This is my first attempt at MST3K-style C&C.  Please forgive
any awkwardness.



	Rain pounded down, muted to a dull roar by the roof tiles
and insulation.  The central heating was on, keeping the house
at a comfortable temperature despite the decidedly anti-social
temperatures outside, and two people sat in a comfortable
loungeroom.  The room light was on, the weak gray light of mid-
afternoon filtering in through the windows insufficient to properly
light the room.  This was definitely not a Saturday to be outside,
and two people sat in the overstuffed chairs doing various things.
	One, a Caucasian woman, was knitting somewhat awkwardly.
She had dark brown hair cut to a shortish length and wore jeans
and a pullover, her pink fluffy slippers a start contrast to the
rest of her ensemble.  On the other side of the room, a Japanese
girl sat, her legs crossed comfortably on the cushion of her chair.
Her ink-black hair, too, was cut short, but in a bob cut rather 
than the taper of the the caucasian woman.  Her jeans clung to
her hips, and a knitted sweater draped in just the right places
to emphasise her excellent figure.  She looked small in the chair, 
but it could just have been an illusion.  Text books and a notepad 
sat on the floor next to her chair, but at the moment she was 
leaning back comfortably, reading something with a bright, 
colourful cover.  A girl with vivid pink hair smiled out of the 
cover.
	Heavy steps sounded from outside the room, coming closer.
Then through the door came a large man with thinning red hair,
brandishing a video tape.  The Japanese girl looked up.
	"Sore nan da no, a-na-ta?" she asked with a grin.
	The caucasian lady looked up with a frown.  The man stopped
in the middle of the room and let out a sigh, then sank to his
knees facing the Japanese girl.  "Please don't call me that,
Nabiki," he said.  "You know Jen doesn't like it."
	Nabiki laughed lightly, then nodded.  "Hai.  I will do as
you ask, Debiddu."
	"Thanks.  To answer your question, this is a videotape."  
David grinned and stood, and shoved the videotape he was carrying 
into the tape machine over the TV.  Grabbing the remotes, he 
crossed the room to the two-seater lounge facing the TV and 
flopped down, hitting the ON switch for the TV as he went.
	Nabiki sat forward, grabbing the cushion she had been
leaning against.  "But what is *on* the tepu, ne?"  She tossed
the cushion, hard, but David caught it.  He grinned at her.
"Is that one of those tapes you've been waiting for, Debiddu?"
	Jen looked up.  "Oh, have they come?"
	"Nah, it's Gary Kleppe's latest 'fic.  It's a Ranma one,
and I'm gonna review it.  He did a review of my last 'fic, and 
I want to return the favour."
	Nabiki grinned and got up from her chair.  "Can I watch,
Debiddu?  I like watching Ranma stories.  It's so funny!"  She 
plopped herself down next to David on the couch.  He dwarfed her
slim frame.
	"Is it any good?" asked Jen, putting the knitting to
one side.
	David shrugged as he pointed the remote at the VCR.
"Dunno.  He usually does a pretty good job."

	Despite the title, this has *nothing* to do with Kosuke
Fujishima's Ah! Megamisama (Oh/Ah My Goddess). It is an otakufic parody,
what Adam Barnes has defined as an "Infliction" fic. It starts out as a
standard otaku insertion tale. George, the lead character, does *not*
represent me, the author; I deny that completely.:) He is a basic
generic otaku, apart from being more clueless than most. Rest assured
that the poor schmuck gets his by the end. Did I mention that he isn't
me? Well, he isn't. Really.

	David snorted.  "Methinks he protesteth overmuch."
	Jen giggled; Nabiki frowned and poked him in the ribs.  
"Wakaranakatta!"
	He sighed.  "I think he's protesting his innocence too much."
	"You think this 'Joruju' really is Gary, then."
	"Dave, what's an 'otakufic'?" said Jen.
	"It's usually called a self-insertion 'fic.  A story where
the author puts him or her-self into the story, usually in a 
starring role, authors' egos being what they are."
	"You mean like this review?"
	David blushed.  "Yeah, something like that."
	The girls glanced at each other and grinned.

	This has not been pre-read by anyone (except me, of course, but
I wrote it). Please C&C! All C&C, MST, and other feedback will be
appreciated. The Ranmaverse in this story is supposed to be "Original
Flavor" with all characters IC, so let me know if you feel that any are
not. A special metaphysical cookie for the first person who can identify
where I got the title quote from (and tell me whether I quoted it
correctly). If not, I'll tell you all when I post this to RAAC.



			  MEGAMI-SAMA, MASAKA?

		      A Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
			     by Gary Kleppe

	Nabiki and David laughed at the title screen scrolled by.
"What is it?" asked Jen.  "What does it mean?"
	"Masaka means 'don't tell me' or 'surely not'," David said
as he hit the pause control.  "But really I think it's a play on 
words.  I wonder if he meant it that way?  Nabiki?  Your English 
is better than my Japanese."
	"I think he is hinting at 'A! Megami-sama'.  If that is so,
this would be, 'Oh no! My Goddess!'"  She smirked.
	Jen frowned.  "So why is that funny?"
	David smiled patiently.  "'A! Megami-sama' was translated
as 'Oh! My Goddess' for the English-language release."  Jen sighed
and shook her head.
	"You know, it could be he meant, 'My Goddess, My God!'" added
Nabiki.
	David shrugged.  "Who knows?  Titles like this don't
translate very well."  He hit the pause control again.

	This story is sponsored by the (Takahashi-)Mermaid's Charitable
Fund. Give generously, and you will have our undying gratitude.

