And after much delay.....
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.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. | The Nameless Sequel
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---,-'-{@ The Nameless Sequel was composed by Mike Loader. @}-'-,---
Characters and Backstory are the products and property of the illustrious
Rumiko Takahashi (as if you didn't know). Ranma=Her's, okay? Good.
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Please do not post, publish, distribute, or adapt this fic in any way
without permission from the author.
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EPISODE 8 - One More Time Around - Finale
(Scene opens on the exterior of the Kuno mansion, late evening.
Storm clouds have gathered, and thunder crackles and roars. Some
distance away, a shaft of blue light can be seen shooting up into
the sky. We zoom into the study, where a rather pale Kuno is
dialing a number.)
Kuno: (grimly) Guten abend, Frau Blutdruck, hier sprict Herr Kuno.
Kann Ich mit der Doktor sprechen, bitte?
(The phone makes talking noises, and Kuno smiles.)
Kuno: Danke. (pauses) Doctor Van Helsing? Yes, it is Tatewaki
Kuno. I fear I have horrible news. Not only is one of the fiends
still alive, it haunts mine native land! It has dared drain the blood
of Blue Thunder!
(Split-screen to a middle aged man in a study filled with books.
He is idly sharpening a wooden stake with a machete.)
Van Helsing: (concerned) Ach, dis ist horrible news indeed, mine
old friend! How often hast der foul fiend bit you?
Kuno: He has dared lay fangs upon my person once, Doctor.
Van Helsing: Then there ist still time! I shall fly to Nerima sofort,
immediately! Hat keine angst, old friend, we shall deal with this...
Kuno: (snarling) Ranma Saotome.
Van Helsing: ...Ranma Saotome in the same way you und I dealt
with Vlad Tepes!
Kuno: (gladly) That we shall! Together, we shall cleanse the earth
of the ancient, malignant evil that is Ranma Saotome once and for
all! So promises Takewaki Kuno, BLUE THUNDER OF THE CARPATHIAN
ALPS!
(Thunder crashes on both sides of the split screen. Van Helsing
peers out the window, where it's a warm, sunny, cloudless day.)
Van Helsing: How do you DO that?
Kuno: (puzzled) Do what, worthy Doctor?
Van Helsing: (resignedly) Ach, never mind. I shall see you in a few
hours. Courage!
(Helsing hangs up, and his split-screen vanishes. Kuno stands up,
and begins to pace.)
Kuno: (muttering) Foul, perverted mockery of life! Now know I why
he was able to ensnare Akane and the Pig-tailed one for so long!
They were in thrall to his hell-spawned powers! That demon in
human form, foulness from the nethermost pits of hades...
Kodachi: (entering) Hello, brother!
Kuno: (muttering) Speak of the devil.
Kodachi: (brightly) Now, Tatewaki, be happy! We're each getting
married tomorrow.
Kuno: This is true... although I wish it were in a proper ceremony,
not this heathen, barbarian church.
Kodachi: (shrugging) It was Catholic or nothing, brother. Every
other sect has heard of what happens at Tendo weddings.
Kuno: Surely not every holy order holds this unreasonable
prejudice...
Kodachi: All of them. Buddhist, Shinto, Zen, Sufi, Bobite,
Methodist, Heaven's Gate, Branch Davidian, Rot Bilong Kako,
Church of Elvis...
Kuno: So only the Christians agreed?
Kodachi: (shrugging) Well, the Manson Family volunteered.
Christian is fine, brother dear. I went to a Christian school for
years, and look at me.
Kuno: (to himself) A true Samurai does not weep...
Kodachi: (reassuringly) The wedding will be fine. I even had Soun-
sama send for that wonderful band to play at the wedding.
Kuno: (puzzled) Your Husband-To-Be has booked Wayne Newton?
Kodachi: (annoyed) No. Surely you remember, the band at that
quaint little tavern in Germany...
Kuno: (distasteful look) Oh. _Them_. Their jangling shall mar the
nuptials of my goddess on earth?
Kodachi: (miffed) I thought they were quite good.
Kuno: (darkly) You would.
Kodachi: Well excuse me, Mr. Bing-Crosby-Is-One-Of-The-Few-
Joys-In-Life.
Kuno: (irate) Profane not that great name!
Kodachi: I wouldn't know where to begin, brother.
Kuno: (stiffly) One of the few things that displeases me about my
upcoming union to the paragon of womanly virtue is that I will be
related to you in more than one way. It is bad enough having you as
a sister; I shudder to think what having you as a mother-in-law
will be like.
Kodachi: (smirking) Three words, Tatewaki: Clean your room.
(Scene changes to the Tendo dining room. The family has sat down
to dinner, as thunder crashes outside.)
Soun: (chewing) Wonderful chicken, Kasumi.
Kasumi: (smiling) Duck, father. It's duck.
Soun: Wonderful duck, then.
(Ranma looks slightly bothered, as if by something he can't quite
place.)
Akane: (sweetly) So, how is the tramp you're going to marry,
Daddy? I hope she catches leprosy and dies.
Soun: (smiling) That's nice, dear.
(Nabiki, who has been sitting to Akane's right, pokes her. Akane
turns.)
Nabiki: (whispering) Remember that plan we had to get him to pay
attention? Ready to try it?
Akane: (nodding) Ready when you are.
(Nabiki suddenly glomps Akane, kissing her full on the lips. Akane
goes through the motions, looking rather embarrassed and
unconvincing.)
Ranma: (staring) Um, Akane? Nabiki? Hey....
Genma: (gaping) Tendo...?
Soun: Kasumi, could you pass the salt?
Kasumi: Here you go, father.
(Nabiki lunges forward a bit, and she and Akane fall beneath the
table with a crash.)
Ranma: (pale) Oh man... I know I always call her a tomboy, but I
never thought....
Soun: (oblivious) And the pickles, please.
Akane: (muffled, slight trace of panic) Um, Nabiki? Nabiki? I think
you're overdoing it a bit, Nabiki.....
Genma: (burying his head in his hands) My son's fiancee is a
lesbian! The shame!
Akane: (panicked) Nabiki! Nabiki, what are you... HEY, get your
hands out of... NABIKI!
(There's the sound of a punch, and Akane emerges from beneath
the table, trembling slightly.)
Ranma: (questioningly) Um, Akane? Are you and Nabiki, uh, I
mean...
Akane: (turning on him) NO.
Ranma: (meekly) Sorry.
Soun: Kasumi, could you get me some more tea?
Kasumi: (getting up) Certainly, father.
Akane: (unsteadily) I... am going to go upstairs to my room, where
I am going to try very, very hard to forget what just happened.
Good night, everyone.
(She storms off, still shaking a bit.)
Soun: (standing) Well. That was delicious, Kasumi. Come on,
Saotome-kun, I'll beat you at shogi a few times.
Genma: (dubious look) Okay...
(They leave, and Kasumi begins clearing away the dishes, moving
in and out of the kitchen. Ranma peers under the table.)
Ranma: (hesitantly) Nabiki? Hey, you okay?
Nabiki: Uunnngggh.
Ranma: Did the tombo.. um... did Akane hit ya real hard?
Nabiki: (dazed) Man... what a kiss...
Ranma: (helping her up) You sure picked some way to come out of
the closet, Nabiki. Uh, which are you, gay or bi? If you don't mind
me asking?
Nabiki: (glaring at him) I'm straight, jerk.
Ranma: (skeptically) Yeah, and that was just sisterly affection
you were displaying. I'm her fiancee, and _I_ haven't gotten that
physical with her! This is the nineties, you know, that sorta
thing's okay now... well, not exactly _that_ sort of thing, but if
you take out the incest bit...
Nabiki: (absently) You can stop babbling now, Ranma.
Ranma: Oh. So anyway, um, d'ya think you could maybe start
something up with Shampoo? I'd really appreciate....
Nabiki: (upset) Will you cut that out? I am not a lesbian! I'm only
interested in Akane!
Ranma: (seriously) There are laws against that kinda thing,
y'know...
Nabiki: (sighing) I know. I don't know where it came from, either...
one minute she's my violent little sister, the next, WHAM! she's
just this amazing, sexy, just really _built_ goddess with thighs
like...
Ranma: (hastily) Uh, I get the point.
Nabiki: (embarrassed) Um. Sorry. Anyway, it just came over me.
The whole thing happened even quicker than Daddy and Kasumi's
thing with... the... Kunos...
(Ranma and Nabiki look at each other, and nod in unison.)
Ranma: What were you...
Nabiki: (scowling) There was some salt or sugar or something on
the floor, and I was sniffing it to see what it was. And I was
looking directly at Akane the whole time.
Ranma: You were drugged. Probably the Kunos were trying to get
me and Akane, and screwed up. As always.
Nabiki: (shaking her head) I can't believe I didn't see it before.
Ranma: Not your fault. The drug must have something that steers
the mind away from thinking about it, otherwise the Kunos would
have cured themselves by now. You only got a bit of it, so you
were able to figure it out indirectly.
Nabiki: (groaning) Oh my God... Akane is never going to speak to me
again.
Ranma: (comfortingly) Hey, it was't your fault.
Nabiki: (sighing) Yeah, but I still got farther than you'll ever get,
at least until the wedding night. And Akane isn't very rational
about that sort of thing, as you of all people should know.
Ranma: I'll talk to her for you.
Nabiki: Yeah. Tell her I'm really sorry. I'm not, I enjoyed it way
too much, but I probably will be once this crap gets out of my
system. (thoughtful look) Doctor Delirium DID figure out a way to
cure this, right?
Ranma: Yeah, but it has to be tailored to your body chemistry. He'll
have to take a blood sample.
Nabiki: (scowling) Damn. Could you please walk me down to the
clinic, Ranma? I might as well say there overnight, and it'd be a
good idea to keep me and Akane apart until I'm cured.
Ranma: (fervently) Yup.
Nabiki: Well, that or in bed together.
Ranma: (warningly) Nabiki...
Nabiki: (raising her hands) Sorry! Sorry, it's the drug talking.
Stupid idea anyway, I'd just get her fist. C'mon, let's get going.
(They leave. Scene changes to the inside of an American military
installation buried deep under Mount Badass, Idaho. Several
worried looking people in uniforms are tending monitors and
flocking about a fellow with lots of brass on his collar.)
Scrolling Text: (in a nifty, Tom Clancy-like teletype effect) US
DEEP SPACE INCURSION PREVENTION INSTALLATION (USDSPI),
IDAHO, MT. BADASS, 0023 HOURS
Officer 1: (clipped tones) The object has cleared the orbit of Mars,
sir.
General: Does it conform to the specs of any of the 235 races we
know of?
Officer 2: No sir. We've never seen anything like it. Should I have
the fleet move out from behind Venus?
General: We don't have a fleet behind Venus, soldier.
Officer 2: Yes we... oh, I see. Quite right, Sir.
General: (irritated) No, I'm not being subtle! We don't have a fleet!
Officer 2: If you say so, General.
Officer 1: (bending over a monitor) Object trajectory will bring it
to somewhere in the eastern Pacific, General.
General: Right. Get me ComPac on the horn, I want to speak to
CINCPac.
Officer 3: ComPac is being repainted, General, and CINCPac is in
labor at the moment.
General: (incredulous) Admiral Arthur MacMarlon is in _labor_,
soldier? Are you aware of the penalties for drug abuse on duty?
Officer 3: (apologetically) He took a goodwill tour to China about
a year ago, and was visiting these cursed springs....
General: (disgusted) The NinComPac.
Officer 1: (straightening) Sir! Object trajectory will bring it to...
Nerima Ward, Tokyo, Japan.
General: (disappointed) Oh. Okay, cancel alert status.
Officer 1: Sir?
General: (shrugging) Nerima gets aliens every year or two. Nothing
to worry about. (turns to Officer 2) Now... care to tell me about
this battle fleet we have off Venus?
Officer 2: (unruffled) Like the General said, we don't have any
battle fleet off Venus.
General: Grrrrrr......
(Fade to black. Open on the spire of Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily
Harm, early morning. Bells are pealing, as befits the joyous
occasion. Pan down to inside the church, where Shampoo and Akari
are surveying the place.)
Shampoo: (to herself) Let's see.... ramen over there, sweet and
sour pork over here...
Akari: (walking over) Excuse me. Are you the other half of the
catering team?
Shampoo: (turning) Yes, yes I am. Shampoo.
Akari: No thanks, I have delicate hair. I'm Akari Unryuu.
Shampoo: (doubtfully) Pleased to meet you. So what are you
providing? I understand you've been put in charge of the main
course.
Akari: (proudly) That's right. We're serving an Unryuu Ranch One-
and-a-half ton ham.
Shampoo: Pardon, my ears are going. I thought for a second you
just said "One-and-a-half ton ham".
Akari: (smiling) That's right.
Shampoo: (shaking her head) No, that's ridiculous. Do you know
how big a hog would have to be to give a ham that large?
(There's a loud Bwee, and Katsunishiki the Sumo Pig waddles in.)
Akari: It would have to be a little smaller than that one.
Shampoo: (wide-eyed) Oh.
(A door opens, and a priest walks in.)
Priest: (benignly) Well, is everyone ready for the wedOur Father
Preserve Us.......
Akari: Is something wrong?
Priest: There's a demon from Hell chewing on the Holy Book.
Akari: (mortified) Katsunishiki! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!
Priest: (flipping frantically through a book) Exorcism, it's in here
somewhere...
Shampoo: It's just a pig, Father.
Priest: (incredulous) JUST a pig?
Shampoo: Okay, it's a porcine monstrosity. But it's not a demon.
Akari: (shouting) No, Katsunishiki! Down, boy! Hup! Hoooya! Sit!
Priest: It's drooling on the Holy Relic of St. Heiligdeng.....
Shampoo: So it is. Hold on a second.
(She walks up to the pig and beats it across the skull with her
bonbori for a few seconds.)
Shampoo: Heel.
(She poses over the unconscious hulk.)
Priest: (muttering) "What's so special about a Tendo wedding?" I
asked. "Surely we can accommodate them..." Why me, O Lord?
(Scene changes to the patrol Pinto. Ranma and Saburo are cruising
the streets.)
Ranma: (chewing) Mmm. Was *gulp* nice of Ucchan to leave us
that lunch on *swallow* the door. Wonder where she went?
Saburo: (shrugging) Dunno. (thinks for a second) Think she'd like a
French restaurant? For our date, I mean?
Ranma: Yeah, I guess. Women like French stuff. Not sure why, I
mean, they got the same stuff there that they do here, it's just
there it's a little different. (pauses) You know what they call
okonomiyaki in France? One of those ones with cheese melted on
it?
Saburo: Le Okonomiyaki?
Ranma: Crepe with cheese.
Saburo: (marveling) Crepe with cheese?
Ranma: (nodding) That's right. (sighs) On my lunch break I gotta
stop by Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily Harm, okay?
Saburo: (nodding) Yeah, a bit of prayer wouldn't hurt with this job.
I didn't know you were Christian...
Ranma: Oh, it's not to pray. I have two weddings to stop.
Saburo: (frowning) Our Lady, eh? Hmm....
Radio: (crackling) Mobile 23. Come in, Mobile 23.....
Ranma: (blandly) Why, listen, old boy. A call. For us.
Saburo: Whee.
Ranma: Such a unexpected surprise, too. (He picks up the handset)
Mobile 23, leaping bravely into the jaws of certain death, how
may we help you?
Radio: My, cocky, aren't we? The thing on the docks has started
moving into the city. Bring it down.
Ranma: (turning pale) You aren't, uh, referring to the cat...
Radio: No, I'm referring to the _other_ nigh-unstoppable force of
nature that was terrorizing the docks and is about to make
Godzilla green with envy. OF COURSE THE ^$&#*% CAT!
Ranma: (sweating) Gee, well, love to help ya, Chief, but we're uh,
a bit busy here...
Radio: Too bad. Drop whatever you're doing.
Ranma: (shaking) Uh, really busy here sir, you'll have to send
someone else....
Radio: (grimly) Mobiles 1 through 22 engaged the thing five
minutes ago, at the intersection of Wolf Avenue and 359th Street.
They will be given burial with full military honors. You two are
all that's left of Nerima Animal Control. Stop the thing before it
destroys the city. Central out.
(Silence for a few seconds.)
Saburo: (calmly) We're going to die, aren't we.
Ranma: Gaaaaaaaah.
Saburo: (shrugging) Ours is not to reason why... well, if we never
find it, it can't hurt us.
Ranma: (brightening) Good point. Think the tranq gun would have
any effect?
Saburo: (thinking) Mobile 1 was an armored personnel carrier with
stun grenades. I don't think our tranq gun will be much use.
Ranma: Huh. We should have shotguns for a job like this.
Saburo: Mobile 5 had them.
(Scene changes to the door of Our Lady Of Grievious Bodily Harm.
Nabiki, garbed in a rather conservative business dress, is
checking people's invitations.)
Nabiki: Ah, Herb and party. Go right in.
Herb: (bowing) Thank you.
(He walks inside, and three hooded, cloaked, strangely tall and
awkward figures move forward.)
Cloaked Figure 1: (odd, mechanical voice) We are here for the
ritual joining of the Kasumi-unit.
Nabiki: (raising an eyebrow) Really? Let's see an invitation, buddy.
Or 30,000 yen.
Cloaked Figure 2: We do not possess any denominations of your
race's monetary symbols.
Nabiki: (disappointed) Oh well. The invite, please?
Cloaked Figure 3: You don't need to see our invitation.
Nabiki: (mechanically) I don't need to see your invitation.
Cloaked Figure 2: We can enter the center of worship.
Nabiki: (monotone) You can enter the center of worship.
Cloaked Figure 1: Move along.
Nabiki: Move along. Move along.
(They enter the church, and Nabiki looks faintly puzzled. Ukyo and
Ryoga step up.)
Nabiki: (smiling) Ryoga, Uk...
Ukyo: (bluntly) Okay, Nabiki, let's cut to the chase. You have us
over a barrel here...
Nabiki: I do?
Ukyo: (annoyed) Yes. Obviously we aren't supposed to be at this
wedding.
Nabiki: Well, actually...
Ukyo: (interrupting) But we both know that for a bribe, you'll let
us in. Here's 40,000 yen.
Ryoga: (irate) That's way too much!
Nabiki: Actually, it's...
Ukyo: ...not enough? Damn you. Okay, 50,000. Take it or leave it.
Nabiki: (pocketing the money) I'm a bit puzzled as to...
Ukyo: (frowning) ...How Ryoga's going to get in? Tricky. Okay,
Nabiki, you win. Here's another 40,000.
Nabiki: (taking it) Uh, thanks.
Ukyo: (scowling) You really are a heartless...
Ryoga: (also scowling) C'mon, Ukyo. Before she finds another way
to gouge money out of us.
(They enter. Nabiki watches them go, mystified.)
Nabiki: (puzzled) But they were invited. And why do they want to
attend Daddy and Kasumi's wedding? (looks at the money) Oh well.
(The two FBI agents walk over.)
Man: We're here for the alien invasion.
Nabiki: That's down at the Presbyterian Church. This is the
wedding of Soun and Kasumi Tendo.
Woman: We know. There's a scientific explanation for all of this.
Nabiki: (nodding) Yeah, that's what Ranma and Akane said.
Chemicals.
Man: You'll have to let us by now, miss.
Nabiki: Sure. 30,000 yen, please.
Man: But the truth is in there!
Nabiki: (shrugging) And it doesn't come cheap. 40,000 yen. Pay up
or buzz off.
Man: (handing her a number of bills) Here.
Nabiki: (smiling) Enjoy the wedding. Let me know if you see any
aliens.
Man: I could, but then I'd have to kill you.
Woman: Oh, shut up.
(They enter the church. Nabiki sighs.)
Nabiki: I'm not making nearly enough money for this.
(Four rather scruffy Gaijin walk up.)
Gaijin 1: Hi. We're the band.
Nabiki: (glancing at the invite list) Rats, huh? You look the part.
Gaijin 2: (eying Nabiki) Your beauty doth make the sun seem a dim
and fading firefly. Might I have the pleasure of your name, O
goddess who deigns to grace the dull and dreary world with her
presence?
Nabiki: (raising an eyebrow) He related to Takewaki Kuno?
Gaijin 1: (staring) Uh, Mahon? When did you learn Japanese?
Gaijin 3: Wot'd he say?
Gaijin 4: Yah, what'd the taciturn bugger say?
Gaijin 2: Let me speak on your earlobes...
Nabiki: (speculatively) Let me speak on your bank account...
Gaijin 1: (firmly) Nonexistent. Come on, Mahon...
(He and the other two begin to drag a protesting Gaijin 2 into the
church.)
Nabiki: (calling) Nonexistent? Aren't you getting paid for the
wedding?
Gaijin 2: Two perfect shells, framed by thy auburn locks in
shimmering - let go! - glory....
Gaijin 1: (calling back) Not much, we mostly came to sightsee and
because of the traveling - OW! hold still, Mahon - expenses being
prepaid. Sorry.
Nabiki: (sighing) Damn. Could have gotten a few dinners and
expensive gifts out of that one.
(Scene switches to inside the church. Guests mill about, talking
and laughing. A large spread has been prepared in the center of the
hall, and wedding presents are being placed on a table near the
entrance. Zoom in on three figures in Chinese clothing.)
Tsung: (astounded) You mean both of you are _also_ isolated
Chinese warlords with a arrogant, imperious air, a horde of
powerful minions, a neat-looking palace, and a spectacular
martial arts special technique that seemed unbeatable until you
fought Ranma Saotome?
Herb and Kirin: Why, yes.
Tsung: (thoughtful) We are interested by this.
Kirin: We? There's another one?
Tsung: No, it is simply Our mode of speech.
Herb: (Impressed) Hey, you're talking in capital letters. Nice trick.
Tsung: (bowing) Thank you. It's a gift.
Kirin: I shall try it. "You shall do our bidding, worm."
Herb: (shaking his head) No, not quite right.
Tsung: You have to move the tongue like so...
Ryoga: (from across the room) Hey, isn't that the warlord of
Varaiyah sticking his tongue out at Kirin?
Ukyo: (looking) Yeah, sure is. Let's steer clear of them, okay?
Tsung wants to kill you and seduce me. I think you have the better
end of it.
Ryoga: (scowling) Oh, yeah, slow torture followed by execution is
worse than a pleasant dinner.
Ukyo: A pleasant dinner with Tsung _is_ slow torture.
Ryoga: (shaking his head) Torture isn't torture without leeches,
hot irons, and genital mutilation. And rats. And glass tubes
inserted in...
Ukyo: (interrupting) You've got problems, y'know, Ryoga?
Ryoga: Only one. His name's Ranma.
Ukyo: (exasperated) What has he ever done to you?
Ryoga: He... um... I can't tell you.
Ukyo: (interested) Something embarrassing, huh?
Ryoga: Let's just say that if it got out, my lifespan would be
shorter than a fruit fly in a nuclear reactor.
Ukyo: (raising a eyebrow) Wow. Bet it has to do with Akane, right?
Ryoga: (nervously) W-why do you say that?
Ukyo: (shrugging) Most of the stupid things you do usually involve
Akane in some way. (takes some appetizers from a plate) Want
some bacon-balls?
