On Sun, 04 May 1997 04:24:19 -0400, fcasper <fcasper@yesic.com> wrote:

"DESPERATION"

on her stomach in an attempt to escape even the faintest rays of 
sunlight.  For a brief moment she succeeded by turning away from 
the window only to have the sunlight increases by a wide margin. 

<extreme nitpick mode on> Should be increased

	"See you at Breakfast."

breakfast.

	And indeed, Akane chose that moment to walk down the 
stairs.  She lets out a long yawn at the bottom and then slightly off

let out

	"You had best steer clear of that chinese girl, boy."  Genma

Chinese

	“Open up you old ghoul!  Don’t make me break the door 
down!!”  Ranma threatened as he urgently pounded the door with his 

You may want to change these quotes to standard ascii.

	Ranma paused at the doorway.  “If I married you with love

I think he means without love

	Cologne returned his smile as Ranma left.  Then she calmly
picked up the crumbled letter that had warned Ranma of Shampoo's plot

>from the floor and placed in her robe just in case it was needed.

This was a pretty cool story, but I'm unhappy with the way it ended.
Why?

-- For Ranma to have known for certain that Shampoo was bluffing
invalidates the respect one feels for him for his decision not to be
forced into marrying Shampoo.

-- It seems OOC for Cologne to be unwilling to go along with the scheme.
She's done a lot worse before to try to force Ranma to marry Shampoo.

-- Okay, the initial dialog between Ranma and Cologne could have been an
act because Shampoo was listening, but if so why did Ranma want to
"throttle the old ghoul"? Why was he "seething with fury"? Trying to
mislead the readers is well and good, but this is cheating!

It's your story, but I think it would have been better to have ended
with Ranma leaving after talking to Shampoo, then Cologne and Shampoo
turning to each other and saying something like "Well, that didn't
work!"

Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics