Enter the Author, a smallish man, bearded but mostly bald, wearing a
white button-front shirt, an orange tie with blue pyramids on it, and
olive-colored slacks. He has a slight gut and dark eyes.

Author:  Howdy. Before I leave for work today, I want to pass on some
comments I've gotten on my work in progress, a Ranma fanfic called "Who
is frustrating the great chefs of Europe?" I know this is
self-advertisement, but I'd rather do it now than likely wind up whining
after the fact, like I did last time, that I posted it and no one read
it. Excuse me if I duck out for a moment. One of the characters from
"Sailor Moon" just found out I never watch that show and has been
throwing energy bolts at me. Yikes!

Voice from off-camera:   ZOY!!

(energy bolt flies across the scene. Fade out.)

Author (voice-over):  Here's what the critics say. Comments appear in
large white letters across a black screen.

"What the hell is this? Get it out of my face!"  -- New York Times Book
Review

"Never since Tolstoy has there been a writer so clearly superior to the
author of 'Great Chefs.'"  -- Washington Post

"Venomous crap. A seething pile of festering detritus. Crud. Feces. Even
worse than 'Jusenkyo Revenge Committee.'"  --  Joyce Carol Oates


Author (voice-over):  Here's what the characters say. 

A drawing of each character's face appears, along with a voice-over from
the Viz. dub of the character speaking.

"This story no can be good. Shampoo not in it."  --  Shampoo

"What a great story! There a scene in which I'm buried in lacy
underwear."  -- Happosai

"It amuses me to read yet another in a long series of cooking contest
stories." -- Prince Toma the Illusionist

"Lots of food, yum yum."  -- Natsume

"This writer seems even more lost than I am."  --  Ryoga

"This is a whole story in which I don't dish up a single 'piping hot
okonomiyaki'" --   Ukyo

"At least in this one I don't have to go out with Kuno."  --  Nabiki

"Lai Chi say story good so writer help Lai Chi find new knight in
shining armor. Maybe writer even learn how to spell Lai Chi's name." 
--  Lai Chi 


Author (voice-over) :  Here's what FFML readers have to say.

(dead silence)

Author (slipping back onscreen):   Okay, so that isn't a fair question
yet. But the story seems to be coming along well, so I hope some of you
will give it a try when it is ready for posting. No, it's not just
another "Akane learns how to cook" story. It features all kinds of...

(off-screen):   ZOY!!

(Energy bolt hits the author, who is briefly suspended in mid-air, bones
glowing neon blue from the x-raying force of Zoycite's searing attack.
The author then collapses to the ground in a crisp, shaggy mass.

Author (weakly raising his head):  Well, anyway, make plans to read "Who
is frustrating the great chefs of Europe?" If you like Ranma stories,
you might like this one -- word.

DRM