TYPIST'S FORWARD:
Mind you, one and all, this one ISN'T mine--my friend Kenny Blackwell,
for whom I'm doing the artwork on a comic book called "Clan Justice," had
this fanfic idea but no way to post it, having no e-mail address and irregular
net access. Kindly soul that I am, I decided to post this for him, from the
origional text he gave me, and will pass on any C+C. Konstructive Kriticism
only, Comrades--flames VILL be sent to KGB hedquarters. Und now, on with
Glorious Proletarian People's Fanfic.
KENNY'S FORWARD:
Greetings and salutations, boys and girls! Here's the situation: while
I was in-between working on what was supposed to be my first fanfic, I get
an idea for ANOTHER fanfic! This one's a short story; a crossover starring
Ranma 1/2's Kuonji Ukyou and one of my own characters. . .a calm, cool,
collected screwball named Troublemaker.
This tales rated FF-PG for comedic violence and mild language.
Poor, poor
Ukyou is & Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan, Inc. Used solely for nonprofit and
not intended as an infringement of copyright. Troublemaker is & Kenny
Blackwell. And this is my first official fan-fic, so please be kind. . .or
else Troublemaker will visit YOU next!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
And now for our feature presentation. . .
Scream At Your Own Avacados,
You Laughing Poodle-Tossing
Fruit Bat Stapler Gun!
By
Kenny Blackwell
Morning rose over Nerima, Japan like on any other day. And just like on
any other day, Uu-chan's opened for business.
Kuonji Ukyou was happily cooking up some okonomiyaki for her customers.
<Yeah, life is good,> Ukyou thought. <If only Ran-chan would go out on a date
with me. . .life would be better, then. Ah, well. Right now, I'm so happy,
I'll be content with being his friend, for now. Yeah. . .nothing could possibly
ruin my day today.>
As if on cue, a young man entered the resteraunt. He was waring a black
bodysuit, with tan knee-pads and a belt bearing a red-circular symbol with a
balance in black. He was also waring a T-shirt with the phrase "DO I SCARE YOU?"
on the front, and a grey duster. He was smiling blankly with a left purple eye
and a right gold eye, and long, wild green hair.
<Great. . .> Ukyou thought unenthusiasticlly. <Marilyn Manson just
entered
my resteraunt. What a treat.> The strange man was looking around aimlessly,
as if he was lost. . .in more ways then one. Ukyou sighed. <Better announce
myself, I guess.>
"Ohayoo gozaimasu!" Ukyou cheerfully said. "Welcome to Uu-chans! How may
I help you?" The man swerved around directly at Ukyou, smiling insanely.
"I AM CORNHOLI--TROUBLEMAKER!!" he shouted. "I require your finest men.
WE'RE GOING ON A TREASURE HUNT!!"
Ukyou cocked an eyebrow. "What. . .?"
"I'm searching for my mind. See, I've LOST IT!!!" Troublemaker
threw back
his head, laughing insanely. Suddenly, he became calm, looking back at Ukyou
with a warm smile. "Do you have any soup?"
"Uh. . .well. . ." Ukyou stammerd. "Yeah, I can--"
"REALLY?" Troublemaker got up in Ukyou's face. "You really really REALLY
have soup? Oh, I'm so HAPPY!!" He then turned around, facing the customers.
"HEY, EVERYONE! I'M HAVING SOUP TODAY!!!"
"Don't do that. . ." Ukyou told Troublemaker. "At least have the
courtesy--"
"I like cheese," Troublemaker said abruptly.
Ukyou blinked twice. <Who IS this nut?>
Troublemaker turned towards Ukyou. "You've got a SPATULA on your back,
don'cha?"
"Uh. . .yeah. . .I do. . ."
"Ain't seen one that big! You know, I like spatulas! But when they
start
hitting me with fresh tuna, then I must kick!!"
Ukyou stepped back, blinking three times. "What the hell are you talking
about?"
"Turnips. . .TURNIPS!! TURNIPS, DAMMIT!!" Again, Troublemaker
shrieked with
laughter.
"Look, I don't know what your problem is, and I don't really care,"
Ukyou
said, getting annoyed by Troublemaker's antics. "I'm going to have to ask you
to leave."
"I can't do that," said Troublemaker gleefully.
"And. . .why not?" asked Ukyou.
"I've. . .CRAZY-GLUED my FEET to the FLOOR!!!"
"You wha. . .? You have not!"
"I HAVE TOO!! Watch!" Troublemaker began swaying backwards. . .then
forewards. . .to the left. . .then to the right. . .in physics-defying
fashion. All Ukyou could do was stand behind the counter, a dumbstruck
look on her face as Troublemaker continued swaying about like an inflatable
punching bag, making race car sounds with a stupifying smile on his face.
Ukyou then looked towards her customers. . .or rather, what was left of
them; most of them quickly left Uu-chan's just to avoid Troublemaker.
"Hey, you jackass!" she shouted, but fell short of words when she saw a
donkey dresed up in Troublemaker's cloths, the message on his T-shirt now
saying "HEE-HAW KICKS ASS!"
"Who?" the donkey said. "Me?"
