XTSEBASTIAN1@ccvax.fullerton.edu wrote:

Here I am again, being a cantankerous old fox, but I'm surprised
that in the midst of all the Lackey fans out there, no one notices
the errors in this story.  So here we go:

Which is why oh elder why it was labeled 'Draft'.  Please give me your
wisdom.
 

1) "Bordered by two buildings who's bricks had been..."

First of all, this is a fragment that goes no where.  You can either
link it back to the previous sentence or introduce a subject.  Second,
'who's' should be 'whose.

Ah, thanks I'll change the spelling error now.  I'll see what I can do 
about the offending sentence.

2) "The only thing that would give someone suffering from selective amnesia...
of where in the world tyey were....

Ignore my typos, but the problem in this sentence is subject/verb
agreement.  'Someone' is singular and 'they' is plural.  Change
either one and you've eliminated the problem.

I'll have a look at this.
 

3) "English seemed to be the dominant... although spanish appeared...."

Languages and references to nationality are *always* capitalized
when using US grammar.

Ah, pardon this poor ignorant Canadian.
  

4) "Any normal person who, either being... never know how lucky they
had just been."

Good sentence, but it just goes on and on and on and on...  You get
my point.  You can break up this sentence into at least two other ones.

I'll give it a try.
 

5) "If not from the Moon...."

Unless you're in Germany, nouns aren't usually capitalized.  You capitalize
'darkness' also, but I assumed that it was a thing you were referring to, so I
didn't note that one.

"Moon to moon"... check!
 

Everything else seems fine, once you get the intro over with.  The slow
beginning belies the quick action in the middle and at the end.  I'm not
sure if the two of them mix well.

Well, we'll see what we see.
 

Anyway, that's just my opinion.  I could be wrong.

And it's quite welcome.  I was actually starting to worry about all the
nice things being posted.
 
Thanks,


-- 
The Apprentice:

        Student of the Dark Side.  Keeper of the Vlad `Assassins are People
Too!' Taltos shrine.  Wage slave at the J-C Corporation.

Darkness is the true state of the Universe.  It existed before the Light
came.  It will exist after the Light is gone.