Ryoga: (shaking his head) No, I don't eat pork.
Ukyo: (curious) Are you Jewish?
Ryoga: No, I just don't dig no swine, that's all.
Ukyo: (teasingly) But bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste goood.
Ryoga: (looking ill) I know. Please don't remind me.
FBI Man: (from across the room) Look, Dana! The kid we saw at the
blast site!
Woman: The one who knew Kasumi Tendo?
Man: (nodding) That's right! Him! And now he shows up here...
there's something funny going on...
Woman: What exactly _is_ this, anyway?
Man: (impatiently) It's an alien invasion, of course! Open your
eyes! Trust no one!
Woman: (pointedly) It's the first alien invasion I've ever seen
with a buffet spread and bacon-ball appetizers. (chewing) Not bad,
either.
Man: (squinting) I think it's being cleverly disguised as a wedding.
(he reaches out and taps a passerby on the shoulder) Excuse me,
sir.
Cloaked Figure 1: (odd, mechanical voice) What do you wish,
carbon-organic lifeform?
Man: (conspirator's whisper) I was just wondering if you had
noticed anything... odd... at this wedding.
Cloaked Figure 1: Please state the functional parameters of
"odd".
Man: Aliens. People acting like their minds were being tampered
with. Unexplainable phenomena.
Cloaked Figure 1: I have not observed activity that meets your
requirements. Have you observed a T'Kraal Invasion Fleet Strike
Team, Char-Lee?
Cloaked Figure 2: I have not. This planet is in no danger of being
harvested.
Cloaked Figure 1: You see? There is no danger to your planet. Your
puny race is not about to be wiped out by the awesome power of
the T'Kraal Empire.
Woman: (annoyed) You see? It's just a wedding.
Man: (doubtfully) Maybe... thank you for your time, sir.
(They walk off. The cloaked figures watch them go.)
Cloaked Figure 1: I think he suspects.
Cloaked Figure 2: Signal the lead ship to move into atmospheric
position.
Cloaked Figure 3: Pass the bacon-balls.
(A rumbling begins to fill the air. Zoom to outside, where a HUGE
spaceship shaped vaguely like a burrito drops through the
ionosphere to hang menacingly above Nerima. The city turns dark
as the huge shape blocks out the sun.)
Man on the Street: It's the aliens.
Man on the Street 2: Again.
Man on the Street 3: Hope they don't land in Tomobiki again.
Property values were shot to hell in the last one.
(Scene switches to another part of Tokyo, where Ranma and
Saburo, wearing fake beards and dark glasses, are idly driving
through the city. The words "Nerima Ward Animal Control" on the
side of the Pinto have had several strips of duct tape stuck across
them, hiding them from sight.)
Saburo: See any cats, Ranma?
Ranma: Nope. Just people, trees, cars, and a huge alien spaceship
blocking out the sun.
Saburo: Nothing out of the ordinary, then?
Ranma: Nope. We'd better keep looking.
Saburo: Good idea. Let's check Kyoto next....
Radio: (crackling to life) Mobile 23! Where the %^&*@ are you?
Ranma: (picking up the handset) Uh, well sir, um, we're a little
lost... and the car's making funny noises...
Saburo: (muttering) ...not that that's anything out of the ordinary...
Ranma: ...and we really don't know exactly where the cat's
supposed to be...
Radio: It's making a beeline straight for Our Lady Of Grievious
Bodily Harm. The trail of destroyed buildings its leaving should
make it easy to spot.
Ranma: (pale) It's heading for Our Lady? Okay, Chief, we're on it!
The cat doesn't stand a chance!
Radio: That's the spirit! Semper fi, damn the torpedoes, once more
into the breach! Go get that thing, and remember... we're behind
you!
Saburo: (muttering) Way, way, way behind us.
Ranma: (turning to Saburo) We gotta stop that thing. Akane's in
that church, and so are the rest of the Tendos! Oh yeah, and Dad
too.
Saburo: (worried) You don't suppose Ukyo might be in there too?
Ranma: (upset) Yeah, she was invited.... (he reaches out and peels
the tape off the side of the car) How fast can we get back there?
Saburo: It's 30 miles to Nerima. We've got a full tank of gas, a
carton of okonomiyaki, there's an alien spaceship hanging over the
city, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
(They think this over for all of a nanosecond.)
Ranma and Saburo: (together) Hit it.
(The Pinto lurches, accelerates, and burns rubber towards Nerima.
Scene changes to the wedding. Kasumi and Nabiki are standing in
front of the gift table.)
Kasumi: Oh my. All these presents...
Nabiki: (nodding) Lots of them (looks at the tags) Shampoo...
Tsung... Foxtrot... Herb... Butler... Mousse... RpM... Mulder...
Youngblood... Konatsu... Kergma... Kirin.. Eav... Akari... (she pauses)
What on earth is that?
Kasumi: The earth part is incorrect. It is a Vk'dargh crystal
sculpture.
Nabiki: (reading tag) To Kasumi, new Native Planetary Governor,
from the Empire.
Kasumi: How nice!
Nabiki: Uh, yeah. Oneechan, have you seen Akane?
Kasumi: (thoughtful) I think she went to Doctor Tofu's office.
Something about getting a cure and keeping away from her
perverted molester of an older sister.
Nabiki: (nodding) Yeah. I tried to talk to her at breakfast, but she
just screamed, threw a chair at me, and ran away.
Kasumi: I think she's just going through a phase.
Nabiki: Right.
Kasumi: I'm going to go find Kuno-chan, Nabiki. Thank you for
helping with the wedding!
(She walks off, looking through the crowd. After a few minutes,
she opens a side door and stops dead. Penned up in a supply room
is Akari's Sumo Pig, and two of it's smaller cousins.)
Kasumi: (wide-eyed, staring) Oh. My.
(The pigs look at her uneasily.)
Kasumi: (salivating) The glazed ham that would make......
(Scene changes to a street a few blocks from the church. A rather
kawaii off-white cat, about the size of a breadbox, is cheerfully
mauling a bear. The patrol Pinto rounds the other end of the
street)
Ranma: (voice shaking) There it is.
Saburo: Yup. Doesn't look so bad. Kinda kawaii, actually.
(The cat rips the bear apart in a shower of blood, and playfully
begins to chew through a lamppost.)
Ranma: Yeah. Just adorable. Look, I ain't fightin' that thing.
Saburo: Don't worry. I have a plan.
(He revs the engine.)
Ranma: (nervously) Uh, Saburo? What's the plan?
Saburo: (holding down the brake and gas, steady voice) I had a cat
when I was a kid. Got hit by a car. Died.
Ranma: (eyes widening) Oh no, you don't mean....
(Saburo takes his foot of the brake and the car shoots forward as
if shot from a gun.)
Saburo: (eyes a bit skewed) Ramming Speed! Brace for impact!
BANZAI!
Ranma: (closing his eyes tightly) Oh sh-
(The Pinto smashes into the cat at an incredible velocity. It flips
into the air, does the triple axle spin, and lands on it's side a few
meters away. The cat does not seem to have taken any notice, and
begins to playfully roll on it's back whilst tossing a semi in the
air.)
Saburo: (after a few seconds) Ranma? You dead, man?
Ranma: (eyes still shut) Yah man.
Saburo: (weakly) I don't understand. My cat got hit by a car and...
Ranma: (opening his eyes) Car. We aren't in a car, we're in a Pinto.
Damn, Saburo, what the hell were you thinking?
Saburo: It seemed like a good idea...
Ranma: (incredulous) Wrecking our means of transportation?
"Ramming speed!" Jeez....
Saburo: Well, we can walk.
Ranma: (groaning) Speak for yourself. Owwwww.....
(They struggle out of the remains of the Pinto, and watch the cat
chew up an apartment complex.)
Ranma: It's heading for the church, but it's also stopping to
destroy the area along it's route. If we run, we can beat it there,
maybe get everyone out in time.
Saburo: (shrugging) Lay on, MacDuff.
(They break into a run. Scene changes to the front of the church,
where Akane, in a heavily padded-looking white dress, is running
up the steps. As she does, she notices Ranma and Saburo jogging
towards her.)
Ranma: (panting) Akane! We've got to get everyone out of there!
The cat's coming!
Akane: (disgusted) You and your thing about cats.
Saburo: (really panting) You don't understand! It's a monster!
Akane: (aback) Is it huge, scary-looking, and covered with spikes?
Saburo: No, it's small, off-white, and really sorta kawaii,
actually...
Akane: (annoyed) Why do all of you keep acting like cute little
Felix is some sort of horrible menace! Really! Anyway, Ranma, I
have the cure. Tofu make it a few minutes ago. He also said that if
they don't get it in the next half hour, it'll be useless and the drug
will take affect permanently. (she frowns) And why is there one
for Nabiki?
Ranma: Why'd ya think she was sucking lips with you? She got a
whiff of it too.
Akane: (heaving a sigh) Oh. That is soooo much of a relief. C'mon,
let's get the cure to them before the wedding starts.
(They begin heading up the stairs, but are stopped by a man in the
robes of a Zen monk coming out of the door.)
Zen Monk: (peering at them) STOP!
Ranma: Huh?
Zen: (waving his arms impressively) If you marry that beast at
your side, you shall die an early, horrible death! Destruction! Woe!
Ranma: (confused) Man, I wasn't planning on marrying Saburo. I'm
not that type of..
Zen: (annoyed) No, I mean Tendou Akane! The devil in human form!
She'll...
(Akane mallets the monk into LEO, where he bounces nicely off the
hull of the spacecraft.)
Ranma: What a weirdo. Actin' like you were some sorta murderer...
Akane: Yeah. Pronounced my name funny, too. Come on, we need to
give them the cure!
(They race inside, there the pre-wedding party is getting into full
swing. The gaijin have set up their instruments, and are playing a
lively tune.)
Saburo: (walking off) You two go do whatever it is you're supposed
to be doing with those syringes. I'm gonna find Ukyo and warn her.
(He walks off. Ranma and Akane look around, trying to spot their
targets.)
Ranma: You take the ones for Kasumi and Kuno; I'll handle Kodachi
and your Dad. Oh, and I'd better handle Nabiki, as well.
Akane: (shuddering) No argument there. (looks around) Where are
they?
Voice: (from a side room) ANY OF YOU ^$^#^#% PIGS MOVE, AND I'LL
EXECUTE EVERY ^$^*&@% LAST ONE OF YOU!
Ranma: (startled) That sounded a bit like...
Akane: ...Kasumi? That's impossible. One day, in a moment of great
stress, she said "dang". And then went right to the bathroom and
washed her mouth out with soap.
Another Voice: (shouting) SAOTOME!
Ranma: Oh, good. There's Kuno.
(An irate Kuno pushes through the crowd towards Ranma, followed
by a middle aged man in tweed clutching a stake and a pail with
the words "Holy Water - Industrial Strength" printed on it.)
Kuno: There is the bloodsucking fiend, Doctor!
Van Helsing: Ach! You dare defile a House of God, demon? Feel His
wrath!
(Van Helsing tosses the pail's contents on Ranma, who rather
predictably turns female.)
Ranma: (angry) HEY! What's the big idea?
Kuno: (pale) Pig-tailed Girl?
Van Helsing: (trumphantly) AHA! It is of the variety known as the
succubus, which lures brave warriors to their doom and drains
their blood! But the Holy liquid has shown us its true form!
Kuno: (outraged) It is the selfsame wench that has pursued me
these past months, trying to lure me astray with her wiles!
Ranma: (incredulous) ME? Lure YOU? You... you...!
Kuno: (flourishing his bokken, which boasts a newly sharpened tip)
Devil! HAVE AT THEE!
