The author of "black dog" requested C&C on the latest installment, about
Ranma being cursed with the "Dead Man Coin." Here they are.
Since I just joined the mailing list, I only have this most recent part
of the story. I'd like to read the first section, if the author would
either repost it, or email it to me.

Here are the C&C. The criticism first; then the praise.

Problems and suggestions:

General:  I hope I won't seem too pompous. I'm a writing teacher by
profession, so I'm used to explaining things very carefully and at great
length; but I certainly respect this writer, whose story entertained me.

Word choice problems in this section:   1) Write "a lot" ; "alot" is not
a word.  2) Cologne "conceded" not "acceded" the fight. "concede" is
give up; "accede" is agree.  3) Akane used to fight a male "horde," not
"hoard." Horde is a gang of people; hoard is a pile of treasure. 4)
someone can be "loosed" from imprisonment, as in set free. You can't be
"lose" from imprisonment.  Ranma's mind had been a "whirl" not a "whorl"
(a "whorl" is a shape). You might say "awhirl," an elegant Old English
sounding word.  One wishes to "defuse" a situation more often than
"diffuse" it. "Defuse" means keep from blowing up; "diffuse" is an
adjective meaning "scattered and confused."

Plot issues:
* If the object were an article of clothing or jewelry instead of a
coin, it wouldn't have to be "sticky;" Ranma could wind up wearing it by
accident, and the attachment would seem more natural. Anyway, the
Amazons seem to like jewelry.
* As written, it appears that Akane is to blame for Ranma getting the
coin stuck to him, since she distracts him from giving it to Cologne;
but it doesn't seem like you intended her to be culpable, since you
didn't follow up on this. Maybe think of another reason why he gets
distracted from giving up the coin.
* It's strange for Akane to be so quiet as she is in the opening scenes;
Akane seems to me to put her two cents in most of the time.
* When Ranma is explaining all of his past history to his mother, I feel
like the story is dragging a little. Though the precision he needs to
choose which details are required is of importance, this section should
take up a lot less space.
* How can Nodoka be around, and Genma do so little? He'd be hatching
some kind of plot; he's too shifty just to sit around.

Ways to improve your writing:

*  Use one verb tense consistently--I would recommend past tense for
this story--instead of switching from past to present. Maybe this
happens by accident because you're taking time to think of the right
words and  you forget what verb tense you were using for a moment.
* start a new paragraph for each line of dialogue, if the speaker
changes.
* if you don't mind a slightly slower pace, try to avoid summarizing how
characters feel and showing it with either scenes, or lines of dialogue
or thinking. You should use summaries to show how people behave over a
long period of time (like Akane's training in "Hearts of Ice"), or to
avoid repeating things the readers already know (like Ranma's past
history with women), or to indicate ordinary activity ("During dinner,
Ranma fought with his father for every egg roll"). When characters
interact in any way that advances the plot (like Akane and Ukyo
comparing notes on Ranma's hyperactivity) many readers will prefer
direct information.

Praise:

I like the basic premise of this, "Burn yourself out and be the best, or
live quietly for a long time." If you will permit an allusion to the
classics:  this is the same problem Achilles faces before the Trojan
War. Will he go to fight in the war, win glory, and die young, or live a
long time in obscurity? Achilles chooses to die young. So far, Ranma is
trying the opposite: to live a long time. But we know how macho Ranma
is--might he change his mind? Interesting problem. Something like this
is also played out in the movie Blade Runner.
Having Ranma's mother meet all the fiancees and other female claimants
one at a time is a very interesting idea. I was sorry it didn't happen
in the installment I have.
Overall, I think this held interest very well, and I'd like to read the
conclusion. I hope the conclusion doesn't bring in any ringers
(brand-new invented characters, mysterious techniques) but instead
evolves the solution to Ranma's new curse from the story material
already available.
Good luck.

DRM
(Matt Posner)
mposner@herald.infi.net