Well, I do like this story.  It's rather interesting in its own way, rather
melancholy, but nice.

One comment.  Perhaps you need to reread your story.  I did notice some
places where the sentences would have read better if you had used the correct
punctuations, especially some places which cried out for a comma.

I do really like the story.  It just needs a little sprucing up.

James Holzhauer (aka Tobimaro [Ton-chan])
       ---Boy, am I glad to be back on the FFML!  :)