	"What an odd thing to say," said David.  Nabiki smirked
as if at some private joke.

	The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way.


			       PROLOGUE

	"Where am I?" George shouted, hoping there was someone to hear.

	He was floating in a formless, shapeless sea of nothingness.
There didn't seem to be any up or down, any backward or forward. All he
was aware of was himself, and... something else. He could feel some
powerful presence all around, though he couldn't zero in on it. It was
everywhere.

	Maybe this was a dream, though it didn't feel like one of his
dreams. The last thing he could remember was being at GenCon in the
anime room. He must have fallen asleep there. He remembered watching an
anime about the mermaid's meat that made people live forever. That story
had certainly been weird enough to give him nightmares.

	A voice of sorts called out, resonating in the fabric of
reality. **GEORGE TOCKUE!**

	David winced.  "Oh no.  This is gonna be corny!"
	Nabiki poked him in the ribs.  "Shut up!"

	"Uhh... that's me." George tried to turn towards the voice, but
it was coming from everywhere. "But I asked *where* am I, not *who* am
I! And who am I talking to?"

	**SORRY ABOUT THAT. I FORGOT THAT YOU'D NEED A PHYSICAL
MANIFESTATION AS A REFERENCE. ONE MOMENT.** At once, the presence
coalesced into the form of a young pointy-eared woman clad in a
tiger-skin bikini. "What do you think? I've always liked this form."

	"Bloody hell, that's Lum," said David with a frown.  "What is
this, a Takahashi-fest?"

	"It's Lum," George said. He remembered having just watched a
subtitled Urusei Yatsura TV video. A song started running through his
head, the one he thought of whenever he saw this character , and he
absent-mindedly started singing it out loud. "It's Lum, It's Lum, she's
in my head..."

	Laughter broke out from the couch.  Jen just looked confused.

	"GEORGE NO BAKA!!!" she yelled, zapping George with a giant bolt
of electricity. She giggled coyly as he stood back up.

	George was in pain but did not seem injured. "You're Lum? The
girl from outer space?"

	The woman laughed again. "Oh, no. I just decided to make myself
*look* like her. Actually, I'm a Kami. What you would call a Goddess.
This is my plane of reality. I brought you here."

	"Oh - KAY," George said, trying to digest this information. "A
Goddess? You mean like Belldandy? Can I ask why you brought me here?"

	"Do you remember what you said a little while ago? When you were
watching Ranma 1/2?"

	George thought beck, but was lucky to remember his own name
under these circumstances. "Uh... no."

	"I think he meant 'back,'" said Jen.

	"You said that if you had the chance, you could tell Ranma and
the others how to solve all of their problems. All it would take is a
little common sense, you said."

	"Oh yeah. I did say that. Er, I mean, not that Ranma and those
people are stupid or anything. It's like, they ought to be able to see
what they can do to get what they want. It would be easy. But they won't
do it."

	"I'm offering you the chance to do what you said you could do. I
can project you into the universe where these characters are real, and
you can interact with them."

	"You'd better watch what you do, boy!" muttered Nabiki darkly.
"I've got some friends you wouldn't want to meet."
	"I rather suspect that's the whole point of the story," said
David with a grin.

	"Really?" George thought this over for a moment. If it was for
real, it was exciting, but also frightening. Was there something this
Goddess wasn't telling him? "Why? Why are you offering me this?"

	"Because I think it'll be fun."

	Fun for whom, George wondered. That thought was not encouraging.
"But I don't speak Japanese. Besides, I'm no good at fighting. If I went
to Ranma world they'd probably kick my butt."

	"You will be able to understand everyone there, and they you.
All speech will be dubbed into English for you. As for your lack of
combat skill, there are a couple of things I could do about that. I
could put you in place of one of the characters, say Kasumi or Nabiki.
Anyone looking at you would see one of them, and no one would attack
you. Or you could be a new martial artist, with an attack capable of
taking down Ranma or any of his friends. What do you say, will that be
enough to protect your 'butt'?"

	"Okay." There was no denying it, it was the chance of a
lifetime. "I'll be a martial artist. You're right, it probably will be
fun. Let's go!"

	"You need to be aware of one thing: You'll be in the Ranma
universe for as long as the body you are using there is alive. When you
wish to return here, simply destroy your temporary body and you will be
returned here safely. Oh, and do you have a preferred style of combat?"

	"Uh, no, like I told you I'm not much for fighting."

	"Anything? A favorite sport, perhaps?"

	"No, not really, my main hobby is working with computers,
and..."

	"Okay, that's good enough." Suddenly the Goddess started to
expand, or was George shrinking? He couldn't tell which. He drifted
toward one of her eyes, which was now the size of a city compared to
him. Inside the eye he started to see faint points of light, which
became stars as he fell deeper and deeper in. Still shrinking, he fell
steadily and deliberately toward one particular star...

	"Okay, standard insertion sequence, though it's not normal
for the agent to taunt the author like that," said David.  "He's
even got an escape clause."  He rubbed his chin with a shovel-like
hand.  "I've gotta wonder about that goddess, though."

1: "A rose is not a rose"

	Tatewaki Kuno was eating lunch at the Nekohanten. Half the
student body of Furinkan ate lunch there, ever since the decision that
only Hawaiian food would be available in the school.

	"Mouuu, I'm glad I'm out of *that* place!" said Nabiki.
	Jen frowned.  "What's wrong with Hawaiian food?  I *like*
Hawaiian pizzas."

