Continuing from where I left off.

From: fcasper <fcasper@yesic.com>
"PAST ENCOUNTERS"

not noticing that Ataru was admiring the exterior of her 
body.

POV continues to be a big problem here.  Who exactly is noticing this?

Ataru felt his heart beating 
faster with excitement as their lips began to touch....

Even in his dreams he doesn't go very far.  I think his being a risk for
STD is greatly overrated, especially since Lum laughs at puny Earth
afflictions.

Now on the other hand, if he caught something from Lum, (How far did she
go with the zero anyway?), well he'd probably turn into a duck or
something.

Lum shouted, looking 
furious.

Was she sparkling?

Lum floated over to her husband and hugged him close.

She was sitting and got out of her seat or just carried it along?

"Well, I've been here for about a year so you would have been
only six when it happened...."  Lum replied.  "Actually a lot of people
seemed to have forgotten about it otherwise darling would be more 
popular...."

Scrambled tense again.  Present for speech, past for exposition, OK?

Megane briefly 
considered going into the bathroom to confront Ataru but decided to stay
put.

Now think about how it would look if instead we were witness to Megane's
internal debate?

Ataru's eyes widened with horror as he remembered how spicy
Lum's cooking could be.  "W....Wait!  Let's not be hasty!  Akane can
make us something!"

He is about to get quite a lesson, no?  (BTW: I'm borrowing an idea
about Lum's cooking for AA Oni, keep a close look for Keiichi's reaction
to it)

The house was beautiful!  There was no
evidence of damage and the paint looked new.  Why, it looked just like 
it did when she and her husband were first married.

Unless you believe that Ataru really is a bastard, you'll agree that the
Moroboshis had been married for at least five years before getting the
house. (See the "training the sparrow" episode where they were just
moving in)

OK, now everybody's lost in time.

How about Happi vs Ataru in a race for the fate of the universe?  (If
Happi can glomp the most famous women in history before Ataru gets their
phone numbers...)

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb