Dimension 6
Part 5
TOM: And Part is closing in on Dimension...
Michelle Ramos
MIKE: Michelle Ramos. Stephen Ratliff. Separated at birth? Think about it, won't you? Thank you.
Even with the power boost to her chain, Sailor Venus could feel her hold
on
CROW: Sanity slipping away.
the monster fade as it struggled. Suddenly, Princess Amanda, in her Venus
MIKE: Pose.
TOM: You mean naked on a seashell?
MIKE: Exactly.
guise, had an idea. She quickly limped over to a storage closet marked
'Weapons Locker'. She punched a button and said a security code clearance.
The doors opened, revealing a wide variety of guns, whips, chains, exotic
CROW: Whoa!
MIKE: I think we're definitely getting into a Whole Weird Area Here(tm).
things, you name it. She looked around a bit, then picked up a big gun.
TOM: The Big-Ass Gun from Hell?
MIKE: No.
TOM: Darn.
She pulled back a small lever and left a trail of green behind it,
ALL: Ewww!
signaling it was charged. The princess turned on her toes and aimed at her
CROW: Feet, pulling the trigger and killing them instantly.
attacker. She pressed one button, setting the frequency to kill.
TOM: About 99.1 MHz.
MIKE: <announcer> Be sure to set your dial to 99.1, K-DETH radio!
And the
girl in a Sailor Venus costume fired a red-orange beam, which hit the
monster, vaporizing it, just as Venus's chain lost its hold.
TOM: How convieeeeenient!
"Quickly, we must find the Princess of Leodon!"
MIKE: Her number's unlisted. Sorry.
* * * * *
Back down in the core, Mars was losing consciousness as the bio tightened
the grip on her throat. She realized she would die if she just hung there.
CROW: An astute observation.
Suddenly, the monster felt a piercing feeling in his groin.
TOM: Bad fanfics are like a storm raging inside your groin...
Then an even
harder one as he loosened his grip on Mars. He dropped her as the bio
MIKE: As opposed to 'he.'
doubled over in pain. Mars lay there, gasping for breath. 'Every man, human
or monster, has got one.
CROW: Except for eunuchs.
TOM: And invertebrate monsters.
CROW: And non-mammal monsters.
What a good weakness to know,' she thought.
MIKE: Comments, gentlemen?
<crickets chirp>
Valerie slowly regained her consciousness. She opened up her eyes and
CROW: Screamed in horror.
TOM: "I'M STILL IN THIS FANFIC!"
MIKE: Hey, keep it down!
blinked several times as she sat up. Valerie looked over at Mars in shock.
"Raye, LOOK OUT!!" The bio was standing over her angrily, about to strike
TOM: Fiss.
MIKE: Copyrights, Tom, copyrights...
her to her death. His glowing red eyes and glowing green fist swung down.
CROW: He's positively glowing!
MIKE: Too easy, Crow.
One inch away...
TOM: Or 2.54 centimeters for those using civilized units.
"Venus Crescent Beam SMASH!" The beam impacted at the monster's fist
TOM: Strike?
MIKE: That's a stretch.
causing him to stop. Next, he felt a fierce flying kick to his side.
CROW: It really wasn't there, but it still hurt.
Then, a
high round kick to the face from Amanda. She spun around and gave him
TOM: The bl-
MIKE: Tom!
TOM: -oom of roses she'd picked earlier. Geez, I'm Tom, not hentai Crow over there!
CROW: Hey! I'm not hentai, just ecchi.
another hard kick. Finally, an uppercut that would put all other uppercuts
to shame, that sent him flying through the rocky ceiling and into space.
MIKE: Leaking the entire room to vacuum and killing them instantly. The end.
"Warning!" The red alert just sounded. "Core destruction in five minutes,"
the computer relayed to them.
TOM: So if you were planning a vacation, now's a good time to take it.
* * * * *
Wesley and Darien were beginning to lose the battle.
CROW: YES! Two birds with one stone!
<Mike begins to break out the party equipment>
There were now seven
monsters instead of one to fight. Anything you threw at them would just
MIKE: Bounce off me and stick to you.
split them into more. The guys were badly bruised, and had injuries that
needed medical attention right away.
TOM: Please say spinal injury, please oh please oh please...
Nothing was working and Darien's power
was nearly drained. Wesley sensed this.
MIKE: Who is he now, Troi?
"Hey, Darien, you... okay?" Prince Wesley said as he winced in pain.
TOM: I cannot express how much joy I feel reading that sentence.
"I can't fight. I'm pr... etty much drained. Ouch."
"You need an energy transfer." He groaned from more pain as he lifted his
CROW: Shirt, exposing his rock-hard-
MIKE: Crow, you know better...
CROW: Come on, the worst I can say is 'nipple!'
hand to Darien's shoulder. He concentrated as best he could, and let some of
his energy flow into the Prince of the Earth.
TOM: Ah, but is he a Prince of the Universe?
CROW: <singing> I have no rival / No man can be my equal!
MIKE: That's enough of Queen for today.