	The food at this restaurant was good and the prices reasonable;
the only drawback was the waiter who tended to mix up peoples' orders.
"I, Tatewaki Kuno the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, ordered the house
special ramen! Dare you insult me by giving me pork buns instead?" It
was a good policy to be firm with the serving classes.

	Tatewaki saw his twisted sister, Kodachi the Black Rose, enter
the establishment. The waiter immediately jumped on her, crying out
"Shampoo! How I've missed you in the time you've been gone! It's been...
at least an hour and a half!"

	"Blind fool!" Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Can you not tell one
person from another? Would you so mistake Ranma Saotome for the
Pig-Tailed Girl?"

	"Stupid Mousse!" the target of Mousse's affections said, in a
voice most unlike what Tatewaki expected from her. "Get back to work or
Shampoo hurt you!"

	Jen frowned.  "I thought that was Kodachi?"
	"So did Kunou," said Nabiki with a smirk.
	"But obviously it's Shampoo," said David.  What's Gary 
pulling here?"

	"Yes, darling Shampoo!" Mousse turned to clear a table. An
identical-looking Kodachi entered the restaurant.

	"How about, 'Another Kodachi?'" suggested Jen.

	Cologne, having seen and heard all of this, looked at the first
girl. "Shampoo? Is that you?"

	"Of *course* it's her!" Mousse said smugly. "Can't you see? Do
you need *glasses* or something?"

	Laughter erupted from the couch again.  "Irony!" said Dave in 
a choked voice.  "Love it!"

	"Mousse, go scrub out the toilets," Cologne shot back.

	"Er... yes, elder." Mousse sulked away toward the bathroom,
muttering under his breath. "Again? Geez..."

	"Great grandmother, this fault of evil lecher," the first girl
who looked like Kodachi said.

	Tatewaki rose to his feet. "Ranma Saotome did this? That swine!
I shall..."

	Cologne struck with her staff, knocking the Blue Thunder back
into his chair. "She means Happosai, you fool! Tell us what happened,
Shampoo."

	"You right, great grandmother. Happosai steal Shampoo underwear.
I try to get back by power of calm reason...."

				*****

	Shampoo's fist slammed into Happosai. "Give back Shampoo
underwear, old pervert! Or Shampoo KILL!!"

	"Yup, that's that girl's idea of calm reason alright," said
Nabiki in her drollest tones.

	Rather than dodge, the old man rolled with the blow, using its
momentum to propel him away. He flew through the air, clutching his bag
full of newly acquired undies, as he watched the angry amazon recede
into the distance.

	He crashed through the roof of a house, the back of his head
first. Perhaps watching where he was going might have been a good idea.
He landed inside the house, picking himself off the floor, as some
elderly woman watched.

	"Tough, isn't he?" put in Jen.

	"Oh dear, oh dear," the old woman muttered. "Are you a robber?
Have you come to steal my prized possessions?"

	"Not to worry, madam," Happosai said, dusting himself off. "I am
in fact a thief, it's true, but the only thing I steal is underwear
that's been worn by beautiful young women." He looked at the eighty-plus
year old woman. " I think that it's safe to say I won't find any of that
here."

	"Oh, goodness, such a relief that is. I'm so afraid someone will
take the most valuable thing I own, this box." She pointed out a small,
ornately-carved container. "It's a one-of-a-kind antique that people
would kill to get. It has a name, now what was it. The Box of
E'civedt'olp, they called it. Legends say that it has magical
properties."

	"Mouu, why do they have to pick utterly unpronouncable 
names all the time?!" Nabiki huffed.
	"I think that lady's being pretty stupid," said Jen with
a frown.

	"How very interesting, madam. As it so happens, I have here the
most valuable thing *I* own, my one-of-a-kind underwear collection. It
includes, among other things, a pair of genuine amazon panties. There
are definitely people who would kill to get these -- I've just had an
encounter with one of them. Legends say -- I don't think I even need to
tell you. Whaddaya say, interested in a swap?"

	"Gracious, valuable you say? I suppose so, if you really think
it's a good deal..." The old woman spoke in mumbles, seeming barely
aware of what she was saying.

	"We have an agreement, then." Happosai set down his bag, and
cradled the box in his left hand. "I'll just be going, then, and....
Well, what do you know?!?" He looked at the bag in mock surprise and
amazement. "Here is a bag full of women's undies! I just happen to be an
underwear thief! How fortunate!" He grabbed the bag back into his right
hand and bounded up onto the roof.

	Like taking candy from a baby, Happosai mused, as he sauntered
down the street. Now he would try to find out what the box did, if
anything. The old woman was obviously senile, there was no way she would
catch him. He was in the clear.

	A bonbori crashed down, nearly missing Happosai's head. "Shampoo
KILL!!"

	David hooted.  "Whose senile now?!"

	Okay, he wasn't quite in the clear. Still, he figured he ought
to be able to get away, seeing as it was just one pursuer.

	Happosai felt something wrap around his leg. He heard another
voice, and turned to see the leotard-clad figure of Kodachi Kuno.
"OHOHOHOHOHO!!! Raiding the St. Hebereke girls' locker room was a grave
mistake, sensei!" she said.

	David hit the pause button.  Pointing at the screen, he said,
"St. Hebereke's is a *girls'* school.  It doesn't make sense to
talk about the *girls* locker room."
	"But there's nothing *but* girls there," replied Nabiki
scornfully.  "Mochiron, it's a girls' locker room!"
	"My point exactly.  Why talk about a girls' locker room,
as opposed to a boys' one?"
	"So he should say just, 'locker room'?"
	"I think so."
	"I think it sounds better the way it is," said Jen.  "Stop
arguing and hit the pause button.  I want to see what happens next."
	"Huh."

