Subject: [Fanfic] The Nameless Sequel, Episodes 1&2
From: Mike Loader
Date: 6/4/1997, 3:38 AM
To: fanfic@fanfic.com

   Here we go again....
   First off; as the name implies, this is a sequel to the Varaiyah Cycle
(also known as the Nameless Saga). While reading VC is not absolutely
necessary, it's still recommened to give you a better idea of recent
events. An older version can be gotten by sending a blank email to 
   nameless@ranma.net
   Or, if you're willing to wait a while, you can email me a request for
the more recent version.
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        | `--.  /  /_   .--` '-.  =======
        `---. |/     ) | .-. ._ \  .---.
        .---' /  /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. |    The Nameless Sequel
        `----'`-'  `---'`---'        .'.'
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---,-'-{@   The Nameless Sequel was composed by Mike Loader.  @}-'-,---
Characters and Backstory are the products and property of the illustrious
Rumiko Takahashi (as if you didn't know). Ranma=Her's, okay? Good.
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Please do not post, publish, distribute, or adapt this fic in any way
without permission from the author.
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A SPECIAL NOTE TO OUR TEXAN READERS: No part of the state of Texas is
portrayed in this fic. Me no Alamo, guys.
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(Lights come on upon a empty stage. A gong sounds, and an 
assortment of people troop in.)

Ranma and Ryoga: The threatened cloud has passed away,

Akane and Ukyo: And brightly shines the dawning day;

Tsung and Saburo: What though the night may come too soon,

Shampoo and Kodachi: There's yet a month of afternoon!

Kuno, Kasumi, and Tofu: Then let the throng...

Genma, Soun, and Hasigawa: Then let the throng our joy advance,

Nabiki: With laughing song...

All: With laughing song and merry dance.

(They glare at each other, bow to the audience, and stalk off.)

EPISODE 1 - A Suitable Case For Treatment

(We open on a business complex in Nerima. The camera pans 
inside, stopping before a door labeled, "Dr. Hasigawa, Psychiatric 
Therapy". Inside, Ukyo is lying on a couch talking to a elderly man 
in steel-rimmed glasses.)

Ukyo: (depressed voice) And then he just walked away. Right in 
the middle of my "Oh thank you for saving me" speech. To check 
on Akane. (her voice grows bitter) Always Akane.

(Flashback to the end of Varaiyah 8)

Ranma: (addressing the room) You, guards! Surrender, or the 
Warlord dies!

(The guards think this over, and stop fighting. Ranma walks over 
and unties Ukyo.)

Ukyo: Ranchan! I knew you'd come for me! I knew...

(She suddenly realizes that she's talking to his back; Ranma has 
gone over to check on Akane.)

Ukyo: .....

Ranma: You okay, Akane?

(Flashback ends. The man in the glasses kindly hands Ukyo a hanky 
to wipe her eyes with.)

Ukyo: I was the one being held prisoner! For all he knew I could 
have been tortured, or ravished, or...or... He didn't even ask! Not 
even a, "You okay?", or "Are you hurt?". He just cut the ropes, and 
off he went. (pleading tone) Why, Dr. Hasigawa? Why didn't he 
ask?

Hasigawa: (gently, slight Germanic accent) Why do you think?

Ukyo: (automatically) He was trying to impress Mr. Tendo with his 
concern...

(Hasigawa shakes his head and presses a button on his desk, 
causing an electrical jolt to run through the couch. Ukyo yelps and 
leaps a little, then turns to glare at him.)

Ukyo: Is that really necessary?

Hasigawa: Now, now, do not try to change the subject. What is the 
real reason Ranma went to check on Akane instead of you?

Ukyo: He loves her. (her eyes widen as she realizes what she just 
said) No, that's not what I meant....

Hasigawa: Isn't it?

(Ukyo thinks for a bit, then sags.)

Ukyo: (low tone) I guess it is.

Hasigawa: (straightening) There's something I want you to try. I 
want you to go on a date tomorrow.

Ukyo: (puzzled) Doctor, I've been trying to get a date with Ranchan 
for quite a while now....

Hasigawa: Not with Ranma. With someone else. Find some nice boy, 
go to a movie, have fun.

Ukyo: But...

Hasigawa: No buts. (sighs) Ukyo, you need to realize that this 
Ranma is not the only eligible male in the world. Go on a date. If 
nothing else, you'll probably get a free movie and a dinner out of 
it.

Ukyo: (hesitantly) I suppose so....(her voice hardens) I will! I'll go 
out, have a good time, and knock some lucky guy's socks off!

Hasigawa: Good. You've been making quite a bit of progress, Miss 
Kuonji. Hopefully we won't see anything like the Incident With The 
Poodles again. How did that turn out, by the way?

Ukyo: The judge let me off with a warning, and I had to pay for the 
damaged chainsaw and garden hose.

Hasigawa: Well, that's all behind you. I think we're done for today. 
Same time Thursday?

Ukyo: Sure. 

(She stands, walks towards the door, and suddenly turns, 
remembering something.)

Ukyo: Oh, Soun Tendo was going to stop by later today for his first 
appointment.

Hasigawa: Tendo....ach ja, he called just before you came to 
confirm. Thank you for recommending me.

Ukyo: (shaking her head) The man needs help, Doctor. I hope you 
can give it to him. (her expression turns curious) By the way, 
Doctor....which country were you born in? Switzerland? Germany? 
Austria?

Hasigawa: (puzzled) In Japan, of course.

Ukyo: Then where were you raised?

Hasigawa: Osaka.

Ukyo: But your accent....

Hasigawa: Oh, that. That's from my mother.

Ukyo: Where was she from?

Hasigawa: Hokkaido.

Ukyo: Never mind.

(Scene changes to the Tendo living room. Ranma and Akane are 
seated at the shogi board, playing a game. Judging from the smirk 
on Akane's face and the amount of sweat on Ranma's brow, the 
game isn't going well for him. Nabiki is artistically sprawled 
across most of the sofa, reading the newspaper.)

Ranma: Um......there! (moves a piece) Ha! Whaddya say to that, 
Akane?

Akane: (moving a piece) "I win" sounds like a good response. Care 
for another game?

Nabiki: (looking up) You just started playing three turns ago! 
Ranma, you have a true talent here. I've never seen anyone lose 
with such poise, speed, and certainty.

Akane: (kindly) Don't worry about it, Ranma. You just need a bit of 
practice.

Ranma: (muttering, embarrassed) I've bmnf plfsfing singhm wms 
thmghf...

Nabiki: Come again?

Ranma: (louder) I've been playing since I was four.

Akane: (aback) Oh dear....well, you must not have played often, 
then...

Ranma: (looking really embarrassed) Actually, me and Pop used to 
play for two minutes every day after dinner, until we came here.

Akane: Well, that must be it. If you only played for about two 
minutes, you must not have ever played any full games.

Ranma: They were all full games. Two minutes was all it took for 
Pop to beat me.

Akane: You're joking. I don't think it's possible for someone to 
lose that fast.....

Ranma: (morosely) That's right, rub it in...

Nabiki: (cheerfully) Don't take it so hard, Ranma. I lose all the 
time at games like that, with one or two exceptions...

Akane: (snorts) Yeah. She always wins at Monopoly, and for some 
reason she never seems to lose a game that she's bet money on.

Nabiki: (shrugging) Motivation is a wonderful thing....(Turns back 
to the newspaper) Hmm. Looks like the dockworkers are still on 
strike. They refuse to go back to work until someone gets rid of 
that animal that's been prowling the docks.

(Ranma turns pale.)

Akane: (skeptically) It's been three weeks since they reported 
that thing. Hasn't anyone tried to do something about it?

Nabiki: The police refuse to go anywhere near it, and the Army has 
been saying that it's too small a problem for them to bother with, 
and then turns around and insists that they aren't equipped with 
heavy enough ordinance to deal with it. I believe that the whole 
thing's been handed over to animal control.

Ranma: Just as long as that damn cat never comes within a mile 
of me.

Akane: (scoldingly) You can't still think it's Felix, can you? That 
kawaii little kitty? She wouldn't hurt a fly!

Ranma: (shudders) Tell that to Ryoga. You saw what it did to him, 
on the ship...

Nabiki: (interrupting) Where is Ryoga, anyway? He hasn't tried to 
kill you in days...

Ranma: He went on some sorta training journey. He's just too 
scared of Felix and Kasumi to stay in Nerima right now.

Akane: (puzzled) Why on earth is he scared of Kasumi, anyway? 
That makes even less sense that being scared of a cat.

Ranma: She _did_ almost kill me a few weeks ago, ya know....

Akane: Ranma, you know that wasn't her fault.

Nabiki: (shuddering) That's for sure. Trust me, it was like 
becoming a whole different person. And she did apologize 
afterwards....

Akane: Besides, Ryoga never even saw Kasumi while she was under 
the tea's influence. Now, I could understand why P-chan would be 
scared of her. That would make sense. But Ryoga...(she shakes her 
head)

Nabiki: Perhaps P-chan is really Ryoga with a Jusenkyo curse. 
Heck, that's it! Ranma probably knocked him in, which is why 
Ryoga wants to kill him, and Ranma is keeping quiet about it 
because he feels guilty.

(Silence. Ranma looks at Nabiki in horror, while Akane, her eyes 
unreadable, stares at her sister.)

Ranma: Um....er, I can explain...

(Suddenly Nabiki and Akane break into peals of hysterical 
laughter.)

Akane: (giggling) Good one, oneechan. Ryoga P-chan...(she starts 
laughing again)

Nabiki: (wiping her eyes) And some people say I don't have a sense 
of humor.

Ranma: (relieved) Uh, yeah. Haha! That was really, um, funny. Um.

Nabiki: (winking at him) Glad you enjoyed it so much.

(As Ranma gives her an uncertain look, Kasumi, clad in her usual 
spotless apron, emerges from the kitchen with a plate of cookies. 
The Happy-Kasumi expression is firmly in place, and grows 
brighter as she sees the trio's eyes light up in anticipation.)

Kasumi: (placing the plate on the coffee table) Enjoy. Just make 
sure you have room left for dinner.

(Ranma makes a quick grab for the cookies, and mutters his 
thanks around a mouthful.)

Akane: Um, Oneechan, what will you be making tonight?

Kasumi: (brightening) I thought sweet and sour pork would...

(Akane, Nabiki, and Ranma groan in dismay.)

Ranma: Kasumi, *chew* your cooking's great and all, but this is 
like the 23rd day in a row that you've *swallow* made some kind 
of pig for dinner.

Kasumi: (smiling but puzzled) I thought you liked ham...

Nabiki: We do, and your food is always wonderful...

Ranma: ...and unlike Akane's, never becomes sentient...

(Akane absentmindedly punches him in the stomach, doubling him 
over.)

Nabiki: (continuing) ...but there is such a thing as too much. We'd 
just like a change.

Akane: Besides, it isn't always the best choice for a meal. Like 
the time daddy had that friend of his over for dinner.

Kasumi: (puzzled) The glazed ham I made for them was very nice, I 
thought...

Nabiki: (exasperated) Oneechan, the man was an ordained Rabbi.

Kasumi: (slightly crestfallen) Oh. Well, I suppose I could make 
chicken tonight instead...

Akane: (politely) Could you? Please?

(Kasumi pauses for a second, then laughs.)

Kasumi: Of course I will. I have a few recipes for chicken that I've 
wanted to try out for some time now, anyway.

Nabiki: Thanks, oneechan.

(Kasumi nods, and turn to face Ranma, who is lying folded over on 
the floor clutching his stomach.)

Kasumi: (reprovingly) I'm glad you like my cookies, Ranma, but 
you've got to learn to eat slower if you don't want to get 
stomachaches.

(She starts to leave, then turns around.)

Kasumi: I'm going to run down to the store. Could you three make 
sure Daddy leaves for his appointment with the doctor on time?

Nabiki: (sighing) Yeah, sure. Maybe we can even get Mr. Saotome to 
walk him down there.

Kasumi: (brightening) Oh, what a good idea! Daddy's very nervous 
about this, you know...

Akane: Trust me, we know. I have no idea why...

Nabiki: He needs it, though. I haven't seen him break down with 
such frequency since mom...(she pauses)...well, he's been under a 
lot of stress lately.

Kasumi: (clucking) He does worry so....well, have fun. Ranma, 
there's a bottle of the pink stuff in the medicine cabinet if you 
want.

Ranma: (gasping for air) Ungh....

(Scene changes to a empty stretch of concrete road leading 
through a barren desert. The dry wind blows clouds of dust across 
the plain, and the occasional ball of tumbleweed rolls past. The 
camera pans further up the road, where a familiar looking fellow 
in a yellow and black bandanna trudges onward.)

Ryoga: Must...find...water...

(He stops before a wooden sign, and bends down to read it. It says, 
in large print, "WELCUM TOO BEUTIFULL MUCCAWINNA. POP. 
2300(crossed out) 1823(crossed out) 1230 AN STILL GROWING!")

Ryoga: At last! A center of civilization in this benighted 
wilderness of (he pulls out a map and checks it) Kyushu. (he 
frowns) I didn't know Japan had any deserts.....

(He shrugs, and continues on his way. As he walks off, a large ball 
of tumbleweed blows away, revealing another sign behind it. This 
one reads, "DON'T LET THE SUN SET ON YER HEAD IN MUCCAWINNA, 
(a long list of derogatory ethnic terms follows), OR ELSE.")

Ryoga: I wonder why the sign was in English......maybe there's an 
American military base here.

(He crests a hill, and stops. The town of Muccawinna lies below, 
boasting three brick buildings, two Model T's, and a few dozen 
decrepit wooden structures in various states of collapse.)

Ryoga: (dubiously) Not much of a place...I'll just get a drink, ask 
for directions, and be on my way. (his eyes harden) I shall conquer 
my fear of Kasumi, defeat Ranma, and claim Akane! And then, I 
shall get rid of that _thing_ roaming the docks! (he pauses) Well, 
maybe not that. Mustn't get unrealistic. (he gets a dreamy look) 
Akane will marry me, and we'll have lots of children, and a big 
house.....

(He walks down the hill and enters the town proper. The locals, 
dressed in overalls, jeans, denim, stetsons, and cowboy boots, 
stare at him in a unfriendly fashion. Ryoga gives them all a polite 
smile and a nod, and walks on. Passing an newspaper stand 
showing the day's headline ("Lindbergh Lands in Paris!"), he stops 
before an elderly man sitting on a bench.)

Ryoga: (politely, in English) Excuse me, sir. Do you know the way 
to a place of refreshment?

Old Man: Whut? Whuzzat?

Ryoga: I'm sorry?

Old Man: Whut d'yew whant?

Ryoga: I'm looking for a place to get a drink.

(The old man deliberates for a while, popping a piece of tobacco in 
his mouth and chewing it loudly and noisily while staring at him. 
Finally, the man spits a stream of tobacco juice onto Ryoga's 
shoes and points down the street.)

Old Man: Saloon's ovur thut way.

Ryoga: (stiffly) Thank you.

(He walks over to the indicated building, and enters. The buzz of 
noise and raucous laughter in the bar cuts off as soon as he opens 
the door, and the clientele slowly turn to stare at him. Undaunted, 
Ryoga walks up to the bartender.)

Ryoga: One soda, please.

(The bartender just stares at him. Three locals get up from their 
seats and walk over.)

Local 1: Yew ain't from around these parts, are yew, boy?

Local 2: Course he ain't, Jim-Bob. Heck, we know everyone in 
taown, an we'da seen him long fore this. 'Less ocourse he's the 
guy thut Joe-Ted's bin keeping locked up in the attic...

Local 1: Ah know, John-Tim, but yewr supposed tew ask them that. 
It's parta the routine.

Local 3: Mah turn. (he turns back to Ryoga) We don't go fer yewr 
kind round these parts.

Local 1: (admiringly) Thut wuz perfect, Jean-Claude. Beutiful 
inflection, just the right hint o' menace, an uh wonderful looming 
pose.

Local 3: Thank yew. I bin practising.

Ryoga: (politely) I liked it too.

(The three stare at him for a few seconds.)

Local 1: Wanna lynch him?

Local 2: Yup.

Local 3: Let's make it quick, though. Ah gots mah poetry reading in 
half an hour.

Bartender: The rope's out back, boys. An bury the body this time, 
ain't healthy tew just leave it lyin around.

(They close in on Ryoga, who looks puzzled.)

Ryoga: Did I do something wrong?

Local 2: Yew gonna squeal lak uh pig afore we git done wit you, 
boy...

(Ryoga's eyes go hard, and the blue aura comes on.)

Ryoga: (quietly) Did you just call me a pig?

Local 1: Hell yeah! Yah know, he really duz look lak uh pig. Lookit 
that face...

Local 3: An the shape uh him, jus lak uh porker...

Ryoga: (glowing) IT WAS A MISTAKE TO MAKE ME UNHAPPY!

(Switch to a hill outside the town. Two dour faced sheep ranchers 
are staring down at the town with impassive expressions.)

Rancher 1: It's hot. Hot day.

(The other man considers this.)

Rancher 2: Yup.

Ryoga's Voice: (from a distance) Chaos Butterfly Weather Point!

(The sky, previously clear, suddenly fills with dark storm clouds. 
A huge funnel cloud forms over the bar, and bolts of lightning 
blast down upon the hapless structure.)

Rancher 2: Looks like rain.

Rancher 1: (after deliberation) Yup.

(With a thunderous roar, a aurora borealis style plasma discharge 
blasts down into the bar, sending shockwaves blasting through the 
town. When the dust clears, half the town has collapsed, and 
Ryoga is standing in the middle of the wreckage of the bar, 
untouched.)

