As the Reunion project has, according to Head Guy Erin Mills, fallen
through.... I'm posting this anyway. Heck, better than simply deleting it,
though it's just a rough draft.
For those interested, episodes 7 and 8 of the Nameless Sequel are under
production, and the entire series (Not including VC) will be released as
soon as possible.
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An Episode of the Dead-as-a-Doornail Reunion Series
by Mike Loader
Characters, backstory, etc taken without permission from works by
Takahashi Rumiko
Please ask before posting, storing archiving, remailing, or printing this
story in any form.
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It really had been a nice wedding.
Most couples pick spring or summer to get married in. You
know, bright sun, renewal, all that. But Kasumi and Tofu
decided to hold their wedding in the heart of December, when
snow covered the city like a white linen sheet.
There had been a bit of trouble, initially, with the ceremony
rehearsal. Namely, getting the groom to stop gibbering with
pleasure at the sight of the bride.
Sedating him was out, everyone agreed. Blindfolding him
would ruin the wedding, and probably wouldn't be very
effective anyway. Ranma's offer to beat some sense into the
good doctor was briefly considered, and then rejected.
In the end, Kasumi had taken matters into her own hands.
"Tofu, can I speak with you?"
"C-certainly...K-k-kasumi..."
*rip*
"Kasumi, that was a new suit..."
*rip*
"That was your...new...dress..."
*GLOMP*
"Oh boy...."
After that, the doctor was a lot more stable around her. Even
if he did have a tendency to blush madly.
The actual ceremony was held in the dojo proper. The crests
of both families were placed above the doors, streamers were
festooned around the rafters, and the floor was covered with
petals and confetti.
Nabiki had planned the decorations, and had shown a
surprising gift at it. The hall had appeared cheerfully tacky and
formal at the same time.
Yes, it had been a nice wedding.
The next few months had been even better.
Tofu was in heaven. Kasumi was his wife, his practice was
thriving, and every night they...um...nevermind...
Kasumi was in heaven. She was married to a devoted husband,
she got to baby him _and_ her pregnant little sister, and every
night they...um...nevermind...
That June, Akane gave birth to a son, Kaneda. Now Kasumi had
a nephew to dote on. She enjoyed this. So did her nephew.
Then, one fine day in January, Kasumi went to visit Ranma
and Akane.
* * *
"I made you lunch."
Ranma turned pale.
Marriage to Akane was...well...wonderful. He loved her, she
loved him, the sex was...um...nevermind...
But every once in a while, Akane would make a Grave Mistake
and attempt to cook.
There were usually warning signs. Cookbooks would appear.
Julia Child would be taped. Akane would return home with a
new crock pot. A stream of mice would be seen running out of
the basement as fast as their feet could carry them. Not this
time, though. Not only was it completely unexpected, but it
was only minutes before Kasumi was supposed to arrive.
Ranma loved Kasumi like a sister, and really didn't want to
spend her visit in the bathroom retching.
So he did what he imagined was the smart thing, and ran,
muttering a excuse about "wasn't that Ryoga, gosh, I think it
is, I'm gonna go talk to him.."
Akane, not being stupid, ran after him. Much to Ranma's
relief, she brought her mallet and Kaneda, but not the lunch.
While they were out, Kasumi arrived.
* * *
"Hello? Is anybody there?"
Kasumi pushed the door slowly open, looking around the
living room. Neither Ranma, Akane, nor Kaneda was in sight.
"Hello?"
No answer.
Strange.
Maybe, she speculated, they were in some other part of the
house. There was a metal panel set into the wall, with a voice
grill, button, and twinkly lights. An intercom!
She thumbed the button. "Hello? Ranma? Akane?"
* * *
Akane, after her pregnancy, had been concerned about home
security.
"We want Kaneda safe, right?"
"Well, yeah, but we have a home security system. It's called
us."
"But what if we're out? What if we're asleep? What if you're
sick? What if.."
"You're overreacting, dear."
The sound of carnage was heard.
"...uhhhhh..."
"I think we should buy a security system. One of those fancy
new "Instant Fortress" machines."
"Fine...fine...argh....just call Doctor Tofu, will ya?"
The machine was installed, placed next to the door, and
forgotten.
* * *
"Hello? Ranma? Akane?"
">please stare your identity<"
Kasumi peered at the voice grill. "Ranma? Is that you? What
room are you in?"
">please state your identity now<"
"It's me, Kasumi. Who is this?"
">subject 'Kasumi' not in user file. you will state your
purpose<"
Kasumi frowned. "I'm here to visit." That certainly didn't
sound like Ranma or Akane. "Is this a recording?"
">define parameters of 'visit'<"
"I'm going to take Kaneda-chan for a walk. Are you the
answering service?"
">you intend to remove subject Kaneda from this building?<"
"Yes. I was thinking maybe the park..."
">SECURITY ALERT!<"
"Oh my!"
">kidnapping in progress! authorities has been notified!
locking down house!<"
"What? What?"
">this terminal is shutting down to prevent tampering<"
The panel lights flickered and died.
"Oh dear..."
Kasumi turned to leave, and found the door closed. And
locked. From the outside.
A swift check of the windows found that they had been
locked as well.
Kasumi sighed, and headed into the kitchen. At least she
could make lunch for when they got back.
* * *
In the dark recesses of Ranma's lunchbox, something stirred.
Two glowing red eyes...if you could call them that...opened. A
crude sensory organ akin to a nose sniffed the air.
It had started out as a chicken salad. Then it had been mashed
in with a beefbowl. But it wasn't until the addition of the
Uncle Yogger's Extra Zesty Original Old-Fashioned Mexi-Pep
Cajun Red Hot Sauce that the bits of DNA decided to recombine
into a new life form, a life form far nastier and terrible that
the average chicken salad.
It was hungry.
It smelled another living thing. Close by. Larger than it, but
chicken salad/beefbowl things laugh at size. It was hungry.
The other living thing would do quite nicely as a snack.
* * *
Kasumi hummed her usual mindlessly happy tune as she made
sandwiches. Her heart wasn't really in it though, which was
alarming in and of itself. She was nervous.
Kasumi never got nervous. It wasn't normal. It was, in fact,
at least as abnormal as water suddenly ceasing to be wet.
The security system had rattled her a bit, and now...
Now, she felt someone was watching her. And not in a nice
way.
On a sudden impulse, she grabbed the nearby toaster and
swept it around in a wide, sweeping arc, attempting to brain
whoever it was she felt leaping out at her. It missed
completely, which, considering nothing was attacking her,
wasn't very surprising.
Kasumi brought the toaster down, feeling rather foolish. And
that's when the Thing jumped out of Ranma's lunchbox at her,
all three sets jaws snapping.
Luckily for her, the Thing's leg muscles hadn't quite finished
attaching themselves to its brain, and the nerve impulses sent
to them came in a bit too strong. Soaring over Kasumi's head, it
became one with the spice rack.
"Oh dear," said Kasumi, and ran like hell.
The Thing peeled itself off the rack and, after pausing to sort
out its appendages, stalked after her.
Kasumi was, while trying to keep out to the reach of the
culinary horror behind her, trying to find an appropriate
expression to wear. "Mild Annoyance" didn't seem right,
"Shock" was really no good for a continued encounter, and
"How nice!" was right out. She really wished she knew how to
do "Blind Panic," which fitted her current mood perfectly.
The Thing didn't bother with expressions. It had only one
mood, which was "Ravenous, Bloodthirsty Hunger," and that
mood was permanently stamped on what might count as a face
if you're using the term loosely.
When faced with a pursuer, humans instinctively flee
upwards. This, they say, is due to racial memory of being a
furry snack who's best chance to avoid becoming brunch for
some carnivore was to make a jump for the trees at the
slightest provocation. It is thus interesting to note that
Kasumi, upon reaching the stairs, headed down to the laundry
room. Where she found a dead end.
Listening to the noise of the Thing scrabbling down the
staircase, Kasumi concocted a hasty plan. If it worked, she
might be safe. If it didn't...well, maybe the funeral would be a
nice one.
A snarl, and it was in the doorway, leaping, claws dripping a
caustic soy sauce...
At the last moment, Kasumi ducked. The Thing sailed over her
and into the open washing machine. As it turned, she slammed
shut the door.
Now let's see....
She set the knit to Really Thick Wool Or Delicate Chainmail
and the heat to Very Hot, filled the cup with bleach, and put it
into the spin cycle. Then, noting the dents beginning to appear
in the washing machine door, she fled upstairs.
That should hold it for a few minutes, she thought, but not for
much longer. She need to do something, and quickly...
Her gaze flickered frantically about the living room, trying
to find something useful. A bookshelf...Akane's weights...coffee
table...Home Network Terminal....
Hmm.
By the year 2000, the TV, computer, and several other
appliances had been merged into one unit. The Terminals could
be used for email, web browsing, home shopping...
Kasumi knew all this. She had, however, never used one
before in her life.
"Terminal on."
<working...>
"I need something to defend myself, please."
<please refine statement>
"Some horrible beefbowl thing's trying to hunt me down, and I
need a weapon..."
<working...keywords "hunt" "weapon" "beefbowl" ...flag found
on site #8654478dg5. Password for site access?>
"Oh, goodness me..."
<password "goodness" correct. welcome to holy fire
distributors>
Images of several large, high-powered devices appeared on
the screen. Kasumi stared in blank incomprehension.
<purchase found?>
"Oh dear..."
A roar of rage and pain came from below.
"I'll take the biggest one you have, please."
<working....#23465, the "Armageddon 23000 Assault Cannon",
sale price 3000 credits. purchase?>
"Yes...account number 555-555-2323...deliver to this
terminal."
<sent. thank you for shopping multinet>
Kasumi waited for the *slidehiss* noise of the mail shunt
receiving a package, and opened it. Cutting away the shipping
foam, she took out...well...it was obviously a gun of some sort.
With a roll of ammunition, and instructions on how to load it.
How clever, she marveled, and how convenient that you could
get this sort of thing through the mail!
* * *
"Freeze!"
Police poured into the warehouse, catching the startled arms
dealers by surprise. A quick search of the billing records
revealed that the latest one to trigger the secret access flag
was one Kasumi Tendo, only seconds before.
The address was recorded, and given to the Tokyo Main Police
Computer, who reported that units were already converging on
the house...apparently the security system had reported a
kidnapping, and while the system was prone to make mistakes,
a routine check was required. The Computer quickly advised the
responding units that a unlikely kidnapping had just turned into
a likely hostage situation, and to get moving.
* * *
The Thing raced up the stairs, bright, lemon-scented, and
angry. Dryer sheets did _not_ taste good, and the other living
thing was going to _suffer_ before being devoured...
"Maa, eat lead."
The Armageddon 23000 cradled in both hands, Kasumi opened
fire.
*whoosh*BLAM*
The grenade took out most of the doorframe, and the stream
of high-explosive rounds shredded the wall. The Thing took a
second to make sure it was still alive, and ran.
Kasumi grimly stalked after it.
* * *
"Think it's anything?"
"Naw, it's nothin'. These security systems give false alarms
all the time, especially the older AIs. And no terrorist would
be dumb enought to order a weapon banned in almost every
country in the world and not have the address wiped on
delivery..."
A stream of bullets raked through the house's windows,
neatly blowing the top off the approaching police car.
"SHIT! My hat!"
"Central, this is Car 54, get us backup NOW...."
* * *
Kasumi blew the smoke from the barrel and stared at the
wreckage of the kitchen. It was in here somewhere...
There we go...movement....
* * *
"Okay, boys...here we go...remember, there might be hostages,
and I don't want any civilians killed..."
* * *
Kasumi frowned. The shape through the doorway seemed
somehow bigger...it was growing! No, it was preparing to spilt
into more monsters! She was all that stood between the world
and a invasion of Chicken Salad from Hell! Kill it before it
multiplied!
Setting the Armageddon 23000 to full automatic, she opened
fire, unusual amounts of adrenaline coursing through her.
* * *
"DOWN! DOWN!"
The SWAT team hit the dirt as a fusillade of bullets shredded
the wall behind them. A grenade soared over them a second
later, reducing yet another wall to rubble.
"Damnit, that's it! Open fire!"
* * *
Kasumi ran, a hail of bullets following her. The creature
seemed to have gained a weapon.
Well, she wasn't going to go down without a fight.
She was actually beginning to enjoy herself.
Ducking behind the remains of the dining room table, she
squeezed off another burst.
* * *
Around a table, a group of men in dark clothing stared
intently at a clock.
"He is late! We should have been notified of the target by
now!"
"Perhaps he is stuck in traffic?"
"Perhaps he has overslept?"
"It is possible...."
One of their number, a submachinegun gripped in one hand,
listened anxiously to a police-band radio.
"#...the situation?"
"#Heavy weapon of some sort, dunno about *BOOM* SHIT!
Cover!....dunno about hostages...I thought I *BLAM* damnit! saw
a girl in an apron...."
"Comrades! Come listen!"
They did.
"Could it be him?"
"Who else could it be!"
"Hurry! We shall join him, and with the hostages he has taken
usher in a new era of Marxist-Stalinist Democracy for the
glory of Allah!"
"Tremble, western capitalist infidels, for Scarlet People's
Glorious Revolutionary Jihad rides to the aid of our leader!"
* * *
"Hello, General Demay here."
"#General, we have a Situation. "
"Oh? Chinese invading? Don't you little fellas worry, I'll
have the bombers in the air in six minu..."
"#No, General, it's not the Chinese. There's a terrorist attack
going on in Nerima, and we were wondering if..."
"TERRORISTS? Damn Un-American pinkos, no doubt! Don't you
worry, I'll have the marines there in six minutes!"
"#No, General, we just wanted you to inform your coun.."
*click*
"Sergeant! Get me Major Vedd on the horn. Tell him I'm gonna
need a division of tanks...oh, and how many choppers do we have
on standby?"
* * *
Ranma and Akane arrived home to find the house rather
different than they'd left it.
For one thing, it wasn't there anymore. It had been replaced,
along with the nearby buildings, by a rubble-choked crater.
American Marines stood at the edges of it, while tanks rumbled
by. A decontamination team, radiation suits covering them,
was busily scouring away the traces of the tacnuke that had
gone off in the dining room.
Ranma stared. Akane began to turn red. Kaneda gurgled
happily.
"RANMA........"
"It's not my fault! Honest! It's not my fault!"
An official, noticing the pair, walked over. "Are you the
Saotomes?"
Ranma turned. "Yeah...what happened to our house?"
"The Scarlet People's Glorious Revolutionary Jihad took a
hostage there, and got into a shootout with police. Then the
Americans arrived. Then the Iranian commandos arrived to go
after the Americans. Then the Mossad tried to get the Iranians,
which brought Hamas into the affair. And then some cat-thing
from Mishima got loose and blundered into it."
"Oh. I hope the policy covers this."
"I wouldn't worry. The Americans have volunteered to pay for
rebuilding the place, and will put you up in a five-star hotel
until it's finished."
"That's...very generous of them..."
"Oh, they're in a very good mood. Global terrorism lost a lot
of its most dangerous people today."
"That's good, I suppose...."
"Shame about Kasumi Tendo, though..."
"WHAT?" yelled Akane and Ranma.
"Is Oneechan all right? She's okay, yes?"
"If anything's happened to Kasumi, I'm gonna..."
The official cleared his throat. "She's in custody at the
moment. Apparently there's some confusion over whether she
was a hostage or a terrorist."
"..."
* * *
Kasumi Tendo was found guilty on several counts of
international terrorism, and was sentenced to fifteen years in
a maximum security prison. She was out in six months for good
behavior.
Actually, the warden and guards had threatened to mutiny if
she wasn't released as soon as possible. She got cards from
them and the inmates every Christmas.
Life returned to normal, more or less.
Except for one little thing.
Kasumi was afraid to cook.
The mere sight of ingredients would start her shaking.
And so, it fell upon Tofu to prepare the family's meals. Sadly,
he was only slightly better than Akane at this, and failed to
improve with practice.
Kasumi felt extremely guilty over her inability to take care
of her husband. Tofu was embarrassed at the ineptness of his
cooking, unhappy over the poor diet he and Kasumi were
getting, and worried about his wife's new hobby, which seemed
to be reading gun magazines and manuals.
Both, in fact, were feeling a bit annoyed at it all, and were
looking for something to blame it on.
Then the invitation came.