	Okay, it wasn't just one. Happosai realized he might be in
trouble here. Kodachi pulled on the gymnastics ribbon that was wrapped
around Happosai's leg, causing him to trip, the box slipping out of his
hand. "Hey! Leggo! This is the legendary Box of E'civedt'olp! Don't you
know what could..."

	The box tumbled to the floor, and fell open. An eerie
yellow-green light shone from within, bathing Shampoo and Kodachi in its
glow...

				*****

	"So!" Tatewaki raised his bokken defiantly. "The old lecher
through dark sorcery has split my sister into two people, and done gods
know what to the lovely Shampoo? He must be made to pay! The Blue
Thunder shall..."

	"Gods, he never gets it right, does he?" said David.
	"Never has yet," replied Nabiki cheerily.

	"Brother dear," the other Kodachi interrupted, "I haven't been
spilt into two. This is me; that over there is your lovely amazon
waitress who has been transformed to *look* like me."

	"Ah." Tatewaki tried to comprehend this new information. "Well,
whatever. Old crone, know you of any way to reverse this effect?"

	"I have heard of the Box of E'civedt'olp," Cologne said. "It is
an artifact of chaos; a very strange thing indeed. It is said to cause
random, unpredictable changes in those whom it affects. In this case, it
appears that Shampoo has been linked with your sister, causing her to
take on her appearance. She may go back and forth between looking like
herself and looking like Kodachi, before the effect finally wears off."

	"It will wear off?" queried Tatewaki. "How soon?"

	"A matter of days; perhaps a week or so. The only other thing I
know of that would break it would be the death of one of the two linked
persons."

	"Do not worry. The honor of the Blue Thunder would not permit my
harming in any way one as innocent and lovely as your fair
great-granddaughter."

	David snorted.  "Honour.  Kunou.  Huh."
	Nabiki punched him in the floating ribs.  "Don't scoff at
what you don't understand!"
	"Ungh... ittatata.."
	"Shhh!" hissed Jen.

	"I doubt you could even if you tried," Cologne said sternly.
"Moreover, if you were to cause any harm whatsoever to Shampoo, then I
would have to hunt you down. Filial love forms strong bonds indeed!"

	"So I have heard." Tatewaki moved toward the exit. "So, let us
be off. The old lecher must be made to pay!"

	Cologne glared at Tatewaki. "First, it is you who must pay,
young man."

	"Ah yes. The house special. Four hundred yen was it? There you
are." He handed money to Cologne, then turned to the girl who looked
like his sister. "And I say to you, fair one, that were my heart and
soul not fully given to Akane Tendo (and the Pig-Tailed Girl), the
deepest love and affection of the Blue Thunder would be pledged to you."

	"Why thank you, brother dear," she replied, "but I don't think
it would work out. Let us go."

	"Nice context switching, twice," said David.  "One of the 
three basic sources of humour."
	"Hit him, Nabiki."
	*thud* "Ugh!"

				*****

	George stood on the grass, looking at the new world around him.
After being in limbo for who knew how long, he had finally arrived
somewhere! His surroundings looked ordinary enough, not that much
different from the world he had left. Maybe it had been a joke, a
hallucination; maybe he wasn't going to be meeting characters out of the
Ranma 1/2 anime.

	"HAHAHA!! You can't catch me!" A little old man carrying a large
sack bounced rapidly off of George's head, knocking him down.

	"Hey!" George said, struggling to get up. "That was --"

	"OHOHOHOHO!!!" A girl in a leotard ran after the old man, using
George's head as a stepping point. "You will not escape the Black Rose,
sensei! I will have my underwear back before you discover the secret
compartments!"

	"That reminds me, how do you get underwear off a girl
wearing a leotard?" asked David brightly.
	"I want don't think about it, and neither should you," 
said Nabiki coldly.

	"-- and --"

	"Pervert-man not escape Shampoo!" Another girl, looking
identical to the first, bounded off of George's head.

	"-- and another --"

	George didn't even try to get up this time. "The righteous
vengeance of the Blue Thunder shall not be denied!" A boy in kendoists'
robes added to the footprint collection on the back of George's scalp.

	"-- and what's his name..."

	George waited until he could be sure that it was clear. This was
not a promising beginning. Still, things would get better. He looked
carefully toward the direction from which the people had come, After
minutes had passed, was satisfied that there were no more on the way,
and he stood up.

	"HAHA!! I doubled back!" The old man hit George from the other
direction, knocking him back down for the other three to trample over
again. George decided to just lie there until winter when the snow would
cover him up.

	"Classic anime," said David with a grin.

	"Wait a minute," he said to himself. "I'm a martial artist here.
That Goddess said so!" Proudly, defiantly, he stood up, breathing a sigh
of relief when no one knocked him back down right away. He saw that the
old man was circling back toward his location, and had apparently picked
up another pursuer: a pigtailed boy, who George recognized very well.

	George stood, intending to attack Happosai. But how? Then he
felt an instinct take over. He cried out, "School of Cyberspace Martial
Arts -- Attack!" Cyberspace martial arts?!? GMAFB, he thought.

	"Floppy Disk Strike!" George yelled, as he threw several razor
sharp three and a half inchers in rapid succession. The old man dodged,
the disks embedding themselves in a nearby tree.

	The others stood and watched as George continued. "Magnetic Tape
Attack!" he said, hiding his embarrassment. Who used magnetic tape
anymore? He produced a metallic ribbon with which he tried to ensnare
Happosai; this too was dodged.