Rancher 1: (spitting profoundly) Them aliens again.

Rancher 2: Third time this month.

Rancher 1: They took five of my sheep last time. Almost fergot to 
pay, too.

Rancher 2: Was that Um-Gonxyt and his boys?

Rancher 1: Naw, it was Tfghxyyyt from the cloud nebula.

Rancher 2: (spitting) I don't do business with them cloud nebula 
folks. Almost as bad as Californians.

Ryoga: (blinking) Whoops. Need to learn a bit of control.

Local 1: (blackened and pinned under a timber) Ah'll say...

Ryoga: Soon Ranma....you will fall, and Akane shall be mine! 
MUAHAHAHAHA (he stops, looking a bit embarrassed) Um. Sorry.

(Scene changes to a room in the Kuno mansion. Kodachi and 
Shampoo are seated in front of a Maj-Jongg board, playing a 
game.)

Shampoo: Look at bright side, Ko-chan.

Kodachi: What bright side? Ranma's not attached to either of us, 
Tendo and Kuonji are still sucking in air, and my brother has 
stepped up his picture orders from that little blackmail artist, 
Nabiki. Not to mention the homicidal cat-thing roaming the docks. 
The expedition wasn't exactly a resounding success, dear.

Shampoo: Yes, but wrinkled pervert and lost guy gone.....have not 
seen stupid Mousse for weeks, either. Peace and quiet a good 
thing, no?

Kodachi: It's rather unusual, yes....Shampoo, can I ask you 
something?

Shampoo: Shoot.

Kodachi: You're a reasonably intelligent, adaptable person. Why do 
you talk like that?

Shampoo: (surprised) Like what?

Kodachi: In broken Japanese. I mean, you've been making the same 
basic grammatical errors since we've met.

Shampoo: (puzzled) I talk perfect Japanese, Ko-chan. Bought tape 
when first decided to come, practiced every day. Tape made by 
Japanese firm, too.

Kodachi: (frowning) Can I hear it?

(Shampoo shrugs, and removes a cassette from her pocket. 
Kodachi walks over to a stereo, inserts it, and hits play.)

Tape: (<> indicates Chinese) <Good afternoon, class. Here is your 
lesson for today. "I would like to buy a basket of fruit."> "Me 
want fruit basket." <"I'm afraid I don't know."> "Not know that" 
<"Please fondle my...">

(Kodachi turns the tape off. She looks upset.)

Kodachi: Cretins! They gave you a pidgin Japanese course!

Shampoo: (aback) You mean....that not formal Japanese?

Kodachi: No! It's stereotyped Chinese-Person-Trying-To-Speak-
Japanese  speech! Didn't you ever wonder why none of the rest of 
us spoke like that?

Shampoo: (dazed) I thought was local dialect or something....OH NO!

Kodachi: (concerned) What is it, dear?

Shampoo: (upset) Ranma! Ko-chan, he must think Shampoo is idiot!

Kodachi: No problem. I'll teach you myself.

Shampoo: (dubiously) You?

Kodachi: Me. I'm an excellent teacher. Watch. (snaps her fingers) 
WALTER! Front and center!

(A servant scurries into the room.)

Servant: You called, Mistress Kuno?

Kodachi: Memorize the entire text of _The Tale of Genji_ by 
tonight. Or else.

Servant: (turning pale) Yes, Mistress Kuno.

(He scurries off.)

Kodachi: He will, too. You just have to learn how to motivate 
people. We'll have you speaking flawless Japanese before the week is out!

(The scene changes back to the Tendo living room. Akane, Nabiki, 
and Genma are trying to get a sobbing Soun ready for his 
appointment.)

Soun: (tearfully) You look after Akane now, Nabiki - make sure she 
dresses warmly...

Nabiki: Daddy, it's the middle of summer, Akane can dress herself, 
and you'll only be gone half an hour. Now pull yourself together.

Akane: (soothingly) You'll only be gone for a bit, and then you can 
come right home, and Kasumi will make you dinner.

Soun: (snapping back to reality for a second) Not pork again, I 
hope...

Genma: What's wrong with pork? Love it.

Nabiki: We had a talk with Kasumi, Daddy. She's making chicken 
tonight.

Soun: Chicken....(he bursts into tears)

Akane (whispers to Nabiki) Don't mention chicken! It's one of his 
sore points, remember?

Nabiki: (whispering back) It is?

Akane: (slightly annoyed) Yes! (pulls out about two dozen sheets of 
paper and hands then to Nabiki) It's #723. Didn't you read this 
month's list?

Nabiki: (abashed) Sorry.

Genma: (slapping Soun roughly on the back) Buck up, Tendo-kun. 
We'll go see this shrink, then go get blasted.

Soun: (brightening) Okay...

(The two leave. Akane turns to Nabiki, looking serious.)

Akane: I've never seen him this bad, Nabiki. He breaks down crying 
at the slightest little things, he's overprotective, he almost never 
leaves the dojo anymore...

Nabiki: (sadly) He was worse right after we lost mom...you were 
too young to really understand...he would just practice katas over 
and over, then suddenly run to see if we were all right, almost 
hysterical. You and Kasumi brought him out of it eventually...you 
still needed him, and Kasumi just kept everything running and 
acted like everything would be okay...(her voice breaks for a 
second)...and I kept the place afloat financially.

(The two sit in silence for a moment.)

Akane: But why has he been going downhill?

Nabiki: That's what I hope the doctor will be able to tell us. My 
own guess is that the parade of kidnappings, homicidal suitors, 
and dangers to us has something to do with it. Let's face it, that 
kind of thing would make any father a bit paranoid.

Akane: (grimacing) It's no fun from my standpoint either.

Nabiki: (poking Akane playfully) Just think of it as flattery.

(Scene changes to Ukyo's tiny apartment in back of Ucchan's. Ukyo 
is sitting in the overstuffed chair, going over a ledger.)

