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.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. | The Nameless Sequel
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---,-'-{@ The Nameless Sequel was composed by Mike Loader. @}-'-,---
Characters and Backstory are the products and property of the illustrious
Rumiko Takahashi (as if you didn't know). Ranma=Her's, okay? Good.
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Please do not post, publish, distribute, or adapt this fic in any way
without permission from the author.
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EPISODE 3 - A Hard Day's Night
(Scene opens on the Tendo living room, late afternoon. Nabiki and
Akane are seated on the sofa, talking.)
Akane: I'm almost worried about him, Nabiki. He hasn't eaten
anything all day, and he even turned down the cake Kasumi made.
Normally we'd have to beat him off of it with a stick.
Nabiki: I'm sure he's fine. Maybe he just wasn't hungry today....
Akane: (snorts) Oneechan, Ranma not being hungry is like the
ocean not being wet. He doesn't look ill, though...and he never gets
sick anyway. And then he was gone all this morning. Either he's in
some sort of trouble, or the baka's trying to put something over
on me.
Nabiki: (after thinking) Well, maybe he's, uh, on a diet.
Akane: (exasperated) Why on earth would he do that? He hasn't got
an ounce of fat on him!
(Ranma, looking rather happy, enters from the hall. He spots
Nabiki and waves.)
Ranma: Yo, Nabiki! I got it!
Akane: Got what?
Ranma: (noticing Akane) Uh, a job. With Animal Control. I start
tomorrow.
Nabiki: Animal Control? I thought we agreed on having you sign up
to test that company's bulletproof vests....
Ranma: Yeah, but this one pays more! And it really sounds like my
kinda thing; y'know, out in the fresh air, lots of healthy exercise,
subduing menaces to the city. They even gave me a pay advance...
(He pulls out a check. Nabiki jumps over and snatches it from him
to examine.)
Nabiki: Let's see, for one week's work you make...(her eyes go
wide)..this has got to be a typo or something...
Ranma: (proudly) Nope. Oh, is Kasumi around? They gave me this
uniform, and the last guy who had it musta had a nosebleed or
something...
(Akane, who has just been staring at the two of them, frowns.)
Akane: Ranma, why were you looking for a job to begin with?
Ranma: Well, I just felt kinda guilty about freeloading off you
guys all the time, and I sorta want to pay my own way.
Akane: (skeptically) That's very thoughtful of you, but why on
earth Animal Control? You won't last a day!
Ranma: (bristling) Oh yeah? And why not?
Akane: Your job is to round up animals, yes?
Ranma: Yup. Dogs, bears, elephants....
Akane: Cats....
Ranma: (turning pale) No, I don't think I'd have to go after cats. I
mean, not cats....
Akane: Ranma, that's what Animal Control people do. They round
up stray animals, and, well, most stray animals are dogs or cats.
Ranma: (sweating) Well, I'd better go tell Mr. Sugita that I can't
take the job...
Nabiki: (smugly) Too late. You've already been paid for a week's
work, remember?
Ranma: Oh no...
Nabiki: Endorse this, please...(she hands the check to Ranma, who
absently signs it)...I'd better go cash this before the bank closes.
Bye!
(She leaves. Akane turns to Ranma, a look of concern on her face.)
Akane: You don't look so good, Ranma. Do you want me to make you
something to eat?
Ranma: (still in shock) Sure....
(Akane's face lights up with surprised happiness over his
unexpected acceptance.)
Akane: Well, just come with me into the kitchen, and I'll make you
a nice warm bowl of soup.
Ranma: (dazed) Okay...
(Akane leads him into the kitchen, and sits him down in a chair.
She then goes to a cupboard, and begins tossing ingredients into a
mixing bowl. The camera quickly pans outside the kitchen window,
where a short, black-clad figure lurks.)
Sasuke: (speaking into a radio) They're both in the kitchen,
Mistress. The girl appears to be conducting some sort of
chemistry experiment...
Radio: Excellent, Sasuke! Take your postion at the front gate, and
keep an eye out for anyone who might interfere.
Sasuke: Understood. Over and out.
Radio: Right. Goodbye, Sasuke.
(He stealthly proceeds to the front gate of the dojo, concealing
himself behind some bushes. Before long, the radio crackles
again.)
Radio: I can see them sitting together at the kitchen table. We're
going in through the window. Make sure no one interferes.
Sasuke: Yes, Mistress. Good luck.
(He crouches back down, waiting. Suddenly, the door to the dojo
opens, and Ranma and Akane walk out.)
Ranma: Soup, Akane. How did you manage to burn _soup_? You'd
better hope the EPA never finds out about you...
Akane: (angry) You could have at least tried it!
Ranma: (incredulous) Tried it? It was on fire! The bowl was
melting! And I didn't like the look of that portal the fumes were
forming...
Akane: (irritated) It was only a tiny portal. And the chanting
wasn't _that_ ominous...
Ranma: Damnit, Akane, good cooking isn't supposed to break the
laws of reality!
(Something clicks in Sasuke's mind.)
Sasuke: Wait a minute...if they're here, then who's....(fumbles for
radio) Mistress! Wait! Stop!
(Outside the window, Kuno and Kodachi are crouched, looking at
the two seated silhouettes in the kitchen. Each holds a handful of
some kind of powder.)
Kodachi: Remember, brother dear. Toss the powder in her face, and
stare straight at her. Ready?
Kuno: I am ready. Soon, my love, you shall come to your senses!
(They vault through the window, grab each figure, spin them
around, and throw the powder in their faces.)
Kodachi & Kuno: My darl...WHA?
Figures: AhCHOO!
(The titanic sneeze blows much of the powder back into Kuno &
Kodachi's shocked faces. Both pairs freeze, staring at each other.
The stares, however, quickly fade to dreamy expressions of
bliss...)
(Scene changes to a street in Tokyo. Ryoga is running along it
aimlessly.)
Ryoga: (panting) Must....get....back to....Nerima!
(He stops, and grabs a lanky student walking by.)
Ryoga: Where is Furinkan High School!?!
Saburo: (blinking) Oh no, Hibiki.....Um, the high school? Just go
three blocks up, catch a bus, get off at stop number 23, and go
two blocks north. You can't miss it.
Ryoga: (releasing him) Thank you. (loudly) Akane, I'm coming!
(He dashes off. Saburo stares after him.)
Saburo: (calling) No, three blocks the _other_ way....(shrugs) Oh
well. I tried.
(He walks on, absently kicking a bit of litter.)
Saburo: Wonder why he's so eager to get back to Furinkan?
Probably wants to fight Saotome again, and destroy half the
school in the process. Should be fun to watch, from a...
safe...distance....
(He comes to a dead stop.)
Saburo: I'm going to have to work with Ranma for at least a week.
An entire week. (looks hopeful) Maybe Hibiki won't find us?
(Thunder rumbles, and it begins to rain.)
Saburo: (glumly) This is what I get for not visiting Grandmother's
shrine, I suppose. Thanks, Grandma.
(Scene changes to Ucchan's. Ukyo is serving an elderly couple a
plate of okonomiyaki when the door opens, revealing a soaked
Ranma-chan and Akane. Ukyo hurries over.)
Ukyo: Ranchan! Akane! Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?
(This gets her glares from both of them. Ukyo chuckles.)
Ukyo: Sorry. Just teasing. Come on, I've got a table for both of you
right over here.
(They follow her to a small booth in a corner near the stove. Ukyo
pulls up a chair, and straddles it.)
Ukyo: So, Ranchan, what brings you by again?
Akane: "Again?"
Ranma: (warning look at Ukyo) Um, just trying to get something to
eat in out of the rain. (sour look) Funny how it always seems to
pour buckets down with little or no warning around here....
Akane: You should take a hint from Ryoga and start carrying an
umbrella around with you. You could certainly use it more than
him.
Ranma: (grinning) I wouldn't be so sure of that.
Akane: What's that supposed to mean?
Ranma: Um....
Akane: (laughing) Oh, right. He's really P-chan with a Jusenkyo
curse.
Ukyo: (looking surprised) He is? Boy, that explains a lot. Actually,
I'm surprised I didn't figure it out before.
Akane: I'm joking, Ukyo. Of course he isn't. Right, Ranma?
(Ranma has suddenly become very interested in her placemat.)
Ukyo: So, what'll you have?
Ranma: The usual.
Akane: Two specials.
Ukyo: I'll have the waiter bring them. (half-turns in her chair)
Tsubasa!
Chair: Yes?
(Ukyo gives a strangled yelp, jumps up, and spatulates the chair
into the kitchen.)
Ukyo: (grimly) I'm going to kill him one of these days. Ranma, you
don't know what it's like having a crossdressing lunatic obsessed
with you, constantly doing bizzare things to gain your attention..
..Akane, why are you giggling?
Akane: (innocently) Nothing.
Ukyo: He's been even worse than normal ever since I made that
date for Wednesday...
Akane: (furious) RANMA NO BAKA!!!!
(She pulls the Mallet-O-Doom out and flattens Ranma.)
Akane: (stiffly) Sorry, Ukyo, but Ranma's busy Wednesday.
Ukyo: (slowly) My date isn't _with_ Ranma, Akane...
Akane: (blinking) It isn't?
Ukyo: Nope.
Akane: (small voice) Oh. Whoops.
Ranma: (from the floor) Violent, Kawaikunee tomboy...
Akane: (sweetly) You can have that one as a freebie, since I seem
to have jumped the gun a little.
(Ranma pulls herself up off the floor, and back into the booth.)
Ranma: So, who's the lucky guy, Ucchan? Anyone we know?
Ukyo: (coyly) Oh, just this guy. I don't think you know him.
Ranma: What form of martial arts does he practice?
Ukyo: I don't think he does.
(Ranma struggles to grasp the concept, and fails.)
Ranma: What, none? And you're going out with the guy?
Akane: (annoyed) A person's skill at hitting other people has
nothing to do with how good a date he'll be, Ranma. (to Ukyo) So,
what's he like?
Ukyo: (thoughtfully) Well....he's nice. Sort of ordinary, but
interesting. I don't really know him all that well.
Akane: Where's he taking you?
Ukyo: I'm not sure.
Ranma: (frowning) Doesn't sound like you know much about this
guy.
Ukyo: (thinking) <Is he....? Could he actually be _jealous_? He's
come in three times today....>
Ranma: Hello?
(Ukyo blinks, realising that she had been absently smiling at
nothing.)
Ukyo: Sorry. Just thinking. No, I suppose I don't know much about
him. This _is_ going to be our first date after all.
Ranma: (darkly) Well, he'd better treat you right, or I'll...
(Akane delivers a left hook to Ranma's jaw.)
Akane: (darkly) Baka. (warmly, to Ukyo) You'll have a wonderful
time, I'm sure. And you're going to have to tell me all about it,
afterwards.
Ukyo: Of course I will. Ranchan, would you like me to help you up?
Ranma: (from the floor) Ungh......
(A serving trolley wheels itself out of the kitchen, laden with
two platters of okonomiyaki. It pulls up beside the table.)
Trolley: Here you are.
(Ukyo takes the platters off the trolley and places them in front
of Ranma and Akane. The trolley wheels away towards the
kitchen.)
Akane: (staring) Tsubasa's getting pretty good with those
disguises.....
Ukyo: (sourly) Tell me about it. One day I discovered the grill was
really him midway through cooking an okonomiyaki. I understand
he's been recruited by the government for espionage work when he
graduates.
Ranma: (pulling herself back into her seat) Wonderful. England has
Bond, and we have Tsubasa. I'll sleep much easier tonight.
(Akane and Ranma turn their attention to the plates of
okonomiyaki. Ukyo watches contentedly, enjoying the sight of
people eating. Soon the platters are empty.)
Ranma: (sighing contentedly) That was wonderful, Ucchan. Thanks.
Ukyo: (beaming) No problem. (she pauses) Has Kasumi been ill or
something?
Akane: (surprised) No. Why do you ask?
Ukyo: I was just wondering why Ranma....
Ranma: (hurriedly) ...was so hungry? Well, um, I've, ah, been busy
today. Yeah.
(Akane looks at him suspiciously.)
Akane: You also haven't had anything else to eat today, that I've
seen.
(Ukyo wisely refrains from commenting.)
Ranma: Um. Well, it's getting dark. We'd better head back to the
dojo.
(They stand, and Ukyo walks them to the door.)
Ukyo: (cheerfully) Come again soon!
(Ranma waves, and they leave. Ukyo slumps down into a nearby
chair.)
Ukyo: Could he really be jealous? Or am I just reading things into
him?
(She sighs, and gets up. As an afterthought, she kicks the chair,
hard. It yelps.)
Ukyo: (snorting) Serves you right.
(Scene changes to a rather comfortable, if high-tech, room.
Around a table sit a rather odd assortment of people; a man in a
weatherbeaten black trenchcoat, another man with long black hair
and penetrating eyes, a robed girl with a mallet and a queer mark
on her forehead, a half cat/half something girl, and a grinning
fellow in a black uniform and cloak.)
Trenchcoat Guy: ...as the Nibek lunges forward, you suddenly see....
(The door bursts open, and Ryoga runs into the room.)
Ryoga: Where is Furinkan High School?!?
Black-hair: And who are you, barging in here?
Cat-girl: Ish-sweetie, I thought this place was locked?
Black-hair: It is. Was. Is.
Trenchcoat Guy: (sighing) Jeez....okay, go back to the Nexus, take
the (An) door to Nerima, and head downtown.
Ryoga: Thanks. Sorry.
(He charges out. The group stares after him.)
Trenchcoat Guy: Kergma, was that one of yours?
Black-Uniform: (looking innocent) Nope. Nothing to do with it.
(Open on the Tendo Dojo, early morning. The camera zooms in on
the living room, where Ramna is getting ready for work. Akane and
Nabiki are sitting at the table, watching amusedly.)
Ranma: Let's see.....cat repellant, tape recording of a doberman
barking, running shoes, good luck charm...
Akane: Your uniform's in on the dryer. I tried to get most of the
stains out, but some of them were a bit too saturated.
Ranma: (turning) You washed it? Why didn't Kasumi...
Nabiki: We haven't seen her today. I think she went off early this
morning to buy food.
Akane: Besides, I'm almost as good at washing as Kasumi.
Ranma: Huh. Well, thanks. If I'm gonna hafta go through hell, at
least it'll be in clean clothes.
(He walks out of the living room, heading for the dryer.)
Nabiki: (questioning look) Almost as good as Kasumi? It's not nice
to lie to your iinazuke, you know.
Akane: (defensively) I've gotten a lot better since last time.
(A scream of disbelief comes from the direction of the laundry
room.)
Nabiki: Uh-huh.
Ranma: (from a distance) It's as stiff as a board! What did you
_do_ to it!?
Akane: (calling) I think I might have put a bit too much starch in
it...
