Princess Fatora bitching over something minor, no sounds of the
visiting priestesses of Muldoon running away from Alielle and
Fatora

When did Fatora take a shine to the priestesses?  (This might make an
interesting story)

My personal take is that the younger princess can't bring herself to
trust anybody and so she can only "love" somebody who's completely
dependent on her.

Motionless they stood, resolute, like chiseled
out of stone those men stood until they saw the most queer thing.

Besides Alielle?

This sentence sucks, drop at least one of the "stood"s.

Her voice was a bit suspiciously low at first, but
as she spoke, her voice rose quickly to match her normal voice.

Ah, she's been taking lessons in being sexy from the master of the art,
Makoto, right?

BTW: This sentence again is packed with more redundancy.

"Are you feeling fine?  You don't
have to judge the criminals if you don't want to."

Feeling fine has a strange American slang meaning.  Perhaps a princess
should ask if one was feeling well.

"Well, did you let loose the secret."

I think the secret was on the loose from "her" first appearance.

Fatora smirked

I can see her doing her "twin" out of obsession with herself.

We were
able to decipher some ancient text today.

You're following on "History of the Djin"?

Nanami sighed as Shayla's return to Mount Muldoon
had resulted in Alielle paying special attention to her.  "I'm
betting Makoto's hurt."

Quick, who is speaking here?  Is it the last speaker or the last actor?

but the feeling it gave him for being important overcame
his repugnance.

He's still suffering from feelings of inadequacy?

as they watched what
appeared to be Princess Fatora and Prince Virago

Ah, he's got a double too?  I wonder if she's cute?

Of course to him, he thought she was the most beautiful
thing he ever seen.

This is the Nth clumsy construction so far.  How about removing the "he
thought" bit?

as soon as he felt the prince's hand land on
his.

Is Makoto's hand on the railing?

Virago winced as he remember
Fatora always beating him up.

Is this action happening now or did it occur in the past.  Watch your
tense.

Picking up the hinges of his dress,

I hope the royal carpenter keeps them well oiled.

For the past two days,
she had been at play, walking around in the city below with
Alielle and Nanami,

This is a lot harder to support than simply hiding in her chambers.  Is
she in disguise?  As Makoto?

"See, ever wonder how I got the
time to come along and play with you two?

Guess not...

Fatora got off of Nanami, but not before feeling her up.

This story is getting more queer all the time.

"But then again, I'm sure Makoto wouldn't mind."

Yeah right.

Alielle sighed, and she walked out of the room.

Where did she go?

He freaked out.

He would, wouldn't he?

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb
    If this was a Ranma fic, I wouldn't have read it.