As the lights come up in the theatre, Windir is mournfully examining the 
tattered remains of a velvet smoking jacket.

Windir: "We really oughta get out and around in the town some more." I 
distinctly recall the phrase, coming as it did from such... pedestrian... 
vocal cords, as it were. <Wistful> "Surely it would be beneficial to 
involve ourselves to a greater degree in the affairs of the community, 
inasmuch as it is truly the lifeblood that sustains us all," I can 
remember thinking. "What would be the harm in it?" <Shakes the jacket at 
Frito> *Here* is the harm in it, you misbegotten wretch! This is all 
*your* fault!

Frito: <Shaking his head and tsk'ing> Hey, how was I supposed ta know you 
was gonna play Sam Spade out there? Sheesh, maybe ya wouldda been happier 
if dat Bloody Card *had* killed ya!

Windir: <In a long-suffering tone> Oh, joy. A Dashiell Hammett 
comparison. My evening is surely complete.

Lyra: <Walking in> Not quite yet, guys. Heads up! <She tosses a packet to 
the other two>

Windir: <Looking bemusedly at the packet> And this is?

Lyra: The press packet for our next 'fic. <Looks back at the projection 
booth> ROLL 'EM!

Hiya folks!  This was the hardest chapter to write, because I was so, so 
busy, not to mention I had a slight writer's block somewhere around the 
first part. 

[Editor's note: I've been there, yup.]

Windir: Indeed. <Stern look> 

[Editor's note: Oh. Ah-heh. Eep! Yes, "Ranma Pride: The Stacked Deck" 
*is* in progress! I promise!]

If you been noticing, the SM universe has been more 
character-driven, while the Ranma universe is action-driven. So that's why 
it took so long to write. But it's all done, and I am so glad, I started 
right into Chapter 7, which shouldn't take any time at all.

Windir: A... Ranma/Sailor Moon crossover? <Frowns forbiddingly> This does 
not bode well.

Frito: Aw, don't get yer panties in a wad, Windy!

Windir: Panties?

The temperature in the room falls another couple of levels.

Lyra: <Stepping between them> Look, we've all had a long day. Why not 
just review the story, so we can all get some rest?

Windir: If you insist. Though I completely fail to see the wisdom, let 
alone the necessity, in reviewing this story. Ranma and Sailor Moon are 
two of the most prolific, not to say omnipresent, fanfic genres in 
existence. Stories set there -- let alone crossovers between the two -- 
hardly need encouragement or nurturing, particularly when so many 
deserving, lesser-known series are starved for attention.

Lyra: And how many of those 'lesser-known series' have you seen, Windir? 
How many of those fanfics have *you* commented on?

Windir freezes for a moment, before recovering.

Windir: Admittedly, I have seen very little or nothing of such promising 
series as Yu Yu Hasuko or Escaflowne, to name but two that received 
recent fanfic attention. Nevertheless, I hardly think it fair to hold 
that fact against our editor, considering the fact he lives in an area 
where even commercial releases can be difficult to find.

Lyra: Exactly. So what about the writers who get stuck the same way?

Windir: ...

Lyra: Uh-huh.

Frito: 'Sides, they can be a lotta fun! Somethin' familiar like Ranma or 
SM, da author can just relax and run with it, right?. <Grins>

Lyra: Also, we could use the money. I think Frito told Kaede a little 
white lie this afternoon about our bank account...

Frito: Look, she *still* needs the dough more than we do, ne? So let's do 
it.

				Be it Ever So Humble...
				The Making of a Strong Heart
				Chapter Six

Lyra: Hmmm... aren't you forgetting something, Windir? <Arch look>

Windir: Perhaps you would enlighten me?

Frito: Hows about da 'story so far'?

Windir: Oh, very well. If you insist. <Flips through the packet> Ahem. 
Through a freak accident strongly reminiscent of dozens of grade 'B' 
science fiction movies --

Frito: Hey! All right, so da switcheroo gimmick is somethin' cheesy like 
outa Star Trek. It works, so deal with it.

Windir: *Ahem*. To continue... Akane Tendo and Lita Kino (a.k.a. Sailor 
Jupiter) exchange places due to this highly convenient 'accident,' 
leaving Akane in the Sailor Moon universe, and Lita in the Ranmaverse. 

Lyra: Hmmm. Dub names?

Windir: Leave us not reopen *that* debate, yes?

Lyra: Uh. <Shakes head> Um, yeah. Good idea.

Suddenly, her eyes flew open, and she knew that something was dreadfully, 
horribly wrong.  She sprung from the bed to the floor in a fighter's 
stance, her hands ready to do lethal violence.  Frowning, she cocked an 
ear.  It was quiet.  Too quiet.  It wasn't supposed to be quiet.  What 
happened to everyone?

Windir: <Dryly> Yes, one might imagine that something is wrong.

Akane relaxed, wondering if she should feel depressed about not waking up 
in her own world.  Normally, she would always awaken to the sound of 
shrieking, whether it was from her alarm clock or from Ranma landing in 
the carp pool.  Small wonder she was jerked from sleep moments ago.  The 
house had never been *this* peacefully quiet.

Lyra: Good point.

Frito: Awww, that's no fun! <Pouts>

She washed up and rummaged through the dresser, coming up, to her delight, 
with a training gi.  Well, might as well take advantage of the early hour.

