This is a Fushigi fic where basically, Tamahome doesn't come into Miaka's
world, in any form- ie, they had to split up- no Taka, no Tamahome in the
real world, and no Majin, either ^_^;; C&C PLEASE...

Always, Forever: By Monica Shin

        We were ascending together, he and I, burning in the holy flames.
But he started to fade away from my grasp, leaving me alone. Of course, he
wasn't real, so it made sense... I had expected this to happen. After all,
everyone had warned me that this would happen, told me that we couldn't be
together. So why did it hurt so much? He rose up from my embrace, going back
to where his life really was, until all I could hear was his voice. That
warm, sweet, kind voice, which had always whispered such wondrous words of
love to me- even that was abandoning me...

        "Miaka... Forget me... Please be happy..." Only that, and he was
gone, and I was left alone, kneeling on the pavement street. In the school
uniform that should have been destroyed, burned by the flames, I knelt with
only the Shijin Tenshou in front of me. All the terrible damage from the
conflict was gone, and it was as if none of it had happened, as if all the
people who had lived and sacrificed for my happiness had never been...

        I laughed bitterly as I knelt on that warm concrete. I told myself
that I was an idiot- of course they had never existed. They were only
characters in a book. Meaningless letters in an old, moldy scroll.... That's
all they can be. That's all they must be, or else I would go mad... As my
brother came up to me, concern on his face, I tried to smile, seem normal. 

        I assured him, crying the tears he seemed to expect, while inside of
my heart, I could only hear his voice. How could he expect me to be happy
without him? Forgetting... sounded good. If only so that this tearing at my
heart would cease... I looked up, and saw Yui-chan on Tetsuya-san's back,
asleep. I was glad that she was all right, at the very least...

        Now that I wasn't in the book anymore, my normal life went on. I got
accepted to Yotsuba Academy with Yui-chan, and we went on existing... no,
that's not right. I went on existing, while Yui-chan lived. In the time that
she needed a friendly heart and voice the most, Tetsuya-san was there for
her. He knew all that she had done, all that she had gone through, and still
loved her. What could she be but happy?

        Eventually, everyone thought that I had gotten over it, everyone who
knew anything. My brother, Tetsuya-san and Yui-chan... all of them were
stronger for having had their brush with the other world, and they had used
all the courage and power they had found in their own lives, while I... I
existed. 

        Not to say that I didn't seem to be happy- I seemed to be the
cheerful, hungry Miaka that everyone had known. I was, in a way. After all,
my body was in my world. How could I be anything but the person I had been?
So I laughed with my friends, joked with my brother, listened to my mother
and father. A normal high school girl- that's what I was... that's what
everyone thought I was. 

        No one knew about the tears I fought against every night. No one
knew of the pain in my heart so great that it seemed as if it would burst.
No one knew of the days when I would decided that I couldn't... only the
fact that everyone had sacrificed so much stopped me from... I would always
take a deeper breath, and try to lose myself in studying, or in eating, or
whatever else I could think of. 

        Somehow, all the gossip my friends shared with me about this boy, or
that singer- it just never touched me. Even though I knew that the person I
always thought of was just a dream at best, he was still the one I compared
every other person to. The memories of his courage, his strength, his
love... it always made me draw back, shy away from any kind of relationship.

        I suppose it was odd that a genki girl like me didn't have a
boyfriend, but... I couldn't even contemplate such a thing. Betraying a love
that could never be matched... how could I? So I sat in the background,
smiling as usual while my friends screamed and moaned over the latest pop
idol. I had had what they were all looking for, and had let it go...

        In the second year of high school, something changed. The memories
became dimmer and dimmer, and I felt myself becoming more distant from that
perfect, desperate love. All of it was just pretend, right? Even though I
had those pictures, and Yui-chan had that earring... none of it really had
happened. Or if it had, it was now so far gone and away- why should I let it
interfere with my life?

        But even while saying such things to myself, I couldn't get myself
interested in anyone. Even though his last words had made a place in my
heart- that I should forget, go on, I couldn't. Until I met him. He had just
moved, and had become part of my class after the summer break, . From the
giggles that followed him wherever he went, I gathered he was becoming popular. 

        Just two days after school had started up, he came up to me rather
diffidently during lunch time, and asked quietly, "Yuuki-san, do you have
history notes I can borrow?" I looked up at him, surprised, and replied, "Of
course, ahh..." I had been daydreaming in class the day he had been
introduced, so I didn't know his name. He smiled a little, and then supplied
it for me. "Onidake Tama desu. Hajimemashite."

        I gasped a little, and dropped my pen. My friends, who had moved
away to give us some "privacy", gave me odd looks, which I waved away. I
busied myself in trying to find my pen, hoping that I could control my
reaction before I faced him again. Finding it next to me on the floor, I put
it on my desk and looked up at him again, calmer this time. 

        Tama gave me an embarrassed look. "I know that it's cat's name, but
my mother had wanted to name me it, and my father never could resist her
when she wants something... but it's spelled like sphere, so..." He trailed
off, and smiled at me again. I handed my notes to him, and nodded in return
as he thanked me. As I saw him walk back to his own seat, I couldn't shake
the odd feeling of deja-vu.

        During the rest of the day, I studied him. He didn't really look
like Tamahome. He looked like a normal boy, with black hair cut short and
dressed in the school uniform. I had to admit he was cute, but he didn't
really seem to be anything special. I forced my eyes back onto the page,
only to find they kept wandering back to him again...

        As I walked home with some of my friends, they started to giggle and
asked me how interested I was in Onidake-kun. I wasn't, of course, but they
didn't believe me- after all, how could I say that I had been trying to see
if he was anything like my imaginary love from inside a book? Then,
giggling, they all ran off together. As I was wondering why, Yuko winked at
me, and told me, "Good luck, Miaka-chan!"

        I looked ahead, and saw who they had seen. It was that boy, who had
been waiting by the street corner, bag in hand. When he saw I was alone, he
came up to me and gave me back my notes. I nodded, and turned to go, but he
managed to get in front of me. Grinning, he asked me, "Yuuki-san, would you
like to get a cup of tea with me?" I looked at him for a moment, and then
nodded. After all, how else was I going to find out why he kept bothering me
like this?

        We went to a nearby cafe, and sat down. He opened his hands
expansively, and told me, "Order all that you want, Yuuki-san. It's on me."
I gave him a look, and then turned to the waiter and ordered six different
items from the menu. The waiter gave Tama a questioning look, to which Tama
nodded grandly. He ordered a cup of coffee for himself, and smiled as he
watched me eat.

        "Yuuki-san, I'd heard about your appetite... but I suppose seeing is
believing." I finished off the last plate, before giving him a frank look.
"Onidake-san, why are you following me around like this? You could have
given me my notes tomorrow..." He stared at me for a moment, before shaking
his head. He collapsed against the cafe chair, almost making it topple over.

        "Ah... Onidake-sa-" He launched himself into a sitting position,
resting his arms against the cafe table. "Yuuki-san... I just can't believe
it. All the guys were right!" I backed away from the rather erratic boy,
moving my seat carefully away. "Ah-" He gave me a vehement look. "Didn't it
occur to you that perhaps I wanted to see you because you're a very pretty
young lady?"

        I blushed a little, and then couldn't help laughing at his
absolutely earnest expression. "Onidake-san, please! Just tell me why-" He
shook his head mournfully, his face a grief-stricken mask. "Yuuki-san... the
guys told me that you weren't into dating, that you held yourself away...
everyone thinks that you're cute, but no one is willing to ask you because
they think you'll say no."

        Grasping my hand, he smiled at me. "Please don't say no- I'm asking
you if you want to go to the movies with me tomorrow." He took one of his
hands from mine, and then held up a pair of tickets. "Here's the latest
action flick, or-" He got another two tickets from his other pocket. "A
romance, if you'd like." 

        I sat there, dumbfounded. Slowly, I took my hand away, and asked
quietly, "Are you always like this, Onidake-san?" He grinned at me, but then
his face turned serious. He nodded deliberately, and taking my hand again,
replied, "Only when such a lovely young lady is my target..." I found myself
blushing again, and felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. 

        Happiness. Not cheerful, everyday sorts of joy, but happiness of
being part of a couple, of being one of two. Not since... I felt my caution
go to the winds as I nodded. "All right, Onidake-san. Let's go see that-" I
took the tickets to the action film and put it in my bag. "Romantic movie."
I laughed as his expression deflated a bit, and then watched as he paid the
bill unflinchingly. 

        As we walked out of the cafe, I asked, "Aren't you concerned about
money?" He shook his head, and replied, "Money is just money. What is that,
compared to the company of a lovely girl such as yourself?" I smiled, but as
I did so, felt something fade. Something inside of me whispered about
wrongness, how this was not my stingy Tamahome... of course, I knew that... 

        But... I hadn't been this entertained in a long time. I realized
just how long I'd been walking around like a zombie, like a half-person, and
then saw who had taken me out of that, and I smiled. Looking into myself, I
promised Tamahome that I would truly try to be happy now, and maybe...
perhaps I could.

        I dated Tama for the year and a half we had remaining in High
School, and continued to see him during university. I was overjoyed when he
transferred to my college during the second year, and couldn't help laughing
as he melodramatically proclaimed that without me, he couldn't even begin to
study...