	"I was right, I'm going to die from the corn," moaned David.

	"Special attack: Chiasa Aonuma .JPG Strike!" He threw out an
over-sized color print-out of a very shapely, very naked young woman.
Happosai immediately forgot about the fight and stopped to stare. He was
immediately pounded on by Ranma, Tatewaki, and the two lookalikes. The
latter two ripped open Happosai's bag and searched through, each pulling
out a particular set of underwear.

	Ranma went to greet George. "Hey, that was pretty cool! I ain't
never seen attacks like those before. I'm Ranma Saotome."

	"George Oscar Tockue the third. I'm not from around here.
Actually I'm from a whole 'nother world. Another universe, you might
say. Where I come from, you guys are just characters in an anime."

	"Uh huh," Ranma shook George's hand hesitantly, rolling his eyes
as if thinking he might be talking to a crazy man. "Anyway, I guess
anyone who beats up Happosai is a friend of mine. Except that Pantyhose
creep, of course." Ranma's grip tightened, causing George a bit of pain.
"Hey, you gonna be around here for a while?"

	"I think so. This is fun!" George noticed Kodachi (well, one of
them) looking at him in a way that made him a bit nervous. Still, it
didn't dampen his enthusiasm.

				*****

	From somewhere else, the Goddess looked down at the scene and
laughed. The fun was just beginning.

	"This is going downhill rapidly," said Jen.  "I thought you
said this guy was good, Dave?"
	David hit the pause button.  "He is.  He's normally... oh,
I get it.  Remember, he said this is a parody.  Jeez, he's sure
punching all the 'bad self-insertion 'fic' buttons so far."  He
shuddered.  "Even the guy's name is horrid."
	"I liked it when this Joruju guy got run over," said Nabiki.
"He deserved it."  She frowned.  "What does 'parody' mean?"
	"It's when an author tries to make a point by exaggerating
the characteristics of the genre he's writing in," said Jen.
	Nabiki looked at her blankly.
	"Look, Nabiki," said David, "You've seen Project A-ko,
haven't you?"
	"Hai."
	"Project A-ko is a parody of anime in general."
	"Aaa, soo," she breathed.  "Is there more of this tape?"
	David nodded.  "Un."
	"Good.  I want to see this Joruju person get hit."
	

2: "I'm here to help you!"


	After wandering around for about an hour, George found the Tendo
dojo. This was it, he thought. He'd prove how easy it would be to change
things around here. He stuffed an envelope into the mailbox. This was
the first step.

	As George stood, picturing in his mind what he would do next, he
heard the sound of a bell from behind him. Before he could turn around a
bicycle wheel struck him in the head, knocking him to the ground.

	He rose slowly and carefully (used to this sort of thing by now)
and turned to look. There on the bicycle was the sexiest, the most
beautiful girl that George could ever remember seeing. She filled out
her shimmering silk dress in a way that he had never imagined possible.

	She turned to George, and he quickly moved his gaze up to her
face. "Why you get in way of Shampoo's bike?" she said.

	"Uh... I... that is..." George responded, mentally kicking
himself for not being able to say anything coherent.

	"Keep out of way! Shampoo need finish deliver ramen. Then go ask
Ranma for date! I look like self now, but could turn back any time to
look like crazy ribbon girl. Then Ranma never agree to date. Aiyou!"

	"Huh, I always thought she said 'aiya,'" said David.  "Then
again, this *is* a parody."

	Memories flashed through George's mind. Shampoo was the one who
would marry anyone who defeated her in combat... and the Goddess said
that he would be able to defeat anyone here! Therefore...

	"Shampoo!" he blurted out. "I challenge --" Too late, Shampoo
had already gone.

	Oh well, there would be other chances. Meanwhile George could do
other things. He headed to the Tendo home.

	"Huh, that's one of the big self-gratification things started,"
said David, making a mark on a notepad.
	"What's that?" asked Jen.
	"Sleeping with one or more of the cast.  Shampoo is popular;
so is Ukyou."
	"And Nabiki?" asked Nabiki with a dangerous smile.
	"Yeah, sure, Nabiki's pretty pop... uh... oops."

*thud*  "Ittatatata..."

				*****

	"You're here to do what?" asked an incredulous Ranma.

	"Solve all your problems," George replied matter-of-factly.
"Didn't you hear me the first time?"

	"Man, just stay away from me," Ranma said. "Nothin' personal,
but I got enough trouble already without somebody else going along and
making things worse." As he spoke, he finished tying the Box of
E'civedt'olp shut with a sturdy length of rope. He didn't want anyone
else opening it up; like he'd said, he had enough trouble already. He
finished by putting a hastily-lettered sign in front of the bound
container. "There, this sign'll keep people away from this thing for
sure!"

	"Jerk!" Akane whacked Ranma on the head with a
conveniently-placed flowerpot as she read the sign he had written:
DANGER! KEEP OUT! CONTAINS AKANE'S COOKING!

	"Ara, that was just *asking* for trouble," said Nabiki.

	Kasumi came into the room. "Look who's here!" she said
cheerfully as a boy in a bandanna followed behind her. He was Ryoga,
George remembered. The one who takes advantage of Akane, sleeps in her
bed disguised as her pet pig. He'd soon put a stop to that.

	"Ryoga's come for dinner, isn't that nice?" Kasumi handed an
envelope to her youngest sister. "This was in the mailbox for you,
Akane."

	"That's strange," Akane said. "It doesn't say who it's from,
just to open it the next time I see P-chan. Maybe it's an advertisement
for a new pet grooming tool or something. I'll just put it up in my
room, I guess." She went up the stairs as Kasumi went to the kitchen.

