Good story - there's no doubt who Ranma's gonna end up with in
the end (especially with a title like that), but, considering how you're
slowly building it up, it actually seems somewhat plausible. Shampoo's a
little more reasonable than usual, but you pretty much established that
at the beginning of part One.
A few comments, though:
-Nodoka seems a little more wacky and intense than usual. On the
other hand, I like this take of her - I don't think I've seen it before -
a Nodoka who's actually dissapointed with her son (after all, how can the
reality possibly live up to the expectations of a ten-year old dream?)
-Genma seems to drop out of the story a bit quick. They leave
him behind, sure, but I can't see him staying there. Even as a coward,
he'd realize that the best place to be would be at his son's side. When
he _does_ eventually wander home, he's as good as dead, now.
-The meeting at the Tendos ended awefully abruptly. Not a big
thing, and it works the way you have it - but everyone seems to take
Ryoga's flustered and obviously made-on-the-spot comment at face value
very quickly. And as someone else mentioned, wouldn't it make more sense
for Nodoka to blame Akane, not her son, for the pregnancy?
-Ukyou got off the hook too easy, it seems. The fcat remains
that most of the current problems are her fault, initiated by her little
scheme (whatever her motivations were). The fact that she gets to stay
with the group would indicate that her perceverance (and her plot)
actually worked in the end. As the story stands right now, it still
seems that she could end up with Ranma.
-One question - why are they leaving Nerima? Ranma already
stated that he wanted to finish school, and Ukyou's got a successful
restaurant she's leaving behind. Between the three of 'em, they could
make the Ucchan's boom, and live above it like Ukyou already does. And
it seems that Ranma would probably still like to try and patch things up
with Akane. Judging by the snippets at the end, the rest of the Tendos
are coming around to believing him. Of course, if the plot demands that
they leave Nerima, then no biggy - although I can't see where'd they go...
-Like the collection of snippets at the end. If they are
leaving, it's a great way to end the chapter (although if Kodachi's ninja
saw all that went down, wouldn't she now about the curse, too?) A
snippet of Cologne or Genma would've been nice, though...
Well... dunno if these comments help or not. I'd offer grammatic
C&C and stuff like that, but I'm not really all that good at it myself.
Like the story - reads easy, and actually takes the time to develop the
characters. Looking forward to the next chapter!
-Mike Noakes