ARRRGGGHH!!!!



Everytime I see some of this TSY nonsense, I feel compelled to right, er

write "real" UY fics, but on with the comentary, perhaps something can

be salvaged.



Well, the word-wrap sucks, but I've got Emacs, so it hardly matters.

Suddenly, he felt a wave of dizziness wash over him.

Um, couldn't you have some neat visual FX here?  It wouldn't cost

much. (Especially since the poor boy seems to be recursively staggering)

Eventually, he hoped to persuade

Third person is bad enough, but is this just a summary or what?!?

There's a thousand ways to show Ataru's problems with hot babes here.

Perhaps you could write in the scene where he sets out walking.

his sister...Nokoko!

I thought that Ataru's sister was Alielle?

the ninja database in his head

Random, pointless mutations of the characters.  This is definitely

TSU. (Take two clues:  RT thinks that ninjas are a great joke and part

of the humour of AM is that he ALREADY has ninja skills (see his first

fight against SM) and uses them for comedic effect)

Lum spoke to him for the first time.  "Invasion?  What invasion?"

What is she doing on Earth without the pretext of an Invasion?  (Perhaps

every fanfic should include Lum saying: "Well, all Oni are liars, cha?")

He seemed troubled, but it was hard to tell with 

Tobimaro, who behaved very much like the typical samurai.

Ton-chan is minor royalty, it's the Mendos who are samurai, right?

especially with what's been happening to my sister,

I thought he was fleeing somebody else's sister?

She looked at him with despair in her eyes.  "I'm pregnant, Ataru-kun."

At least this Ataru chose the right babe.

he had been bonded to Lum as a child,

Isn't the whole damn point to UY is that halfhearted commitments give

way when the real thing shows up?

Whole, alive...and in handcuffs.

Let me guess, due to the Quantum Jump effect(tm), this Ataru is now

cursed to hop between realities, making things worse, right?



	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb