Eheh... I seem to be going through writer's diarrhea right now. Cranking out
these things like crazy...
Anyway, here goes...
=====
Gratuitous Self
Part 8: Revenge is Best Served with a Side Dish of Fries
Templar had a strip of cloth with the words 'Write or DIE' around his head,
apparently (and unwittingly) borrowing from the Takezo school of writing
fanfics. He was also borrowing considerably from the Kojiro Sasaki school of
retaliation by writing this particular fic.
It was a retaliation fic.
"Yes, yes," he said to no one in particular,. "Pretty soon, I shall have my
revenge on both of you heathens..." He chuckled to himself, quietly at
first, then slowly louder and louder, until his roommate started staring at
him weirdly.
Roommate?
The Fallen Leader of the Holy Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo had a roommate?
Yes, that's right folks, underneath those formal trappings and regal descs
on the MUCKs and #iRC channels lay a struggling college student. An
intellectual snob, maybe, a little geeky, perhaps, but a college student,
nonetheless. Ah, the magic of the Net, where you could be the ugliest person
in the whole world and have a virtual relationship with another
pseudo-dashing person who, if you looked through the phone lines and server
connections and popped out of that person's monitor, you would find the
SECOND ugliest person in the world.
"Hey, 'J', aren't you done yet? I've got a thesis to write!" the wonderful
roommate of the year award winner complained. He was a writer's nightmare to
describe, because he was so nondescript. His face was nondescript. His hair
was nondescript. The way he dressed was so damn nondescript. The man was a
Gray Man, in Robert Jordan terms. He was the kind of guy you would overlook
even if you were the only two people left on the earth and you hadn't seen a
human being in twenty-five years. And you were both on a desert island. That
was five feet across. And had only one coconut tree, which... er...
Where was I? Oh, yeah...
Templar, or 'J', rather, was still banging away at the keyboard like a
madman. Which he very nearly was, actually. "Not now, John," he said. "Not
when my revenge is so close! So close I can almost taste it!"
Yes, Mr. Roommate of the Year was named John Smith. Why? What's so special
about being named John Smith?
That's precisely it. It's nothing special. Don't believe me?
I dare you to look for your Third Grade classmate named John Smith, armed
with nothing but a phonebook of the greater New York area.
"Suit yourself," John said. Of all the nutbars in this university, I had to
end up with the stupid Reese's piece.
And so, amid the incessant clicking and mad laughter and ranting about
tasting the victim's blood and sweat and other, nastier bodily fluids, John
Smith number 382,925 tried to get some sleep.
Templar, or 'J' if you prefer (frankly, I prefer 'J'. Easier to type.) had
already planned out the entire thing.
'Turning Road 7: You Will All Die, Heathens!!!' starts out with Kuno and
Akane going on a date, and Ranma would arive ad the pig-tailed girl, trying
to tempt Kuno, and Takezo and Nabiki would watch from a corner, plotting to
drive the couple apart, and Kojiro and Ukyo would arrive, then Ukyo would
run out at the sight of Nabiki and Takezo together, then Takezo would stand
up, giving chase to Ukyo, but then the doorway would be blocked by this
mysterious samurai with an eyepatch over his left eye, who would, uh... It'd
be better to do this by excerpt.
=====
"You... heathen! You shall die by my blade!"
"Oh, yes, milord! Please bring me an honorable death!" Takezo said as he
bowed beneath the samurai's katana."
"I shall bring you to rest, heathen," the samurai said as with one deft
slice, so skillfully done and with such precise...
[excerpt cut short due to long-windedness and gratuitous self-gratification]
"And you, Kojiro Sasaki! Shall you return to the fold or must I cleanse your
filthy soul with my divine blade? You are filth. I shall cleanse."
"No, milord, I shall bow before your superior might... "
[blah blah blah]
"Oh, who art thou, oh dashing samurai?"
"Oh, fair maiden? You ask my name? I am deeply honored to be addressed by
such a goddess as yourself."
"Oh, you flatter me, dear sir."
"Oh, no milady. It is I whom you flatter"
[and several more 'Oh, (insert cheesy line here)'s later.]
And so, the dashing samurai and the beautiful goddess walked off into the
sunset...
=====
"Yes! YES! My revenge is now complete! Now to post it on the mailing list!"
"Shut up! I'm trying to get some sleep here, you twit!"
"Hmph. Philistine." 'J' (or Templar. Whatever.) turned on his mail client,
sifted through several fanfics which he really didn't care about (lacking
sorely in Nabiki appearances), and started to post...
Wait. Wait wait wait wait... wait... What was that last fic?
"NO!!! NonononononoNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" 'J' took out a mallet from out
of... somewhere (the back closet, to be precise -- what'd you expect?
Hammerspace?) and was about to mallet the poor, innocent PC when he himself
got hammered by John. John Smith. Shaken and damn stirred.
"WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN YOU IDIOT!!! What do you think you're doing? I still
need to do my thesis on this PC, you know!"
Pushing away 'J' now-catatonic form, John sat down in front of the terminal.
"What the heck are you so freaked out about, anyway?" He looked at the
highlighted message.
"Sender: Takezo Musashi. Subject: Turning Road Part 7 - Oh, What a Tangled
Web We Weave... Alright! He finally posted part 7! I LOVE this series!"
=====
Kuno and Akane were having a lively discussion about nothing in particular.
The kind of discussion a couple usually has on a first date.
The café was cozy. That was the best way to describe it. It had a homey kind
of feel to it, like an old house, which made it a rarity in the usually
stainless steel and ceramic world of modern Japanese design. The seats were
wooden and looked like the kind your grandmother would usually sit in. The
tabletops were wooden, too, and several things like fishing rods and old
signposts lined the wall.
Suddenly, a pig-tailed girl in a frilly pink dress and wide-brimmed straw
hat entered through the front door. She daintily walked down the aisles
between tables, looking through long lashes at all the boys staring at her,
giggling every so often. She made her way to Kuno and Akane's window seat,
and said in a voice that reminded some of glass summer chimes, "Oh, Ku--no!"
=====
"And Ranma is up to his old tricks," said John.
=====
Akane's face twisted in disgust. Not again, she thought to herself. What is
it with Ranma? Why is he doing all this just to ruin our date?
"Oh, it's the pig-tailed girl," said Kuno. He smiled slightly, and said,
"Nice dress."
Ranma giggled. "You like it, Kuno-chan?"
"Oh, yes, quite. It suits you nicely."
"This is disgusting," the man in the corner booth said. He was in a trench
coat and a pair of shades, much like the woman he was sitting across of.
"You're telling me. Ranma's making a complete fool out of himself again,"
the woman said.
The man put down his cup of coffee. "You think this'll work?"
"I don't know," the woman replied. "Ranma's deeper in hock for this little
plan of his."
The man grinned and lifted the nosepiece of his shades with his index
finger. "I remember."
-----
"Please, Nabiki, I need to borrow one of your dresses for this!"
And once again, like that one time last Christmas, Ranma was in Nabiki's
room, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Nabiki was, again, sitting on her bed.
Nabiki shook her head. "I'm sorry, Ranma, but I can't lend you any more
clothes. You got my last one all dirty, as I recall."
"How was I supposed to know Ryoga would get all touchy-feely with me?
Besides, I washed that dress!"
"Nevertheless, Ranma, none of my clothes can be lent anymore."
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "But..? There's got to be a catch somewhere, right?"
"However," she continued, ignoring Ranma's remark, "they ARE for rent."
"So what the heck makes it any different from last time?!"
"What kind of dress would you want?" Again ignoring Ranma's remark.
"I... mumble mumble..."
"What was that?"
"I SAID I WANT A FRILLY DRESS! YOU HAPPY NOW?!"
"Hey, hey! No need to be so touchy! Geez!" She walk over to her closet and
opened it. Strangely, she seemed like she was nodding as she did so. Then
she took out a disgustingly frilly and lacy pink dress. "I'm sure you'll
look adorable in this, cutie!"
"Aw, shut up," Ranma snapped as he reached for the dress.
Nabiki held it back. "Ranma..."
"Okay, okay! I owe you 5000 yen!"
"Wrong, Ranma. You owe me 5000 yen MORE."
"Whatever. Give me that." He snatched the dress from Nabiki and stormed out
of the room.
"Enjoy your frilly dress, Ranma!" Nabiki called out as the door shut. She
sat back down and turned to the closet. "Well?" she said.
The closet door opened, and Takezo stepped out, recorder in hand. He
chuckled. "I wonder how much he'd pay to make sure this didn't ever see the
light of day?" He pressed the 'play' button. [I SAID I WANT A FRILLY DRESS!
YOU HAPPY NOW?] He stopped the recorder and put it into his back pocket.
"He's so easy to manipulate," Nabiki said.
"Yes, but are you sure this'll work?" Takezo said.
"I hope it does, but you never can tell. This is the new Kuno, after all."
They were silent for a moment, then Takezo said, "Nabiki."
Nabiki turned to face him. "What is it?"
"Why do you trust me? We're supposed to be enemies, as you recall."
She was paused for a moment, as if looking for the right words. Then she
spoke. "Precisely."
"What? What do you mean?"
"We're enemies. That's why I trust you." She stood up and looked out the
window, back turned to Takezo. "You can never tell if or when a stranger or
a friend will stab you in the back. At least, since you're my enemy, I know
for sure that you will, sooner or later. At least I can count on that. At
least I can trust you to do that."
Takezo stared after Nabiki. "Nabiki..."
-----
An uneasy silence passed between the two of them as they remembered.
Takezo and Nabiki both took up their cups and sipped their coffee at the
same time.
"Hey!" Kojiro exclaimed, in another corner booth. "What's the big idea?
What's Takezo doing, acting all chummy with my girlfriend?!"
"Ask me if I care," Ukyo said flatly as she took a sip of her iced coffee.
"So, Kuno," Ranma was saying, "why don't we leave this dump and go somewhere
more private where we can be alone with each other?"
"You're getting this all on tape, right?" Nabiki said.
"Yep," Takezo answered, pointing to the cleverly hidden recorder/napkin
holder on Kuno's table.
"No, I don't think so," Kuno said. "At least not right now. I'm in the
middle of a date."
Is my natural sex appeal failing me? Ranma thought. Is it my breath? Is it
my teeth? Is something stuck in my teeth?
"It's not that I don't find you attractive," Kuno continued. "It's just
that, well, it'd be rude if I just left Akane here like that. Right, Akane?"
Akane could do nothing but smile weakly and nod.
"So," Kuno finished, "if it's not too much to ask, kindly leave us alone for
a while, Ranma."
=====
John stared at the screen in shock. "Wh-what?!"
=====
Akane looked at Kuno in surprise.
Ranma fared no better. In fact, he was totally incoherent at this point.
"Uh... gaah... g-g-gaah... gaah...graah..."
"I think what he means to say is, Kuno," Akane said, "You... You knew?"
"Of course," Kuno said. "I'm not stupid, you know."
"Oh, great," Takezo said, sighing. "Now what?"
"Well," Nabiki said, "if all else fails, I guess we can always bonk him on
the head."
"I have a feeling that's going to be easier said than done, now."
"What? That pig-tailed girl is Ranma?" Kojiro exclaimed.
"Where were you when they handed out the brains?" Ukyo sighed.
Ranma marched into the kitchen. "Gimme hot water!" he shouted at one of the
cooks.
"I wonder what the problem is," Kuno said to Akane.
So do I, she thought silently.
=====
"And now the kit gloves come off," John said, munching on a bag of popcorn
he had brought to the computer.
"You..." 'J' was saying, finally coming to, "you are reading the satanic
verses..."
"Ah, shaddup," John said as he hammered 'J' for a second time, sending him
back to la-la-land.
=====
The café was cozy. That was the best way to describe it. It had a homey kind
of feel to it, like an old house, which made it a rarity in the usually
stainless steel and ceramic world of modern Japanese design. The seats were
wooden and looked like the kind your grandmother would usually sit in. The
tabletops were wooden, too, and several things like fishing rods and old
signposts lined the wall.