(Kuno and Van Helsing charge at Ranma, who backpedals and
dodges, hampered by the syringes in her hand. Scene changes to
the other side of the hall, where Ukyo and Ryoga are trying to find
Ranma and Akane.)
Ukyo: (frowning) It's their wedding, they have to be here!
Band: (with great volume) o/~ THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY TO
TRAVEL o/~
Ryoga: (yelling) I can't hear you!
(Ukyo frowns and walks over to the four gaijin band members.)
Ukyo: Could you turn it down a notch?
Band: (not hearing) o/~ THERE MUST BE ANOTHER CAR TO CHOOSE
o/~
Ukyo: (yelling) TURN IT DOWN ALREADY!
Gaijin 1: (turning) We're supposed to play loud music, miss. It's in
the contract.
Ryoga: (coming over) What's the big... YOU!
Gaijin 1: (resignedly) Oh. You. Don't break the instruments, okay?
Ukyo: Where's Ranma Saotome?
Gaijin 1: Dunno. Who's he?
Ryoga: The source of all misery.
Gaijin 4: Bill Gates?
Gaijin 1: Oh, yeah, the guy you wanted to kill. No idea.
Kuno: (across the room) DIE, FOUL DEMON SAOTOME!
Ukyo: That answers that. Come on, Ryoga!
Ryoga: (charging off in the wrong direction) RANMA, DIE!
Ukyo: (calling) No, you idiot, "Ranma, can we talk?" and it's THIS
WAY!
Ryoga: (unhearing) SAOTOME, TODAY IS THE DAY I CRUSH..
(He collides with a group of people and they go down in a tangle of
arms and legs.)
Ryoga: (trying to sit up) Uh, sorry...
Herb: (sorting out his arms) Clumsy oaf!
Tsung: (standing up) YOU! THE INFIDEL!
Kirin: (irate) Has the cur insulted you, friend Tsung?
Ryoga: (small voice) uh-oh.
Tsung: (enraged) Kidnapper of the Holy Prophet! DIE! CHAO KUNG
MING STRIKE!
(Green ki energy flares. Pan to across the room, where Nabiki is
talking to Dr. Hasigawa.)
Nabiki: So you see, Doc, it was just drugs. I won't be needing your
services after all.
Hasigawa: (mournfully) Ach, yet another profitable case gone
sane. I am thinking I am too good a psychologist for my own good.
(brightens) You said drugs? I also run a substance abuse clinic...
Nabiki: (shaking her head) No.
Shampoo: (appearing from nowhere) Die.
(Nabiki yelps and leaps sideways just as a bonbori whizzes
through the place her head had been occupying.)
Hasigawa: (delighted) Ah! a psychopath! I haven't seen one in ages!
Where ist mine notepad?
Shampoo: (bloodthirsty howl) Nabiki, Shampoo KILL!
Nabiki: (backpedaling) Shampoo, Nabiki SUE! You hear me!
Shampoo: (eyes glowing) Dead men file no lawsuits!
(Nabiki runs. Shampoo follows.)
Hasigawa: (running after Shampoo) Wait! My card! Reasonable
rates!
(Scene changes to the middle of the room, where Ranma is trying
to keep out of Van Helsing and Kuno's way.)
Kuno: (swinging) FIGHT, TIMOROUS DAEMON!
Ranma: (ducking a bokken swing and kneeing Van Helsing in the
groin) I got my hands full, Kuno. Can we do this some other time?
Ryoga: (from across the room) CHAOS BUTTERFLY WEATHER POINT!
(A storm cloud forms within the church, and lighting blasts down
from it. It begins to rain.)
Tsung: Ha! I am undaunted! SHAN HAI GALE BLAST!
(A column of focused, churning air blows across the church,
blasting open a side door. With a squeal of terror, the Sumo Pig
and it's smaller companions charge out, Kasumi racing after them
with a carving knife.)
Shampoo: Greedy girl die!
Nabiki: (running) Do you understand the phrase "Punitive
damages"? "Deportment"? "Lifetime fiscal debt"?
Shampoo: No. I don't.
Nabiki: Uh-oh.
Ryoga: OW! CHAOS WEATHER POINT ATTACK - Hurricane Call!
(A twister appears over the area where Ryoga and Tsung are
fighting. Streamers and plates of food fly, propelled by the
winds.)
Band: (ignoring the havoc) o/~ I'll tell the story straight... o/~
Van Helsing: (drawing a chalk circle) Quickly, Herr Kuno, push the
thing into the pentagram!
Ranma: (dodging) That's a circle, not a pentagram!
Van Helsing: (shrugging) Pentagram sounds neater, hellspawn.
Kasumi: (slashing madly at the pigs) Oh my! Ham for everyone!
Saburo: (running up to Ukyo) There you are! We've got to get out of
here!
Ukyo: (frowing) I've got to stop the wedding!
Saburo: (hurried) Ranma and Akane are taking care of it! Come on,
we've got to get out of here!
Tsung: I am undaunted! LOTUS BLOSSOM DETONATION!
(A explosion rocks the church.)
Ukyo: (ducking a bit of flying rock) You may be right... It's a bit
rough in here...
Saburo: (grabbing her by the shoulders) Not this! The cat! It's
heading straight for the church!
Ukyo: (staring at him) The cat?
Priest: (hiding behind the podium) Will the Kunos and Tendos
please fight their way to the front of the melee to be married?
Kasumi: (ceasing the chase) Oh my! That's me!
Akane: (running at her with the syringe) Oh no you don't!
FBI agents: (drawing guns) Kasumi Tendo!
(Akane runs up and jabs Kasumi with the antidote just as the FBI
opens fire. Akane, in front of Kasumi, catches about 23 rounds in
the chest and slumps to the ground)
Ranma: (horrified) AKANE!
FBI agents: Whoops.
(Ranma runs over to Akane's collapsed form, and cradles her.)
Ranma: (crying) I never.. I never got to tell you...
(Akane suddenly sits up, ruining a perfectly good death scene.)
Ranma: (blinking) Wha? I was just starting my I-Never-Told-You
monologue!
