Chapter 5: Chez Battle Royale
                  or
        It's Friday, I'm in Hell


This portion brought to you by: The Eternal Lost Lurker


(Scene: Chez Garcon. Tendou Souun is looking around in panic, for chaos
is about to ensue. The Frenchman Piccolette is under his table. Akane is
staring, almost...heartbroken?...at Ranma and Ukyou. Shampoo is glaring
at Mousse, who is holding
a very angry Sanzenin Mikado on the end of a makeshift fishing rod.
Ryouga has his umbrella out and is about to charge Ranma.)

Souun: (breaks down crying) Why me? Whyyyyy meeee?

Ukyou: Great...just great.

Ranma: Aw, man, why does this always have to happen?

Ryouga: Ranma...! I don't know what you did to Akane, but you're gonna
regret doing it!

Shampoo: Mousse stupid! Need leave well enough alone!

Mousse: (glasses on forehead, squinting at Mikado) Shampoo?

Mikado: Yes, and I use conditioner as well.

Mousse: Conditioner!? But she's...almost half as old as Cologne...
(shudders)

Akane: Ranma-chan! Mickey-chan! Oh, who do I choose? 

Elderly voice: How's 'bout choosing me, cutie-pie?

(Happousai glomps Akane's chest. Akane shrieks.)

Akane: Eeek! Hentai! (pulls Happousai off her and throws him out the
door. We notice a piece of yellowed parchment in Happousai's hand.)

(Suddenly, Akane blinks several times, and looks around confusedly.)

Akane: What...where am I? I was...and now I'm....oooh, I'm getting tired
of this.

(Akane suddenly notices Ranma and Ukyou standing near each other, and
growls.)

Akane: Ranma....you....you PERVERT!!! (pulls a mallet out of hammerspace
and charges Ranma.)

Souun: (waving Rising Sun fans) Yes! That's the spirit Akane! Assert
your claim on your iinazuke!

Shampoo: No! Akane no have Ranma! Ranma Shampoo husband! (pulls out
bonbori)

Mousse: (hearing this) Saotome...you filthy lecher! I won't let you have
my darling Shampoo! (drops Mikado and throws a bunch of chains...at
Souun.)

Mikado: Oww....alright, you....that does it! (stands up and prepares to
issue a skating challenge, but gets hit by a stray potty trainer and
goes down for the count.)

(Meanwhile, in an alleyway across the street...)

Happousai: Ooooh...my head...(looks at the letter in his hands, his eyes
glaze over) Oh, Akane...my sweet, sweet Akane...

(insane laughter erupts from above, enter Kodachi)

Kodachi: Ohohohohohohoho! Do my ears deceive me? Has the Tendou wench
truly abandoned her pursuit of my darling Ranma-sama to give herself to
this shriveled oldster? (uses a ribbon to snatch the letter.)

(Happousai's eyes glaze, and he leans against the wall, looking
confused. Kodachi reads the letter, and her eyes glaze over. She
suddenly stuffs the letter down her leotard, and snags Happousai with
her ribbon.) 

Kodachi: My love!!!!!

Happousai: Eh? What? What's the big idea...(gets a look at Kodachi)
Sweeto! (nestles his head between her breasts. Laughing insanely,
Kodachi bounds away into the night, Happousai glomped firmly to her
bosom.)

Meanwhile, inside the restaurant...

(Mikado is unconscious. Mousse is attacking fleeing customers, cursing
loudly in Mandarin. Shampoo and Akane are glaring at each other,
respective weapons held aloft. Ryouga is charging Ranma. Souun, wrapped
in chains like a mummy, is flooding Piccolette's table, under which the
Frenchman is still cowering.)

Ranma: Oh man, I do *not* believe this...

(Ryouga charges Ranma, who leaps out of the way, springing off Ryouga's
head with one foot. He lands near a table. Seeing the tablecloth, he
gets an idea. Ryouga, meanwhile, snarls and charges again. Ranma rips
the tablecloth from the table, and throws it over Ryouga's head as he
rushes in. Ryouga mutters some curses as he tries to get the thing off
his head. Ranma steers him toward the door, and shoves him out of the
restaurant.)

Ranma: There, that oughtta take care of him. By the time he gets that
tablecloth off his head he'll be halfway to Osaka.

(Mousse is still casting about, trying to attack Ranma. He manages to
knock over a table, sending a pitcher of ice water flying straight at
him. Instant duck.)

Meanwhile...

Akane: Grrr...stupid Amazon bimbo!

Shampoo: Crazy violent tomboy! Leave Ranma for Shampoo! 

Akane: Who says I *want* that pervert?

(As the two go at it, Ukyou sighs, picks up a glass of water, and uses
her spatula to send it flying at Shampoo. Instant cat.)

(Ranma sees Shampoo-neko and screams. He begins running around the
restraunt, stepping on Mousse-duck and Mikado several times in the
process. He manages to knock the mummified Souun over, then crashes
through a window, Shampoo-neko in hot pursuit.)

(Akane and Ukyou look around at the chaos, and sigh.)

Ukyou: Just another day in Nerima...

Akane: .....

(Both leave the restaurant.)

Souun: Hey! Someone help me! Waaaaaaaa.....!!!!!!!

(Meanwhole, across town...)


Kodachi: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Happousai: Sweeto!

(A sudden wind blasts the two. A piece of yellow parchment blows from
Kodachi's leotard. Kodachi stops, blinks, then notices the pervert
attached to her.)

Kodachi: Why....you....

(Suffice it to say, what follows is not pretty.)

(Near Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-ya...)

(A mailbox sighs.)

Tsubasa, in the mailbox: (thinking) Ukyou-sama...how can I ever make you
see how much I love you? Why do you refuse to return my love? I need a
plan...a way to show you how I feel....

(Kunou is walking down the street.

Kunou: Ever that plans must be made, when yet plans come undone, for the
want of...(frowns) Curse that wretched sorceror Saotome. By now he has
certainly procured the power of the letter for his own twisted ends and
used it to cement his hold on the beauteous Akane...or on the spirited
pigtailed girl...

(a familiar piece of parchment smacks him in the face.)

Kunou: Eh? What's this...ahhh! It's the Love Letter! As predicted by the
esteemed merchant, it does indeed make its return appearance! At last I
might have the love of Tendou Akane...or the pigrailed one! (shouts)
SASUKE!!!

Sasuke: (appearing out of nowhere) Yes, Master Kunou?

Kunou: (retrieving and envelope and an inkstone) You will mail this
letter for me! (addresses it to Tendou Akane or the Pigtailed Goddess
and hands it to Sasuke)

Sasuke: (blinks) Not again...?

Kunou: DO AS I SAY CRETIN!

Sasuke: Yes, Masteer Kunou!

(Sasuke takes the letter and puts it in a nearby mailbox.)

Kunou: And now, my loves, whichever of you shall receive the symbol of
my unending devotion, the time for you to reveal your true feelings is
close at hand...

(Inside the mailbox, Tsubasa looks at the offending envelope, shrugs,
and opens it. He reads it, and smiles.)

Tsubasa: This gives me a great idea. This is such a beautiful love
letter...surely if I gave it to Ukyou-sama, she'd fall hopelessly in
love with me! (Tsubasa gets another envelope, addresses it to Ukyou,
puts the love letter in it, and puts it in a
real mailbox.)


To be continued...


Saraba da,

The Eternal Lost Lurker