he was in deep thought.  He had had a hard day today.  Akane stopped by
earlier and Ukyou could tell Ranma was thinking about Akane.  Knowing

thinking about her.  (dont repeat names so much, it gets silly and 
sounds akward)

what he was thinking about was a skill she had picked up while traveling
with him through China and being married to him for six months.  She
decided to let him rest a little.

picked up traveling... throughout... haveing been maried to ....
 

Ukyou continued thinking to herself as she worked.  "Back when I slapped
him, I was sure I had lost him forever.  Sure, Akane had hit him
thousands of times, but somehow, it just was different that I would hit
him.  I don't know why, but it was something that just wasn't acceptable

it just was diferent when I hit him.  (I think you should go threw 
here and make sure all of your tenses sound more natrual.)
 

Ranma started to stare at a small picture on the wall.  It was too small
for him to make out what it portrayed, but  it was something to fix his
eyes on.  He was sure Ukyou hated him when he was slapped.  "Hindsight

ukyou had hated him (remember to use past tense when remembering 
things)

is twenty-twenty, that's what they say, but then it would have been al

a long

long time before I figured that one out if it hadn't been for what
happened later that evening..."


As Ranma got home, he was greeted by Kasumi who wondered about his new

the new

marks on his face.  Akane looked up from her place in the living room to
see what her sister was looking at.  Just then, Nabiki comes in from
behind Ranma and throws her backpack on the table.

came in behind ranma and threw her backpack on the table.
yah "cap'n" you need to go threw and fix all your tenses your 
writeing memorys in present tesnse and that sounds wrong.
 

"Poor Ranma, I saw everything.  So you're still sulking about Ukyou
hitting you...you really are pathetic.  You just seem to know exactly
what to say to people Ranma."  Nabiki sarcasm bit into Ranma, but he was

nabiki's

unable to retaliate with Akane there to pick up where her older sister
had left off.

Ranma laid there on the futon for a good portion of an hour.  "I didn't

or for the better portion of an hour, (just another way of saying it 
that I like better personaly but nothing wrong with the way it is.)

couldn't understand why someone who seemed to like him had been cold to

been so cold...

him.  Ukyou never hit Ranma, well there were times she had, but never

I might say ukyou never hit me, well... (remember that if ranmas 
thinking he wouldnt think of himself as ranma but as me or I)

because of something he had said.  It was usually because he had
deserved it, not that he didn't deserve what he got this time.  As for

he deserved it

Akane, she seldom showed any sort of kindness toward him.  They hated

they had hated

each other from the start.  Even when they seemed to grow close, that
hatred was something that they were used to.  It was something
comfortable to hide behind.  But still, it was his obligation to marry
Akane.  It was something he may have gotten used to, if only she would

marry her.

tell him how she felt.  Ranma was not good at showing his feelings and

or wasnt good at

he thought Akane knew that.

was bad at expressing her feelings too, always too embarrassed to say.

say anything.

don't tell each other their deep feelings.  But they knew their spouse

I would go with they knew they were happey with each other. spouse 
seems to formal for a persons private thoughts.

was happy to be together.  They showed it in their faces and when they

maybe it showed in their faces

made love.  There were no words to express their bliss.

(This paragraph is a little awkward.  I would like some suggestions on
how to fix it please.)

remember that its ranma thinking and so try to describe things from 
his pov.
 
sorry about the abrupt end but Im out of time for more c+c This looks 
to be interesting Ryan, Ill read more later.  
as another note, I would try going for a full imertion in the memorys 
of the past so you dont have to worry so much about corect tenses and 
pov's for someones memorys. It also seems a little bit stiff and too 
orderly.  :) if  you could make the paragraphs flow from sentance to 
sentance better I think it would help a lot.   

"Shade and sweet water" Skychan

kschultz1@isd.net, skychan@hotmail.com, skywise@juno.com
http://wwwacn.cornell-iowa.edu/~KSCHULTZ/my.htm

Stories worth reading
Elfquest,  Honor Harington,  All of Mark Latus's stories 
The Circe Project }http://http.tamu.edu/~nwl9354/fanfic.html
Sailor Moon V  }http://www.ctd.nwu.edu/~aerdnahu/pt.htm
All of Richard Lawson's storys }http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/sterman/fanfic.htm