Ukyo: (tossing it down) A date. I need a date. Who do I know who's 
male and single?

(She leans back and folds her hands, thinking.)

Ukyo: Kuno? He's cute, but he's got an ego the size of the US 
national debt. No. Ryoga? Out of town, and I believe I'd rather rub 
lemon juice in a cut than date him. Tsubasa? (she breaks into 
hysterical laughter) Right. Mousse? Nice, if slightly goofy, but I'd 
never get him to go along with it as long as he still thinks he has 
a chance with Shampoo. Gosunkugi? (she shudders) That's a 
definite no. Keiichi? Wrong series. Hmm. This might be harder 
than I thought....

(Scene changes to the Great Hall in Varaiyah. Tsung, looking lordly 
and disinterested, is sitting on the ornate throne. Suddenly, a 
disembodied tinkling, as if many small bells were ringing, echos 
through the hall. The courtiers and servants look around 
fearfully.)

Servant: What is that noise? A spirit? A demon?

(Tsung removes a cell phone from his robes and snaps it open. The 
hall gives a sign of relief.)

Tsung: You have reached His Dread Potentness, the Warlord of 
Varaiyah. Who has the privilege of speaking with Us?

Phone: (hesitantly) Hi...you probably don't remember, but you held 
me prisoner and threatened me with torture unless I became your 
concubine a few weeks back...anyway, what are you doing next 
Saturday?

END OF EPISODE 1

EPISODE 2 - Opportunity Breaks Down The Door.

(Scene opens on a small cafe in Nerima. Kuno is sitting in a booth, 
sipping tea and radiating a calm impatience. Nabiki enters and 
sits down across from him.)

Nabiki: Hi.

Kuno: Good afternoon.

(They look at each other for a second.)

Nabiki: (thinking) <Hey, he's actually pretty cute...wonder why I 
haven't ever seen him as something more than a ready market?>

Kuno: (thinking) <Hmm. She is almost as lovely and fire-spirited 
as her sister or the Pig-Tailed Girl...why have I not seen in her a 
potential love before?>

Nabiki: So how's tricks, Kuno-baby?

Kuno: I am well. And how can you serve me today?

Nabiki: (thinking) <Oh, that's right. It's because he's a pompous, 
egotistical twit who thinks he's living in the 12th century.>

Kuno: (thinking) <Ah yes. It is because she is an impertinent, 
honorless blackmailer, with no respect for tradition or proper 
behavior.>

Nabiki: Photos, Kuno. Photos. Good ones. Only 5000 yen apiece, too.

Kuno: An outrageous sum. I shall not pay it.

(Nabiki leans over the table and whispers something in his ear. 
Kuno's eyes go wide.)

Kuno: (stammering) Pink ones?

(Nabiki nods. Kuno, with an effort, regains control of himself.)

Kuno: Indeed. Very well, I suppose your price is acceptable.

Nabiki: (smirking) I thought so. I think I'll have the beefbowl. 
You'll pay for it, of course.

Kuno: (wincing) Of course.

Nabiki: (thinking) <Lord, what a sap.>

Kuno: (thinking) <How I despise her!>

(Camera pans to the booth behind them. Ranma-chan, in sunglasses 
and a large-brimmed, tiger-striped hat, is looking rather 
annoyed.)

Ranma: (muttering) I thought so. Time for a friendly little chat 
with Nabiki.

(Scene changes to Ucchan's. The restaurant is full of customers, 
but Ukyo seems less than happy. In fact, she seems downright 
irritated.)

Ukyo (thinking) <I can't believe it. Everyone I've called has turned 
me down. Well, except for Tsung; he just sent kidnappers. Date 
yes, concubine no. It's not like I'm unattractive, or unpleasant.. 
..what is the problem here?> (aloud) Where on earth am I going to 
find a date before Thursday?

Voice: Um...hello? You're looking for a date?

(Ukyo turns to look at the owner of the voice, a lanky, rather 
ordinary looking boy with a vaguely hopeful look on his face.)

Ukyo: Um...yes, I am. And you are?

Saburo: (bowing slightly) Saburo Natami. I go to Furinkan high. 

Ukyo: (looking thoughtful) You look familiar...have we met before?

Saburo: Um, yes. I asked you once if you wanted to go get a soda....

Ukyo: (interested) What did I say?

Saburo: You, uh, yelled something about poodles and "Ranchan", 
and then hit me repeatedly with your spatula. 

Ukyo: (embarrassed) Oh. Sorry. You didn't catch me on one of my 
better days. Did I hurt you?

Saburo: (cheerfully) Mild concussion. Quite all right. I'm used to it.

Ukyo: Used to it?

Saburo: (wincing) I share a class with Akane Tendo, you see...

Ukyo: My sympathies. That must be painful.

Saburo: Oh, it's gotten much better since Ranma Saotome came. 
She hardly ever attacks anyone but him and Kuno-sempai anymore.

Ukyo: So I hear. (thinks) <He seems nice enough...> (aloud) So you'd 
still be interested in a date together?

Saburo: (startled) Yeah, of course...

Ukyo: (treating him to a blinding smile) Good. When's a good time 
for you?

Saburo: Well, 1997 is free...

Ukyo: Okay. Pick me up at 7 on Wednesday.

Saburo: Okay, um...

Another Customer: Service, please!

Ukyo: Business calls! See you Wednesday.

(She darts off. Saburo stammers and nods, and walks out in a 
daze.)

Saburo: I can't believe it! Ukyo Kuonji, going out with me! Me! This 
is wonderful! I'll take her to....

(He pauses in horror as a thought strikes him.)

Saburo: GAH! I have no money! How am I going to be able to take 
her anywhere? This is a nightmare! (he thinks) Loan from Nabiki? 
No way. Ask parents? They'll say no. Get a job? Hmm...well, 
desperate times call for desperate measures.

(Scene changes to the outside of the cafe. Nabiki is walking out, a 
contented look on her face. Ranma, in male form and sans hat and 
glasses, emerges behind her, and taps her on the shoulder.)