	"Huh, that's not a bad strategy," said David.
	"What are you talking about?!  Telling her about it in a
*letter*?  Can you *imagine* the property damage that would 
result from that?!"

	George glared at Ryoga. "I sent her that letter, you know. Your
days of playing P-chan and sleeping in her bed are over, pal."

	"What?!?" Ryoga was flabbergasted. "What -- what do you mean?"
He grabbed George by his shirt. "Who the hell are you, and what business
is it of yours anyway?"

	"Hey, you can't talk to me like that!" George pushed Ryoga's
hand off of him. "I'm a martial artist too, y'know! I'm telling you to
stay away from Akane. Go hook up with that girl who likes you; Bukari,
or whatever her name is. Or with Ukyo. A lot of people think you and her
would be a good couple. But not Akane. She and Ranma are destined to be
together." Ranma and Ryoga were both looking at him as if he were a
raving lunatic.

	"Oh god," said David as he curled up defensively on the
couch.  "I can't believe he said that."

	"It's obvious that Ranma doesn't deserve Akane!" Ryoga pointed
to the sign that Ranma had drawn. "Look at the way he insults her and
makes mean jokes about her cooking all the time!"

	"Who's joking?" Ranma said. "Her cooking even makes the pots and
pans upchuck!"

	"Hey, how come they didn't ask him how he knew all this?"
asked Nabiki.

	"I'll show you, Ranma!" Ryoga cried in a frenzy. "I respect
Akane and appreciate what she does! I'll EAT her cooking!" He began
frantically ripping off the ropes that Ranma had tied around the box.

	"Oh no, I *knew* it," moaned David.

	"You moron!" Ranma yelled. "Don't open that..." Heedless, Ryoga
threw open the box lid. A strange green glow from inside bathed both
Ryoga and George, before Ranma went around and pushed it shut from the
other end.

	"Okay, maybe there are some problems with her cooking..." Ryoga
admitted sheepishly.

	"That's the first time I've heard Ryouga admit Akane's 
cooking was bad," said Nabiki.
	"Do you think Gary means something by having Ryouga say 
that?" asked David.
	"Oh, come on you two," said Jen, exasperated.  "The box
was *glowing*.  Do you think he was going to say that it looked
yummy?"
	Nabiki shook her head and gave Jen her "stupid person"
look.  "If Ryouga thought they were cooked by Akane, he'd eat
nails and say they tasted nice."

	Ranma looked at the two. The box seemed to have had no effect on
them. They didn't look alike, as Shampoo and Kodachi had. But George was
definitely getting on his nerves. He was fast showing himself to be the
most annoying person Ranma had ever met.

	A voice came from outside. "Pig-Tailed Girl!"

	Okay, maybe George wasn't the *most* annoying.... "Whattaya
want, Kuno?" Ranma asked disinterestedly.

[snip]

				*****

	"Man, this bites," George said, walking down the sidewalk and
nursing the painful bumps on his head. "You try to help someone, and
what do you get? They didn't even let me stay for dinner."

	Abruptly, some sort of instinct raised an alarm in George's
head. He jumped to the side a moment before a splash of water hit the
spot where he had just been standing.

	Whew, he thought, that was close. "Hey, be careful with that,
willya?" Wait a minute! What reason did he have to be worried about
water? Maybe the place was getting to him. He looked to see where the
water had come from.

	It was an old lady. "I'm so sorry, young man," she said. George
was pretty sure that he'd seen her before. She was the one who caught
Ranma a bunch of times with her water on the way to school. 

	"That's okay. I don't suppose you could tell me where I could
get something to eat, couldja? Only I haven't really got any money to
pay. I didn't think about that when I got sent here."

	"Try some of this." The old woman held out a piece of food,
which George gobbled up greedily. It was some sort of fish, though he
couldn't figure out what kind. It was delicious, maybe the best he'd
ever tasted.

	"You wouldn't happen to have more, would you..." He looked back
to find that the old woman was no longer there. A strange feeling in his
mind told him that he was being laughed at. He ignored it and went to
look for more food somewhere else.

	"Well that was pretty bizarre.  That old woman was clearly
the goddess, but why would she feed him?"
	Nabiki looked at David strangely.  "You mean you don't know?"
	David shook his head solemnly.
	Nabiki grinned.  "You'll find out, I'm sure."
	*sigh*

	Walking down the street, he soon came to something that wasn't
food but that made him hunger in a different sense.

	Shampoo. He saw her standing behind the outer walls of some
large estate. He stood, watching her as she moved, mesmerized by the way
the afternoon sun reflected off her well-filled Chinese dress,
accentuating her perfect figure.

	"How come he can see over the fence?" asked Jen.  "I mean,
if the Tendous have that high fence around their place, then why
wouldn't this place have one as high or higher?"

	This was it. The chance of a lifetime. Later he would try to
figure out a way to get Shampoo together with Mousse or somebody. Right
now, this was probably the only chance he'd ever have at a girl this
gorgeous.

	George jumped up from his hiding place, yelling "Shampoo, I
challenge you!" Before the girl could react, his magnetic tape wrapped
around her, immobilizing her. She was beaten.

	"I have defeated you!" George proclaimed. "By the laws of the
amazons, this means... uh, you know. Hey, you got anything to eat around
here? I'm starved."

	She thought a moment, then her puzzled expression changed to a
smile. "You want food? Why, certainly. Wait here for just a moment." She
slipped out of George's tape ribbon and vanished into the estate.