She tiptoed out of the house and did some warm-ups, breathing in the cool 
morning air.  Then she shifted to some kempo exercises, marveling at how 
focused she was (it must be the temple, or the solitude).  No Ranma making 
fun of her.  No Happosai pouncing on her.  Despite her circumstance, she 
could feel her mood strangely lifting.

"The temple can do that, sometimes."

Akane whirled to see Rei, clad in her temple clothes, leaning on a whisk 
broom and smiling at her.

Lyra: Heh. I wonder what Rei'd think if she *really* knew what went on at 
the dojo...

"How did you...?"

"One of the benefits of being a Shinto priestess.  But I don't need to be 
psychic to see your look of awe about this place.  I take it you're not 
used to waking up to such peaeful mornings."

"No," Akane admitted with a smile of her own.  "I think around this time 
I'm is usually booting Ranma into the atmosphere.  But you're right.  This 
place is so peaceful."

"Yeah, I know." Rei closed her eyes, allowing the rising sun to play 
gently on her face.  "Taking care of this place can be a pain sometimes, 
but there are benefits."

Frito: Ya mean Rei didn't pick up on dat? Sheesh. She's cute, but geez, 
she ain't paying attention!

Lyra: <Deadpan> Either that, or it's not something out of the ordinary 
for the Sailor Moon universe.

"Chad!  What did I tell you about the temple steps?"

"But I just cleaned them, Rei!  Just like you told me to!"

"Then why are there leaves still scattered across them?"

"Oh, you meant *those*!  I thought you meant the back steps!"

Rei glowered at him.  "Akane, maybe you should go in and get ready for 
breakfast.  I'll be right back."  Before Akane could ask why, she hefted 
her broom and charged towards Chad, who eeped and took off in an unmanlike 
manner.  "You idiot!  What steps do you think people see when they come 
here?!"

"Sorry Rei!  Sorry Rei!  Don't hit me!  Yeowwwch!!"

Windir: Hmmm. Perhaps you are correct. Admittedly, my lack of knowledge 
of the Sailor Moon universe may be limiting me, if one may call that a 
limitation... but is this particularly normal behavior for them?

Lyra: Oh, well. He probably deserved it. <Winks>

**I guess male bashing is the same wherever you go.**  Akane mused as she 
went back into the house.  Somehow, seeing Rei lose her temper made her 
less mysterious and more real to life.  Chasing guys with various blunt 
objects was something Akane was more familiar with.

Frito: You ain't kiddin' sister! 

As she washed, she idly wondered about Chad.  Rei had mentioned him last 
night.  He must be hired help...help that was obviously in love with his 
employer.  Akane had not missed the adoration on his face.  The same look 
would come upon Mousse whenever he looked toward his darling Shampoo.  
And, in true Shampoo fashion, Rei seemed to despise Chad.

**What is with guys falling for headstrong women who treat them like dirt, 
anyway?  Don't they know they have absolutely no chance at all?  They're 
better off if they found girls that respected them, or even knew that they 
existed.  If there was a guy that felt that way about me, I would 
definitely treat him better than that!**  She thought back to Chad's look 
as she soaped her washcloth.  **At least, if anyone looked at me like 
that, I would notice it and not ignore him.  Hmm...I wonder...**

Unbidden, an image sprung to her mind.

"Oh, no. Not him.  He would never look at me like that."

Furiously, she attacked her reddening cheeks with the washcloth, hoping it 
would scrub away a certain pig-tailed guy in the process.

Windir: Rather self-conscious, perhaps... but otherwise, a quite 
reasonable evocation of the bond between our sundered compatriots.

Lyra: "Rather"?

Windir: Oh, very well. *Quite* self-conscious. Does that satisfy you?

"An early riser, aren't you?"  Quipped Grandpa Hino.  "When I saw you 
weren't in your room, I thought you already left us."

Windir: That should be lower-case after the quotation, unless one is 
beginning a new sentence.

Frito rolls his eyes.

"Oh, no."  Akane said around an apple.  "I always get up early to do my 
exercises.  At least, I try to anyway."

"Really?  Trained in the martial arts as well?  Those moves you were doing 
earlier shows you definitely have potential to be a temple girl.  How's 
about it?"

"Huh? How did you...?"

"GRANDPA!"  Rei snapped from the doorway.  For a moment, Akane thought she 
was dressed as Sailor Mars again. **I thought it was supposed to be a 
secret identity.** A closer look showed her dress was dark grey instead of 
red. "What did I tell you about spying on people?!"

"Aww, Rei, it wasn't my fault she left the curtains open when I happened 
to be doing my own mediations."

Lyra: <Musing> You know, he sounds an awful lot like Frito, here --

Frito: Hey!

Lyra: -- does he really sound that childish in the original? I admit, I'm 
not any more sure than Windir is.

Frito: Windy? Ain't bein' sure? Ha. Da sky is fallin'! Da sky is fallin'!

"Grandpa, how could you?  Akane's our guest!  I will not have you running 
about like some hormone drenched teenager!  I already have to put up with 
Chad!  You're too old to--"

The old man's expression changed from cunning to harried.  "Uh, Rei, I 
think I hear customers.  Yes!  I better go get them some charms...or 
something."  Without saying goodbye, he scampered out with a quickness 
that would put Genma-san's panda-panicked retreats to shame.

Rei shook her head and clenched her fist.  "Sometimes...sometimes...men 
can be so juvenile no matter how old they are!"

"Tell me about it."  Akane murmured.  They looked at each other and began 
giggling.

Windir: Perhaps. <Sour look> Of course, one might point out that even the 
example Akane might be familiar with, and whom I suspect the author may 
be trying to evoke, is rather less juvenile than that...

Frito: <Puzzled> Huh? Example?

Windir: <Sighing> Happosai. As annoying as he can be, he does not resort 
to such childish utterings as "Awwww."

"I guess it's the same wherever you go."  Rei said as she poured some rice 
cereal in a bowl and began wolfing it down.

"Umm, are you going off to school?"

"I wouldn't be dressed like this if I wasn't.  T&A's colors aren't exactly 
vogue this year."

"Ano...T&A?"

Frito: Woo, WOO!

Lyra: Frito no hentai! Boot to the Head! <THUD>

Frito went sailing into the curtains framing the screen.

Lyra: In the name of fanfic critiquing, I punish you... GAAH! <Claps hand 
over mouth> Dear Ghu, what did I almost say?!?

Windir stares at her in horror.

Windir: Perhaps... we should leave this for another time?

Lyra: <Shakily> No, no, I'll be all right. I think.

"My school. T&A Private Girls School.  It's a Catholic school of sorts."

Lyra: <Curiously> Is it *really* called that?

Windir: Is this something we really *wish* to know?

Akane blinked.  "A Shinto priestess going to a Catholic school?"  **And in 
a uniform *that* short?!**

Rei winked.  "I have to get some religion with my education.  Besides, 
Catholic school produces the most mentally-stable students."

Akane thought of a certain ribbon-wielding psycho and wisely kept silent.

Lyra: Heh.

Windir: Indeed.

Frito: Well, ya gotta admit, she'd fit right in at *this* school... ack!

After a moment, Windir and Lyra removed their collective stranglehold.

At first, she wandered aimlessly, letting her feet take over while her 
eyes took in the sights about her.  This world wasn't so different from 
her own world, if you didn't count the liberal use of English words 
intermixed with Japanese kanji.  Besides an odd building or two, the 
streets were laid out in the same manner.  The people also looked the 
same, though the dialects were definitely different from Nerima.  In fact, 
the people didn't sound Japanese at all.  One girl she passed was telling 
her friend about the new drawing pencils she got in a voice she would 
expect from a character in "Gone With the Wind".  And the two little boys 
teased a little girl about her Sailor Moon pin in perfectly clipped New 
England accents, like how Amy talked.  It made Akane wonder about her own 
voice, so curiously chipmunk-high.  

Windir: <Frowning> I... see. 

Frito: Yah, so da author is sayin' somethin' about the dubs --

Windir: Evidently, Frito, as even the most developmently-challenged 
elementary student could determine. The question then becomes what, 
precisely, she is trying to say. While I find it difficult to believe she 
casually dropped this observation in as a mere bagatelle, a moderately 
amusing trifle with no additional meaning --

Lyra: <Wryly> Just because *you* wouldn't do something so "utterly 
lacking in all additional nuance"...

Windir: -- I nevertheless cannot determine what, precisely, she was 
trying to say. Was she endeavouring to display the utter futility of 
replacing a trained Japanese seiyuu with an American hack artist?

Lyra: <Eyes twinkling> You're going to have the dub defenders on a jihad 
soon if you keep this up.

A seething cloud of dust zoomed past, barely recognizable only by the 
pigtails flapping behind it.  Akane cheerfully waved to it.  "Ohayo 
gozaimasu, Serena!"

Windir: Hmmm. Rather a blase reaction, one must say.

Lyra: <Grinning> Well, obviously she's used to... um, people on the move. 
Heh... I'd like to see what she'd do with A-Ko going by...

"Can't talk!  Running!  Bye!"  puffed the cloud as it streaked down the 
street.  A mere second later, a muffled growl made Akane look down to see 
Luna, toting a lunch bag in her mouth, straining to catch up to the 
speeding teenager.  "Surrrmmaaa!  Uuurrr unch!"  The duo whipped around a 
corner.

Windir: Heh.

Frito: Awwww. Poor Luna.

Akane was still staring after them when a body slammed into her.  "Ouch!  
Why don't you watch where--oh, Akane!  What are you doing in the middle of 
the sidewalk like that?"

Akane reached out her hand to help Mina to her feet.  "Sorry about that.  
I was just watching Serena go by."

"You mean she's ahead of me for once!  No way!"  With a cry, Mina dashed 
past Akane, throwing back over her shoulder.  "Don't forget lunch, 'kay?!" 
She took off in the same direction, her long hair streaming behind her 
and a small, white streak (which toted a brown bag in its mouth) tagging 
at her heels.

Lyra: Heh he he.

Windir: <Flipping through character descriptions, then rubbing his chin> 
Hmmm. I was under the impression that she was the tactical leader of the 
team?

Lyra: <Inquisitive, slightly befuddled look> Well, that's what it says 
here.

Frito: Yeah, so what's your point?

Windir: Would you consider this to be proper behavior for a leader? 

Frito: <Sidelong look at Lyra, smirking> Oh, I dunno 'bout that...

Lyra glares at him quietly.

"Your dad, huh?  So if she's so bent on seeing her 'family', how come you 
ain't there to share in the family reunion?"

Akane's patience was wearing very thin and before she could stop herself, 
she snapped,  "Look, I'm not going to rob her blind.  I'm just going to 
water her plants and that's all.  You got a problem with that, take it up 
with her when she comes back, okay?  It's called a friendly gesture and I 
don't have to tell you anything!"