Nabiki: (turning) Wha? Oh, hi Ranma. What's up?

Ranma: Nabiki, I saw those pictures you just sold Kuno. And unless 
you can tell me that there's another good-looking redhead with a 
great chest that you're able to get photos of, I'm afraid I might 
hafta do something we'll both regret.

Nabiki: (grinning) What, to little old me? I doubt it. Anyway, I'm 
not going to be selling any more barely-clothed photos of you.

Ranma: (suspiciously) Huh? And why is that? Somehow I doubt 
you're stopping out of concern for my feelings...

Nabiki: I'm going to be selling him all-nude photos.

Ranma: Ah. I see. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put you 
in the hospital.

Nabiki: (disgustedly) Oh, they won't really be of you.

(Ranma gives her a blank look. Nabiki rolls her eyes and sighs.)

Nabiki: (patiently) Kuno has the intelligence of a lobotomized 
bullfrog. I'll buy a cheap men's magazine, cut out the pictures, 
paste them inside Polaroid frames, and sell 'em. As long as the 
head happens to be conveniently outside of the picture, he'll 
never know the difference.

Ranma: And those ones you just sold?

Nabiki: Oh, those were of you. I think I did a pretty good job of it, 
considering the cooperation I didn't get from my subject.

Ranma: (angrily) You've got some nerve, you heartless...

Nabiki: (breaking in) Me? Listen, Ranma. I work my butt off, and I 
hardly ever see a penny of it. When was the last time you saw me 
buy something, or go out to the movies? All the cash goes into the 
dojo. We're not in good shape at the moment, and a lot of it's your 
fault.

Ranma: Huh? I've been trying to keep Akane from busting holes in 
the place...

Nabiki: (wincing) ...which is no easy task, I know. But it's more 
than that. You eat enough for three normal people, and you don't 
bring in any money. What you do bring in is a steady stream of 
people who want to either kill or marry you, and kidnap us. It's 
not good on father. He's barely able to function at the moment, let 
alone run a business that was never very successful to begin with.

Ranma: Kasumi was saying something about how you guys might 
have money problems....

Nabiki: Kasumi, as always, was looking at the world through a 
rose-colored haze. We're in trouble, Ranma. I can't make ends 
meet much longer.

Ranma: (concerned) Is there anything I can do? I mean, to help 
with the money?

Nabiki: Yes. Get a part-time job of some sort, one that pays well. 
I'm sure that the market is full of jobs that require ridiculous 
feats of strength and speed. And since most of them are high-risk, 
you should make a bundle. Give most of it to us, keep a bit for 
yourself, and things will be a lot better.

Ranma: Okay, I can do that...anything else?

Nabiki: Well, there still is the food situation...(snaps her fingers) 
waitaminute! Aren't you able to freeload off Ukyo Kuonji?

Ranma: (embarrassed) Well, I wouldn't exactly call it 
"freeloading", but...

Nabiki: Oh, call it whatever you want. I want you to start eating 
there more. Three or four times a day, preferably.

(Ranma gives her a blank stare. Nabiki sighs.)

Nabiki: The more you eat there, the less you eat at the dojo. Which 
means we spend less on food, which means we save money, which 
means we don't go broke. Follow?

Ranma: Huh. I don't know if that's a good idea, Nabiki...if Akane 
finds out I'm spending a lotta time at Ucchan's, she'll kill me and 
tear down the dojo in the process.

Nabiki: (smoothly) Let me handle Akane. You just worry about 
finding work. I hear that they're looking for stuntmen, and a 
building project needs someone to place explosives.....do you have 
life insurance?

Ranma: What? No....

Nabiki: I'll help you fill out the forms tomorrow, with Akane and I 
acting as the beneficiaries. Thanks a lot, Ranma. Bye!

(She skips off. Ranma stands there for a second, looking rather 
dazed.)

Ranma: I sure told her off...

(Scene changes to Dr. Hasigawa's office. Soun is lying on the 
couch, while Genma sits in a chair and munches from a bowl of 
candy on a table. Hasigawa sits behind his desk, taking notes.)

Hasigawa: So, how long have you had these feelings of impending 
doom?

Soun: Oh, ever since my wife....(breaks into tears)

(Hasigawa waits for the crying fit to pass, handing him a hanky 
with a practiced air. Soun gratefully accepts, and becomes verbal 
again a few minutes later.)

Hasigawa: Let's start a bit more slowly. Do you have any hobbies?

Soun: Oh, yes! I play shogi with Saotome here every evening. (he 
beams happily) We've known each other for quite a while, he and I. 
Why, his son is engaged to marry my daughter, Akane....

(Another crying spell follows. Hasigawa turns to Genma, who is 
finishing off the last of the candy.)

Hasigawa: (softly) Is he always this bad?

Genma: (around a mouthful of candy) Fughdf gotten much murghf in 
the past fgds days...

Hasigawa: Beg pardon? 

Genma: (swallowing) It hasn't been all that bad until recently. 

Hasigawa: You've been keeping up a normal reaction to him, ja? 
You haven't been avoiding him?

Genma: Of course not. I win more games when he's like this!

(Soun finally regains his composure. Hasigawa looks kindly at 
him.)

Hasigawa: We'll just talk for a while, I think. (he casts about for a 
harmless topic) Um, what are you having for dinner?

Soun: Chicken...(crying fit)

Hasigawa: This is incredible. I've never seen anything like it 
before! Do you know what this means?

Genma: A large bill?

Hasigawa: No! Well, actually yes, that too, but it also means an 
essay in a major journal! Mr. Tendo, I want to start seeing you 
three times a week. With any luck, I'll win an award of some 
kind...oh yes, and maybe we can help you as well.

Soun: (tearfully) All right...

Hasigawa: (standing) Great! I'll see you the day after tomorrow, 
same time. Ja?

Genma: I'll come with him.

Soun: Are you sure, Saotome?

Genma: (glancing at the candy bowl) Absolutely. Anything for a 
friend.

