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Q U I X O T E                        |
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by Susan Doenime                     |
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Characters and Backstory by          |
Rumiko Takahashi. Used without       |
permission.                          |
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   Ranma slept.

   This was not exactly an unusual occurrence. It happened every 
night, and usually did not stir any interest or comment.

   Breathe in, breathe out. Turn slightly. Mutter.

   The reader may be wondering why such a common event is 
being described. Be patient.

   Like most martial artists, Ranma was a light sleeper. With the 
amount of people after his head, he really had to be. So when the 
object came sailing through the window to land with a clatter on 
the floor, one of his eyes shot open.

   A few seconds later, a flare of brilliant light filled the room, 
and the eye snapped shut. Springing to his feet, trying to blink 
away the spots dancing in front of his vision, Ranma waited for 
the attack. Mousse, perhaps? Sasuke? It wasn't really Kunou or 
Ryouga's style....

   Perhaps some entirely new enemy?

   His senses reached out to take in the entire room, to perceive 
every flow of chi, to prepare for the barrage of thrusts that was 
about to come.

   A minute passed.

   Maybe it was some sort of chi blast that took time to charge?

   Five minutes passed.

   His brow furrowed. A flashbomb used to blind your opponent 
was a sound tactic, but only if you followed up on it immediately. 
His vision had long since returned to normal, and he was now on 
guard. His foe had thrown away the advantage of surprise for no 
good reason.

   After thirty minutes, he gave up and went back to sleep. But 
with one eye open. Just in case.

@.@

   His sleep that night was a exhausting affair, and to compensate 
he rose in the late morning. Some joker, he mused, was trying to 
rattle him.

   Ranma shrugged. He could deal with it. After breakfast.

   After pulling on his clothing, he skipped downstairs and into the 
kitchen. And froze.

   The room was occupied by Akane, Akari, and P-chan. And a 
sinkfull of warm, soapy water.

   "Time for P-chan's bath!" cooed Akane. Akari smiled 
benevolently.

   Ohmygodohmygod....she'll kill Ryouga and then she'll kill me.... 
"Akane! No!"

   His fiancee didn't even turn. "What is it, Ranma? I'm just giving 
P-chan a bath." She began to lower the pig towards the water...

   "No! Uh, warm water's really bad for them!"

   Akari spoke for the first time. "On the contrary. It's necessary 
for their good health to be bathed every so often."

   "See," Akane said, a smug tone in her voice. "And Akari should 
know, her being a pig breeder."

   Horrified, Ranma saw it. Akari wanted to break any possibility 
of a Ryouga/Akane relationship in the most complete way she 
could.

  Akane dunked P-chan into the warm, soapy, warm sink.

  Ranma closed his eyes, and waited for the carnage.

   "Akari, hand me the soap."

   Huh?

   He opened his eyes. P-chan was happily splashing about in the 
sink. In the sink filled with warm water.

   Dashing over to where the two girls stood, he dipped his finger 
in the water. Warm. It was warm. And Ryouga was a pig.

   He stared at his friend's eyes in horror. The eyes stared back. 
Empty. A pig's eyes.

   "Ranma? Is something wrong?"

   "Oh no... Ryouga... oh, man..."

   Akari grabbed his arm. "What about Ryouga?"

   He turned to face her. She didn't look upset in the slightest. "He 
didn't change back! He's stuck in his cursed form!"

   "What cursed form?" the girls asked simultaneously.

   Ranma closed his eyes. This was going to get him in trouble, 
but...

   "P-chan is Ryouga with a Jyusenkyou curse. The warm water 
should have changed him back. But it didn't. Something's trapped 
him like this."

   Akane turned pale. "You mean he... that.. my bed....that... my BED!"

   Akari just looked puzzled. "Ranma, that's not true."

   "What do you mean? You've known about the curse too!"

   "My BED! That... I'm going to....."

   "Ryouga," Akari said calmly, "is not P-chan."

   "Why would I be P-chan?" asked Ryouga, who had just strolled 
in from the dining room.

    Who had just...

   Ranma looked at the sink. P-chan was splashing about happily in 
the water. He turned back to the door. Ryouga was standing in the 
doorframe, looking bemused.

   There was a bucket of water in a corner, and Ranma threw it at 
Ryouga. It hit dead-on.

   Ryouga made an amazing transformation. He went from a dry, 
bemused Ryouga to a wet, annoyed Ryouga.

   "Ranma! Why are you throwing water at me?"

   "Ranma," snarled Akane, "why are you trying to give me a heart 
attack with filthy lies about Ryouga and P-chan?"

   Oh no.

   "Ryouga," he said hesitantly, "can we talk?"

   "I think that would be wise," the Lost Boy evenly replied.

@.@

   They went for a walk.

   There was something odd about Ryouga, thought Ranma. He 
wasn't trying to kill him. He didn't really even seem all that mad. 
And there was something else, something he couldn't quite place...

   "Ryouga, how'd you get cured?"

   "Cured of what?"

