From: fcasper <fcasper@yesic.com>

"PAST ENCOUNTERS"

Akane sat quietly on the porch,

..

Kasumi comes out of the house, carrying a basket

Mixed tense here.

Kasumi inquired.

I'd rather see an action beat here, something to do with the laundry.

Kasumi gave her a brief but detailed recap of Akane's 

experiences in Tomobiki

This sounds like she's talking about Akane to a third person.

Akane looked back up at her sister who only smiled.  Then

Akane suddenly realized what Kasumi meant and stood up to go into

the house.  She made a beeline towards the phone

The style is too dry.  How about trying first person?

"Have fun chasing a piece of paper."

I could see this of Nabiki or Ranma, but Akane should just beatup the

little twerp.

She went to the bus stop and took the bus across town to where

the Moroboshi's lived.

"I'm sorry miss, but this bus pass won't be valid for a few years..."

Akane's eyes widened.

Akane's eyes widened with shock.

You have two Akanes here, distinguish.

and gently rubbed his

head against her.

Her what?  (Henti minds want to know)

I don't know, Akane, maybe you have a power like Lum's 

that makes men want to protect you.....

They sure have a damn strange way of showing it!

"Okay, now give me the panties!"  Happosai demanded.

...

Happosai sobbing into what appeared to be a bra but on closer 

inspection was a piece of paper shaped like a bra.

Transforming paper clothing templates!

Ranma started to chuckle when he suddenly found himself 

airborne via Happosai's pipe.

The technique doesn't work that way...

had mistaken Akane for someone else

Hair is different lengths and different colors.

Akane's body was beginning to 

spark....

Watch out for those pickled plums!

I already told you she 

can return to the past any time she wants!

How about the present?



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb