Chapter 7:   Somber Sunday (shyeah... right....)

by Epsilon


What happened: ... You've -got- to be kidding.  (silence) You're not? 
(silence) Well how am I supposed to tell everything that happ...
(interrupted... silence) We're on the air?  (pause) You do realize that
I hate you.  (sound of a phone hanging up) Uhm....

Uhm: Yes?

Assorted other contributors: NO GRIT!  <crunch!>

Narrator: It... te... okay.  Well, the basic story is... oh frig it,
read the last six chapters.  I have a golf game at six.  Ja!  (footsteps
recede and then silence prevails)

Uhm: Uh... hello... is anyone out there?  (crickets chirp) Hello? 
(walking sounds are heard)

----------------

Picture if you will a house, a modest home, with a traditional peaked
roof and a small covered hall leading to an out-building of some kind. 
The house is two stories tall, with a roof that has seen better days. 
The house is surrounded by a yard, in this yard is a traditional Zen
arrangement of several items, such as rocks, a pond and a few tall to
medium sized trees.  The entire thing is surrounded by a wall, making
the yard into a court yard.  The wall has also seen better days.  Got
that picture in your mind?  Sure?  Do you see the way the sun glints of
the koi pond like a tiny golden sheet?  Can you picture the soft hum of
the crickets as they while away the hours in blissful ignorance of the
more important things in life like acne and global thermonuclear
devastation?  Are you about sick of me describing the house?  Excellent,
now that you have the picture of that house firmly entrenched in your
mind... go about half a city to the right, a bit to the north and we
arrive at the house of one Mikado Sanzenin.

---

"Argh" Mikado arghed in that arghish kind of way that seemed suited for
those kind of times when you felt like the world was against you and
nothing you could do would go right.  That or whenever you discovered
you had gone bald at age 7, one of the two.  "Can you believe this
Tatakusi!"

Tatakusi of course, could believe it.  Having lived with the Sanzenin
family for nearly a decade he was well aware of the romantic
misadventures of his young ward.  "No Mikado-dono," Tatakusi said, after
all, he was not stupid enough to say as much.

"To think, my love life ruined again by... by... by..."

"Ranma Saotome Mikado-dono."  Tatakusi was also well aware of the name
of that boy.  Hardly a week went by in which the young master did not
expound upon how that boy had ruined his life.

"Yes..."  Mikado said in that way the villain of the story has of saying
things so they sounded ominous and foreboding.  "At last I have come
upon the answer to my problem!"

"The divine revenge of the holy Emperor Senzinin?"

"You know me well my fine companion."  Mikado said, his cool having once
again reasserted itself.  In truth, it was no particular insight into
the psyche that prompted Tatakusi's words-in fact, he had made a silent
vow that the moment he began to have insights into the young masters
psyche he would seek professional help of some form, preferably in the
form of a bullet to the brain- but simple pattern.  Hardly two weeks
went by when Tatakusi was not privy to the young masters plots of
revenge.  Not that the ever went anywhere, the young master would no
doubt be enraptured by some be-skirted damsel by tomorrow so his plans
would fall apart as he chased his newest vic...er... vixen down.

"Here is what I shall do..."  Tatakusi started the tape recorder he kept
for just such an occasion as this and promptly fell asleep.  No small
feat since he was standing up and kept his eyes open the whole time.  He
knew the drive would be gone in a few hours... but little did he know
it, but he was wrong... oh so terribly wrong... okay, so not terribly
wrong.  Maybe incredibly wrong?  Would you believe badly wrong?

---

Saturday in the Nekohanten was a busy time.  For, like the Fridays of
the states, Saturday was the last day of week's classes, the only night
in which students could stay up late.  Thus the crowds would pour into
the restaurants, enjoying their one night of freedom.

Shampoo did not share the enthusiasm of the recently released student
body, which was sort of disappointing since the majority of the recently
released student body had been looking forward to witnessing her
enthusiasm first hand, or at least, her tendency to jump up and down
when enthused.  The collective of hormonal sacks often mislabeled
teenagers was not the only ones to notice Shampoo's distinct lack of
enthusiasm.

"What is troubling you great-granddaughter?"  Cologne asked her pupil in
Chinese from where she sat much like a vulture upon the cash register.

"Shampoo is worried about the magic letter," The decidedly less bouncy
then normal Amazon replied in her native dialect.

"I see...."  Cologne pondered the situation for a whole second,
revealing how deep into her vast reserves she was delving for the
knowledge that would answer her grand-daughters worries.  Usually it
took her something less than instantaneous to figure out what to do.  "I
think I have a solution."

"Aiya!"  Shampoo bounced, effecting a cheer from the restaurant, "You
mean it?"

"Yes, but come first we must feed our customers.  Then we shall find
that letter."

And so everyone in the Nekohanten was happy again, because Shampoo was
happy Cologne was happy and the customers were happy and the cockroaches
were happy... or at least not unhappy, seeing as how cockroaches might
not be able to be happy and the flowers bloomed and the children played
and the rainbows covered the sky and songs of joy filled the air and
they lived happily ever after.  The end.

...

(sound of a bokken connecting with a skull in a fashion that would make
it most uncomfortable for the skull in question.  <though really if you
can name me a fashion in which a bokken can collide with a skull so that
it would not be uncomfortable then please inform me.>)

Blade: Get on with it!

Aaron: Sheesh... alright...

Well, actually, I lied.  Not everyone in the Nekohanten was happy (aside
form the cockroaches of course).  The duck was not amused.  The duck was
used to not being amused, so this was nothing new really, which is why I
had forgotten about it.  However, this time is somewhat special, since
the duck was not amused and the duck was not amused enough at this point
to decide he would do something about it.  The duck quietly finished
using his little broom to push the garbage around on the floors under
the table, a job uniquely suited to a duck since most humans would
probably be beaten within an inch of their lives should they be caught
waddling around under people's tables and divesting them of unwanted
foodstuffs.  Once finishing that final task the duck quietly walked into
the kitchen, quacking to itself in amusement at his own cleverness the
duck slipped out the back door.  Or at least, what he thought was the
back door, in reality it was the laundry shoot.  Upon discovery of this
fact of life the duck returned to being not amused.

---

Ryouga was lost.  This was nothing new.

---

Akane and Ukyou rushed down the street, unsure of their exact
destination, but rushing to get there as fast as their legs could carry
them.

"Why'd you go and do that!"  Akane berated Ukyou for about the fiftieth
time this minute, or at least it seemed this way to Ukyou.

"You did it too," Ukyou repeated her reply, her voice having reached the
point where it was beginning to crack both from the strain of not
yelling at Akane and the strain of repeating the litany again for what
must have been the thousandth time.

"It was a reflex action."  Akane said as if that somehow removed all
guilt for the situation.  Somehow Ukyou couldn't quite picture Akane
standing in a courtroom and appealing on the grounds of her crime was "a
reflex action".

"And mine wasn't?"  Ukyou sighed, "Listen, we -both- have to find
Ranchan.  There's no telling what trouble that letter is getting him
into."

"With his pee-brain he can get into plenty of trouble without it."

Being unwilling to debate the topic of Ranma's intelligence (or lack
thereof as the case may be), Ukyou bit her tongue and ran on in silence.

"Why'd you go and..."  Akane was interrupted by the sound of an all too
familiar voice.

"Ah, the pig-tailed girl!  At last you have decided to show me your true
love!"

Ukyou and Akane nearly tripped over their own feet as they ground to a
halt.  Akane looked around and noticed that they were only around the
corner from her place.  Looking at each other, the two sped around the
corner guiltily and ran towards the dojo's main gate.

There stood Kunou, all spiffed up, and in front of him stood Ranma-chan,
blinking at Kunou in obvious confusion.  In her hand she held the
offending letter.

"Oh..."  Ukyou said in shock.

"...no."  Akane finished for her.

"NOOOOOO!"  They both screamed at the top of their lungs as they ran in
at Ranma and Kunou.  Both of the people at the location they so rapidly
accelerated towards looked over and noted the approach with surprise.

"Akane Tendo!"  Kunou espoused, " I regret to say you are too late, as
it is the pig-taile..."  There was a soft thud as Akane's fist impacted
with Kunou's chin, and the shrill whish as he began his rapid
acceleration into the evening sky.

"Ranma snap out of it!"  Ukyou cried as she made a grab for the letter,
Ranma easily evaded her grab and kept the letter in her possession.

"What are you talking about Ucchan?"

Akane and Ukyou exchanged glances.

"Ranma..."  Ukyou started in a slow even tone.

"What?"  Ranma asked as she backed up from the two, suddenly nervous.

"Are you in love with Kunou?"  Akane shot out bluntly, earning a minor
glare from Ukyou.

Ranma's reaction was to blink, take a step back and clutch her stomach. 
"God no!  You're making me sick just -thinking- about t..  tha..  that!"

With equal cries of glee both girls glomped Ranma-chan from opposite
sides, crushing her between.  A scene no doubt likely to cause
nosebleeds in more conservative males.  (Thankfully Nabiki was able to
get a few pictures from her ready angle in the dojo window.  They are
available from any mail-order catalog for the low-low one day only price
of 1000 for two wallets or a single 8x10.)

Presently Akane realized what she was doing and stagger-leaped back a
foot.  Ranma's sudden look of relief, which was unrelated to the fact
that she had released him and had much more to do with the tiny fact
that he could breath once again, caused her normal glare for being in
the arms of another (Ukyou being not quite as willing to listen to the
voice of propriety in this case as Akane) to turn into a full blown
rock-smelting glower.

"And just -what- are you two girls doing?"

Ranma, suddenly able to think again, thanks to the resupply of oxygen to
her brain yelped and pulled away from Ukyou.  Ukyou released him and
gave a melancholy sigh.  "Akane!  I can explain... well, no I can't...
but just wait..."

Ukyou went inside the dojo to inform Kasumi that Ranma would be needing
the couch while Akane removed the Almighty Mallet(tm) from wherever it
was she kept it.

---

Time is a current, or a Mobius strip, or perhaps it's a piece of plastic
wrap.  It might be a basketball, or a piece of stubble on the face of
god.  Who knows?  Who cares?  What does this have to do with anything? 
Well, the point is that no matter what time is, it does one thing, it
passes.  Which is what it did here.  Passed to a point where the three
girls were inside the living room discussing the letter.  Soun and Genma
were near-by, attempting in a not quite successful manner to covertly
eavesdrop on the conversation.  Nabiki was doing a much better job of it
anyway.

"So you have to stay a girl."  Ukyou finished.

"This sucks," Ranma-chan said with a grumble as she slumped down.

"Well as long as you're holding that letter," Akane said, "It isn't
affecting anybody else and you are immune to it while you're a girl."

"I know..."  Ranma said with a sigh, "I don't have to like it do I?"

"Of course not Ran-chan," said guess-who.

"How long will I have to stay like this?"  Ranma asked.

"Until we can figure out how to get rid of it," Ukyou stated
matter-of-factly.

"Great..."  Ranma muttered.

"I guess we better get some sleep then," Akane said noting the fact that
the sun had set outside.

"Guess you're right," Ranma grumbled and swayed up to her feet and
swayed of to her room.

"Which means -you'll- be leaving," Akane said to Ukyou in a tone that
wasn't quite sugary sweet, which is akin to saying the atom bomb was
'not a nice thing to do'.

"I get the picture," Ukyou said as she raised herself up.

"But I'm coming back first thing tomorrow so we can brainstorm on how to
fix this problem."

"Right," Akane said as she pushed Ukyou (literally) out the door.

Rolling her eyes Ukyou decided it was best she move under her own power
soon, or she suspected Akane would push her all the way back to
Ucchan's.  As soon as Ukyou was gone Akane let out a sigh of relief. 
The last thing she needed was that harlot trying to move in on Ranma
again like the last time.

As Akane left the room for the dojo so she could work off some of the
days frustrations on harmless building materials, Soun and Genma looked
at each other.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Tendo-kun?"

"I think I am Saotome-kun."

The two grinned at each other in just that way which has been known to
cause small children to cry (then again clowns, ponies and balloons have
also been known to cause small children to cry, so I guess they aren't
the best judges).

---

Much to Tatakusi's displeasure, it had indeed turned out that his master
was interested in revenge.  The reason he was sure of this was because
he was currently hanging from the ceiling of a suburban home by suction
cups while carrying what felt like something a few feathers shy of a ten
ton weight's worth of equipment.  What the young Master needed with a
good 90% of the equipment in the sack was beyond Tatakusi's
comprehension.  But 'ours is not to reason why...' and all that. 
Another reason he was displeased with the fact that he was hanging from
the ceiling in a black jogging suit by suction cups well after all
decent people were in bed was the fact that they were obviously not
attempting anything which could be remotely related to the concept of
stealth.

"Ahhh, Tatakusi," Mikado said in his normal tone from where he was
hanging onto the ceiling in front of his servant, "Doesn't this make the
blood flow!"

"Yes Mikado-dono," Tatakusi attempted to say, but do to his strain it
came out more like "yyyyyyyyyy Mikkkk-
arrrrrrrrrdododododoooooohhhhh..."

Mikado sniffed.  This was good, soon his revenge would be complete -and-
the lips of the fair Akane would be his.  He chortled softly to
himself.  Ranma, who had caused him humiliation after humiliation would
finally receive his just deserts.  He laughed low and villainously.  And
nothing could stop him!  He let loose what promised to be a decent
megalomaniacal laugh, but it didn't quite achieve that since it was at
about this point that his head collided with something strong enough to
knock him temporarily senseless.

When he regained his sense (such as the were that is) he noticed two
things, one he was on the floor and two, there was someone on top of
him.  Whoever it was was dressed in black and was small, no bigger than
a boy.  "Tatakusi get off of me!"  He roared, heedless of the fact he
was supposed to be an unannounced visitor.

"I am off of you Mikado-dono" Tatakusi tried to say and was quite proud
of the fact that he even managed to get half of it legible.

"Then who..."  Mikado picked up the face of the man on top of him and
looked him straight in the eyes.  Whoever it was was the ugliest man he
had ever seen, with a plum shaped head and cat-like whiskers.  He was
also sweating quite a bit and had a large nervous smile on his lips.

"uhhh... hi...."  The man said.

"And who are you?"  Mikado asked in even tones.

"Sasuke, noble servant of house Kunou!"

"Do you mind?"  Mikado indicated a position on the floor which seemed to
be of the proper size and structural integrity to support the small
ninja.

"Not at all," Sasuke said as he rolled of Mikado.  Once he was indeed
entirely off him, Mikado stood up and held out his hand.  With a
herculean effort Tatakusi (who was still attached to the ceiling and
generally intended to stay that way since he was not entirely sure the
floor would hold up to him and the sack dropping upon it) handed him a
comb.

"May I ask what you are doing here?"  Mikado said as he readjusted his
hair back to pristine condition.

"I'm on ninja business."

"Oh okay..."  Mikado said, and then threw Sasuke out an near-by window. 
"There, that's that.  Now, with no more interruptions..."

It was at precisely this moment that Genma and Sound chose to enter the
hall.  Mikado stopped still.  Soun and Genma exchanged glances.

"May I ask what you are doing in my home in the middle of the night?"

"I'm..."

At this point the poor ceiling, which had had quite enough of Tatakusi
(or more importantly, the sack he was wearing) hanging onto it gave way
and the three (Tatakusi, a portion of the ceiling and the sack, not
Soun, Mikado and Genma) plummeted down to and through the floor.  Soun's
hair stood on end and his eyes bulged.

"What -is- the meaning of this!"  He roared, his voice now amplified
considerably since his head was the size of a small car.  Mikado fell
down and looked into the hole created by Tatakusi's ill-timed fall.

"We're.... plumbers!"  He looked up with a Mikado's Charming Smile #15,
"This is just a new way of checking the plumbing.  We do midnight
inspections so as not to disturb our customers."

"Well," Said Genma, "if you put it that way..."

"... it's a great idea eh Saotome-kun?"

"Couldn't agree more Tendo-kun."

"We certainly don't want the plumbing broken in -this- house!"  Soun
chortled.

"No we don't!"  Genma joined in.

Mikado was having a hard time getting over the fact that that had
worked, and was still in mild-shock when the two patted him on the back,
informed him to continue his good work and went on around the corner.

"This is going to be easier than I thought..."  he mused.

"Oh Mikado-dono," Tatakusi's voice drifted up from the whole in the
floor.

"What is it?"  Mikado asked in some annoyance.

"I think I broke my back in the fall.  I might need an ambu..."

"Oh take it like a man."

"Yes Mikado-dono.  I'll just bleed internally down here until I die."

"You do that."

---

Mousse slipped through the second story window to Ranma's room with the
grace of a swan and the silence of a hawk.  There was Ranma, in his bed
fast asleep, unaware of the danger that lurked so near-by.  If Mousse
was right the letter was no doubt in his hated rivals possession.  Every
other magical object on earth seemed to gravitate to that boy.  All he
had to do was steal it and make sure that Akane handed it back to
Ranma... then Ranma would love Akane and Shampoo would belong only to
Mousse.  It was the perfect plan.  He stalked over to the bed, searching
for the envelope that would mark his triumph over Ranma at long last. 
There was only one thing which Mousse failed to take into account... his
glasses.

Akane woke up with a start, she looked over and say a shadowy figure,
indistinct in the darkness looming over her, arms held out like claws. 
She reacted in her typical fashion, she screamed, she hit and she
screamed some more, while hitting harder.

Mousse did not take well to this.  First her learned it was not Ranma
when Akane yelled "Hentai!  Rapist!"  from the bed, then he learned new
forms of pain as Akane's foot flew with unnatural accuracy between his
legs.  Unable to so much as speak through the pain he was subject to a
few dozen bashes by a raging Akane with the Almighty Mallet(tm) and
kicked out the window.  Where, of course, he landed in the pond.  Upon
reflections of the situation the duck could only come to one
conclusion.  He was not amused.

---

Soun and Genma had much better luck finding Ranma's room than Mousse
did.  The reason for this was obvious of course, so I will not go into
long and boring details just now, suffice it to say, it was easier for
them than it was for a blind boy who didn't live in the house and
happened not to have the advantage of being the roommate of the target
in question.  Oh great, there I went and did it!  And I said I wouldn't
waste time on it... great... oh well, nothing to do now but buckle down,
look on to greener pastures and get on with our lives.  Yes!  We can't
let this little set-back pull us down (stars appear in the background
around the narrator) only forward, -ever- forward!  Onward and upward,
and all that rot, cabbage crates coming over the briny!  <piku> Okay,
I'll stop with the Happy Pills now... oy...

Anyway, soon after they had left Mikado out in the corridor, they had
arrived at Ranma's room.  Upon arriving at Ranma's room they began to
start part one of their diabolical scheme.  That was, the retrieval of
the magic love letter(tm).

"What an excellent chance," Genma said softly, face hidden in the
typical peeping-disguise for no particular reason.

"Yes Saotome-kun," Soun replied in the same whisper, "How can we
possibly pass up this golden opportunity?"

"That's just it," Genma replied with an evil grin as he slowly pulled
the letter from his son female hands, "We can't."

Both laughed somewhat loudly for people trying to be sneaky.  Then
_things_started_to_go_wrong_.

"Hmmm..."  Genma said as he unfolded the letter, "Wonder what the big
deal about this thing is anyway..."

If the Voice of Reason had recently deserted Ranma Saotome... it had
long ago committed suicide in Genma's little brain...

---

Ukyou was on the roof of the Tendo Household, her usual outfit replaced
with a ninja outfit borrowed from Konatsu.  She wasn't here on a
pleasure trip, no, now was time for business.  She had to get that
letter.  There was no way she was going to let Ranchan remain as a girl
for his whole life, she would take the letter and keep it, that way
nothing would change, after all, she already loved Ranchan so what more
could it do to her.  {Strange} she thought as the thunder rumbled above
her...

Now all she had to do was sneak down into Ranma's room and steal the
letter.  God's knew Akane wouldn't let her take it by asking, probably
be too interested in what Ukyou would do with it (or more likely -who-
Ukyou would use it on...) to let her just take it for the good of them
all.

After successfully prying out the tile she had been working on, she
slipped into the small hole and fell down into the attic.  Now, if she
knew the layout of this house half as well as she thought she did, then
Ranchan's room would be in -that- direction.  With a confident smile on
her face, she set off toward her destiny.

---

In another part of the house, another uninvited guest was making himself
known.  This guest was none other than the least favorite person in
Nerima ward.  Non other than the midnight panty-raider, Happousai
himself.  He was making himself known in the kitchen, where he had
walked over the pile of rubble and equipment that covered faithful
Satakusi without a second glance.  But now his senses had picked up. 
Magic.  The same magic he had felt before, recently activated.  The
magic that had made that nice black-haired gymnast so... eager.  And if
was in this house... then that meant...

"Ranma-chan!  Akane-chan!"  With a squeal of delight he ran out of the
kitchen.  Back under the pile Satakusi had managed to retrieve a
walkie-talkie and was calling for medical assistance.  In the hall above
him Mikado had retrieved the implements of his diabolical revenge and
moved on.  Soon, all would be in readiness, soon he would strike...

---

Cologne and Shampoo came down onto the Tendo dojo with the softest of
thumps, made mostly by the less experienced and somewhat heavier
granddaughter within the group.

"Aiya," Shampoo looked worried, "You said is here?"

"Yes Shampoo..."  Cologne replied, eyes narrowing, "And I fear the
worst..."

With that, the two Amazons ran atop the connecting hall, trying to get
to the letter that Cologne had finally sensed before it was too late.

---

It was too late.

Glomp.

"AAAAAHHHH!!"

"I love you!"

"S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s--s-s-s-SAOTOME!!!!!"

This was -not- how Ranma had wanted to wake up, to make an
understatement.  Specifically the thing that was going on was that her
father was at the moment glomping her and informing her of his undying
love.  Ranma was too sick and shocked to reply at first.  Thankfully,
Mr.  Tendo's temper actually served to -help- Ranma this once as he
began yelling at Genma in full Demon Head mode and started firing
projectiles.  Then his father picked her up and started running away
with her.  This was also not good.  Finally snapping out of her stupor
Ranma-chan smacked a foot into her father's face and watched him crumble
like a sack of potatoes.

"What was -that- all about?"  Ranma asked as he landed on the big
tub-o-lards good sized gut.

"I... uhm... have no idea..."  Soun said, sweating like a pig being lead
to the slaughter house.  He began to laugh low and nervously.

Ranma cast him a suspicious glance then looked down at her father. 
There it was, right in the old mans hand.  The letter.  Ranma groaned. 
"You idiot!"  She growled and kicked him.  And so, as if to prove that
the apple does not fall far from the tree, she reached down to remove
the letter from his hands...

"RANCHAN NO!"

Ranma blinked as the ceiling exploded downward and a form dropped onto
her.  He fell under the attack and landed with the breath knocked out of
him.  Ranma's instinctive reaction was the roll back, flipping the
assailant off her stomach and completing with a axe kick.  But something
told him not to, so he simply waited for his breath to catch back up
with him before opening his eyes to find out who it was.  That was his
first mistake.  For you see, it was about at this time that a certain
short-haired girl who had been rudely interrupted in her sleep decided
to burst in upon the party.

The girl had, of course, decided that the whole incident was Ranma's
fault somehow.  If it wasn't Ranma himself who had snuck into her room. 
Of course, seeing Ukyou in a tight fitting ninja outfit sitting on top
of a heavily breathing female Ranma (still trying to catch his breath
remember) with an unconscious Genma in the corner and Soun wailing in
the opposite one only reinforced certain ideals in her mind.

"RANMA!  You... you JERK!"  With that she hit him, err, her over the
head with the almighty mallet, causing Ukyou to pull away with her hands
in the strange u-like position people seemed to adopt around here for no
reason.  Ranma was quite obviously struggling to remain conscious, which
was her second mistake, as Akane decided that meant he could take a few
more.  "And to THINK, you're GIRLS how could you!"  She punctuated her
sentence with another good whack from her weapon of choice.

Ukyou considered intervening, but then thought better of it.  This was
not exactly how she had planned to go about tonight's mission.  What
happened next was of course, another thing she had not planned on.

Shampoo burst through the wall.  Silently Ukyou wondered if they had
those things called "doors" where Shampoo came from, and if so anyone
had ever tutored the Amazon in their use.  It was not entirely out of
the realm of possibility that they had been so concerned with her
martial prowess that they had neglected some of the simpler lessons
about life.

"Aiya!  What you do to husband pervert-girl!"  Shampoo shouted at Akane
in a challenging way and brandished her bonbori.

"So?  Inviting your little harem to a midnight party eh Ranma?"  Akane
said in a dangerously calm voice.  Ukyou prepared for the explosion, and
as it was, she was so caught up in how to salvage this situation that
she completely forgot about the reason she had come here in the first
place.  That was the letter.  Or the fact that Cologne was appropriating
it from the unconscious grip of Genma even as Akane declared her undying
hatred for Ranma and smashed him through the floor into the living room.

