On 7/9/97 9:58 PM, Richard Lawson at sterman@sprynet.com wrote:

After reading "Apartment", I can't get this stupid idea out of my head:

Hmmm. Knowing you, that could be either good or bad.

Akane and Ukyo share an apartment.  It's a very nice apartment in a good
location, but it's expensive.  They sure'd like another roommate.

Windir: One wonders if, in fact, they might not wish for one *less* 
roommate. True, they are they are quite possibly the most rational 
(presuming one might extend one's reach enough to abuse the term in this 
fashion) of the fiancees considered individually, to say nothing of the 
fiancees' in combination. Indeed, there have been certain hints of some 
degree of fellow feeling between the two. Nevertheless, when discussing 
the actions of any of the, ahem, 'harem' in conjunction, the words 
'unbridled mayhem' come foremost to mind, given their joint rivalry.

Lyra: <Surprised look> You, Windy? Stuck in your viewpoint like that?

Frito snickers, while Windir adopts a carefully blank expression. Lyra 
looks at him for a moment, sighs, and throws up her hands.

Lyra: Look, without Ranma in the picture, they won't *have* that rivalry. 
Got it?

Windir: <Bemused> Oh.

Frito: Uh-huh. <Disgusted look> Nuts!

Lyra: Well, if I'm reading the author right, it'll be coming. 

Then, one morning after having thrown a particularly rowdy party, 

Windir: <Raised eyebrow>

Akane
and Ukyo find a strange man in their bathtub.  Akane turns on the shower
head in a panic.  Imagine her surprise when Ranma turns female.

Lyra: <Grinning> Well, if you can't beat 'em...

Frito snickers lecherously.

It turns out Ranma needs a place to stay.  Akane and Ukyo agree - hey,
the guy is cute.

Frito: Yahright! Ya think she's gonna like sharin' da shower with some 
*guy* like that? Dream on! I got yer one-way ticket on Mallet Express, 
comin' right up...

Unfortunately, the landlord (by name of Mrs. Nodoker) who lives right
above them won't allow a man to live in the apartment.  

Lyra: <Uneasily> This is starting to sound awfully familiar...

So whenever she
makes one of her surprise inspections, Ranma must quickly turn female to
allay her suspicions.

Frito: I think I see *dis* one comin'! Mohuhuhuhoohoohahahahahaha!

Windir and Lyra trade resigned looks, before Windir's expression relapses 
into a puzzled frown, as if something's just on the tip of his mental 
tongue.

Yes, these and other zany antics are yours for the viewing... every week
on...

Windir: No! It couldn't be...

3 1/2's COMPANY

Windir: Aaaaaah! NO! ARRRRGH! <Falls back in his chair and shakes for a 
moment, before sitting back up with a feral look on his face.> Fred 
Silverman must die! Aaron Spelling must die! NYAAARRGH! Hut! Hut! Hut! 

Windir rolls out of his chair into a crouch, eyes flicking from side to 
side. He begins crossing the theatre floor in short dashes from cover to 
cover, heading towards the orchestra pit, until Lyra trips him and sits 
on him.

Lyra: What the heck was *that*?

Frito: <Shrugs> '70s Flashback. He gets 'em from time to time.

-Richard
-Nope, I'm not gonna touch this one

Lyra: <Judiciously> Just as well, I suppose. 

Windir: <Wiping brow and straightening his velvet smoking jacket> Ahem. 
Indeed. I feel our author has forestalled an undoubtedly massive karmic 
debt that would lead to him spending his future reincarnations in the 
body of a cockroach, in perpetuity. The literary aspersions of archie 
notwithstanding, I would prefer a more-or-less human purveyor of those 
tales Mr. Lawson has made so deservedly infamous.

Lyra: Er... don't you mean famous?

Windir: <Folding arms> I stand by my original wording.

Frito: Aw, *rats*! You guys ain't no fun!

Lyra: How so?

Frito: Hey, just think of da possibilities! 

Windir: <Leaden voice> I am.

Lyra: Well, it can't be *that* bad. Just imagine... <Stops in thought for 
a moment> I know! <Stands up and strikes a pose, tossing her ponytail 
over her shoulder> Imagine what would happen when Suzanne Sommers' 
personality begins invading Akane's soul!

Windir starts violently, then falls back in his chair and begins 
twitching violently.

Frito: Uh... maybe that ain't so good an idea.

Lyra stands arrested, eyes turned inward.

Lyra: <Hollow voice> Too late. <Topples over into Frito's barrel of 
popcorn>

Frito: Awww. And we ain't even got to da *good* bits yet...

Lyra: <Struggling to pull herself upright> Dear Ghu, may you have mercy 
on us all... NO!

Windir: <Also desperately trying to regain composure> I... <gulps> I 
think we have conclusively shown that although he did avoid an eternity 
as a cockroach, our author has undoubtedly earned enough karmic debt to 
spend the next sixty years possessed by the spirit of the Spring of 
Drowned Gopher.

Lyra: <Deadpan> Not that it wouldn't be an advantage sometimes, where 
he's at now.

Frito: Hehehe... just imagine him with them funny buck teeth!

[Editor's note: Yeah, I know, it was just supposed to be a silly little 
bit. So was this. ^_^]


Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Hello. I'm afraid I'm not sapient right now, but if you'll leave a 
message I'll get back to you when I reach a higher evolutionary plane. 
Thank you.