Being weak himself, Wesley
CROW: Died. The end.
said, "Come... on! I hate losing fights." He lifted his hand up to his blue,
MIKE: Crow, if you make any reference to any round object....
oval shaped com-badge and pressed it, porting them away.
TOM: Yeah.
CROW: Um-hm.
MIKE: Ok.
ALL: WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?
* * * * *
Simealtameously, Sailor Moon had been broken free of that death grip on
her
throat by the lady.
MIKE: In some vague unspecified manner.
TOM: Perhaps she called upon the power of the BAKFH(tm)?
The two were now teaming up and were successfully
starting to beat 'im.
CROW: NO! No-one beats Jim Phelps!
The girls were back to back now, trying to figure out
what to do next. "What now?" Sailor Moon said breathlessly.
TOM: The oral sex?
"I do not know. Let us try this, one of us can distract him while the
other
hits the bio's weak spot. If there is one."
MIKE: You speak in a stiff manner whilst I look for a suitable type of firearm.
"Weak spot? When'd you see that?"
"I noticed it last time we hit him. It is there on his right thigh.
CROW: It's labeled "weak spot" in florescent letters. You can't miss it.
He
faltered when you blasted it."
"Oh."
"You hit him while I distract the thing."
TOM: Sure, the Princess gets the easy job.
MIKE: Which one?
"Are you sure you want to risk that?"
CROW: <falsetto> No. In fact, why don't *you* go?
"I have gotten into worse trouble before. I am also well trained in this
type of situation."
TOM: Yeah, they all get training in covert operations.
"Okay. I just hope all my energy isn't used up. Good luck."
MIKE: You'll need it, lady.
The woman nodded and proceeded to do her job. She ran head on screaming
CROW: Into the wall.
TOM: Not a very efficient attack.
toward the bio. The monster recovered quickly and progressed to hit her when
the girl was in range. Instead, she jumped just in time over his head. He
looked up, watching her fly. This was it.
MIKE: No sir, I have seen it, and this is definitely not it.
"Now," Serena said to herself."Moontiaramagic!Moonscepterelimination!" Her
TOM: Pronunciation sucked.
aim was impressive. She had hit right on target, totally destroying the
monstrosity.
CROW: Chibi-Usa was no more.
TOM: Woohoo!
<all make good use of the party equipment Mike got out>
"Good job, Princess!" the lady clapped. Sailor Moon smiled at her deed.
Instantly, the woman's white, 8-pointed star com-link started beeping.
MIKE: Meanwhile, on Sailor Moon Z...
TOM: That's a real reach there, Nelson.
Then
there was a voice.
"Lady Janella! If you are not detained, please report to MedBay
immediately." The com clicked off.
<the party ends (as they all do)>
"You're Janella?" Serena said a bit surprised.
CROW: On alternate Thursdays, yes.
"Yes I am. Now we both must go to the palace hospital now. It is not safe
TOM: So why are you going there?
for you to be alone here." Janella led her towards the front doors of the
palace. They disappeared inside the once clean doors.
MIKE: <your mom> But now they're just filthy! You're getting no supper until those doors are sparkling clean, you hear me?
* * * * *
Janella and Serena burst in through the doors of a high-tech hospital,
TOM: St. Elsewhere?
known as MedBay.
CROW: Oh, they're in San Franscisco.
They were greeted by a young man with dark, sandy colored
MIKE: Watch out. It might turn out to be Haruka.
hair who looked to be in his thirties. "Thank goodness, you're safe. Lady
Janella, we just got another truck-load of patients.
CROW: And we lost the receipts again!
Most of them are in
critical condition. We could really use your medical expertise."
TOM: <falsetto> Well, I don't really have malpractice insurance...
As soon as he finished saying those words, Princes Wesley and Darien
appeared. They both collapsed into Serena and the man's arms.
MIKE: Respectively.
BOTS: Hello!
Serena gasped. "Darien! Oh, are you okay? Speak to me, please!" she said
frantically.
"Your Majesty, are you alright? Please say something!" the man said to
Wesley.
TOM: Guys, someone called Wesley 'your majesty.' The end has truly come.
Janella spoke up. "Get them on the beds... Now!" she ordered.
BOTS: YES!
They did as
they were told. "Professor Scott, find Dr. Holloway, at once." She gestured
to the man to go. First, she took a look at Darien, so as not to panic
CROW: Herself.
Serena any more. "This is very bad. I cannot even count the number of
TOM: Letters of appreciation we got for nearly killing off Darien *and* Wesley!
injuries that your friend has acquired!" she reported.
MIKE: Are you caught?
"He's not just a friend," Serena said, crying now,
MIKE: He's also a client!
"he's my only love."
She
quickly ran to his side and sobbed away.
TOM: To where?
"Oh, I am sorry," Janella replied softly.
CROW: <flat falsetto> Really. I am. Sorry.
She then went over to the left
MIKE: As Gore's running mate in 2000.
and examined Prince Wesley. Janella gasped at how weak he was. At least his
injuries she could decipher.
TOM: Yep. He's a goner.