Hasigawa: Excellent. (they shake hands) Now, don't do anything out 
of the ordinary until we talk next. Just go home, relax, have a nice 
family dinner. We don't want you to go completely psycho before I 
get a chance to analyze you.

(Night. Scene changes to a drawing room in the Kuno Mansion, 
where the two Kuno siblings are sitting in overstuffed chairs. 
Kodachi, a pair of rather silly-looking reading glasses perched on 
her nose, is grading what appears to be a test. Her brother, on the 
other hand, is locked in permanent Oh-which-shall-I-date mode, 
staring at the newly-purchased photos.)

Kuno: (declaiming) Ah, but they are both as splendid as the 
morning dew upon any rose that does not have a blackish hue 
(abominations, those) and are more gentle and warm than the life-
giving (if cancer-causing) rays of the noonday sun, which pales 
before their admittedly painful but welcome attentions, which, of 
course, when compared with the gentle music of the babbling 
brook....

Kodachi: Shut up, babbling brook.

Kuno: (frowning) Your vulgarity grows daily, sister. Perhaps it 
would be wise if you were to cease your associations with a 
certain lower-class Chinese laborer, as her coarse breeding 
seems to be rubbing off onto you.

Kodachi: (sweetly) Perhaps it would be wise for you to make up 
your mind about which of those two tramps you seem infatuated 
with you intend to marry.

Kuno: But how can I! for they are both as.....

Kodachi: ....attractive as the finest tinned cat food, I know. Spare 
me the substandard poetry. But I wish you would hurry up and 
marry one of them. It would make catching Ranma-sama that much 
easier for me.

Kuno: And I, dear sister, would like nothing more than for you to, 
ah, "catch" Saotome. Firstly, because that would free my two 
loves from their foul enslavement. And secondly, because not even 
I could come up with a more horrible punishment for him.

Kodachi: Hmm. Perhaps we have some common ground here.

Kuno: (shuddering) Perish the thought.

Kodachi: It is a distasteful notion, yes. But worth it, perhaps, if 
we win our respective loves as a result.

Kuno: I assume you have a plan?

Kodachi: Of course.

Kuno: Is it sneaky, deceitful, and underhanded?

Kodachi: (frowning) Actually, it's cunning, resourceful, and 
ingenious.

Kuno: (shrugging) I suspect that is much the same thing. What is it 
this time?

(Kodachi pulls out a vial of something and hands it to him. Kuno 
reads the label suspiciously.)

Kuno: (reading) "Standard Love Potion #23, industrial strength". 
_This_ is your plan?

Kodachi: Simple, yes?

Kuno: Simpleminded is perhaps more accurate! How many times 
has a love potion of some sort been employed to this end?

Kodachi: (thinking) I've done it about 34 times, Shampoo's tried it 
about 28, and that Kuonji girl made some kind of Oyster 
Okonomiyaki that left Ranma-sama sick for 3 days.

Kuno: It strikes me that this is not exactly an original idea. In 
fact, the word "cliched" comes to mind.

Kodachi: (impatiently) True, but always before one of two things 
has happened. Either blind luck fouled us up, or either Ranma-
sama or Akane managed to "cure" the other. If we get them both 
at once, we'll have done it.

Kuno: And blind luck?

Kodachi: We'll simply arrange it so that nothing can go wrong. 
After all, we have to get lucky one of these days...

Kuno: Perhaps.....yes, maybe this time it will work. But which to 
choose? 

Kodachi: (firmly) Akane. She's the main obstacle to Ranma. Pick 
Akane, brother dear.

Kuno: Very well. (looks dramatic) But fear not, oh pigtailed one! 
You shall be mine as well! (stops suddenly and blinks) Ah, Sister?

Kodachi: Yes, Brother dearest?

Kuno: What is that piece of paper you are marking?

Kodachi: This? Oh, it's just Shampoo's latest Japanese test. (she 
adjusts the reading glasses and leans over it) She really has been 
improving, you know...a few more weeks and she'll have perfect 
diction. (she sighs) Almost a pity, me marrying Ranma-sama...I 
suppose she'll probably have to try and kill me...

(Kuno brightens noticeably.)

Kuno: (casually) She, um, is a good fighter?

Kodachi: Very. Superb, as a matter of fact?

Kuno: And as devious as yourself?

Kodachi: In her own way, yes...Brother dear, why are you cackling?

Kuno: (innocent look) Oh, merely, ah, remembering, uh, a jest.

Kodachi: (darkly) Right.

(Scene changes to the front porch of the dojo. Kasumi and Akane 
are outside; Kasumi sweeping, and Akane looking grumpy.)

Kasumi: (cheerfully) Now Akane, I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe he 
had somewhere to go...

Akane: Of course he had somewhere to go, he left, didn't he? But 
he left without breakfast, and that's not like him. He's up to 
something.

Kasumi: (frowning) No breakfast? Oh dear. Growing boys need 
their energy. 

(Suddenly Shampoo and her bike fall from apparently nowhere onto 
the porch.)

Shampoo: Nihao!

Kasumi: Good morning!

Akane: Wonderful.

Shampoo: (squinting) Something wrong, Akane? You look a bit 
under the weather.

Akane: No, I'm...(she stops suddenly)....okay, who are you really? 
Twin sister? Mind-possessing entity? Someone who fell in Spring 
of Drowned Amazon Bimbo? Shapechanging Alien?

Kasumi: Alien? Oh dear. (peering curiously at Shampoo) Is that 
you, Um-Gonxyt?

Shampoo: It's me. Shampoo.

Akane: Nice try, but no. Shampoo talks like a TV Chinese person, 
with lots of "Me not know"s and "Too-too good"s. Your Japanese, 
on the other hand, is better than Ranma's. Not that that's saying 
much...

Shampoo: (shrugging) I've been taking lessons.

Akane: (skeptical) For how long?

Shampoo: I started yesterday.

Akane: (snorts) Yeah. And you expect me to believe you've 
improved this much in a day? How dumb do you think I am?