        Yui-chan and I saw each other regularly, and I was happy to see that
she and Tetsuya-san were getting together so well. One day, she came up to
me with a joyous expression on her face, and just held up her right hand. On
the fourth finger, someone had placed a ring... I screamed out "Yui-chan!"
in shock and joy as she and I jumped around the room.

        When I mentioned Yui's upcoming nuptials to Tama while we were
having dinner at his apartment, I noticed that he turned very still and
quiet. Finally, when I asked what was wrong, he smiled down at me, and got
on one knee. Before I knew it, he had a ring box open in front of me, and
was asking me to marry him. I looked at the beautiful band facing me, and
started to cry before I hugged him tightly.

        How was he to know that those tears were so mixed? I was deliriously
happy... and I was so sad that my heart felt as if pierced with a thousands
sharp thorns. In my mind, I kept yelling out Tamahome, but all I heard was
my own lips whisper, "Tama... of course..." Those words rang in my soul, as
Tama lifted me up in his arms and swung me around. 

        Tama put me down gently, and then hugged me. "Miaka, I promise that
I'll make you the happiest bride in the world..." I nodded, suddenly so
choked up I couldn't speak, and let his embrace catch all my tears.
Tamahome... Tamahome... where are you? My old, plaintive question from when
I used to cry myself to sleep every night rang in my ears, even while I felt
this huge, awesome joy.

        Yui-chan and I planned our wedding together- it was only right. She
and I became lost in the whirlwind of preparations, having to decide what
kind of wedding to have, who to invite, what to wear... even while we
laughed and argued over all of these choices, I couldn't help feel something
was off...

        One day, Yui looked at my fingers while I was ranting on about the
kind of music we were going to have, and stopped me from saying anything.
She sat down, and pulled me down with her. Quietly, she asked, "Miaka...
what's that on your left hand?" I looked at it, and saw what she'd seen.
Tamahome's wedding ring... our promise. I stared at that for a moment, not
noticing the tears that slipped out until Yui wiped them off of my cheek. 

        "Miaka... I hadn't realized you still-" I waved her off, and stood
up. In a shaky voice, I told her, "Don't worry about it, Yui-chan. I'll take
it off before the wedding- I promise. It's just..." I smiled out at the
bright light coming in from Yui's apartment window, and as the sun streamed
down on me, I felt the little power I still had- being a mundane who had
once represented a god- come out of me. It crowned me in a aura of red fire
and gave me the strength that I needed...

        Slowly, I turned to her and held out my arms. Closing my eyes, I
felt all of the fears that I had had disappear into the light, and let
myself say the words that felt so right. "Yui-chan... Tamahome told me to be
happy, to forget. I can't forget, but I will be happy with Tama. All right?"
She nodded once, slowly, and let her hand wander to the blue earring she
still had in her ear. 

        Smiling at me sadly, she replied, "I know... we can't ever forget
them, can we?" I nodded, and we sat there together, recalling all the
enormous things that had happened to us years ago. Finally, she held my
hand, and grinned. "But we should forget them for a little bit and finish
organizing, right?" I leapt up, laughing, now knowing that it was right,
what I was doing. Tamahome would want this for me...

        The wedding was beautiful. We had decided to have a western ceremony
for our friends, and then a formal Japanese one for our families. Smiling as
we both went down together, Yui and I met our two grooms with joy in our
hearts. There were too many speeches and almost too much wine, but everyone
had a wonderful time. During the reception, my gaze kept wandering to my
left hand, which now bore a heavier burden. The ring that Tamahome had given
me so long ago was now on a chain, nestled next to my heart... 

        I can never forget. But I think I can be happy...

--

        "Miaka, what are you doing?" I look up at my new husband with a
smile. He comes into the honeymoon suite with a bottle of champagne, and I
put the little notebook down, onto the table besides the bed, pen inside.
"Oh, it's just a journal I started to keep a long time ago... it's my
private memory-keeper." Tama smiles, and hands me a glass of wine. Picking
it up, he starts to flip through it. "Do you mind-"

        I snatch it away from him, and seeing the shock on his face, stick
out my tongue at him. "Tama, please! It's my secret book- besides, it has
things about you in it that you probably don't want to know..." He grins,
and then jumps up onto the bed next to me, making me almost spill the glass.
Smiling, he places the book and the glasses onto the table, and then turns
to me. Gently, he moves his hand to the zipper at the back of my dress.