CROW: Ain't triage great?
On the other side of the room, two men dashed in through a door.
CROW: In a one-horse open sleigh?
One was
Professor Scott, the man from earlier, the other the doctor. The doctor
MIKE: Cripes, now she's crossing with the original series too...
asked, "Mi' Lady what is wrong?" He, too, gasped at the horrible sight of
his prince. Like the doctor, they were a bloody mess.
TOM: <British> I say, this entire fanfic is a bloody mess!
"Wesley is very weak and critical! I can take care of him,
MIKE: <Evil(tm) laughter>
but you and
Professor Scott must attend to Darien! He is in more serious danger. I sense
CROW: That the winner of the Super Bowl...will be...
it!"
Dr. Holloway darted over to Darien and
MIKE: -darted right the hell back.
checked him. He took out a small
TOM: Vial.
device called a tri-corder and used it to
CROW: Watch Seinfeld.
MIKE: NO GOOD FANFIC FOR YOU!
scan Darien's vital signs. As he
did this, Janella and Wesley disappeared to ER Central.
TOM: They're Tommorrow Persons!
"My god, this man is
dieing!" Serena almost screamed at this,
MIKE: So who said it?
as she felt even more pain rush
into her head.
CROW: Must be the odango.
TOM: <whispers> Dubs, Crow, dubs!
CROW: Oh, I mean meatballs!
"We must operate at once! Scott let's get him to ER Central."
MIKE: On NBC's Must See Thursdays!
TOM: Mike, did you really have to show off how much network TV our writer doesn't watch?
MIKE: Yes.
Scott walked over to Serena and called a nurse over.
TOM: And for those playing along at home, if *you* can find a connection between those two clauses, write it, seal it in a self-addressed, stamped envelope, put it in the trash bin and forget about it. You'll be glad you did!
"Please Serena, get
off him so we can operate," he said comfortingly.
CROW: So he basically said, "Get the hell out, you crybaby," in a nice way?
TOM: That's about the size of it.
The nurse led Serena away
MIKE: To be put to sleep.
CROW: You haven't read Allegro Moderato yet, have you?
MIKE: No. And neither has anyone else.
as she sobbed uncontrollably. Scott vanished just after Darien and the
doctor did.
TOM: Where the hell are all these people going?
MIKE: Must be lunch time.
"What is happening?
CROW: <A. Whitney Brown> A good question, and there are no easy answers.
Where are they taking him?" Serena cried.
TOM: Away.
CROW: Ha ha.
MIKE: Hee hee.
TOM: Ho ho.
Without even
knowing or even caring she detransformed into street clothes.
CROW: <singing> Street life, it's the only life I know...
"Shhh. There, there," the nurse in white consoled,
TOM: Ha! I told you it was a Nurse Angel crossover!
"they're going to
MIKE: A better place.
TOM: The Happier Hunting Ground?
CROW: Your Darien is wagging his tail in heaven and thinking of you...
Emergency Room Central, where they will help your boyfriend get better.
MIKE: *Lots* better. <Evil(tm) laughter>
TOM: That's two, Nelson. You sure you feeling okay?
I'm
sure Dr. Holloway will do a superb job." She let Serena cry into her arms
without any annoyed thoughts, as she had done this many, many times before.
CROW: SHe'd never snapped before, either, but there's a first time for everything.
* * * * *
"Mercury Ice Star Blast!!!" The wave of energy sent the hydra-like monster
CROW: Ooh, lemme guess, it has an internal skeleton, eyes, and a spinal chord?
flying back on impact. Mercury leaped over to Rianna, who was still lying
TOM: Shame on you, Rianna! Bearing false witness like that!
face-down. Amy could see bleeding claw marks on her back,
MIKE: Now *that's* acrobatic.
CROW: Imagine what she could manage in bed!
MIKE & TOM: NO!
obviously this
monster had hidden talons. Rianna groaned.
CROW: Moaning as his-
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Reached home. Thanks, Mike.
MIKE: D'oh!
Mercury gasped and jumped back as
the claw marks began to speed-heal.
TOM: Must be a real saving in medical insurance.
When the regeneration was completed, Rianna turned onto her back and stood
up. All that was left of the wound was a couple of tears in the suit.
CROW: And a hole in her heart.
"I'm
sorry to scare you. It's called Molecular Cell Regeneration, or
TOM: A plot device.
speed-healing. Here it's too common for the residents to get surprised.
MIKE: They're used to running for the hills and making the sign of the cross.
It's
a natural thing."
CROW: About as natural as I am, honey.
"That was astounding! How is... No, wait. I'll ponder it later. Now where
did he go?"
TOM: Which way did he go, George, which way did he go?
"There!" Rianna pointed to a far off spot.
MIKE: Out out, damned spot!
It realized it was spotted and
CROW: Literally!
<Mike and Tom laugh foolishly>
ran... or slithered, away.
CROW: Actually, as hydras have no mode of locomotion...
The two Mercuries quickly followed.
CROW: Two of them? <drools>
They finally caught up with it after a
few minutes chase, and Rianna jumped on the snake's back.
MIKE: Snake, hydra, make up your mind!
It jolted up and
down and thrashed repeatedly.
TOM: Whatever it is, it's fiesty.
But her grip was flawless enough that she
wouldn't let go. The demon faced Amy and tried to get her with his slimy,
ultra-sticky tongue.
TOM: Previous tentacle warning applies, Mike...
She leaped and dodged. Followed by, "Mercury Ice Bubbles Freeze!" an
CROW: <falsetto> Mercury Ice Bubbles Freeze follow me everywhere. It's so annoying!
equally ultra attack.
TOM: Equally ultra?
The bio froze in place, literally. Rianna was
MIKE: Running like heck.
unaffected by this attack. She jumped off and gave the frozen idiot a mighty
CROW: Quinn!
TOM: Duck!
MIKE: Orbot!
CROW: Bosstone!
karate kick, shattering him into several pieces.
TOM: Um, was this written before Mizuno the Senshi?
MIKE: Yes.
TOM: Ooops! Uh, forget I said anything...
"Let's get back to the palace," she suggested.
CROW: Licking her lips seductively.
Mercury nodded. They both
CROW: Knew what they wanted. Mercury had to ease the ache between her-
MIKE: Crow, look. We've got enough on our plate without you making this into some hackneyed lemon, okay?
CROW: Sumimasen...
pressed their com-badges and departed.
* * * * *
"Warning. Core destruction in three minutes."
<cheers from the gang>
MIKE: Yep, it's the forgotten subplot that gets you everytime.
"I can't override it! If we don't stop self-destruction in time..." Amanda
started.
TOM <excited>: Then you all die and we get out of here!
MIKE: You're including the senshi there.
TOM: Acceptable losses, Mike.
"...then Dome City II blows!! I know! I know!!" Valerie finished. She
TOM: <falsetto> It will be glorious!
smashed at a button on the Communications Console and spoke. "Attention!!
CROW: <falsetto> I have broken a button! Maintenance, get up here NOW!
All senior staff to the Main Core right now!!!! This is an emergency!"
TOM: Okay, everybody to Ground Zero!
* * * * *
Back in the cargo bay, Jupiter was smashed against the wall by the bio she
fought. She faded a little,
CROW: Huh?
and when the senses she had left returned to
her,
MIKE: FOrgiving her for her past transgressions.
Lita heard part of Valerie's frantic request. "...Core right now!!!!
TOM: Okay! Er, how does one core?
CROW: Like this.
<Crow cores>
TOM: Okay. Thanks.
CROW: No problem.
This is an emergency!" Jupiter dodged a huge sphere of green that knocked in
TOM: Ah, so in the 24th century they use adjectives as nouns?
MIKE: Apparently.
most of the wall. She swerved to her left, and tried to get a weapon going.
MIKE: Needless to say, she failed.
'It must be bad,' she thought. 'Hopefully not as bad as me.' Lita was
CROW: So, is she Jupiter or Lita?
bruised all over her legs, up and down her arms, and had millions of gashes
on her stomach, chest, and head.
TOM: So she had no skin left?
She lost so much blood she wondered how she
was still alive.
MIKE: She wasn't. She was ONE OF THE LIVING DEAD?!? <Evil laughter deluxe(tm)>
"Ju... it..(wheeze)er Thun... heh... der," Lita verbalized
CROW: Everyone vocalize!
TOM: She should really stop smoking.
in pain, "Cra.. ash!" Jupiter unsuccessfully tried to do at least her
MIKE: First joint. Everything would be better after that...
weakest attack. All that came out of her antenna was a feeble little spark.
TOM: Static cling: who doesn't have it?
And she realized she would die.
CROW: See! And we all thought she was an idiot.
Lita collapsed in pain. The girl whom which
MIKE: Let it go, Tom. Just let it go.
TOM: But it's sitting there mocking me!
she believed to be Princess
Vanessa, had just finished her slow process of healing some of the multiple
wounds she acquired. There were two many big ones, so she had gone under long.
MIKE: Soon, there were three many big ones. After awhile, the many big ones were unstoppable!
Too long.
She sensed she was still in danger and wondered how long she was out.
TOM: Not long enough, I say.
And
why her guardian prince hadn't come for her yet.
TOM: You know what they say about how long royalty can hold their moments...
She barely saw the
unfamiliar girl in a heap a few feet away from her. Vanessa felt herself
about to go under again and whispered some words that the princess hoped
would save herself.
MIKE: Okay, now what's going on around here? From the beginning!
TOM: Well, first the Earth cooled. Then the dinosaurs came. But they all died and turned into oil. Then the Arabs came along and...
"I call... upon the power... of, Dome."
ALL: DOME?!?
MIKE: What kind of lame-ass power is Dome?
CROW: Hey Mike, I call upon the power of Sphere!
TOM: Yeah! Cube Power, Make Up!
The real energy of her once whole
planet flowed into her through streaks of light and
TOM: Out her ears.
gave Vanessa enough to
stay awake. Noticing the Jupiter costume on that girl she thought it might
CROW: Might be on sale. Gotta check the tag.
be a good idea to help her out. Vanessa crawled recklessly towards the
teenager. Little did she know the bio was rapidly advancing to her, about to
strike.
TOM: Fiss?
MIKE: We've been through this before, Tom.
"Mercury Ultra Ice Star! Blast!" Another wave of energy flew from the
grasp
CROW: Pretty neat. I'd like to see that.
of Mercury as it collided with the bio, halting it from its target.
TOM: <falsetto> In the name of the Moon, I will halt you!
MIKE: You mean 'Mooon.'
Rianna
smiled as her blast saved her princess from danger.
MIKE: Show off.
Vanessa was startled with all of this confusion, but quickly went back to
helping the girl.
MIKE: Shouldn't she be helping herself?
CROW: Or asking where Rianna came from?
She slowly got up and staggered over to Jupiter, then
collapsed down to examine her.
TOM: Hardly an efficient bedside manner.
She felt for a pulse, and any signs of
breathing, but found neither. The two
Mercuries knelt down next to
CROW: The three tenors.
her. Amy used her visor to scan Lita. Tears came to her eyes as she tapped
TOM: Them.
CROW: Well, if your eyes hurt when you tap them, then don't tap your eyes!
away her visor and put away her computer.
MIKE: Damn Macs.
"Sailor Mercury what is it?" Rianna asked concerned.
CROW: Who's Concerned?
MIKE: Not me!
"She's, she's..."
TOM: Dead, Jim.
MIKE: Right, I call no original series Star Trek refs for the rest of the fanfic.
Amy was cut off by a small moan from Jupiter.
CROW: Damn moans! Never signal their lane changes!
"She's
still got a chance! We have to get her to a hospital immediately!" she
exclaimed.
Rianna rapidly tapped at her com-badge and called for help.
CROW: <operator> 911 Fanfic Emergency Hotline, how may I help you?
"Commander
Jenson to MedBay. Medical emergency in Cargo Bay 2, four transports."
TOM: But no people.
"Acknowledged." All four of the young women disappeared leaving the dead
carcass of the bio to melt away.
MIKE: Gotta be a bummer of an autopsy.
* * * * *
"Warning. Core destruction in two minutes."
CROW: Ah, our subplot's back to visit. How nice!
"I don't understand," Professor Scott said,
TOM: If he has a *hint* of a Scottish accent, people are going to die.
"we should always be able to
override this thing." He was the first to respond to Valerie's call and was
having no luck in helping.
CROW: You know, I parsed that as 'f-
MIKE: Yes Crow, we know how you parsed it. Don't tell all of USENET.
"Oh man! Hey, where is everybody?!" Valerie inquired in an irritated tone.
TOM: We don't know. They've all been vanishing and disappearing and doing God-knows-what.
"I think I know about..." Scott started quietly.
Valerie didn't hear him though. "ALL senior staff to the Main Core!
CROW: Staff of what? A city? An asteroid? Do you want civil service people?
NOOOOOOOW!!!!!" she screamed.
MIKE: No, she whispered. Whattaya think?
"Get a GRIP Valerie! This is no time to SCREAM!!" Amanda yelled.
CROW: <Amanda> Now YELLING, that's OKAY!
"We're in a CRISIS!!
TOM: Moon Fanfic Crisis, Make-up!
MIKE: Tom, that's the second henshin phrase you've tried. It's time to give up the ghost.
TOM: Never!
This is every time to scream! Now the mission at
Talara 4! THAT was no time to scream!" Valerie countered.
CROW: Is this comic relief?
TOM: I thought the entire story was comic relief.
"LADIES!!! IF, ...if you will just wait patiently AND QUIETLY for the
others, we'll get out of this mess without casualties," Scott interrupted.
CROW: Er, too late.
* * * * *
Back in time a bit, the four arrived in another room of MedBay.
MIKE: The Fantastic Four?
A couple
of
doctors were waiting for them with Medkits in their hands. Lita was taken
TOM: To the Medoperatingroom, where Meddoctors did Medemergencysurgery.
away immediately, while they tended to Princess Vanessa on a nearby bed.
CROW: Don't you mean Medbed?
Amy
decided there was no reason not to, so she detransformed. Rianna followed suit.
MIKE: Spades.
CROW: Sam Spade.
MIKE: Mickey Spillane.
CROW: Babe Wore Blue.
MIKE: Mark Latus.
TOM: Good job.
"Retromand Command Now."
TOM: Any guesses?
A cylinder of yellow light came down on her from
the ceiling,
CROW: This is my author's avatar, which whom I am well pleased.
TOM: I knew the universe was run by maniacs...
and morphed her clothes to another magenta colored uniform.
CROW: The same one, actually.
The
light faded. "Let's go see what is happening to Jupiter." Rianna walked over
to Vanessa. "Will she be alright?" she asked the doctor.
TOM: So exactly what was all that golden light about?
"Princess will be fine. As soon as we get her to the Healing Center,
though."
MIKE: Time for go to Healing Center.
CROW: Sounds like more new age crap to me.
MIKE: Well, in a series with all those crystals, what do you expect?
TOM: Moon Dilithium Crystal Power, Make-up!
"Good. Come."
CROW: But I'm saving my moment for marriage!
Amy followed Rianna while she twisted through corridors and
TOM: And Amy came from...?
into other rooms. Amy was amazed at how much technology they had and yet how
many injured people were still waiting for treatment as she passed them by.
TOM: Guess universal health care isn't all it's cracked up to be.
They finally stopped in a hallway and looked into a large window.
CROW: Not *through*, mind you. *Into.*
They saw a bunch of docs and nurses surrounding someone.
MIKE: And tonight's mystery guest patient is...
Amy saw the newly
posted chart on the window and realized it was Lita they were working on.
TOM: Cool! She can read!
The walls weren't soundproof, so you could hear the bustle inside.
CROW: Actually, we can't. We're reading, not listening.
"Twenty CC's of Nydro-cordiline," a surgeon ordered.
MIKE: For the Medimpaired, a translation. "Twenty MedCC's of MedNydro-cordiline," a Medsurgeon Medordered. Medmedmed.
One of the nurses
filled an IV with the stuff.
TOM: Okay, that's where I draw the line. If you're going to make up medical technobabble, at least have the guts to retype it!
Over Lita's head, a monitor encased in the wall
CROW: Was showing flying toasters.
started to beep even more. There was a definite change.
MIKE: Change is the one true constant in the universe.
"Her body isn't reacting right.
TOM: Here's the packing slip. Trade her in for a new one!
Check the charts, she's human
right?" another doctor said.
CROW: Not with that talent. I'm definitely smelling silicone.
Another nurse got some other medical chart and said, "Yes."
MIKE: Wait, he's a doctor and he can't figure out something as elementary as species?
"What?" Suddenly the monitor on the wall started to blip very oddly.
TOM: Um, I think you got the order wrong there.
CROW: No, he's a precog.
One
of
the instruments started to give a warning signal. A doctor got a medical
TOM: Precisely how many doctors are there around here?
tri-corder and started to scan her. "We're losing her. Nurse, 55 RC's of
CROW: RC's?
MIKE: Uh...er...I'm at a loss. There aren't any SI prefixes that fit.
TOM: Shall we assume the cola, then?
CROW & MIKE: Hai!
Pator-niolex. Get the shockers ready, we may need them."
CROW: Break out the SM lemons!
Someone got a small tool
MIKE: Resist the temptation, guys.
and pressed it against Lita's neck. It made a
CROW: Moment.
MIKE: Crow!
quiet 'air out of the balloon' sound.
MIKE: Oh, you mean like this?
<Mike proceeds to blow up a balloon and let it go. It flys around, clearly outlined on the movie screen, making a noise I can't begin to approximate on a keyboard>
CROW: I think so.
No change. A nurse walked in with a
TOM: Names, please?
MIKE: Nah, they'll probably end up dead anyway.
device that looked like the kind doctors of the 20th century use when they
decide to shock a person into waking up.
CROW: Nice to see that medicine has come so far in 300 years.
She handed it to the surgeon and he
placed the two shockers, connected by a cord to a box, on Lita's chest.
MIKE: Okay, I call no 'talent' jokes for the rest of the scene.
TOM: But the way these scenes are drawn out, that could be the rest of the story!
MIKE: I'm prepared to take that risk.
A few buttons on a nearby console were pressed.
CROW: By who?
TOM: Cousin It.
"Set it to 30 Gammas," the
MIKE: Gamma?
CROW: Yeah. It's the SI unit of shockingness.
surgeon ordered. More button pressing.
TOM: That would have been so much easier to riff if the Cold War was still on.
"Clear." A shock went through the
CROW: Ample chest.
device and into Lita, but all she did was bop up.
MIKE: Uh, excuse me, but isn't that what she's *supposed* to do?
"Try 40 Gammas." The
monitor sounded a continuous beep... she was dead.
TOM: Does this bring a tear to anyone's eye?
MIKE & CROW: Nope.
<pause>
TOM: Same here. <sniffles>
"Clear!"
MIKE: Say what you like, he's a great linesman.
CROW: <whisper> Referee's assistant!
Nothing.
"50 Gammas! ...Clear!"
Nope.
"60! ...Clear!"
Not a thing.
"70! ...Clear!"
CROW: You know, this scene got this fanfic an award.
MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: Yeah, Most Pointless Dialogue Ever.
TOM: It beat the Journal Entries?
MIKE: Have you plugged *all* our writer's fanfics?
TOM: Still three more to go.
Just a shock.
"80, Clear!!"
Uh oh.
TOM: I think even Michelle's getting tired of this.
"90!" he said in a dramatic voice, "Clear!"
Nothing.
"Dead. Oh, great... Lita Kino, died Stardate 267.34.
MIKE: So help me, if *one* of you little Star Trek otaku says a single thing about how that date is wildly inaccurate, there's going to be some death.
Time of death, 18:07
hundred hours," the surgeon stated solemnly.
CROW: It's only 6:07pm?
TOM: Long day.
MIKE: Does time travel involve changing time zones?
Amy rushed in much to Rianna's surprise. "No, Amy!" She bursted through
TOM: Bursted?
MIKE: We know, Tom, we know.
the
crowd and started doing CPR.
CROW: Shall I say it?
TOM: Why not?
MIKE: How 'bout we do it all together?
TOM: Okay.
ALL: OOC!
She pressed on her chest. "1,2,3,4,5!"
MIKE: She can count, too! I take back every bad thing about Ami I've ever said!
TOM: We know where you live, Nelson.
She spurted breath into Lita's mouth.
MIKE: Well Crow, you've got your hentai scene. Satisfied?
CROW: Strangely, no.
"1,2,3,4,5!" Again. "1,2,3,4,5!" More
breath. She did this more, until Rianna walked over and stopped her. "No,
she can't be dead! She can't! Oh, Lita, NO! No, no." Amy cried.
TOM: No. Oh no. This can't be. Oh no.
No one had ever seen Amy in this much of a wreck,
CROW: Don't read many fanfics, do they?
and Rianna had the
unfortunate chance of being first.
MIKE: All those Medguys just left, eh?
She cried uncontrollably into Rianna's
shoulder and hugged her with all her might. Even though she did not know her
well, Amy needed somebody to cry on.
TOM: She would have preferred Brad Pitt, but...
The nurse covered Lita with a blanket
and the medical team left the room.
CROW: Leaving the corpse to decompose.
TOM: Okay, fifty bucks says Jupiter's coming back.
CROW: You're on!
* * * * *
After a little while, Rianna thought it might be best to leave the room
CROW: It ws beginning to get smelly, after all. One could take one whiff and realize that she and Ami had-
MIKE: CROOOOW!
CROW: That's one O!
and
find the others. And so they left.
TOM: Logical.
As the two headed back towards the room
they arrived in,
MIKE: For whatever reason.
a very angry call came through to their com-badges.
"ALL senior staff to the Main Core! NOOOOOOOW!!!!!"
CROW: This fanfic is on continous loop, isn't it.
"I'll go. You probably want to be alone."
"No, no, Rianna. It's alright. I can go with you," Amy argued softly.
TOM: Never mind she's not senior staff.
MIKE: And she probably doesn't want to die in a huge explosion anyway.
Her
shoulders racked up and down, as she had just stopped crying.
CROW: In other useless news...
"If you wish. (Sigh) This way." The head of the Secured Safety Council led
TOM: Wow, spontaneously appearing titles!
Amy out of MedBay and somewhere farther in the palace.
CROW: Or asteroid. Who can be sure?
* * * * *
Janella returned to the room Serena was waiting in to find her a
MIKE: Gerbil.
disheveled
mess. Janella was totally covered in blood now. But not all of it was hers
TOM: Most, but not all.
or Prince Wesley's, the blood belonged to all of her poor patients. As
CROW: She didn't want to be a doctor. She wanted to be a...a...a lumberjack!
Janella saw the painfully shocked look on Serena's face she realized she was
bloody. Her suit was ruined now.
MIKE: Needs Didi-7.
Janella concentrated and changed into the white fighting suit she had worn
earlier.
TOM: What, no protracted undressing and dressing scene? And she calls this an anime fanfic.
"At least there is no more blood with which to shock you. Let us
CROW: Entertain you.
go. There is an emergency in Dome City II's power source." The Princess of
TOM: Pain.
the Moon nodded sadly. Janella transported Serena and herself to a location
directly in front of some doors.
MIKE: They were the doors to Hell, but they didn't know that.
CROW: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
MIKE: Should have said that back at the beginning.
They both entered silently and Janella ordered the computer where she
wanted to go. Down.
MIKE: <singing> We've learned a lot and then, down down / Know that we have always been down, down, / And if I ever did a thing to you / Then just let me do it now.
The only sound heard as they rode to beneath the city
was Serena's wracking sobs.
TOM: And Mike's horrible 311 renditions...
* * * * *
Later on, Amy and Rianna found themselves in the Core rather quickly.
CROW: Not quickly enough, obviously.
They
had just arrived after Janella and Serena.
MIKE: Thus making the use of 'later on' moot.
The two were immediately briefed
ALL: Wooo!
on the situation. There was no time for either Serena nor Amy to tell their
bad news.
TOM: Or neither.
"This is not good.
CROW: It's doubleplusungood!
We must not let Dome City II, Dome City I, or this
solar
system to explode because of a computer malfunction! This is all
MIKE: Bill Gates's fault!
unacceptable," Lady J conferred.
TOM: <Lady J> We need backup! Bring in Duke and Sargeant Slaughter!
CROW: I always liked Duke better.
TOM: You too?
"I understand, your excellency,"
ALL: LONG LIVE YOUR EXCELLENCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Valerie replied, "but I don't think this
was just a simple glitch."
"Then what, Princess?" Janella implored.
TOM: Implored?
"Sabotage."
CROW: Ill Communication.
"Warning. Core destruction in one minute, thirty seconds," the computer's
female voice relayed once more.
MIKE: Dear heavens! That has to be the longest 30 seconds in history!
TOM: Must be Fanfic Time Dialation.
"Great," Amanda said. "How's it coming, Professor?"
CROW: Great, Mary-Ann!
Scott was halfway inside of a repair console off to the side. A bunch of
sparks were seen and a small thunder-like crack was heard.
CROW: Jupiter lives!
TOM: Michelle Ramos, you ma'am are no Tolkien.
As Scott said
"Ow!"
ALL: Otaku Wars.
and tried to get out he bumped his head on the inside top and yelled
"Ow!!"
ALL: Otaku Wars.
once more. "Uh. Not so great. Whoever did this was real smart." He
MIKE: Died from acute stupidity?
rubbed his new bump on the head.
TOM: Would you like one lump or two?
"Isn't there anything else you can do?" Rianna asked.
CROW: Well, there is the song-and-dance number...
"Hmm. You know, I could reconfigure the time-dilation modgulater to
reattain..."
MIKE: God, she can't even come up with good technobabble.
"Who cares! Just do it! And where the hell is Wesley?!
TOM: In the Village.
He should be here
by
now!" Valerie exclaimed in her irritated tone.
CROW: Must be her Moon Cycle.
"Uh, Princess..." Scott started. Just then, Princess Vanessa walked in.
MIKE: Wearing a sheer strapless magenta uniform.
She
looked a little pale, but otherwise fine.
"Warning. Core destruction in one minute."
TOM: Um, somehow this is lacking a certain something.
CROW: Plot?
MIKE: A point?
CROW: Simple speaking verbs?
MIKE: Suspense?
TOM: Yeah, that's it.
CROW: Which one?
TOM: All of 'em.
Vanessa got all the info she
needed about the situation.
"Never mind. If only we could evacuate!"
Amy asked, "Why can't we?"
CROW: Because then the only real conflict in the story will be gone.
Valerie answered quickly, "It takes just one minute to evacuate half the
CROW: Large intestine.
MIKE: Ewww!
city, but it takes an hour to get out of the system! We'd blow up with it in
this much time."
"Warning. Core destruction in thirty seconds. There will be no other
warnings beginning now."
TOM: Good. They were getting annoying.
MIKE: Sorta like those turnoff notices from the power company.
"Hey that was fast," Rianna noticed.
CROW: Ah, detachment from reality. It's the first sign.
"Yeah, you're right. Thirty seconds would be a little longer than that."
MIKE: But who's counting? We've got thirty seconds to live it up!
"I get the feeling of sabotage," Vanessa claimed,
MIKE: Falsely.
"whoever did this must
have messed with the timer."
TOM: The scoundrels!
CROW: Just buying time until the supposed 'big climax.'
"Scott! Hurry!"
"I'm trying!"
TOM: Try harder!
"Computer, countdown!" Amanda ordered.
MIKE: You know, a little 'o kudasai' goes a long way.
"18 seconds and counting."
"No pressure or anything but let's move, Scott!" Val yelled.
CROW: I thought they couldn't evacuate?
"Okay, reconnect the blue time grafter to the, the, the coolant system
conduit." Scott told himself.
TOM: Ah, that's real skill at work.
"Ten seconds and counting."
CROW: Fast eight seconds.
"And the foot tube's connected to the hip conduit."
ALL: Nani?
"Nine seconds."
Rocks from the ceiling began to fall. All of the D6 girls huddled together
while the Sailors did the same.
MIKE: Okay, D6 rolls 4. That's 34 hit points on the scale, so that means...
CROW: What do rocks have to do with anything?
TOM: And where'd all the monsters go?
CROW: Or come from?
"Eight seconds."
TOM: I forget what eight was for.
"At least we'll see Lita on the other side. I hope," Amy uttered to
TOM: Thesauruses. Use them wisely, or not at all.
herself.
"What?!"
"Seven seconds."
'I love you Wesley.'
<all make vomiting sounds>
"Six seconds."
'I love you Darien.'
<all stop making vomiting sounds, then laugh>
"Five."
"No, no, that's not it!"
TOM: Five? I admit it's not the best number, but...
"Four."
"Scott!!!"
MIKE: Mike!
TOM: Jimmy!
CROW: Patrick!
MIKE: Kaneda!
TOM: Tetsuo!
CROW: Mamoru!
MIKE: Usagi!
TOM: Eiko!
CROW: Ciko!
MIKE: Gilligan!
TOM: Skipper!
CROW: Ernie!
TOM: Bert!
MIKE: Chief!
TOM: McCloud!
CROW: Good, I think that burned off enough time.
"Three."
The girls screamed in horror.
MIKE: Fat lot of good that will do.
"Two."
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Val screamed.
CROW: Don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel.
"One."
<eoramos@ix.netcom.com>
TOM: Wow.
MIKE: Hell of an explosion. Even the email address blew up.
(continued)