No one noticed as Cologne, seemingly nonchalantly began to peruse the
letter.  Even as every warning in her frail body and experienced mind
did declare the wrongness of this course of action.  The reason they
didn't notice was because Ranma had fallen straight on top of
Happousai.  The old leech had been unable to resist the unconscious
girl's feminine wiles, and so Ranma had awakened once more to the
glomping of a somewhat less than sane person, to say the least.

With a snarl of animal rage she booted the old hentai through the hole
in the floor and through Ukyou's hole in the ceiling and then out the
roof and into the stratosphere.

It was at this point that Cologne declared her undying love for Genma
Saotome and picked up his unconscious body on the tip of her staff and
declared that she would proceed to the wedding post haste.  Ukyou stared
at this, trying to keep up with the situation as best she could. 
Shampoo seemed happy, declaring that this meant Ranma was hers now. 
That snapped Ukyou out of it quick.

"What do you mean he's yours!"  she cried at the Amazon, brandishing her
spatula.

"O-baba marry Ranma father, that make Ranma Amazon and he have follow
law."  She declared triumphantly.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!"  Ukyou yelled as she charged
towards Cologne, sending out mini-spatulas in an attempt to dislodge the
letter.  Cologne only sneered and easily knocked the projectiles out of
the air with her spinning staff.  Which somehow managed to support Genma
at the same time without getting him hit.

But then, just as Ranma leaped up through the hole in the floor, trying
to pursue Akane who had run crying from the room sometime during the
chaos while Ukyou had not been paying attention, a chain flew out from
behind Cologne and snatched the magical object from her frail grasp. 
Everyone gasped as a duck flew in through the hole Shampoo and her
grandmother had made on their way in... the letter firmly plastered on
his bill.  The duck slammed into the wall, being less able to see than
usual, and fell to the ground.  Immediately it leaped up and turned
around as if to attack... and flew at Cologne, quacking, with hearts in
it's eyes.

Ranma smacked the duck to the ground, thinking not even his worst enemy
deserved such a horrible fate.  It was around that point that things
took a turn for the worst...

---

Go back if you will.  Back in time.  There we see a mastodon grazing
easily on the... not -that- far back!  Now go forward, see the exploits
of that hover car as it speeds out of the atmosphere towards... grrr...
fine.  Here we are, back not five minutes ago by the standard of the
events in Ranma's room.

In another part of the town, the house of the noble (snicker) Kunous,
the scion of that house stands barely awake.  Listening to the report of
his trusted servant who had returned not but a minute ago and awakened
Tatewaki from his sleep.  After trashing the poor man, Kuno had gone on
to listen to his most trusted servants words.  Words that did indeed
sound most perilous.

"That... that CUR Ranma has the letter!"

"Yes Kunou-sama," Sasuke replied, "and who knows what evil he plans on
putting it too!"

"That fiend!"  Kunou exclaimed as he rose to his feet, bokken held high
and Sasuke holding a picture of the rising sun behind him, "Not only
does he steal my loves from me.  but now my very love letter that I
crafted with me own two hands!"  (Kunou's memory tends to forget
unimportant details like that) "Should he uses it's verses on another
maiden... then his hold over women and his hideous power would
increase!  Nay, I can not let that happen!"  With that Kunou sprinted
from the room.

"Kunou-sama!"  Sasuke yelled.

"What is it man!  Can you not see I am busy?"

"Shouldn't you... put some clothes on?"

Kunou looked down at his samurai decorated boxers and over shirt in
horror then leaped back into the house to properly dress and prepare
himself to smite the cursed Saotome once and for all!

---

A cold wind blew across the rooftops of Nerima, the kind of wind that
movie producers loved to have around.  It was that ominous, blowing sort
of coldness that was ominously cold in the way it blew.  Really, it was.

This cold wind accompanied a great evil... well, was caused by a great
evil.  Or more accurately, said great evils imminent crash-landing.  The
speed at which he had been traveling had produced wind and the coldness
was caused by his own cold fury.  He landed in a heap, creating large
cracks along the roof tiles of the simple suburban home.

With a laugh he stood to his feet again, his battle aura glowing around
his tiny frame like a beckon to all the evils in the world.  He readied
himself, then began to dash off towards the place where he had been so
rudely ejected.

No force on Earth would stop Happousai now!  "Ranma!"  The old man
screamed, "I shall have the letter!"  His aura flickered and flared,
causing a cold wind to ominously blow across the rooftops again.

Then he spotted the laundry of some girl hanging out in the window.  His
resolve dissolved and he clammered onto them.  Who really needed that
letter anyway?  Aura gone long ago, Happousai began to collect panties.

---

Back at the Tendo household, that turn for the worse I mentioned earlier
had occurred.  For you see, in her tear filled rage Akane had fled the
room of her tormentor and slammed straight into the bishounen form of
one Mikado Senzanin.

"What's this?"  Mikado said after picking himself out of the wall.

"Oh I'm so sorry..."  Akane said, not quite thinking at the moment about
asking -what- this boy was doing in her house in the middle of the
night.

"No problem at all."  Mikado assured her with a charming smile even as
he hid the object of his terrible vengeance behind his back.  "I am more
concerned about why such a sweet girl as yourself is crying so?"

Akane blushed, then her mind began to work again, however Mikado was
already moving in.  His breath coming out in short words, which though
they were in Japanese held no meaning besides distraction.  Akane looked
up and recognition came to her face once more...

"Allow me to soothe your tortured emotions my dear..."  and Akane
slugged him.

"Men are pigs!"  she cried and ran back to her room again.

Meanwhile Mikado had been tossed through the wall into Ranma's room. 
Where he had landed on Soun, causing the man to stumble forward, where
he flayed his arms for balance and only succeeded in pushing Ukyou into
Shampoo, causing the Shampoo to respond as if attacked.  The sudden
fight bowled into the just now regaining consciousness Genma, who fell
on top of Mousse, causing the letter which the duck was still holding in
it's beak to fly up and straight into the face of Ranma.

Cologne was the first to realize what was wrong, but couldn't get to
Ranma in time as the boy turned girl declared her love for the boy
turned duck and proceeded to attempt to leave the house post haste, only
to have her way blocked by a tall figure in samurai garb.

"Pig-tailed girl!"  Kuno shouted as he glomped her, causing her to drop
the duck and the letter.  Which conviently landed in front of the large
explosion which had just ripped apart the floor with a cry of
"Bakusaitenketsu"!

And from there, things continued to degrade downhill.

---

Akane sat in her room, trying to ignore the noises coming from down the
hall.  She had surprising success actually, considering the racket could
probably be heard half way to Furinkan.  Still, it did manage to sneak
through, creating that sick feeling she sometimes got when she thought
of Ranma with another girl, the one that could best be removed by
hitting Ranma repeatedly.  Of course, now she had promised not to return
to the room so she -couldn't- hit him repeatedly.  At least, that was
the theory.

She was so tired of hitting Ranma though...

Then an idea hit her, one that she knew she should have thought of long
ago.  It felt strangely right too, yes it would work.  Akane stood up,
new determination on her face.  -SHE- would have that letter, take it
from Ranma and then all the problems would be solved once and for all...

---

Akane opened the door to Ranma's room, though it really was unneccesary
since the door was the only portion of the wall left standing.  As she
entered she blinked, she hadn't bothered looking at the inside of the
room until now and the sight which greeted her caused her eyes to
bulge.  Apparently things had been snowballing for the last while.

You see, at the moment the room, and the roof outside and a good part of
the yard, was almost filled with people.  Ranma-chan was chasing around
an unhappy looking man in some form of weird Chinese armor with long
white hair and a purple streak in the front.  He kind of reminded Akane
of that Princess Herb of the Musk dynasty... the two servants where
there as well, yelling something about breasts and pointing at Shampoo
and every other girl in the area.  Which included Kodachi chasing after
Ranma with murder in her eyes, Ukyou who was trying to take the letter
out of Ranma's grasp, Rouge who was saying something about Lime and Mint
being rude and threatening them, Mariko chanting the name of Mousse, who
she had apparently decided to glom to for some unknown reason, Pink and
Link where there as well, trying to take revenge on Shampoo again by
tossing around "Confusion vine" seeds.  Pantyhose Tarou stood in the
corner snicker and making insulting comments towards Ranma who ignored
him in her pursuit of the male-Musk Dynasty lord.  Ryuu Kumon stood
outside, threatening Ryouga and saying something about "Why on earth did
I ask -you- for directions!"  Piccollette Chardin and Genma were having
an eating contest, Akane couldn't tell -who- was winning that match
however, but apparently Genma was learning these new techniques with
energy she hadn't seen in him since... since ever really.  Shinnosuke
wandered around outside leading Kiima and her two servants, saying "I
remember clearly, the Water of Life is this way" while all three guided
bird-people sported sweat drops.  Soun wailed something
incomprehensible, probably having to do with the rapid destruction of
his home.  Mrs.  Hinako did her best to comfort him, which was good
since she would occasionally look about and with a cry of "delinquents"
raise her coin, only to have Soun's renewed sobbing distract her. 
Kasumi walked calmly among the chaos, offering everyone tea, Nabiki
looked on from out her window with a bored "What else is new"
expression.  Principal Kuno, who had apparently come in search of his
children, was trying to cut off Herb's hair without much success.  The
Principal's son was spouting poetry while attempting to smite Happousai,
who was too distracted by all the "pretty ladies" to notice.  Mikado was
unconscious.  (There -you- try to fit more series cameos in one
paragraph!)

Akane gripped the doorknob to keep from falling over, finally she worked
up her strength again and stalked over to Ranma.  Unlike Ukyou, Akane
didn't care about hurting Ranma in the process of relieving him of the
letter.  So one well-placed clothesline and Ranma-chan fell over,
dropping the letter.  Quickly Akane snatched it, but the guy-turned
girls hand snatched the other edge.  Akane -looked- at Ranma, who
grimaced but held on.

"I can't let you do that Akane," Ranma-chan said.

