Because I needed a hero name even sillier than Sailor Moon or
Great Sayaman.
"Well," Ranma replied, "Being in my female form wasn't right. If I
ever got hit by warm water, it would have been over. Besides, that
really wasn't a proper hero identity anyway. I may still think this
whole thing is stupid, but if I'm going to do it, I'm gonna do it
right."
A grin plastered itself over his face as he added, "And my costume
is more decent then yours to boot."
"EXCUSE ME?!?!" Usagi yelled.
"Let me just say, I now know why your name is Sailor MOON."
"TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Nope."
Gohan just sighed and grumbled, "I thought they had gotten past this.
They TOLD me they had gotten past this."
SKJAM!: Not a chance.
At the Eclipse Tower....
Lujane trembled before the Eclipse Lord. She was trembling both out
of fear and yet, tears of grief were in her eyes. The Eclipse Lord's
hand started to inch towards the red button on his throne once more.
The other three members of the Inner Four turned their eyes away.
Eclipse Lords hand stop mere inches from the button and he growled
softly, "Get out. All of you. NOW! Do not return until I call for
you."
Master: He just remembered he'd disconnected the red button last week.
Lujane let out a sigh of relief and Samaron held her and let her cry
on his shoulder as the two of them left. Lujane sobbed, "They killed
one of my babies!! Boo hoo hoo!"
Seer and Blade Bot bowed to their master and took their leave as
well. Eclipse Lord was now totally alone alone and he let his thought
wander.
Buffy: Just the one, eh?
"Another one of my servants lost. So be it. There are other plans
which require our attention at this time. Perhaps we shall deal with
them at another time... and when we do, they will fall!"
SKJAM!: In love!
END OF CHAPTER
NEXT: The search for employment begins. Who are the mysterious
helpers who Usagi runs into, they look familiar but their names
aren't? Will Ranma be able to work with a phyco chef or will he
SKJAM!: "Phyco" again?
become the special of the day? What is Gohan's mysterious new job?
Master: Male stripper!
Find out in "TRIO: WAGE SLAVES!" Read it!!
Buffy: No way! I am out of here!
Master: As am I! Death will be a relief!
SKJAM!: C'mon, it wasn't *that* bad...
(Fade to the outside of the Rock of Perpetuity, and the words...
THE END
)
SKJAM!