(Ranma walks into the room, clutching his uniform. It's been
nicely washed, ironed, and pressed. It also appears to have all the
flexibility of a concrete slab.)
Ranma: How am I supposed to wear this? I can't even bend it!
Nabiki: You could always staple it to the front of your clothes.
Akane: Well excuse me! I just put in one box too much. There's no
need to bite my head off!
Ranma: (despairingly) I should have known. Your laundry skills
just _would_ be even worse that your cooki[WHACK]unghtgntt.....
Nabiki: Nice swing, sis.
Akane: (putting her mallet away) Thanks. I don't know why I even
try to help that baka....
(She walks off. Nabiki chuckles, and goes into the kitchen,
returning with a glass of water. She pours it over Ranma's face.)
Nabiki: Rise and shine.
Ranma: (groaning) Ow *gurgle* okay, I'm awake! And female, thank
you very much.
Nabiki: I'll put a kettle on. In the meantime, go soak that uniform
of yours in the bathtub.
(Scene changes to the front of the Animal Control building, where
Saburo is dubiously examining the car assigned him. Chief Sugita
looks on proudly.)
Sugita: Yes, truly a fine vehicle. Take good care of it, Officer
Natami.
Saburo: I've never heard of a "Pinto" before....
Sugita: (grinning) Oh, it's very famous in the United States, I
understand. A very, ah, sensitive vehicle.
Saburo: (doubtfully) If you say so.
(He opens the door, which promptly falls off. Sugita hands him a
roll of duct tape.)
Saburo: Uh, sir? Where do we put the animals?
Sugita: Well, you have your choice. Either the trunk or the back
seat.
Saburo: (faintly) The back seat? Sir, doesn't that put the driver in
rather dangerous proximity to the animals?
Sugita: I suppose so. Maybe we'll put in a wire screen one of these
days. Anyway, your radio is mounted there on the dash. Just cruise
around the Nerima area, and wait for dispatch calls. And, of
course, if you see an animal causing trouble use your own
judgement.
(Ranma walks up, wearing his uniform. It's soaked, rumpled, and
is still as rigid as lead pipe in some places. He hesitantly throws
Sugita a rather sloppy salute, which Sugita returns.)
Sugita: (cheerfully) Ah, Officer Saotome! Ready to go out there and
keep the city safe?
Ranma: Yeah, I guess. Um, not many cats out today, are there?
Sugita: I wouldn't know. Well, I'll leave you two to your work.
Good luck, and try to return the car in one piece, or else.
(He walks off, leaving the two new Animal Control officers to
state at each other.)
Ranma: Uh, hi. Ranma Saotome.
Saburo: Saburo Natami. We have a class together, actually.
Ranma: Really? I thought you looked familiar. Have we ever
spoken?
Saburo: (thinks for a second) No, but Akane Tendo once hit you
with my desk. I was still in it at the time...and she once malleted
you into me at about 23 mph...and then there was the time she...
Ranma: Um. Right. Pleased to meet you.
(They solemnly shake hands.)
Ranma: So, we just drive around town?
Saburo: I think so. That and wait for dispatches. Actually, if it's
okay with you, I'll probably just find someplace shady to park
until we get a call.
Ranma: (grinning) Sounds fine. Shall we go?
Saburo: Sure. Be careful of the do...um. Here's the duct tape.
(After a brief taping session, they manage to get into the car.
Saburo coaxes the sputtering motor to life, and they head out into
the streets of Nerima. Ranma watches the driving process with
interest.)
Ranma: So that's how it's done. I always wondered how you made
the things speed up or slow down.
Saburo: (blinking) Haven't you ever been in a car before?
Ranma: Nope. A bus a couple of times, but never a car. Pop never
learned how to drive, and there aren't many autos in China. (he
watches with interest) So, you push the pedals to steer and turn
the wheel to increase speed, right?
Saburo: Something like that.
(The radio on the dash begins beeping insistantly)
Ranma: (reluctantly) I suppose that's for us. (he picks it up)
Hello?
Radio: Gargle nazbin fromide blender.
Ranma: Excuse me?
Radio: Mets hergmish ripgarg branflakes.
Ranma: I'm sorry, there's a bit of interference....
Saburo: (keeping his eyes on the road) See if there's a tuning knob
or something.
(Ranma fiddles with the radio.)
Radio: Giants 23, Kings 5. In other news...*crackle* "I love you,
Suki!" "And I love you, Shin!" "Suki!" "Shin!" "Suki!" "Sh*crackle*
unit 23? Mobile 23, are you there?
Ranma: Yeah, we're here...
Radio: Code 546-blue, corner of Fasa and Kurita streets.
Ranma: Uh, right! We're on it! (puts the radio back on the dash) Yo,
Saburo! What's a code 546-blue?
Saburo: (shrugging) I don't know. Is there a list or something in
the car?
Ranma: Lemme check....(he begins searching the floor, side
pockets, and glove box, finally pulling out a leather book with
teethmarks) Here we go...."Rules, Regulations, and Guidelines for
Officers, 6th edition". (flips through it) Camels, Carnivorous
Trees, Cujo....Aha! Codes, dispatch!
Saburo: So what's it say?
Ranma: "Code 546-blue : Rabid transvestite rhino creating
disturbance; reactor leak imminent."
(The car screeches to a halt.)
Saburo: (calmly) Say what?
Ranma: That's what it says. (looks relieved) At least it didn't
mention any cats.
Saburo: (glumly) Yeah, thank heaven.
(He steps on the gas, and the car speeds off. Well, maybe "speeds"
isn't the best word.)
Ranma: I wonder how we'll fit the thing in the trunk?
(The rear bumper falls off with a loud clatter as the car turns the
corner.)
END OF EPISODE 3
EPISODE 4 - Ask Not For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll...
(Scene opens on the Tendo Kitchen. Akane is cooking herself and
Nabiki breakfast. )
Nabiki: (staying towards the rear of the room) Uh, no offence
Akane...but can't Kasumi cook breakfast instead?
Akane: (annoyed) She could, but she's letting me do it.
(A pan bursts into green and puce flames on the stove. Nabiki
moves back even farther.)
Nabiki: Oh well...at least Ranma isn't here to get you started.
Akane: (scowling) He's left already? Without breakfast?
Nabiki: (nodding) Three hours ago.
Akane: (scowling) Probably being mean to some poor, lost,
helpless doggie or something....
(Scene changes to one side of the patrol Pinto. Ranma and Saburo
are crouched behind it; Saburo is clutching a long tube with a
trigger and handle at one end.)
Ranma: Think it's gone?
Saburo: Let me check.
(He takes off his uniform cap, sticks it on the end of the tube, and
raises it above the car. There's a *CRACK* and several bullets
whiz through it.)
Saburo: Nope. Still there.
Ranma: (eying the perforated cap) Good shot for an orangutang.
Saburo: Oh, apes have very keen vision.
Ranma: Yeah?
Saburo: Yup. Besides, I think he's got a laser sight on that rifle.
Looks like Darwin was right...
Ranma: (crouching) Cover me with the tranq gun. I'm gonna try to
take it out.
Saburo: (skeptically) Ranma, it's a 250-pound wild animal.
Ranma: Exactly. If I close with it, it doesn't stand a chance.
>From Over the Car: (defiantly) Ook!
Saburo: Good luck, man.
(They clasp hands, and Saburo begins firing steadily over the car
as Ranma darts out. Change to a street in Nerima, where Shampoo
is seen to be walking home.)
Shampoo: (to herself) "I would like to order a blue sofa." "This is
not socially appropriate." "Let go of my...." Damn. What's the word
I'm looking for?
(She turns the corner, and literally bumps into Ukyo.)
Shampoo: Excuse me. Terribly sorry. Are you okay?
Ukyo: Yeah, tha...(eyes Shampoo)...Twin sister? Psychic clone?
Shampoo: (taking a deep breath and counting to ten) No, it's me.
Shampoo. I've just been taking language lessons.
Ukyo: (impressed) No kidding? Wow. I couldn't learn that fast if
my life depended on it.
Shampoo: (shuddering) Bets? Anyways, have you seen Ranma?
Ukyo: He was in for dinner last night, with Akane.
Shampoo: (narrowing her eyes) That so?
Ukyo: (sighing) Shampoo...you don't have any chance with him.
Shampoo: And you do?
Ukyo: (sadly) No...I don't think I do either.
(A beaten up, heavily duct-taped Pinto swerves past, careening
drunkenly. Greyish-pink tentacles extend from the rear windows.)
Person in Car: Aagggghh...it's got the wheel! Do something!
Person in Car 2: Hang on, Saburo! I'm gonna try to knock it out!
MOKO TAKABISHA!
(Blue light flares from inside the car.)
Person in Car: Gah! You got squid ichor all over me!
Person in Car 2: Sorry....
(It turns the corner. Shampoo and Ukyo stare after it.)
Shampoo: (after a minute) That wasn't....?
Ukyo: (firmly) No. Couldn't have been.
(Scene changes to the living room of the Tendo home. Akane and
Nabiki are cleaning, rather awkwardly.)
Nabiki: (slightly dazed) Explain again how we wound up doing this.
Akane: Kasumi came home, asked us to clean the downstairs
rooms, and smiled at us.
Nabiki: Oh yeah. (musing tone) I wonder if she'd agree to help me
negotiate a few deals...
Akane: (snorting) Not a good idea, sis. They'd make their opening
offer, and she'd just smile and say, "Okay!".
Nabiki: True, but if I did most of the dealing and had her beam at
them and say, "Please?" at a signal...
(The door opens, and in staggers a shell-shocked looking Ranma.
His uniform is tattered, and he's bleeding from a dozen small
cuts.)
Akane: (appalled) Ranma! What happened!
Ranma: (distant voice) The rhino wasn't so tough, even in that pink
tutu...the rabid wolverine stuck in the drain pipe was a bit
harder...the giant mutant turtles were a real chore.....but the
lion....they shouldn't have shaved it, it just made it mad.....I just
froze.....if Saburo hadn't hit it with the car, it woulda killed me...
Nabiki: (sympathetically) Yeah, I've had days like that.
Ranma: (grabbing her by the shirt) I'm not going back, okay?! There
isn't anything on earth that could make me go back!
Nabiki: (whispering in his ear) Pity. Then I'd have to tell Akane
where you've been eating lately.
(Ranma thinks this over.)
Ranma: Maybe a few more days won't hurt.
Nabiki: (slipping out of his grasp) I thought you'd see it my way.
Akane: (doubtfully) I don't know....it sounds awfully dangerous..
Genma: (seemingly appearing from nowhere) A true martial artist
never backs down from any challenge, no matter how ridiculously
suicidal it may be. You'll stick with this job, son. After all, where
would your uncle Kenhi be if he had refused to battle the Ivory
Yodeling Demon of Nanking?
Ranma: Alive, from what I understand.
Genma: True, but all Nanking reveres his memory, and flowers are
placed yearly on the seventeen places that the Demon left him. He
is a legend. This, boy, is the true reward of the Art.
Ranma: Being ripped to pieces by Yodeling Demons? Maybe it's not
too late to become a shoe salesman....
(The door opens, and Soun enters. There's something rather odd
about him...he's lost the tired, haggard look that he's had in the
past few episodes.)
Soun: (happily) Ah, my family and that of my good friend, gathered
together. I have wonderful news for you all.
Genma: (perking up) Dinner's early today?
Soun: Even better, Saotome-kun. I'm getting married!
(Facefaults all around.)
Ranma: (hesitantly) Congratulations, Mr. Tendo...
Genma: Tendo-kun, you sly dog! (slaps Soun on the back)
Akane: (uncertain) Uh, Daddy? To who?
Nabiki: (reflexively) How much money does she make?
Soun: (laughing) One at a time! (turns to Akane and Nabiki) How do
you girls feel about this?
Akane: Well, we're happy for you, Daddy...but isn't this a little
fast? I mean, we haven't even met....her....yet.
Soun: (frowning) I think you have, actually....dear, why don't you
come inside.
(The door opens and Kodachi enters.)
Kodachi: (smiling at Akane) Just call me "Mom".
(Akane and Ranma stare in disbelief. Nabiki's eyes roll up in her
head; she gives a little moan and faints. Genma leers at Kodachi
approvingly.)
Ranma: (stammering) M-Mr. Tendo, y-you can't be serious.....
Kodachi: I know this must hurt, Ranma, but try to understand...
(Akane's mouth opens, closes, then opens again.)
Genma: (slapping Soun enthusiastically on the back) A beautiful
bride, old friend. You haven't lost your touch.
Soun: Thank you. Will you be our best man?
Akane: (calmly) Excuse me. Daddy?
Soun: Yes, dear?
Akane: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING OF? SHE'S MY AGE, FOR
GOD'S SAKE! AND SHE'S A PSYCHOTIC MENTAL CASE WHO'S TRIED
TO KILL ME AND MARRY RANMA! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?!
Kodachi: (frowning) Soun-sama, I don't think your daughter likes
me.
Soun: (stage whisper) I think she's a bit jealous. (to Akane) Now
sweetheart, I know this might get some taking used to, but I think
you'll learn to love your stepmother as much as I do.
Akane: LOVE HER? LOVE HER? I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER LEARN TO
TURN MY BACK ON HER!
Ranma: (conciliatory tone) Um, Akane....
(Akane spins around to face him, blue aura from hell lighting up
the room.)
Akane: YOU! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, SOMEHOW!
Ranma: (indignantly) Me? Me? It's not my fault your dad has an
even worse fiancee than I do!
Akane: BBBBBAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
(Ranma is transmuted into a big hole in the wall.)
Kodachi: (amused) They're so cute when they're this age. Also
destructive. I can see that stiffer....disipline....will be required.
(Akane storms out of the room, running upstairs to Kasumi's room.
She flings open the door to find Kasumi on the phone.)
Kasumi: (sweetly, in flawless English) No, Mister Mulder, I haven't
been anywhere near Nevada. Or an "Area 51". (giggles) Aliens?
How silly. What? Yes, I suppose the truth is out there....all right.
Bye! (she hangs up and turns to Akane) Is something wrong, Akane-
chan?
Akane: (almost in tears)Oh Oneechan, Daddy's getting married!
Kasumi: (gently) Oh, Akane...he can't mourn mother forever...I know
this must seem hard, but...
Akane: I don't mind the fact that he's marrying! But he's marrying
Kodachi Kuno!
Kasumi: I suppose she is a little unstable...
Akane: (muttering) ...And the Great Wall of China is a big fence...
Kasumi: ..but has he seemed happy?
Akane: (aback) I suppose so.....
Kasumi: Maybe they'll be good for each other.
Akane: (appalled) Oneechan, this is Kodachi we're talking about.
The person who tries to kill me and drug Ranma. The girl who
makes Charles Manson look like Mr. Rogers. _That_ Kodachi.
Kasumi: But if she's marrying Daddy, she won't need to do those
things anymore, will she?
(Akane thinks for a second.)
Akane: Will you at least go downstairs and talk about it with him?
Kasumi: (smiling) Of course.
(They descend the stairs and enter the living room. Ranma, still a
bit battered, is pouring cold water on Nabiki's face in a effort to
wake her up. Genma, Soun, and Kodachi are making plans for the
wedding.)
Akane: (nudging Kasumi) Well? Talk to him.
(Kasumi walks over, pulls Soun aside, and speaks with him.)
Nabiki: (coming to, woozily) Ohhh....Ranma, I had the most
interesting dream......
(Soun nods and embraces Kasumi, who then turns to the rest of
the room.)
Kasumi: Daddy and I have decided that we'll have a double
wedding.
Ranma & Akane: No way am I marrying this....HEY!
Kasumi: (laughing) Not yours. Mine.
(Everyone stares at her.)
Akane: What?
Kasumi: (blushing) He finally worked up the courage to ask
me....you know how shy he is.....
Ranma: Yeah....I'm surprised he was able to put a coherent
sentence together with you there, let alone propose.
Nabiki: (slyly) I guess this'll really make Tofu the family doctor.
(Everyone chuckles at this, save Kasumi, who just looks puzzled.)
Kasumi: But he already is the family's doctor...
Nabiki: (rolling her eyes) Yes, but you marrying him....
Kasumi: (giggling) I'm not marrying him.
Nabiki: (looking confused) But you just said....
Kasumi: I'm marrying Tatewaki.
(Nabiki's eyes roll up, and she faints again. Ranma and Akane stare
at Kasumi in shock.)
Ranma: You....marry.....Kuno....you?
(Kasumi nods happily.)
Akane: (horrified) Why on earth would you want to do that to
yourself, Oneechan?
Kodachi: It does seem a rather unpleasant thing to do, daughter-
to-be. I inherited most of the family's good traits.
(Everyone except Soun and Kasumi looks dubious.)
Kasumi: (benign, oblivious smile) Oh, he's such a nice man. He says
the most romantic things, and he's very attentive. And very
proper, too.
Genma: Congratulations, Kasumi. What will you be serving at the
wedding feast?
Kasumi: I was thinking of having a glazed ham for the main
dish....and bacon-ball appetizers.....and maybe I'll get Shampoo
to do a pork ramen....
(Akane just stands there, looking alternately confused, upset, and
angry. Despite this, Ranma works up the courage to walk over to
her.)
Ranma: (taking her arm) C'mon, Akane. We gotta talk.
Akane: Not now....
Ranma: Now. It's about the weddings.
(Akane looks at him for a few seconds, then nods and follows him
upstairs to her room.)
Ranma: This is not normal.
Akane: (irritated) No, really? Is _that_ what you wanted to tell
me?
Ranma: No, I mean...aw, hell...look, neither your dad or Kasumi
should be showing any interest in the Kunos. And Kodachi's
obsessed with me....
Akane: You and your ego. Just because she tries to drug you and
sleep with you doesn't mean she's _obsessed_....
Ranma: (rolling his eyes) ...And Kuno is after both of us, despite
the fact that we send the jerk to the infirmary on a near-daily
basis. But Kasumi said that _he_ proposed to _her_.
Akane: (realization hitting her) You're saying that this isn't
normal.
Ranma: Yes! That's what I said!
Akane: Ah, but you didn't say it the right way.
Ranma: ...
Akane: So what could be causing it?
Ranma: Dunno...maybe Shampoo and the old troll cast a spell on
them or something...
Akane: (after thought) No....I wouldn't put it past either of them,
but it doesn't make any sense. Kasumi didn't want to marry you,
and Kodachi's been hanging around with Shampoo lately...
Ranma: You're right...hey, maybe they just hit the wrong target or
something. It's happened before...
Akane: Maybe...so what do we do? We can't just let them marry!
Ranma: (musing) Oh, I don't know....it would get Kodachi and Kuno
off my back....
Akane: (tightly) It would also put them in the same house as you.
And as "Mrs. Tendo", Kodachi would probably insist on cooking.
And finally, do you think that marrying Kasumi would slow Kuno
down? Being in love with more than one person has never bothered
him before. And you'll be living under the same roof as him.....
Ranma: (shuddering) The marriages have to be stopped! Come on!
(He turns to leave. Akane grabs his sleeve.)
Akane: Uh, Ranma...where are you going?
Ranma: I'm gonna go find out who I need to beat up.
Akane: Right. And how are you going to do this?
Ranma: Ummm.........ask?
Akane: Ranma, sometimes you make Kuno look like Stephen
Hawking.
Ranma: Huh. And you have a better idea?
Akane: (smugly) Yup. Instead of finding out who did it, we find out
how to cure it. And it just so happens that I know someone who
can do it. Someone who has a very effective motivation.
(Scene changes to the Nekohanten, late evening. All of the
customers have left, and Shampoo is cleaning up; scrubbing tables
and carrying dishes into the back. A sudden pounding at the door
causes her to look up.)
Shampoo: (loudly) We're closed!
Voice: It's Kodachi!
Shampoo: (happily) Ko-chan! One second!
(She walks across the room and opens the door. Kodachi enters, a
big silly grin on her face.)
Kodachi: Guess what, Shampoo! I'm getting married! I asked him,
and he agreed!
(Shampoo stares, dumbstruck. Finally, she picks up a bonbori.)
Shampoo: (sadly) I will have to fight you for him, you realize.
Kodachi: (frowning) Why? I thought you loved Ranma.
Shampoo: I do. And that's why I'm going to fight for him, much as I
dislike this.
Kodachi: (comprehending) Oh! No, Shampoo, you misunderstand. I'm
marrying Soun Tendo, not Ranma.
(Shampoo stares for a second time.)
Shampoo: You marry Soun Tendo!? Violent Girl's father? Why?
Kodachi: (dreamily) He's such a man...I can't understand what I
ever saw in Ranma...he's so immature, not like Soun-sama...
Shampoo: (hesitantly) Well....congratulations. I think.
Kodachi: Will you be the maid of honor at the wedding?
Shampoo: Of course....
(The two look at each other, and then giggle uncontrollably.)
Shampoo: ....as long as you're my maid when I marry Ranma.
Kodachi: (sobering) Of course. Now, how are we going to hook you
up with him?
Shampoo: (despairingly) I don't know. It seems I've tried
everything...(her voice hardens)...but that was when he thought I
was stupid. Now...now that I can actually talk.....
Kodachi: (sternly) You have been practicing, yes?
Shampoo: Yes! Listen; "The precipitation over Iberia descends
primarily in the low-lying grasslands."
Kodachi: By George, I think she's got it! AHaHahAHAhAHahaHa!
Cologne: (emerging from a back room) No demonic cackling after
business hours, girl. You're interrupting my meditation.
Kodachi: Meditation?
Cologne: Yes. A highly spiritual focusing used to relax the body
and mind.
>From the Back Room: In the name of the Moon, I shall punish you!
(Kodachi stares at Cologne, who slowly and with great dignity
walks into the back room and closes the door.)
Shampoo: (shrugging) Great-grandmother's a big fan. Even tried to
audition as a voice actress once.
Kodachi: Oh?
Shampoo: Yes. They offered to cast her as the voice of one of the
evil monster things.
Kodachi: She must have been upset...
Shampoo: Oh no, she was overjoyed. I believe she's in a couple of
the episodes.
Kodachi: (interested) Really? Which ones?
Shampoo: I don't know, I don't watch the show. All I remember
was that the main character whined a lot in each of the ones
great-grandmother was in.
Kodachi: That could be any of them, then...
Shampoo: She even had her own sailor suit made.
Kodachi: (picturing this for a second) I will never understand why
some people think _I'm_ odd....
(Scene changes to the Tendo kitchen. Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki are
sitting around the table.)
Nabiki: I can't believe I passed out like that. Twice.
Ranma: Why'd you do that, by the way? I mean, you're callous and
amoral and *thwack*
Akane: (putting away her mallet) That's my sister you're
discussing.
Nabiki: It's all right. I just had two thoughts hit me at once. First
of all, "Kodachi? This is horrible!". Secondly, "We just married
into half the Kuno fortune!". It was a bit too much to handle at the
same time. And then when Kasumi made her announcement...
Akane: So you'll help us break them up?
Nabiki: (twisting in her seat) Can't we wait until after the
wedding, when half the cash is legally ours?
Akane: (annoyed) No.
Nabiki: (wistfully) Oh well. It would have been nice to be
independently wealthy. I'll just have to talk Kuno into giving
Oneechan expensive pre-wedding gifts. Refundable ones.
Ranma: (rubbing his head) I'm gonna go change outta my uniform.
(As he leaves, Nabiki looks at Akane, a serious expression on her
face.)
Nabiki: Akane...I know this isn't a pleasant thought, but what are
we going to do if it turns out Daddy and Kasumi's...condition...is
permanent?
Akane: (shuddering) Adapt, I suppose. I'd rather not think about it.
Nabiki: I suppose...(she looks at the floor)...being in love has really
made Kasumi sloppy. There's flour or sugar or something on the
floor.
(She reaches down and gets some on her finger, and lifts it up.)
Nabiki: (sniffing it) It doesn't smell like eith....(her eyes glaze a
bit, and then come back into focus. She stares at Akane, a strange
expression moving across her face.)
Akane: Nabiki? Something wrong?
Nabiki: (staring at Akane) Wrong? Uh, no. Nothing. Gotta go, um,
shower. Yes. Cold shower.
Akane: I'll come with you. I'm a bit dirty myself...
Nabiki: (sweating) Uh....no, I don't think....
Akane: (puzzled) Are you sure? I can soap your back for you...
Nabiki: (gulping, blushing madly) Uh, got a appointment in town
with a, um, citrus merchant, uh, yeah, gotta run, bye!
(She runs out. Akane stares after her.)
Akane: I wonder what all that was about.
END OF EPISODE 4