Consequently, Ranma looked totally out of place when he finally re-entered
in his Chairman Mao outfit, complete with matching red star cap. "Yo! Kuno!
Let's take this outside!" he shouted as he stormed towards Kuno and Akane's
table, cracking their knuckles.
"Ra.. Ranma?" Akane looked puzzled as she watched Ranma. Then... she
suddenly grinned mischievously. Oh, now I get it, she thought.
Kuno simply turned to Ranma and said, "Hey, Ranma. What can I do for you now?"
"What can I... Look here! You are dating my fiancée! Am I supposed to stand
back and let you do that?" Ranma fumed.
"Ranma..." Akane started, but then Kuno stopped her with a calm raise of his
hand.
"Ranma," he said, "I'm a man of honor. That hasn't changed. So, let me put
it this way." He shrugged. "Just to make it formal, okay?"
Everyone in the restaurant was staring at them now; in particular, the
couple dressed in trench coats and shades, seated in a corner booth.
"This looks bad," Takezo said, as he took a sip of his coffee.
"I know, I know," Nabiki answered, putting down her own cup. "Let's just see
how this turns out, okay?"
"Okay," Ranma said. "What are the terms?"
"Simple," Kuno said. "All you have to do is tell Akane you love and I'll
never bother her again."
Takezo nearly spat out his coffee. "Wh-what?!"
"That's it," Nabiki said. "He's finished."
=====
John finished reading, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead. "That was
incredible! Damn you, Takezo! How dare you leave such a cliffhanger!"
'J' jumped up, fist raised. "That's right! Damn the heathen! May the Goddess
strike you down!"
John hammered 'J' again. "That's not what I meant you idiot!"
"Look at this," Takezo pointed to the monitor. "Another dissatisfied customer."
"Well," Bob said, "you left them at a cliffhanger. What do you expect?"
"Hmm." Takezo read the message. "'Great work, but HOW DARE YOU LEAVE US
HANGING LIKE THIS?! I demand that you finish part 8 right this instant!' I'm
trying, okay? Just wanted some dramatic tension."
"What's this?" Bob pointed at a fanfic post. "A Simpsons-Mecha crossover?
'Springfield Elementary School becomes a base for three mecha that combine
to form the Mighty Invincible Robot GAIJIN-OH?!' Now THAT'S obscure!"
"You want obscure?" Takezo scrolled back up a few messages. "Check this one
out! 'Taimu Turaberu TondeRanman! Ranma, searching for hot water, discovers
a talking teakettle that turns out to be a time machine that brings him back
to the peak of the Musk Dynasty!'"
"Wow! Either there's this outpouring of people watching obscure anime..."
"Or TimeRunner's been watching too much anime on TV again." Both Bob and
Takezo give hooded looks to... er... Hi, guys.
Eheh... I think it's time to end this installment. They've spotted me.
In Part 9: Faceoff! Can Ranma finally tell Akane he loves her? *pikupiku*
Naaah. All we can really hope for is for more trouble for Takezo! Yeah!
Yeah! We want Takezo to suffer! All the sake of the enjoyment of us, the
Readers! You who are about to die, we salute you!
And now, an extremely difficult installment of:
The Gratuitous Scorecard!
Gray Man: 5 pts. (just a warm-up, people)
Musk Dynasty - 5 pts. Warm up, people...
"You are filth. I shall cleanse." - 10 pts. Warmed up, yet?
"Hmph, Philistine." - name the comic where one character says this on a
regular basis, 10 pts! And 10 more for the character's name!
"Gaijin-Oh" 20 pts!!!
"Time Travel TondeRanman" - another 20 pts!!!
And finally, the 30 point bonus question: What does 'J' stand for?!
Good luck, and watch out for part 9!!!
TimeRunner, May 28, 1997
=====
"Put your money where your foot is!"
TimeRunner's Fics can be found at:
TimeRunner Central
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482