	Some warning light in the back of George's mind went off.
Something wasn't right here, but he couldn't put his finger on what it
was.

	Her speech! That was it. Up until now, Shampoo had always used
really bad English (or Japanese, or whatever they were really speaking
here). She'd just spoken to him correctly. How could that be?

	There was only one explanation. She'd been faking all this time!
She must talk that way just to keep people off guard, and must've
decided she didn't need to do it with him anymore. Sure, that made
sense.

	"Mouu, and I thought Kunou-chan was stupid!"

[snip]

3: "Escape!"

	"OHOHOHOHOHO!!!! It is the pet vermin of the wicked Akane Tendo!
Come to Kodachi! I know how to make you useful!"

	George ran. He didn't want to know Kodachi's idea of "useful".

	It was the box. That damn box had done this. He and Ryoga had
been standing in front of it when it opened. It must have given him the
same curse that Ryoga had.

	Down the streets he ran in his pig body, as Kodachi chased after
him, laughing maniacally. He had no idea where he was.  Had the box
given him Ryoga's problem with directions too? Or was it just the
smallness of his new form making the world seem so much bigger?

	George came across a house, and ducked inside through the opened
door. If he could get to the bathroom, everything would be all right.
Just a little hot water ought to be all it would take.

	He moved through the house as fast as he could. The world seemed
so much bigger than it had before. He didn't hear Kodachi. Had he
managed to lose her? He couldn't be sure.

	George finally came to a door. This would be the bathroom, if
the house he was in was the same as the Tendo home, as it seemed to be.
Slamming his piglet body against it, he managed to get it to swing open.
Everything would be all right.

	Inside the bathroom, a short-haired girl was drying herself with
a towel. Happy recognition crossed her face. "P-chan!!" she exclaimed,
as her towel fell away.

	George scrambled to get away. "P-chan, don't be afraid, it's
me!" she said. The boy-turned-pig caught sight of her
magnificiently-conditioned naked body, and fainted.

	David stared at the screen with glazed eyes.  Jen noticed
this and frowned.  "Nabiki, I think he's just a little *too*
interested, don't you?"
	Nabiki grinned at Jen.  "Haai!"
	*thud*  "Oww.. what was that for?"
	"Hentai!"

	George recovered and found himself in another room, neat and
tidy and with a bed that he was sitting on. Akane, now dressed in her
pajamas, was smiling at him warmly.

	"Oh P-chan, I'm so glad you're all right!" she cried, as she
embraced George in a tight hug.

	George had been with a few different girls in his life, and had
even gone all the way once or twice. But never in his life had he felt
anything like the tenderness and warmth of Akane's embrace. It was like
coming home, finding a home that he had never known. Finally, everything
*was* all right, there in her arms.

	Akane turned off the light and lay herself down on the bed.
"Good night, P-chan!" she said, as George snuggled close to her. If this
was what being a pig meant, he could gladly be a pig for a while.

	The light came on again. "Oh, I almost forgot. I wonder what
this letter says?" she said, opening the envelope that George had left
for her earlier. His contentment gave way to total panic as he
remembered what he had written.

	"Uh-oh," said David.
	Nabiki just grinned at the screen, her eyes twinkling.

	"That's strange. I wonder why it says to do that? I guess it
couldn't hurt to try, though." Akane took George in her arms, ignoring
his frantic protests, leaving her room and heading into the bathroom.

	"Don't be afraid," she said, turning on one of the faucets.
"Mommy won't hurt you. It's only a little hot water." She moved George
under the spigot, his pig body not nearly strong enough to resist.

	"Uh...." George found himself suddenly back in his normal body.
"About not hurting me..."

	Akane's scream filled the household.

	"Poor George," said Jen.

[snip]

				*****

	George ran. And ran and ran. His heart was pounding as if it was
about to explode. He wanted to go back home. He remembered an old
cartoon. HELP ME, MISTER WIZARD! I DON'T WANT TO BE A MARTIAL ARTIST
ANYMORE!

	After what seemed like hours, he stopped running, though he
couldn't stop puffing and panting. Finally it seemed that there was no
one chasing him. He was in the clear.

	"Hey there." Ranma stepped out from the evening shadows,
cracking his knuckles.

	"It wasn't supposed to happen this way," George said, to no one
in particular. "Not this way at all."

	"You stupid screw-up." Ranma said. "I oughtta give you a good
pounding right now."

	"Oh, yeah?" George felt his second wind; or maybe it was his
third or fourth. He was tired of being made a fool of. "Just try it,
pal. I've got an attack that's guaranteed to take you down." George felt
an energy building up inside of him as both boys assumed combat stances.
"This is it!" he yelled. "Cyberspace School of Martial Arts Final
Attack! The..."

	The killfile.

	All at once George knew that the Goddess had told him the truth.
She *had* given him an attack that could take down Ranma. In fact it
would kill him. George had come to help Ranma; he had screwed everything
up, caused him nothing but trouble, and now he was going to end up
killing him. That George, real helpful guy he is.

	On the other hand, Ranma was just a cartoon character, wasn't
he? And wouldn't killing him mean that Shampoo would then belong to the
man who killed him? The others would be pissed off, they'd try for
revenge, but he could escape with Shampoo back to her village. He could
become king of the amazons!

	Nabiki leaned forward, shaking her fist at the screen.
"Whadda ya mean, 'just a cartoon character'?!"
	David placed one hand on her shoulder.  "Hey, calm down.
I mean, it's just a 'fic, right?"
	"So you don't mind if Ryouga pays you a visit?" asked
Nabiki dangerously.  "You trashed him pretty thoroughly in your 
last story.  He's gonna be very angry."
	David sweated.

