[Ranma] "No Need for Ranma!" (5/?)
By Henry J. Cobb
$Id: no_need_for_ranma5.txt,v 1.4 1997/05/01 03:53:23 hcobb Exp $

The Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are the creation of Rumiko
Takahashi.  No infringement of her copyrights is intended.

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I am Ukyou Kuonji, master of the school of Anything Goes Martial Arts.

My beloved Ran-chan jumped from the cart to go back for me when we were
five, so I took his place when he was lost at the age of ten during the
Cat Fist training.

My subterfuge got a lot easier after my recent pilgrimage to the
Nanniichuan.

With Genma's assistance, I am attempting to fulfill Ranma's pledge to be
a man to his mother and Genma's promise to Soun to join their families.
Unfortunately, I'm now engaged to all three of the Tendo sisters and
that loser Ryouga Hibiki is trying to lay his claim on me.

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After school as Akane and I started back to the Tendo house, she asked
me. "Aren't we going to look for Ryouga?"

"Where on Earth would we begin?  And, I mean that literarily.  I once
searched our neighborhood for three days and then he shows up with some
trinkets from India.  He'd walked there and back."

"How does he walk so quickly, over oceans and mountains and stuff?"

"I don't know.  He just manages somehow.  Don't worry, we haven't seen
the last of him.  He always comes back."

Kasumi met us at the Tendo residence, I was almost disappointed that she
didn't give me a peck on the cheek.  I guess, unlike Akane, she had
somebody to be faithful to and so there was limits to her deception.

"Welcome home dear.  What happened to your friend Ryouga?"

"We lost him."

"Oh my."

That evening, as I sat in the tub, I thought about Akane and Ryouga.
Even back as a girl, my feelings didn't change.  Ryouga is a loser and
Akane is cute.  My curse hadn't changed me, I changed myself.

As I sat there, I heard the door opening.

"Wait!  Give me a moment to get decent!"  I shouted and dove for the
cold water faucet in the sink.

Ryouga stood there, transfixed by the sight of my attributes.  "Urk!"
Then his nose exploded in blood and he collapsed.

I went for the cold water and washed off the blood that had splattered
on my ankle.  I wrapped a towel around my now male waist then called
out.  "Akane, I need your help!"

Akane arrived, looked over the situation then asked.  "What happened?
Did Ryouga attack you?"

"Nothing like that.  He wandered in here, saw me in the tub, and was so
shocked to see me naked as a boy that he fainted and hit his nose on the
way down.  Here, give me a hand with him."

We lifted Ryouga and placed him on the couch.

"Don't worry", I said, "He'll remember it differently when he wakes up.
Probably something about his modestly fainting when he saw a naked
girl."

"Ryouga thinks you're a girl?"  Nabiki walked up and began idly tracing
circles with her finger on my bare chest.  "You'd make a very manly girl
Ranma."

"That's right!" Akane seemed to be taking her sister's blatant
provocation well, "Why isn't he worried that you don't have, er
breasts?"

"Oh, he thinks that I do have breasts and just keep them tightly bound.
To keep pop happy."  Once again I got off easy, using the truth as a
lie, after the circumstances had changed.

"Well, you'd best get dressed before he wakes up."

"Good idea."

When I came back downstairs, Akane was holding an ice pack to Ryouga's
forehead.  Nabiki had disappeared again.

Ryouga slowly came to. "Hi Ranma.  Sorry about that.  You're back in
disguise again, I see."

"Yes Ryouga, it's best this way."

"Ryouga, what happened to you in class today?  Everybody was so worried
when you disappeared."

"Sorry about that Akane.  I was thinking about Ranma when I went out
into the hall.  And then, when I finally looked up, I saw Ranma naked in
the tub."

"Ryouga, could you do me a favor?"

"Anything Ranma."

"From now on, every time you come to a door, before you open it, could
you check to see if it has an occupied sign on it?"

"I'm sorry Ranma.  I just wasn't thinking."

"You've got to break that habit."

The rest of the week was just as bad.  Ryouga disappeared Wednesday
after class and didn't show up all day Thursday or Friday.

Friday evening, Akane and I sat on the porch of the Dojo, after
our workout.

"You're worried about Ryouga, aren't you?"  she asked me.

"Yeah, but what can I do?  I can't keep him from throwing his life away
like this."

"Myew?"  A white cat with purple trim wearing barrettes jumped into my
lap.

"A cat?"  A housecat.  Just like those that had---

"Do you have a problem with cats?"  Akane asked me.

"It's just that I lost a very good friend to a cat once."

"Come here kitty",  Akane picked up the cat, "don't scare Ranma so."

"Myew?"  The cat asked Akane.

"Oh, you're just lost",  Akane scratched the cat behind the ears, then
gently petted it.  Soon the cat was stretched out purring on Akane's lap
as she stroked its belly.

"You two seem to be getting along well."

"I've always liked cats, I've just never had the time to have one of my
own."

"That cat belongs to somebody you know.  Wild cats don't run around with
barrettes on."

"I know, but I guess I have to keep her until somebody shows up to claim
her.  What'll I call you until then, how about Murasaki?"

"I don't think I've ever seen a purple cat before."