        I lean against him, content. He is my husband, and he is right for
me, in this world. I have no regrets about this... I just wish I could get
Tamahome's voice out of my head, as it mixes in the small murmurs Tama is
making. The 'I love you'-s are running together, and somehow, even though
everything, it's wrong-

        Tama stops zipping my dress as I start to cry softly against his
chest. Holding my chin, he forces me to look up at him, and asks quietly,
"Miaka, what's wrong?" I start to shiver as I feel the wrongness, even
through all the love, and through that wrongness, a sharp pain- I scream out
as I feel a sword pierce me through the side, and hurt rocks through me
until I'm numb and-

        "Miaka!" I hear Tama's voice distantly, and I turn my eyes toward
him. Why is he so far away? As I pull myself together, I see that I have
fallen to the ground. As I try to stand, he is there supporting me. "Miaka,
what happened? You started to cry out and then you just fell to the
floor..." I start to gasp out something, but stop as I see that the ring
that had been suspended on the chain has shattered...

        I cry out, "Tama-" and my husband is there, helping me to the bed,
except it isn't my husband I'm asking for, except it is... where is
Tamahome? Where... I look around frantically, beating my fists against this
intruder who was keeping me away from my love, but he stays besides me, a
rock that I can't move.

        "Miaka... shh... shh... calm down, love. Tell me what's wrong." I
sob against him as the pains start to recede into distant memory, and then I
realize where I am, what I've been doing. With a start, I pull away from
him, not sure what to say. "Tama... I'm sorry. I don't know-" I can't
continue speaking, because I do know what's wrong, and I can't bear to lie
to him any more...

        "Tama. Please... if... just promise me you'll read my journal." He
stares at me as I make this request. He says in a puzzled manner, "Darling,
why would I do such a thing? It's your-" I grasp at his sleeve, until he
nods. "I will, if you want me to... but why-" He is cut off as a red light
shines into the room from where the shattered pieces of Tamahome's ring are
lying on the floor. 

        From the glow, a man steps out, translucent. His braid flutters in
an unfelt breeze, and the oni character on his forehead is the same red as
the light. He watches us for a moment, and then turns. Quietly, that voice
whispers, "I'm glad, Miaka. You found happiness... I managed to get myself
killed- stupid, huh? Against a few bandits that managed to get lucky... I
got the bastards that took out Tasuki, though, so it wasn't a total loss..."

        As I stand, hands covering my mouth, he turns back to me, and
murmurs, "Be happy, Miaka. Wo ai ni..." Then, he steps back, and starts to
fade away again. Away from my life... NO! I realize that I am screaming that
denial out as I run to the light, to where he is, leaving Tama behind,
leaving it all behind because I shouldn't be here. "Tamahome- don't you even
think about leaving me behind."

        He stutters out, "Miaka..." and then steps away from me. "No. You
have a life now, in your world. You have a husband, and-" I fling myself
toward him, and notice that in the light, he is as solid as I... Burying my
face in his clothes, I mutter fiercely, "Never apart again. Do you
understand? I tried... I really did. I even found someone who I could have
loved so deeply, if I'd never met you..."

        I turn back to the man who had made me so happy all these years, and
I try to tell him all he means to me. He is still, just watching. "I still
love him. But you... Tamahome... only you. Always, forever. Did you really
think that you could go on to the next cycle without me? Do you really think
that Suzuno-san died at that exact moment because of chance? She waited for
Tatara to finish his task, before..."

        I hold onto him, and feel his embrace accept me. I look across to
Tama, to my laughing, loving joker, and I try to say something that will
make things right... but I can only say what I feel. "Tama... I love you.
But he is my other half... I'm sorry." The words are inadequate to show my
sorrow, but he nods once, tears bright in his eyes. I go back to my real
husband's embrace, and raise my lips to him.

        Kissing me, he holds me tight. I feel the divine flames carry my
soul up high, as they should have years ago. As we go off together, and I
shed my mortal body, I hear Tama's anguished cry. I am terribly selfish, I
know. But I cannot help myself, or my love. Perhaps I should call it
obsession, or total bondage, but he is me, and I am him. There is nothing I
can do but try with all my might to be with my Tamahome. I hope Tama
understands...

--

        "Baka!" I cry out as I chase that idiotic boy down the road. He is
_such_ a coward! I can't believe he's running back to his family! "Come back
here, stingy!" Running down the land that's been my second home, I stop to
greet So's parents. "I'm sorry, but do you mind if I beat up your son?" 

        So's mother laughs as she repeats what she's said every time I've
asked her that question. "Of course, Mi-chan. Just bring him back in one
piece, ne? Oh, and you will stay for dinner, right?" I nod enthusiastically,
and then go chasing after the idiot who had stuck the frog down my dress...

---Finis---
-----
Monica/Akira-chan/Heero/Hayama/Naga/Kircheis no Miko- Proud TABBE! Member
monica@pipeline.com - http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/ -fics, pics, tapes!
Loves- CLAMP, LoGH, MB, RKen, Z/B, Gundam, EVA, KoDoCha, RoV, Subby, Sieg
"Tell Annerose-sama that Sieg kept his promise..." - Kircheis-sama
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