   "The curse!"

   Ryouga stared at him. "What curse?"

   "The one you got at Jyusenkyou, stupid!"

   "Ranma," Ryouga slowly said, "I've never been to Jyusenkyou."

   Then it struck him what seemed wrong about Ryouga.

   "Hey, man, when did you paint your umbrella blue?"

   "It's always been blue. Ranma, did you hit your head fighting 
Ukyou or something?"

   Fighting...

   The flash of light, with no attack following...

    "I think I'd better go see Cologne."

   Ryouga looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to him?"

   Oh boy.

@.@

   Ranma recognized the Amazon matriarch the second he saw 
her. Or, rather, the second he saw _him_. Cologne was male.

   "Ah, Apprentice! What can I do for you?"

   "Something's wrong," he said flatly. "My memories don't match 
reality. You should be female, and Ryouga should have a 
Jyusenkyou curse."

   The withered old man listened as Ranma told about the burst of 
light, the events in the kitchen, and his conversation with Ryouga. 
Finally he spoke.

   "I think I know what has happened, but I will need to make sure. 
If you will stand still for a moment..."

   Ranma did, and Cologne rummaged around for a selection of 
scrolls. After settling on one, he began to incant in an odd, harsh 
language. The room grew dark, and a odd aura flared around 
Ranma's body.

   Despite an urge to scream and run, he held still.

   Cologne finally fell silent, and the glow surrounding Ranma 
faded. The old man slowly nodded. "As I thought. You are not from 
this reality."

   "Huh?"

   "Someone has exchanged you with the Ranma Saotome of this 
universe. You are not where you belong."

   His head spun. Of course, that explained everything! "How do I 
get back?"

   Cologne frowned. "It will not be easy. There are tales of a 
magical locket that let one move from one world to another, 
said to be lost somewhere in China. If you could find that..."

   "Somewhere in China! Do you have any idea how BIG China is?"

   The old man stroked his beard. "True, true. It may indeed take a 
while."

   "I don't even speak the language very well!"

   "Your best friend does."

   Ranma laughed. "Ryouga? He doesn't..."

  "No. I mean Shampoo."

   "I'd hardly call her my best friend. She wants to marry me!"

   Cologne laughed. "Really? How odd. The Shampoo of this world 
just sees you as a close friend. Although Ukyou did once try to fix 
you two up so that you'd stop bothering Akane."

   Ranma frowned. "Ukyou's a guy in this world?"

   "No, a lesbian. So is Akane. They've been going steady for 
months, although we never were able to get you to give up on 
her.."

  "Oh my G....that's....You've got to get me back to my world!"

   Shampoo entered from the back room. "Oh, Nihao Ranma. You 
spar with Shampoo?"

   "Great-granddaughter, Ranma needs your help."

@.@

   It took half an hour to persuade Shampoo to go with him. After 
some last minute advice from Cologne, the two headed out the 
door.

   If it takes a million years, Ranma thought grimly, I'm going to 
find my way home. Ucchan and Akane....  He shuddered.

   Cologne watched the pair head off in the direction of the docks, 
smiled, and put on a kettle. After a minute, Ryouga walked in.

   "Is he gone?"

   "Yes." Cologne lifted the kettle and poured it over himself, 
rapidly shifting into female form. "You did well, boy. I was afraid 
you'd foul up."

   Ryouga rubbed his head. "I had trouble convincing Akari to go 
along with it, but she gave in. Even helped me find a piglet the 
same color and size as P-chan. Got any more of that instant 
nyannichuan, by the way?"

   Cologne handed him a box. "Here you go. Except for the packet 
you used, and the packet I used, it should be full."

   "Good." Ryouga frowned for a second. "What do I tell Akane?"

   "The truth. Tell her that Ranma left for China with Shampoo, 
and never wants to see her again. She'll be upset, and you'll be 
there to comfort her."

   "And Ranma?"

   "He'll spend years searching China for a magical reality-
traveling locket that doesn't exist, while the delayed action 
love spell I cast on him starts taking effect. He'll marry Shampoo 
within two years."

   Ryouga grinned happily. "And Akane will be mine."

   "If you work hard at it." Cologne frowned. Something she had 
said was nagging at her, but she didn't know what.

   Oh well. It couldn't have been very important.

---------------------------------------------------------

   There are an awful lot of reality-travel fanfics, with Ranma waking up
in another world for no good reason. In all of them, it's odd how quickly
he accepts the fact that he really has been transported to an alternate
dimension.
   Or maybe not so odd, considering the weirdness of his life.
   Another common theme is how his love for Akane eventually carries him
through the plots and dangers tossed at him. In the end, it does seem to
be the reason for his coming out on top.
   A cunning enemy would turn this strength into a weakness.
   Special thanks to Kevin Eav, Chris Willmore, and RpM. Mythical
reality-traveling locket indeed. ^_-

 - Susan Doenime
Brisbane, U of Q
"I hit the streets / They watched me in the monitor..."