Akane: (straightening her dress, flattened disks of lead fall off) I
told Oneechan the Kevlar dress was a good idea.
Kuno: (running up) Kasumi!
Kasumi: (vague look) Oh dear. Am I supposed to love you?
(Akane jabs Kuno with the cure.)
Kuno: Ow. (he blinks) Tendo Akane! You come to show your love for
me by erotically jabbing me with needles! Come to my arms!
(Ranma and Akane punt him through the roof.)
Ryoga: OW! CHAOS WEATHER POINT - Fists of hail!
(More foul weather lashes the church.)
Shampoo: Die!
Nabiki: (frantically) "Court order?"
Shampoo: No, not know that either.
Nabiki: "Death penalty"?
Shampoo: Know that, attempting to carry it out.
Akari: KATSUNISHIKI! Stop! Sooooooeee! Sooooeeeee pig!
KATSUNISHIKI!
Tsung: Urgh.. I persevere! REALLY IMPRESSIVE KI BLAST WITH A
SILLY NAME!
(Bits of masonry rain down.)
Band: (stoicly playing on) o/~ I hope it's not too late.. o/~
Priest: (huddled, covering his head with the Bible) Ladies and
Gentleman... we are gather here in mortal combat, in the sight of
God and an Alien Battlecruiser, to join this man and very young
woman in holy wedlock. Given the unusual nature of this company,
I'm going to skip the normal schtick and go straight to the "I
do's".
(Soun and Kodachi step forward.)
Akane: Ranma! Do something!
Ranma: (holding the two syringes like darts) Here goes....
(He throws them, with perfect aim. And they would have hit, if it
weren't for the woman in black, looking vaguely like Gosunkugi
save for the diamond-shaped marks tatooed around her eyes, that
suddenly appeared in a flash of blue. Right in the flight path.)
Soun and Kodachi: I do.
Sicarii: (snarling) Kaeri, you dieOW!
Ryoga: WEATHER POINT FINISH! NORTHERN LIGHTS STRIKE!
Sumo Pig: BWEE!
Felix: (crashing through the wall) MMMMRRRRROOWOW!
Herb: FLYING SWORD DRAGON SLICE WAVE!
Sicarii: (in the middle of it all) Oh shit.
(A stream of auroea borealis plasma blasts down from the sky,
making a nice hole in the spaceship on the way down. Right on
Sicarii and Tsung. Herb's attack blasts out a column of fire. Right
on Ryoga and Sicarii. The Sumo Pig and Felix collide. Right over
Sicarii.)
Tsung: (dazedly) I persevere! Or.. not.. *thud*
Priest: You may kiss the bride. I'm going to run for my life now.
Cloaked Figure 1: Our ship is damaged.
Cloaked Figure 2: I have been hit by a bowl of bean dip.
Cloaked Figure 3: Retreat to Neptune.
(They clap their hands in unison, and begin to sparkle. Felix,
attracted by the light, leaps at them. All four disappear in a Star
Trek Transporter Thingie effect.)
Band: o/~ ...For the Bright-Street Beach-House Back-In-Business-
Blues... o/~
(A shiny blue locket, covered in bits of Sicarii, skitters aross the
floor to land at one band member's feet.)
Gaijin 2: (picking it up, tearfully) Ah, sure an I wish Kodachi
hadn'ta fallen fer that man..
(Blue light flares from the locket, and the band vanishes.)
Ukyo: (huddled on the ground) You can get off me now, Saburo.
Saburo: (standing) Er. Sorry.
Ukyo: (smiling) Don't be. A girl likes to feel protected, you know?
Even if I could wipe the floor with you without even exerting
myself.
(There's a rumble, and the alien ship zooms off into space.)
Ranma: Oh, man. Look at your Dad and Kodachi kiss.
Akane: (sounding ill) I'd rather not.
Nabiki: (running up) Ranma! HELP!
Akane: What is it?
Nabiki: (seeing her) Akane! Let's get rid of these uncomfortable
clothes and... (Ranma jabs her with the cure) ...oh my God what am
I saying I think I'm going to be sick...
Shampoo: (running up) Nabiki! Come back here and die like a man!
Nabiki: (looking ill) I've been thinking like a man quite enough for
one day, thank you.
Ranma: What's up, Shampoo?
Shampoo: (brightening) Oh, hi Ranma! Lovely wedding, didn't you
think? Ko-chan is very lucky.
Ranma: (angrily) Huh? Perfect Japanese? You're not Shampoo!
Nabiki: (in a flash of inspiration) That's right! Oh, Ranma, it was
horrible! This demon killed Shampoo and took her place! The
humanity of it all!
Shampoo: I can assure you...
Ranma: (enraged) IT KILLED SHAMPOO? HIRYUU SHOTEN HA!
(The column of ki-enhanced air sends Shampoo flying through one
of the new holes in the roof.)
Nabiki: (applauding) Let's see, with the angle it was at, and
airspeed... yup, she should land in the *splash* canal.
Van Helsing: (peering across the room) Hasigawa? Is that you?
Hasigawa: (delightedly) Old friend! Have I got a deal for you! A
mentally disturbed demon was just sent flying though the roof!
Business for both of us!
Van Helsing: Ach ja? Wunderbar! Let us find the hellspawn!
(They race out of the church.)
Ryoga: (sitting up) Owwwwwww.....
(The Sumo Pig walks over and begins to lick his face.)
Ryoga: (making frantic attempts to push it away) Glug.
Akari: KATSUNISHIKI! Stop that!
Chief Sugita: (walking over) Akari Unryuu?
Akari: (turning) Yes?
Sugita: (smiling) You're under arrest. Letting a dangerous animal
run free.
Akari: But...
Sugita: I wouldn't worry. With good behavior, you'll be out in a
few years.
(Zoom in on Soun and Kodachi, still locked in a kiss. Fade to black.)
END OF EPISODE 8
Epilogue to come! Wait for it.....