	The energy within George built toward its climax. There was no
turning back now, the energy was there, the attack had to be made. He
saw things clearly for the first time. He could see what he needed to do
to get what he wanted.

	But he wouldn't do it.

				*****

	There was a scream of deathly agony. The angry mob led by Akane
went to investigate. 

	"Huh?" Akane was shocked at what she saw. "He's... dead?!?"

	"Yeah," Ranma said. "He was gonna use his attack on me, but
looks like it backfired on him instead. Looks like we'll never know who
he really was."

	"Oh... that's too bad, I guess," Akane said. She had wanted to
kill George herself moments earlier, but when someone was dead it was
hard not to feel sorry for him.

	Unnoticed, a familiar little old lady watched the scene. "George
no baka," she said with a chuckle. No one was listening.

	She was carrying the Box of E'civedt'olp. It was time for it to
be put away; it had served its purpose.

	She let go of her body; it, along with the Box, dissolved into
the ether. This form was another one of her favorites, it was good for
catching people off-guard; but for now it had served its purpose as
well. The part of her essence that had given life to this manifestation
rose up through the cosmos, and merged into her larger being.

	She had been right, the Goddess thought; it was fun. This one
had provided her with even more amusement than she had expected.

	And the fun wasn't over. It was just beginning.

				*****

	George regained consciousness and looked around. It was a
streetcorner, one that looked a lot like the one he had fought Ranma on.
But this had to be the real world. The Goddess had told him that the
death of his body in this world would take him back to his own universe.

	But why did he still have his magnetic tape ribbon and razor
floppies? That didn't make any sense! Unless...

	George scraped one of his razor floppy disks across his arm.
Blood started flowing from the wound, but soon stopped as the wound
miraculously closed. Within a few moments it was as if he had never been
cut.

	Realization came to him at last. The old woman! The food she had
given him was the Mermaid Meat! He now had a body that couldn't be
killed. Still, that might not be so bad if...

	"Oh, I get it.  The Mermaid stories," said David.
	Nabiki giggled.
	"You could have said something earlier," he groused.  "I
mean, I've never read them, only heard about them.  How can I
be expected to get the in-jokes?"
	"He's explaining now," said Jen.  "You know, that was a
pretty cruel thing to do," she added.

	"Hey!" The angry mob that had been chasing George came around
the corner.

	He was still in the Ranma world. He was stuck there.

	"He's not dead!"

	"It was a trick!

	"Let's get him!"

	George ran.

			       THE END

	AUTHOR'S NOTES: When I first read Ranma, before I had ever heard
of fanfiction, I imagined that I could go into the Ranmaverse myself.
Surely with my knowledge of the series, I thought, I would be able to
help Ranma and friends out, tell them things that would make life easier
for them. It would be easy to change the status quo.

	As we fanfiction enthusiasts know, there are actually many
plausible ways in which the status quo of the Ranmaverse might change,
with or without an interfering outsider present. Many fics have written
with believable scenarios in which Akane finds who P-chan is, or in
which Kuno realizes who his Pig-Tailed Girl is, for example.

	Changing the status quo is easy; the trick is to *keep* it from
being changed. It was the genius of Rumiko Takahashi-sama that kept the
Ranma 1/2 series going through thirty-eight volumes, maintaining the
equilibrium of the series while keeping it always fresh and interesting.
In case anyone hasn't figured it out, she is the one represented by the
Goddess in this fic (I'm not the first author to refer to her as a
Kami).

	Please note that I am NOT saying that fanfics shouldn't change
the status quo. Whether this is a good thing or not depends on the
particular story.

	C&C is most welcome on this or any other of my works; in any
case, I hope you enjoyed it.

Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
      http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics

	The tape came to an end, and the VCR automatically began to
rewind.  "So, what did you think?" said David.
	Jen picked up her knitting from where she had put it down
beside her.  "I didn't like it much," she said with a slight
frown.  "I mean, basically this poor guy made a bad decision,
did some stupid things, and got pounded for it.  What's more,
he's being tortured by the being that thrust him into that
universe, and the characters are going to continue to bash him
forever, since it seems he can't die.  I didn't see the point."
	"I liked it," said Nabiki.  "Too many people try to solve
all the problems without bothering to ask the people involved.
It's good to see someone get punished for it."  She poked David
in the shoulder.  "What about you, Debiddu?"
	David grinned.  "I really liked it.  There have been a few
parodies of the self-insertion 'fic; some are better than others.
This was a pretty good one, I thought.  I liked all the in-jokes,
even if I didn't get all of them," he said with a dark look at
Nabiki, "but I can see how a 'fic of this nature would leave
someone like you, Jen, cold.  This one harks back to the
revenge-fic craze, when a bunch of masochistic authors wrote
stories in which the characters got back at them for all the
things they'd made the characters do."
	"Some of them more masochistic than others, ne, a-na-ta?"
put in Nabiki with an evil grin.  David blushed.
	"Yeah, well on the plus side there were only two spelling
mistakes, and one or two funny word usage points," said Jen.
"So, have you got another one?"
	"Nope, sorry, that's all for the moment.  I thought I'd
post the revised Nekophobia 6, and start on part 7."
	"What revisions?!" said Nabiki, grabbing David's arm in
both her hands.  She was now kneeling on the couch, facing him.
	"Er, well, er, um, you see, Nabiki, it's like this..."

--
David Eddy -- dje@progress.com
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/8341