The gardener's lips pursed as if he'd eaten a bad prune.  For a moment, 
she thought he would physically toss her out of the complex until, with a 
sharp laugh, he bent back to his work.  "All right, all right. No need to 
convince me anymore. With a temper like that, you two definitely must be 
related."

Windir: Interesting comparison...

Lyra: Heh.

Windir: ...and an interesting character. However, his rather strong 
presence -- both here and later in the chapter -- does beg the question 
of his appearance in the source material. I must admit, my limited 
exposure to the original did not include him... did they include anything 
on him in the press packet?

Lyra: Um... nope.

Frito: Sheesh. Helloooo-ooo! <Knocks on Windir's head> Hey, don't make a 
big deal about it, OK? In da 'greater cosmic scheme a' things,' it don't 
make no difference, right?

Lita's apartment was on the eighth floor, if one could call it an 
apartment.  To Akane's eyes, it was more of a condo, with large windows 
opened to the east.  The furnishings was tasteful and modern.  A 
kitchenette lined the south wall, while the west wall held a bookcase, an 
entertainment system, and a half-shut door that Akane assumed led to the 
bedroom.  Plants of all sizes and hues lined the windows.  The entire 
place was immaculately clean and orderly, except for the sofa, which held 
a light green sweater tossed its cushions, 

Lyra: <Deadpan> Sounds like it had indigestion.

and a bookbag, books and papers 
(with red marks) spilling from it to land on the sofa and floor.  It look 
like someone had just returned to school and suddenly had to leave in an 
awful hurry.

Windir: "Just returned to school"? Should that not be "Just returned 
*from* school"? If not, I would be curious as to the intentions of the 
author; they are not entirely clear here.

Frito rolls his eyes but says nothing.

Angrily, she dashed that thought out of her head.  **Foolish girl**, she 
chided herself.  **Getting all worked up over someone I haven't even seen, 
much less met.  It's not her fault she got zapped to my world.  And why 
should I care what Ranma thinks anyway?  The pervert already has Ukyo, 
Kodachi, and Shampoo begging to be his.  Why should I care if he wants to 
bring Lita into his personal harem?  I'm not jealous!**

Lyra: <Smiling> Too late, already happened. Not that Akane seemed to mind 
too much...

Frito: <Lecherous cackle> Yeah, she was too busy doin' other things... 
hehehe... Hey, Ryoga! Ya wanna share?!?

Windir: I would hardly consider "Lemon Sherbet" to be a canonical 
reference.

She scooped up Lita's stuff, intending to set them just inside Lita's 
bedroom, but as she pushed the door wider, she blinked at the sight before 
her.  Lita's neatness extended to her bedroom, but her walls was nearly 
covered completely with posters of men: Jackie Chan, the band Rabbit, U2, 
etc.  What was odd was that on every poster was a handwritten comment, 
scrawled with little hearts next to each man:  "Got his eyes!" "His hands 
are so like Freddy's!" Freddy's hair was darker, but it's his style!"  
"Smile flashes just like Freddy!"

Frito: Gaaah!

Lyra: Hoo, boy. There really can be too much of a good thing, you know.

"How mean!" cried Lita in a cutsey voice (which sounded mysteriously like 
Ukyo's for some reason).  "How about if I make you lunch from now on?"  
She whipped out a lunchbox and chopsticks.  "You know, you look so much 
like my old boyfriend, it's scary!"

Ranma opened his mouth to accept Lita's offering. "Well, you look 
absolutely nothing like my fiancee.  You're so much cuter..."

"RANMA NO BAKA!!!"

Akane jumped at the sound of her own voice.  She looked down to see that 
she was crumpling Lita's photo in her clenched hands.  Hastily, she began 
smoothing it.  **I'm not jealous.  I'm not jealous.  Just because she's a 
better cook than me and she's better looking than me doesn't mean--I'm not 
jealous. I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...**

Lyra: <Shaking her head, smiling ruefully> No matter how much you try to 
deny it, Akane...

A minute later, Mina bounced in.  "Hey girlfriend!  What's up?"

"How did you know I was here?  I thought you were on your way to school."

"I was, but they closed the gates on me, so it looks like I get an off 
day."  She set her bookbag down on the couch.  "I figured since you were 

Windir: <Plaintively> Are you *sure* she's the team leader?

"The landlord.  His real name is Mr. Ferguson, but we call him Fidget 
since he tends to snap at anyone who steps on his precious property, 
including his own tenets.  I'm amazed he let you in by yourself."

Windir: <Dubious look> Well, I might possibly see him as scorning his own 
beliefs, but...

Lyra: I think she meant "tenants," Windy.

"I--uh, was just thinking about home.  Being here made me realize how much 
I miss everyone back home.  I guess it kinda got to me after a while."  
Not exactly a lie; in a sense, she was missing her own room, her own 
family and friends.

Frito: Yah right.

To Akane's surprise, Mina's bookbag wiggled and a furry white head popped 
out of the opening.  "Well, it's about time!  Do you know how stuffy it is 
in there?"

Lyra: Heh.

Mina giggled as she bent to extricate the cat.  "Yeah, but let's not 
forget the last time I had to smuggle you in here.  I didn't have my bag 
and there was no other place to put you.  That's the last time you get to 
see the inside of my blouse!"