"Then she won't be here long before somebody claims her."

Early Saturday morning Akane walked into the Dojo as I was doing my
morning exercises.  "Ranma, have you seen Murasaki?"

"No, what happened?"

"She just ran off this morning."

"Oh well, easy come, easy go.  You'll find another cat---"  I stared at
the open door behind Akane.

"Ranma, what is it?"

"There's a ghost in your overalls."

Akane turned and her response told me that my guilt hadn't conjured up
an illusion.  Shampoo was standing there clad only in Akane's overalls,
the ones with the the heart around the word China.

"You've come back to haunt me?  I don't blame you."

"Shampoo no ghost.  Shampoo no dead."

"But, I saw you jump back from my kick, over that cliff."

"Shampoo fall into spring."

"W-which spring?"

"Maoniichuan."

"Oh.  I'm very sorry.  Have you come for revenge?"

"No.  Shampoo come, bring Husband back."

"Your husband is in Japan?  I'll certainly help you find him.  Who is
he?"

"Ranma Shampoo's husband."

"What?"

"Ranma!"

"Here", Shampoo held out a book.

I glanced at the section she indicated.  "I'm sorry Shampoo, but I can't
read Chinese."  In my obsession to prove myself the best martial artist,
I had let my studies slip a bit.

Shampoo took back the book then presented it again. "Here, this part."

I read off the other column, in Japanese.  "...but if she is defeated by
a male outsider the amazon warrior must marry him."

"Ranma Shampoo's husband, yes?"

"I'm sorry Shampoo, but you're the sixth person to propose to me so far.
Please wait in line."

"Sixth Ranma?"

Oops! "Sorry, I miscounted Akane.  You, your sisters and Ryouga make
four, so Shampoo is the fifth."

"And you're usually so good with numbers Ranma."

"Akane Ranma's wife?"

"Fiancee.  Yes, I'm sorry, it was arraigned before we were born."

"Shampoo see."  She turned and walked outside a while later we heard a
splash.

Akane and I rushed outside and saw the overalls placed by the edge of
the Koi pond and Murasaki shaking water off of herself nearby.

"Murasaki, you've come back to me?"  Akane picked up the cat.

The cat poised itself to leap away, but Akane stroked it until it calmed
down.  "Here, you're all soaked.  How did you fall into our pond?  Let
me get a towel to dry you off."  Akane picked up the overalls and went
back into the house.

How can she be so dense?  Wait, she doesn't know about the curses.  Best
to keep it that way.

That afternoon we were watching a martial arts championship on TV.
Akane gently fondled the cat in her lap.  I really didn't know what to
make of that relationship.

We heard a knock at the door and Kasumi went to answer it.  "Why hello,
you're Ranma's friend Ryouga aren't you.  Who are the flowers for?"

Akane looked as stunned as I felt.

"They're for Akane, aren't they?"  I suggested.  "You've come to ask my
fiancee for a date, haven't you Ryouga?"

"Uh, Yes, that's right",  Ryouga handed the flowers to Akane.

"How nice of you Ryouga", Akane placed the flowers in a vase.

"Well, I'll have to come along as a chaperon.  Where are you taking her,
to the mall?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"OK, give us a few minutes to get ready", I turned to whisper to Akane,
"Sorry about this, please take along something to keep yourself amused
for an hour or two."

Akane returned in her skating outfit and carried her ice skates and cat.

As the three of us turned the corner from the Tendo residence, I turned
to Ryouga.  "That was stupid.  Do you want people thinking that we're
perverts?"

"I'm sorry Ranma, I just had to show you how I felt.  I'm going crazy
with all these lies."

"Well, that's just how my life is at the moment.  If it's too tough for
you, then just stay away."

"No Ranma, I couldn't.  Please let me stay.  I promise to behave
myself", Ryouga reached out his hand to me.

I took it.  He looked so lost in that moment.

As we approached the mall, I released Ryouga's hand,  "Akane,
you're going skating right?  Ryouga and I need to talk.  We'll be in the
ramen shop."

Thirty minutes later, Akane stormed into the shop.  "Ranma, find Murasaki!"

"What?"

"I left her on the bench for a few minutes and she vanished."

Damn, stuck in an animal form in a strange country, who knows what'd happen to her.  "Excuse me Ryouga, I need to help find that cat."

"Sure, I'll help."

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Handy Critic and Chastise form.

Instead of feeling forced to think about C&C, simply circle the comments
you agree with below:

What happened to Soun, Genma, Nodoka and Tatewaki this episode?

Couldn't you do a bit more with Kasumi and Nabiki?

What's the impact of "Ranma's": "My father makes me act like a boy"
comment on Nabiki?

Was the original title: "Ukyou does Nerima"?

Ukyou is showing her eternal faithfulness to Ranma by getting engaged to
everything on two legs?

Just how lost is Ranma anyway?

Can't Shamp just summon clothing and weapons out of hammerspace?

Why did you change the name of the cat?

Shouldn't there be a much longer and deeper process of bonding between
girl and cat before Akane will fly off the handle when she loses her?

Obstacles are for killing, right?

What did Ranma and Ryouga talk about in the coffee, er ramen shop?

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb