I have NO idea why I thought of this, but I did. Beware.
* * *
[A chirpy, large-eyed generic anime girl pops up on the TV screen.]
Generic Anime Girl: Hello! Do you have money troubles?
[A large $ floats across the screen. ]
GAG: What about love problems?
[A large heart floats across the screen.]
GAG: Involved in a turf fight with another biker gang?
[The Clowns from Akira float across the screen.]
GAG: Maybe you’re just sick of your best friend always being
better than you?
[Kaneda’s face floats across the screen.]
GAG: If so, don’t worry! We here at the Neo-Tokyo Psychic Network
can help? Our *certified* psychics will help you, so all these problems
will go away! Just listen to some of our satisfied customers!
[Tetsuo missing an arm and wearing that red cape appears.]
Tetsuo (sounding real depressed): Yeah, thanks to the Neo-Tokyo PN
I fixed all my problems. I killed off my girlfriend Kaori and almost
killed my best friend, Kaneda.
[Tetsuo’s face starts to bloat. Veins pop out]
Tetsuo: I killed everyone.. Neo-Tokyo’s dead.
*THANKS* a lot, Psychic Network!
[Tetsuo starts to swell and bloat.]
Tetsuo: Kaneda, help me!
[GAG shoves Tetsuo off screen. A large sweatdrop appears on her head.]
GAG: Let’s hear from some of our *other* satisified customers!
[Kyosuke Kasuga appears out of nowhere.]
GAG: See, another satisified customer! His psychic powers fixed all
of his life’s problems!
Kyosuke: Well, actually, the Neo-Tokyo PN didn’t give me any powers.
[GAG whips out a sign that says “Shut up or we don’t pay you!”]
Kyosuke [doesn’t see the sign]: And actually....
Girl Right Off Screen: Kasuga!
Kyosuke (upset): Ayukawa?!
Girl Left Off Screen: Darling!
Kyosuke (even more upset): Hikaru?!!?!
[GAG hits him over the head with the sign and pushes him below the
screen.]
GAG: Ummmmm. [GAG uses the anime uber-kawaii face.] Never mind! Weren’t
those customers satisfied! We have so many other customers, like...
like... the cast of Harmegeddon... the ones who didn’t die! and...
umm.. ahh...
GAG (muttered under breath): Stupid producer should watch more anime.
Baka.
GAG (cheery again): Just remember, the first 10 days are ABSOLUTELY
FREE! Each day of telekinesis after that is only 990 yen a day!
So call now! We’ll even stick in five days of clairvoyance, FREE!
[The words “For entertainment purposes of anime fans only. Must be in
high school. Company has no liability for anything whatsoever. Just
consider yourself lucky if your head doesn’t explode like in “Scanners”.
You still can’t sue us.”]
GAG: Just remember, call the Neo-Tokyo Psychic Network NOW! Solve all
your problems!!