On 4/25/97 8:14 PM, Joseph Rispoli at takaholic@hotmail.com wrote:

			Clash of the Warrior Maidens: Benten vs. Asuka!!

					  A UY Talespin

					    Written by
				          Otaku No Gaijin

					    Edited by
				        Joseph Rispoli Jr.

			    Created 8-9/91; Revised 12/91, 3/93, 1/94, 4/97

Hmm. Well, some brief C&C (Don't have time to send anything more detailed 
tonight; <Sigh>):

Overall, a fun little side-story. I really like seeing the UY characters 
put in one of their rare fanfic appearances ^_^; overall, I thought it 
was a pretty good impression of them, though some of the scenes went a 
little over-the-top in using their 'typical' traits -- like the writer 
was trying *too* hard to make us realize that it was Megane, or Ataru, 
like in the following bit:

(Pan up from the knees to Megane's glaring frown.) 
Ataru: Oh, Megane, how are you? Would you please step aside for a minute?
Megane: Ataru!! Release my knees, then tell me the perversion you are trying
to commit in this public place!!  
Ataru: A hellacious one, Megane! So could you please stand aside-
Megane: Ataru!! It is bad enough that you cheat on Lum, but must you do it
in such a disgusting manner!?! You are completely dishonorable! You are
unfit to carry Lum's hairpins, let alone be her husband! I hope she comes
back here and sees you in such a blatant, animalistic state of
unfaithfulness! You deserve to be punished for this! You should be- Hey, pay
attention!  

The plot was interesting as well, with a good bit of fun slapstick 
business. There were only two major problems I had with it:

* Writing style. I freely admit this is just my personal preference and 
not an objective criticism; de gustibus non disputum, and all that. To 
me, it just felt breathless, artifically hurried.

* Lum's injury. It made a very useful plot hook, in more than one 
fashion, and provided a way to show Ataru's hidden feelings; however, the 
serious, sober tone of the hospital scenes jarred with the essentially 
slapstick tone of the rest of the story. I dunno, could be me misreading 
comic scenes as serious, but this:

Shinobu: She can stop it! She's the only one who can!
Ataru: Impossible! The last time Lum tried to stop them, that happened!
(Ataru points at the IV for emphasis.)
Ataru: How is she going to stop them this time?!?
Lum: (energized) Darling, I can! Shinobu's right! I know both of them,
they'd listen to me separately. They can listen to me even if they are
fighting! I can get them to stop this silly duel! I know I-oh-h-h-h... 
(She sinks back onto the bed.)
All: Lum!
Ataru: Lum, stop! You'll wear yourself out! (to Shinobu) Now see what you've
done!  
Lum: Darling... Darling, I'm alright. I need to stop them...
Ataru: No you don't!
Lum: Please, Darling. My friends mustn't fight.

comes across as serious to me, not something meant light-heartedly.

Oh, well; please excuse the nitpicking. I still enjoyed it. :)



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it 
means.