Artemis pouted in a way only a cat can.  "As if there's anything to 
see...yeowwch!!"  He began to fan his rapidly-reddening nose.

Windir: Really. <Raised eyebrow> And just where did *this* come from, o 
esteemed author?

Frito: Heheheheh...

The wounded look Artemis gave her made Akane giggle.  She reached out to 
scoop the cat into her arms, scratching beneath his chin.  "Oh, I'm sure 
he won't ever catch you."

"Be careful, Akane.  You're gonna spoil him."

Artemis meowed throatily.   "Are you kidding?  This is the best I've ever 
been treated!"

"That's because she doesn't know how much of a pervert you are.  Yet."

Artemis only meowed again and stuck his pointed tongue out at her, causing 
Akane to giggle again.  

Windir: Hmm. An accomplished student of the feline psyche, one must admit 
*that* of our author.

Already she was feeling better.  

Lyra: <Eyes twinkling> I'm not surprised.

The girl was good.  The girl was really good.  Underneath her bubbly 
personality, which Akane discovered to be almost exactly like Serena's, 
was a seasoned, professional fighter.  Not as good as Ranma was in his 
girl form, but she could definitely give Shampoo or Ukyo a good fight. She 
was certainly whipping Akane's tail.

Mina suddenly broke away from the door, shooting a fist towards Akane's 
midsection.  Swiftly, she blocked it, twisted and brought her foot up, 
trying to catch the girl's other hand falling towards her.  Instead, Mina 
caught it and yanked, sending Akane to the floor with a woosh.

Windir: Very well, I might provisionally accept her status... but I still 
find it rather incongruous. 

"Well, when you fight off hordes of guys, you have to be good."  Akane 
said absently.  "They stopped attacking me once Ranma showed up, but every 
once in a while..."  She hesitated as she noticed Mina staring at her.

"Hordes of guys.  Chasing you.  Right.  Where did you say you come from 
again?"

Lyra: I was wondering when she'd drop in another funny bit about how the 
Ranmaverse looks from the outside...

Frito: Either dat, or maybe she's just slammin' Akane! Booooo!

Artemis shook his head and grumbled.  "That girl!  Ever since that battle 
with Beryl she's been acting goofier and goofier.  I sometimes wonder if 
she's doing it on purpose, or if it's because Serena has some strange 
influence on her.  It certainly would explain much."

Frito: <Looking cross-eyed at Lyra, waving his arms, and intoning in a 
deep falsetto> Mina, I am your mistress... You will o-bey ME... Look deep 
into the Odango... you can feel yourself growing sillier...

Lyra: Hush. <Stuffs Frito's mouth full of gummi bears, then wraps his jaw 
shut with three feet of licorice whip>

Frito: Mmmmph!

"Fell? You mean, everyone got captured, right?"

Mina looked away with a strange expression before replying softly, She had 
to do it all alone, without our help.  You know, despite all her faults, 
she truly has a strong heart." Mina said softly. 

Lyra: You missed the open quote there... and you probably should get rid 
of one of those 'softly's. 

"STOP RIGHT THERE, YOUNG LADY!!!"

Mina rolled her eyes and looked down.  "What, Artemis?"

"And where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going to help Akane with the food."

If a cat could pale, Artemis would've done so.  Instead, he did the next 
near-human thing to express his dismay: waving his paws rapidly.  "Oh, no. 
No.  No. I forbid it.  You can't."

Lyra grins and chuckles.

Frito: He don't know Akane very well, do he? <Snicker>

Windir: It should be... interesting, at least.

"Why not?"

Artemis breathed a heavy sigh.  "Mina, must I remind you of that Sunday in 
October?"

Mina stiffened, her face slowly growing red.  "There was nothing wrong 
with the food.  I served a great course."

"Yeah, and nearly shot the kitchen to the moon while you 'cooked'.  They 
still haven't figured how to get that gunk off the ceiling yet."

"It's not gunk, it's teriyaki sauce!  

Lyra: <Innocent look> It's just added decoration! Really!

And it wasn't my fault the pot shot into the air like that.  
I've been telling Mom for months she needs a new stove."

Windir: Hmmm. I forsee a truly devastating sequence...

Lyra: <Smiling evilly> Oooooooh, hoohoohoohohoohoohoo. Oop! Oop!

Frito: <Suspicious look> All right, who's been lettin' ya at da "Batman" 
tape again?

"And a new microwave, and a new electric knife, and a new refrigerator..."

"ALL RIGHT, ALREADY!!!"

"Hey, no shouting in here!"  The gardener from downstairs popped his head 
into the room.  His eyes squinted at Mina.  "You're disturbing the 
tenants.  And who are you talking to anyway?"  He squinted even more at 
the towel-wrapped bundle in her arms.

"Uh, it's my sister's niece.  We, um, shout lullabies to her to make her 
sleep.  Well, gotta go change her diaper!"  Mina shot past the bewildered 
gardener, who shook his head unhappily.  

Frito: Nice try, uhhuh. Riiiight.

"I'll say."  Artemis crept out from beneath the towel and gave his charge 
a stern look.  "Now Mina, I know you mean well, but you'll have to be 
careful!  We don't want Lita to return back to see her kitchen destroyed.  
Why don't you let Akane cook and just help her instead."

Frito: <Hooting> He *really* don't know her! Look out, ya don't know 
what's gonna hit ya...

"Yeah, I guess you're right,"  Mina sighed.  "It's a shame though that 
Akane's gotta go back to her world too. I'm beginning to like her.  At 
least we won't have to worry about food while she's here.  Anyone that 
happy must be a great cook!"

For reasons not yet unknown to Artemis, a strange chill went up his spine.

Lyra: <Deep voice> Thunder rolled in the distance, crackling across the 
hills like the voice of the gods. Flashes of lightning backlit the 
short-haired figure with a large butcher knife, as organ music swelled to 
a damning crescendo...

==========================================================================

"That's funny.  This dough is supposed to rise but all it's doing is just 
sitting there."

"Maybe you should add more yeast."

"Yeah.  Think I'll add some baking soda too."

"Akane, that's talcum powder."

"Hey, how did that end up here?"

"I haven't the faintest clue.  I'll put it up for you, though."

"Thanks.  Can you check on the cookies while you're at it?"

"Hmm.  They're not brown yet."

"Darn.  They've been in there at least an hour.  Maybe there's not enough 
heat."

"You're probably right.  I'll set it to broil.  If that doesn't brown it, 
nothing will."

"Cool.  Are you sure you don't want to make something, Mina?"

"Oh, no, you look like you know what you're doing.  I'll only get in the 
way."

"No, you're not.  You're such a help!  I'm glad you're here.  Back at 
home, Ranma makes fun of the way I cook."

"What a meanie! I can't believe you're engaged to such a dork.  Ugh, this 
spoon is stuck in the rice."

"I think it's quick-setting rice, though I never seen rice that color 
before.  It wasn't that way when I started frying it."

"Maybe it's the special sort that changes colors as you cook it.  Wow, 
this spoon is really stuck."

"Hmm...maybe it had something to do with the cornstarch.  I know!  Pour 
some water in it and stick in the microwave on high.  That will unstick it 
for sure."

"Akane, you are a genius!  I would've never thought of that."

"Doggone it, those cookies still aren't brown.  Maybe we should stick them 
in the microwave too."

"Uh, your dough is rising.  I mean, it's really rising.  I never knew 
dough could stretch itself like that.  Uhh, it's heading towards you, Akane."

"Not again.  Hand me that knife, Mina.  No, the butcher knife.  Hurry.  
It's wrapping around my waist..."

"Here you go.  What's that beeping sound?"

"I think it's the microwave.  The rice is done, I think."

"How can you tell?  I can't see a thing in there.  It's all one huge blob 
spilling over the pot.  Well, that and all that weird electricity bouncing 
off the walls.  I wonder if that's a metal pot? I can't remember if you're 
not supposed to put metal pots in a microwave or wooden pots."

"Uh, oh.  That's not good.  At least I got the dough under control again.  
Open the microwave and I'll stick it in with the rice."

"Okay.  I still don't like the way it's beeping though...wait a minute. 
The door's stuck."

"Here.  Use the butcher knife to pry it open."

"Okay.  Now, if I just stick this here..."

==========================================================================

Silence falls across the theatre, including three suddenly empty seats. 
After a moment, the laughter descends back into the audible range after 
the trio finds their breath again. Another moment later, the slightly 
red-faced commentators manage to climb back into their seats, still 
shaking with laughter.

Lyra: D-dear Ghu.

Windir: Bwa-ha... ahem. Yes. Well, there is considerable question as to 
the canonicity of 'Akane cooks' disaster s-scenes... <Loses control for a 
moment> ...but one must admit, such concerns can be overlooked at times.

Amy stretched out beneath a cherry tree--her favorite lunching spot--and 
took out a book on quantum physics to do some light reading.   It would be 
a while before Serena could join her, so she took advantage of the peace 
and quiet to lean against the tree, reveling in the warm sunshine and soft 
breeze tugging her light-blue hair across her face.  A breeze tinged with 
the scent of cherry blossoms and...and something strangely foul.

Her eyes flew open just as Akane and Mina walked up.  "Hi, Amy.  Can we 
have lunch with you?"  Akane asked.  She held up a large paper bag.

"Of course."  Amy closed her book and wrinkled her nose slightly.  Where 
was that smell coming from?  

Frito: Hehehe... ya sure ya really wanna know? 

As the two girls sat down, her frown 
deepened. "Mina, what did you do to your hair?"

Mina grinned a tad too widely.  "Oh, I'm fine!  You like it?!"  She 
fluffed her hair, which had frizzed into a golden halo about her head.  
"It's a new look, all right!"  She gave a strange, high-pitched giggle.

Lyra: Oh dear.

Windir: Uhm, Mina, do sit down. <Gently, carefully> Yes, yes, sit down 
here and relax, don't worry about those little things, just settle down 
and everything will be all right...

Akane leaned over to say softly.  "We had a slight accident while making 
lunch earlier. 

Frito: No kiddin'!

She keeps saying she's fine, though."  She began digging 
into the paper bag.  "Would you like some cookies?  We made plenty!"

"Yes, have some!  We made them just for yooooou!"  Mina chirped happily.

Lyra: Dear, dear, dear. <Bows head>

Windir: <Dialing> Hello, hospital? Yes, I fear there is someone in 
definite need of your assistance...

"Uh," Amy hesitated as Akane pulled out a blackened lump with bits of 
glossy things poking out of it.  "May I ask what kind is it?"

"White chocolate macadamia nut cookies.  It's my own recipe!"

Amy grunted as Akane handed it over. It was too heavy to hold with one 
hand, so she placed it in her lap, where it sat--an odd, misshapen lump 
of....something.  "Um, thank you, but um, I'm allergic to nuts."

Lyra: Smart lady.

Mina blinked rapidly and said, "Really?  I thought you were allergic to 
fish."

"That too."  Amy threw her a frantic look as Akane continued to rummage in 
the bag, setting out objects that bore little resemblance to anything 
edible.  The lump on her lap grew heavier.  

Frito: Ya mean it ain't eatin' through her skirt yet? <Leers> I'd *love* 
ta see that...

Windir reaches over and folds up Frito's seat. With Frito in it.

"Mina, where's Artemis?"

"Artemis?  I don't know.  Last time I saw him, he was underneath Lita's 
bed.  Something must've spooked him; his tail was three times the size of 
his body!"

Lyra: <Shaking head slowly> Oh, no.

Out of the corner of Amy's eye, she saw the paper bag leap out of Akane's 
hand and begin scooting away.  Nonchalantly, Akane whammed a fist on it, 
snatched it back, and shook it vehemently.  When it didn't move again, she 
resumed unpacking it.

Windir: Yes, I suppose she would be used to that by now. Canon or not.

Amy realized she wasn't very hungry after all.

Windir: <Dryly> Indeed, a most intelligent girl.

Amy glanced at Mina, who was stirring the mixture with an odd expression 
and muttering  to herself, "I told him to let me do all the cooking, but 
did he let me? NooOOOooo..."  

Lyra: <Wiping brow> Whew. I think she's gonna be OK.

Frito: No respect. No respect, I tells ya! Heheheheheh....

"Ah! Serena!  Hey, slow down.  I made plenty for everyone!"  Akane beamed 
as Serena's hands became a blur.  "You must be really hungry...no one at 
home eats my food like that.  How is it?"

Serena merely grunted and started on another bowl.

"Oh, this is so great! Wait 'till I tell Ranma about this! We'll see who 
laughs about my cooking now! I'm so happy!"

Windir: Alas, poor Serina...

Lyra: <Flipping through the notes, pulling out the ones on Serena> Don't 
worry. I think.

"That hit the spot!" She exclaimed, patting her belly.  Amy gave her a 
dubious look.

Windir: "She" should be presented in lower case, even when the quote is 
ended with an exclamathoint rather than a comma.

Frito: Say what? Exclamathoint?

Windir: Indeed, the true typesetting term for the punctuation mark in 
question.

Frito: Okaaayy...

"Err...how was it, Serena?" Mina asked.

"It was okay, I guess.  To tell the truth, I was so hungry, I ate too fast 
to taste it."  Serena smiled at her, then suddenly blinked and pointed at 
her.  "Hey, what happened to your hair?"

Mina smiled bleakly as she ran a hand through the frizzy mess.  "I had a 
little accident. You like it?"

Lyra: Yes, I think she's going to be OK. Maybe.

"Erk!" Serena said.

Amy sighed, hefting the cookie from her lap.  "Really, Serena, I know you 
mean well in making Akane feel more at home while she's here, but do you 
have to act like an uncivilized pig around her?  It's a miracle you didn't 
choke the way you were eating so fast!"

"Erk!" Serena said again.

Mina frowned.  "Uh, are you okay, Serena?"  Her eyes widened as she 
realized Serena was still pointing at her.  "My hair's not that bad, is it?!"

"Grckkk...!"

Windir: ...I knew her... hmmm, perhaps not well.

Amy edged forward and tugged Mina to her side.  Serena remained rooted 
where she was, her finger held motionless in the air.  A strange green 
color began to flood her face, and her left eye occasionally twitched.

Amy sighed. "Oh dear. It looks like Akane's cooking finally caught up with 
her."

Frito: Aaaah, she'll make it. She's da heroine!

"Cousin!  I thought the girl had no nearby relatives.  It's good to know 
her family is finally taking an interest in her education.  Lita's not 
exactly a model student.  The only classes she seems truly interested in 
is gym and home economics, though the two definitely do not belong 
together.  The rest of her time is spent daydreaming about guys.  And I 
never seen a girl get into so many fights!  With guys, of all people!  I 
certainly hope spending some time with her family will tame her a bit.  
How long will she be gone?"

**Fights?  I didn't know she was that tomboyish... almost like...**  Akane 

Windir: Hmmmmm. Interesting.

"Roger!"  squealed Ms. Haruna gaily, looking almost like a schoolgirl.  
"I'll be right there!"  She turned back to Akane.  "Tell you what.  The 
homeroom is just two doors down.  Why don't you go there and wait until I 
come back?  This phone will just take a few moments, and I'll give you 
Lita's assignments when I get back."  Without waiting for Akane to answer, 
she skipped into the teacher's lounge, hearts seeming to float about her.

Windir: <Sigh> There are, I must admit... <wincing> times when it would 
actually be helpful to have seen more of the original source material.

Lyra: So? <Shrugs> Even if it's not canon, it's... well, all right, it is 
a little much, but still... <Looks up at the screen for a moment, then 
looks away and shakes her head> Look, she can't be *that* bad, can she?

Frito: Awww, she's so *cuuute*!

Lyra: Bleh.

The girl whirled at the sound of her voice.  Her features were delicate, 
to the almost-pointed ears to the almond-shaped eyes.  She frowned hard at 
Akane before saying in a brash, nasal voice.  "I didn't introduce myself 
when you came in.  Don't assume you have to on my account.  In fact, don't 
assume, period."  She went back to staring out the window.

Most normal people would exclaim, "How rude!" and walk away in a huff.  
Less-normal people would allow the comment to go right over their heads 
and continue chatting until the rude person says something even ruder and 
walks away in a huff.  Martial artists--particularly confident, arrogant 
ones--would say nothing and simply crack their knuckles, causing the rude 
person to apologize and walk away quickly.  However, if the martial artist 
so happens to have a short temper...

Windir: Most perceptive.

The girl was getting very angry now.  "Look, I don't have the time or 
energy to..."  Abruptly, she paused, then a slow smile spread across her 
face.  Akane vaguely noticed that she had small pointed canines, like 
P-chan.  However, on him they made him look adorably cute.  On her, she 
looked predatory.  "So, you think you can take me on?" 

Frito: He he he...

Lyra: <Raised eyebrows> Hmmmmmm.

Akane shifted into a fighter's stance and grinned.  "Feh.  I break bricks 
softer than your head."  Mentally, she congratulated herself for coming up 
with such a cool line.  Being around Ranma and his big mouth certainly had 
its benefits every once in a while.

Lyra: Oh, great. What a thing to be proud of.

She never had a chance to find out, because at that moment the building 
was rocked by a piercing scream.  "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE CANCELING OUR 
DAAAAATE!!!!"

Frito: Hoo, boy.

The door suddenly opened and students rushed in, their faces pale.

"Did you hear..."

"Yep. I know..."

"Oh, man, this is so bad..."

"I wonder what we'll get now..."

Windir: The facts would appear to bear this out, yes.

Akane snorted.  "In another few minutes, she would've have to. That will 
teach her to be rude to me."

The girl blinked.  "Who, Ann?  Oh, don't mind her. She's always like that. 
I think she and her brother came over from France."  

Frito: <Dan Ackroyd imitation> We are from --

Windir: Boot to the head! <THUD>

Frito: Owwww.

Actually, the last sentence was more like "Ah think she ahnd her bruddah 
came ovah fram Frahnss"  Akane considered asking her if she was from New 
Jersey, but instead said, "France? Well, I guess that explains it."

Lyra groans softly.

"Serena?"  Melvin stopped hopping on one foot.  "I saw her heading towards 
the nurse's office a few minutes ago.  She was holding her stomach and 
groaning and turning all sorts of weird colors.  I think she ate something 
toxic."  He pushed up his glasses again and started speaking in a 
lecturing voice.  "It could be a conspiracy! I read on the Internet that 
there's a cult going around drugging young women's food..."

"Get real, Melvin!  Who would want to poison Serena?" She turned her back 
on him.  "I'm sorry, Akane. He can be so nerdy sometimes...hey, are you 
alright? Your face is turning so red!  Maybe you should go see the nurse 
too."

Frito: <Softly> Ya never catch a break... do ya, kid?

Before Akane could explain, the classroom door banged open and in stormed 
an enraged Ms. Haruna, her face contorted and her hair nearly crackling in 
fury.  Students, including Melvin and Molly, scattered swiftly to their 
seats, leaving Akane to stand awkwardly in front of the room.  Ms. Haruna 
stomped to her desk, slammed her papers and books on it, and barked out, 
"Take out your English books and turn to page 257! We will be working on 
exercises seven through fourteen instead of just exercise seven today.  
And I'm moving the algebra test up to two hours from now instead of next 
week! WITH NO CALCULATORS!!"

As the class groaned, Akane timidly approached the desk.  "Ano...Ms. 
Haruna? It's me, Akane Tendo, remember?"  She cringed back as the teacher 
whipped her head around.

Frito: She oughta be used ta it by now, what with her dad and everythin'.

"What do you WANT?!?!"

"Um, you were going to give me Lita's assignments?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, I was, was I?" Akane almost expected her to start 
cackling evilly.  "Fine.  You'll get her assignments all right.  Go take 
her seat and turn to page 257..."

Akane blinked.  "Nani yo?!  But I'm just..."

"I SAID, SIT DOWN!!!" roared the teacher, doing a most impressive 
large-head effect.  Akane gasped and scrambled towards the nearest open 

Frito: See? What'd I tell ya?

It could have been a simple misstep.  Anyone could have mistaken it for 
that and laughed it off...except for someone with a very short temper...

"WHAT'S WITH YOU ALREADY, YOU STUPID BAKA?!"  Akane surged to her feet.  
Then, she winced.

"Akane Tendo!  Hallway!  NOW!!!"

Miserably, Akane trudged to the door.  If he could see her, Ranma would be 
on the floor howling with laughter.  To think she was being punished at a 
school she didn't attend, in a world she didn't even belong to!  It just 
made no sense!  Oh well, at least some things never change wherever you 
are.  **No, things don't change.  They just get worse and worse.**

Lyra: So... that's the end?

Windir: Something of a letdown, one must admit.

Lyra: Oh, it wasn't *that* bad, just... well, after some of the high 
points of this part, I was expecting either something explosively silly, 
or a mellow irony. This tried for the second one, but it didn't quite 
make it. Oh well, the rest of the chapter makes up for that. Particularly 
the cooking scene and aftermath. <Grins>

Frito: Ya better believe it!

Lyra: Ready for the next part?

Windir: <Smiles slightly> Indeed.


Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.