"Why not?  So you can have -him-."  Akane pointed at Herb with her free
hand.  But Herb was already running out the door, followed by his two
disappointed (and badly beaten after Rouge finally jumped in the koi
pond) servants.  Rouge had flown off and it appeared as if the majority
of other people had been kicked into the stratosphere, wandered off or
otherwise escaped the immediate area, leaving only the usual Nerimites
(minus Ryouga, who had last been seen apologizing to Ryuu and leading
him off in the -real- direction of Osaka.

"What are you talking about?"  Ranma-chan said in curiosity.

Akane sighed, Ranma was back to normal, well, that would make this
easier.  "Never mind," she replied, "I'll take the letter Ranma.  Trust
me."

Ranma's eyes widened, his breath came in short gasps.  "Akane..."

"This is the right thing to do, we can't go on like this forever. 
Sooner or latter one of us have to give."

"No Akane... not like this..."

"It's the best way."  Akane said grimly.

"But you'll be giving your LIFE away!  I can't let you do that for me. 
I mean, sure I'm sexy and all that but Akane please..."

Akane hit her.  Hard.

"Ranma no BAKA!"  She grabbed the girls by the collar with her free
hand, "I never meant -that-.  You're a GIRL you idiot, if I take it from
you now the magic won't affect me!"

"Ohhhh..."  Ranma said in sudden comprehension.

"That's right," Ukyou said smacking a fist into her palm, "I never
thought of that..."

"Aiya!"  Shampoo said, "That much smart for stupid violent-girl."

"WHO are you calling violent!"  Akane waved Ranma threateningly at the
Amazon.

"Calling you."

"Ladies please," Kuno said stepping forward, "I can not let your bitter
rivalry for my affection tear you apart so!"

"Who said we were fighting over you," Ranma said in a flat tone
accompanied by a suitably flat look.

"Allow me to remove the object of your struggle!"  Kuno snatched the
letter away from their outstretched hands, "For truly" he began to read
it "it was an idea of bad design to attempt to chose one of you."  He
finished reading "For it is obvious I must have you both!"  He leaped at
them with open arms.  "Come to me my loves!"

Kuno returned home via Nerima special airmail.

"He didn't change a bit," Ranma said.

"What did you expect?"  Ukyou murmured, " I guess it will be as safe
with him as anywhere."

Shampoo agreed, then left with Cologne, who said they had to get sleep
so the restaurant could open in the morning.  Ukyou gave one last
goodbye to Ranma and then was off herself.  Despite the damage to the
house and surrounding yard, it appeared as if nothing had changed.

"Well," Akane said.

"Right," Ranma added looking anywhere but at Akane.  The he noticed the
burst hot water main and walked over.  Glad to be able to get back out
of his female form once more.  As soon as he emerged from the water as a
male once more and moved to turn off the main it happened!

Ranma was too caught up in contemplating certain things which had
happened this night to notice it, so he was unable to defend himself. 
Mikado struck with unerring accuracy, his foot managing to drive Ranma's
head against the wall and knock the martial artist senseless.  Mikado
laughed as Ranma fell to the ground and then lifting his object of
vengeance above Ranma, he drove it towards the barely congnizant boys
face.

Akane gasped as the red ran across Ranma's face, unable to believe it. 
Mikado stood back, cackling wildly and holding up the object of his
divine vengeance with a triumphant pose.  Soon however he regained his
senses.

"Vengeance is mine Saotome," Mikado smirked.

Ranma beat him into a bloody pulp and threw him across the sky.  He
glared after Mikado, the giant red "BAKA" written across his face in red
ink scrunching up as his face pinched in anger.  The marker that had
done it rolled about on the ground.

Akane laughed her lungs out for a few minutes as Ranma fumed.  In the
corner Soun was sobbing about the destruction of his house.  Genma came
up to him (in human form) and patted his friend on the back.

"Cheer up Tendo-kun", Genma said.

"WAAAAAAAAHHH!  My house!"

"It could be worse."

"How Saotome!  HOW could it be worse."

*CRACK*BOOM*

"Ohh Ranma-sama, before I leave I bought this ring from a shop keeper!" 
Kodachi bounced over, "It was supposed to be the creators' wedding
ring!  Put it on Ranma-sama!  OHOHOHOHHOHOHOH!"

Akane hit her head against the wall, and by bizarre coincidence that was
all that was needed to cause a final collapse.  The entire dojo began to
come down with a strange rumbling sound...

"WE'RE BACK WHERE WE STARTED!"  Ryuu yelled as he and Ryouga exited the
bathroom.

"I hate my life..."  Ranma offered to no one in particular as Sentarou
burst in through the gate on his horse.


THE END


----------------- 

Epsilon

Death Lord of the Sith


drew's endnote (with apologies to Epsilon for sticking it here ^_^): It
has been a great pleasure to work with all of the authors in creating
this series.  I hope you have enjoyed reading this series as much as we
have enjoyed working on it.  I'd just like to thank all of the authors
for partcipating- you guys were great.  This has been a lot of fun and
I'd love to work with you all again.  Please feel free to contact any of
the authors who have written to tell them what you thought.  Links to
their pages can be found from my fanfic page.  Thanks again to all and
have a great day.

drew 
gambatte ne