"Ah. . .Yes, you!!" said Ukyou in a raised voice. "You're chasing away
all my customers!! You better get outta here! NOW!!"
"Ohh, really. . .?" Troublemaker was once more a human, with his T-shirt
now saying "ARE YOU EATING ENOUGH FIBER?" "Well, what if the pink snow
bunnies come after me? WHAT IF THEY START BODYSLAMMING ME WHILE DENNIS
RODMAN, IN ONE OF HIS LOVELY GOWNS, WATCHES ON WITH 'HOLLYWOOD' HULK HOGAN
AT HIS SIDE???"
Ukyou grimaced. "Go. Away. Now."
"Why?"
"Because you're scaring off my customers."
"Why?"
"GET THE HELL OUTTA MY RESTERAUNT!!!" Ukyou, in one fluid motion, leapt
over the counter, pulled out her battle spatula, and swatted Troublemaker
through the roof and into the clouds.
"Why?"
Ukyou stopped herself. Turning around, she was stunned to see
Troublemaker
standing behind her.
"How. . .how did. . .did you. . ." she stuttered.
"My stunt double, Jimmy," he said proudly. "His name's Jimmy!"
Ukyou was starting to get a headache.
"Look. . .Troublemaker. . .I'll pay you money if you just get the HELL
away from me! Go annoy someone who deserves it. . .like Happosai or
Tsubasa. . ."
"But I can't! They're not on my list!!"
"What??"
"See?" Troublemaker pulled out a clipbord from his duster and showed her
"the list." Sure enough, there was her name. . ."Kuonji Ukyou". . .right
after "MORISATO KEIICHI" and before "QUEEN BERYL."
<I can't believe this is happening to me,> Ukyou dreaded. <I gotta find
some way outta this!>
"Okay. . .listen. . .is there ANY way to get outta this?" asked Ukyou.
"Mmmmmmmaybeeee," Troublemaker said.
"All right. . .what?"
"Hit me repeatedly in the head with your spatula!"
"Tha. . .that's it? That's all?"
"Yes! I must be knocked even sillier then normal!! Use the Force, Ukyou!
Excessive Force!!!"
"Oh,kay!" Ukyou began striking Troublemaker in the head, over and over
again while Troublemaker laughed insanely. The constant clanging noises her
battle spatula made while bludgeoning him unnerved Ukyou's remaining customers
as they hastily left Uu-chan's.
"CLANG!"
"CLANG!"
"CLANG!"
"CLANG!"
"CLANG!!"
"CLANG!!"
"CLANG!!"
"CLANG!!"
Several minutes had passed, and Ukyou's arms were aching, eventually
ceasing their pummeling of Troublemaker's head. Surprisingly, Troublemaker
was uninjured, still smiling insanely.
"Mommy?" he said. "You hit with the thing. . .brain ringing with the
HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?? Hey, I got bacon!" Troublemaker whipped P-chan out
of his duster as his T-Shirt now read "NOW WITH RIBOFLAVIN!"
"Bwwwweeeeee! Bwwwweeeeee!" P-chan squealed in protest.
"Will you PLEASE go now??" Ukyou as Troublemaker tossed P-chan out the
window. "I've smacked you so many times with my spatula I've lost count.
Are you knocked silly YET?"
"Maybe. . .or maybe I've decided to STAY!!" Troublemaker gleamed.
"Oh, God, no!" protested Ukyou.
"YES!! I must!! For the good of the Republic! I must stay! For the evil
potgatoes who live only to deep fry my pet Pomeranians must be spared!! For
I am--"
"Ohayo!" Shiratori Azusa walked in, cheerfully waving at
Troublemaker and
Ukyou. "What's going on?"
Troublemaker just stood, eyes bugged out in utter horror as he
stared at a
confused Azusa, his T-shirt reading "MAKE IT STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE
THE CUTENESS STOP!!"
"No. . .NO!" Troublemaker muttered, then threw his head back.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--"
Hair-line fractures formed around Troublmaker. Suddenly, he exploded,
shattering into several dozen pieces of stone.
For a moment, Azusa and Ukyou were absolutly dumbfounded at what just
transpired. Finally, Azusa spoke up.
"What. . .just happened?"
"You just saved me from a fate worth then death!" Ukyou exclaimed.
Jumping
over the counter, she pulled from the oven a fresh okonomiyaki. "Here. . .one
okonomiyaki, on the house!"
"Ohh. . .it's so cute!!" Azusa rushed over and snatched the okonomiyaki
away. "Oh, Jean-Luc!"
Outside Uu-chan's, Troublemaker, completely reforemed, staggered about.
"Make it so, Number. . .One. . ." he mumbled incoherently.
". . .en. . .gage!"
Troublemaker fell over with a resounding thud, twitching spasticlly.
THE END
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
Yeah, you knew this fanfic was gonna be odd, just by reading the title.
Don't blame me if you've lost your minds reading it. Blame Troublemaker.
Everyone else does.
Just WHAT do you think about Troublemaker? It he nuts? Or just
misunderstood?
Let me know, 'kay?
Salutations. . .
Kenny Blackwell