Shampoo: Very. But, to answer your question, I had a good teacher. 
Very (she shudders) motivating. Anyway, where's Ranma?

Akane: Why should I tell you?

Shampoo: Come on, I'm not an alien or an evil spirit....

Akane: If you were, I'd be happy to tell you. But since you're really 
Shampoo, forget it.

Shampoo: (blue aura on) If you going to be rude about it, me beat...I 
mean, I'll beat it out of you!

Akane: (aura'd) Try it, you empty-headed....

Kasumi: (interrupting) Would anyone like some cookies?

(The two combatants freeze. Kasumi just stands there, expectant 
smile on her face. Their faces go a little red, and they relax.)

Shampoo: Yes, please, Kasumi-san. Thank you.

Akane: Um, sure Kasumi.

Kasumi: (heading into house) I'll just be a minute. You two go on 
with what you were doing, now...

(Akane and Shampoo study each other warily, unconsciously 
circling each other.)

Shampoo: I know now why you've been able to hold onto Ranma for 
so long. He thought I was stupid, because I spoke funny. But 
now...now you'll lose him..

Akane: Like hell I will.

Shampoo: I thought you don't love him?

Akane: (uncertainly) I don't...he's...I mean...baka....

Shampoo: I'm supposed to be the one with the language 
impediment, Akane. If you don't love him, why not let me have 
him? If you don't like him, why not let me take him back to China?

Akane: NO! He's mine! (she falters) That is...

(Kasumi emerges from the kitchen, a plate of cookies in hand.)

Kasumi: (brightly) Here you go! And I've got ham sandwiches in the 
fridge if either of you are still hungry.

Shampoo: (taking some) Thank you. (she puts them in a pocket) 
Make up your mind soon, Akane. He _will_ be my husband, and it 
would be well if you were over him.

(She mounts her bike and rides off. Akane watches her go, a grim 
look on her face.)

Kasumi: It's nice that you have such good friends, Akane.

Akane: (darkly) Yeah. Just lucky, I guess.

(Scene changes to a cramped office. A athletic-looking man, clad 
in some sort of uniform, sits behind a desk going over papers. The 
nameplate lying half-buried under papers identifies him as "Chief 
Matome Sugita". A knock is heard on the door.)

Sugita: (loudly) Come in!

(Saburo enters hesitantly, his perpetual vaguely-hopeful 
expression firmly in place.)

Saburo: Um...I heard you were hiring?

Sugita: Yes, yes we are. You actually interested?

Saburo: Yes, if the pay's what your ad said it was...

Sugita: (smiling) Oh yes. Yes, the pay is quite generous, and you 
even get extra if you incur any serious injury in the line of duty.

Saburo: (laughing uneasily) Not that that ever happens....

Sugita: (under his breath) ..more than once a week, no... 

Saburo: Come again?

Sugita: No, of course not. (looks serious) Now, of course, I have to 
give you the mandatory Civil Service Exam. Are you ready?

Saburo: (drawing himself up) Yes sir!

(Sugita picks up a badly rumpled card and begins to read from it.)

Sugita: Name?

Saburo: Saburo Natami.

Sugita: Age?

Saburo: 17.

Sugita: Ever been arrested on a charge higher than manslaughter?

Saburo: (blinks) No...

Sugita: What's 2 plus 3?

Saburo: (looking puzzled) Five. Um, what...?

Sugita: (loudly) Congratulations, you have passed the rigorous 
Civil Service Exam. Still want the job?

Saburo: Well, yes.

Sugita: It's yours. You are now Animal Control Officer Saburo 
Natami (Third Class), with all the duties and privileges that 
accompany the title.

(He snaps to attention and salutes. Saburo hesitantly returns it.)

Sugita: As we are a little shorthanded at this time, due to 
circumstances that I won't go into at the moment, you'll skip the 
normal period of training and go right into the field. Here is your 
uniform.

(He picks up a bundle of bluish clothing and hands it to Saburo, 
who eyes it dubiously.)

Saburo: Uh, sir? What are these reddish stains? The ones around 
the jagged rips?

Sugita: Oh, um, not sure. It belonged to the last fellow we had, 
godresthissoul. He, uh, quit.

Saburo: Ah. What do my duties consist of, by the way?

Sugita: (beaming) You're assigned to one of our mobile response 
units. You can drive, yes?

Saburo: Yes, I can...

Sugita: Good. The other fellow can't, you see...

Saburo: What? Why not?

Sugita: (shrugs) Hasn't learned how yet, I guess. Not sure, really, I 
just hired him too.

Saburo: Um, sir, wouldn't it be better to assign us rookies to work 
with an experienced officer?

Sugita: Normally we would, but we're a bit shorthanded.

Saburo: Okay...When do I meet him?

Sugita: You and Officer Saotome start tomorrow.

(Saburo drops the uniform and yelps.)

Saburo: SAOTOME? Not Ranma Saotome, surely....

Sugita: (puzzled) Yes..

Saburo: (groaning) Great. I'm a dead man. (looks up appealingly) 
Isn't there anyone else you could assign me to?

Sugita: We're...

Saburo: (resignedly) ...a bit shorthanded, right. 

Sugita: (scowling) Do you two not get along, or something? 
Because if you do, it had better not interfere with your work.

Saburo: (hastily) Oh, we get along fine. I'm just not wild about 
becoming collateral damage.

Sugita: (smiling evilly) Oh, you're in for that anyway. Report here 
tomorrow at 8 AM sharp, Officer Natami.

Saburo: (sighs) Yes sir.

(He leaves. Sugita chuckles, and returns to his desk.)

Sugita: (muttering) Well, might as well get it done ahead of time...

(He takes out a fresh sheet of paper and begins to write.)

Sugita: Let's see..."Dear Mr. and Mrs. Natami, it is my painful duty 
to inform you of your son's demise in the line of duty on..." Hmm. 
Better leave the date blank, he might last out tomorrow....

END OF EPISODE 2