On Tuesday, July 22, 1997 2:10 PM, jeffwong@li.net wrote:

Maison Ikkoku: A second chance

Very few MI fanfics.  Hard to write one when the series ends so
decisively.  I like Sean's the best.  }:-)

She looked like the manager of the Ikkoku-kan he lived in 
when he went to college over a decade ago.

Oh.  One way to write a fanfic is to change the ending.  :)  So they
didn't get married in this universe, eh?

Personally, I was rooting for Yagami.  :)

  "You look very familiar" he said "Aren't you Kyoko Otonashi?"
  "Yes. Yes, I am" she said "How do you know my name?"

Would she really have forgotten him?

Yusaku was the only person from there
she remembered. He was someone she would never forget. 

So why did she?

  "Y-yes" she said nervously "H-how have you been?"
  "Life has been treatin' me fine" he said "How about you?"

Oh, so his luck has changed, eh?  :)

  "What does your girlfriend think of Minami?" she asked. She wanted to
subtly find out if he was attached.

<Snort>  *This* she calls subtle?  Like one of my pre-readers once told
me, "Do I have to engrave the word 'subtle' on a hammer and smash you
over the head with it?"

  "Yusaku" she called out "Chotto matte" 

Hmm?  Wha means chotto matte?

<personal rant>  

I rather don't like it when fanfics use Japanese that the reader may not
be familiar with.  IMO, fanfics that do use Japanese should provide a
glossary.  Better yet, avoid unnecessary Japanese use altogether.  

</personal rant>

  "N-nevermind" she said. She couldn't bring herself to ask him.
 She was too scared he would reject her. She couldn't bear to 
have him say no to her.

Heh.  Been there myself.  :)

  "Okay then. I guess it's best that we leave now. Maybe we might meet
again" With that said, Yusaku walked out of Kyoko's life again. He
disappeared within moments into the crowd of people.

Ooh.  Ouch.

<End for now>

Hmm.  Depressing little thing.

Okay, coupla quick comments.  The prose is a little rushed and sloppy.
A lot of the sentences were kind of stilted.  The way you describe what
had happened to them in the past ten years didn't flow well with the
rest of the dialogue.  Try to find more subtle ways to allude to what
their lives have been like since they've been apart, and this will be a
very nice fanfic.

Polish it up a little, and we can have the MI equivalent of "Bitter
End", without the blood.  :)

Jeffrey "OneShot" Wong

-Richard