NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma with Suzy Styles
Volume II, chapter nine
Otoko wa Onna da! Onna wa Otoko da! Sei no Kubetsu wa
Muzukashii desuga Kono Fuku wa Muimi desuyo! Sobokusa,
Kudasai...!
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TENDO SUZY
Foot in her mouth
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Head in the clouds
TENDO NIKI
Fingers in the till
KURENAI CHARLOTTE
Heart in the right place
KUONJI COLLEEN
Eyes on the others
KUNOU JARRAH
Head up his arse
HAPPOUSAI GRAHAM
Hand up skirts
TENDO FIONA
Bun in the oven (Well - she cooks a lot)
SIGMATOME NICOLE
One foot in the past
TOBOKI EUAN
Heart on his sleeve
SIGMATOME LEN
Feet under the table (along with the rest of him)
GOSUNKUGI SAM
Mind on a trip
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[Opening theme: Little Date (alternate version).
Finishes with a voice-over from Suzy and an
appropriate art-card.]
SUZY [VO]: Otoko wa Onna da! Onna wa Otoko da! Sei no
Kubetsu wa Muzukashii desuga Kono Fuku wa Muimi
desuyo! Sobokusa, kudasai...!
1. BEHIND KOCHAN'S.
[Basically, it leads onto a small alley which
connects to a vacant lot.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Japan - Sunday 17 September
1995 ]
[Suzy jumps down, evidently from a second-floor
window. She looks about herself. After a moment,
Ratbat-kun also leaps down, and manages to land
on Suzy's head. Rather than them both
collapsing, though, Ratbat manages to balance
delicately on Suzy's bonce. She starts to look
irritable, then, flips her head back and Ratbat
lands undignified on the ground.]
RATBAT: Och...was that ye grace and finesse, was it?
SUZY: Nerf. Cuban heels and Suzy's head add up to more
than namby-pamby words like that.
[She helps Ratbat to his feet.]
SUZY: Well, I don't see her anywhere, do you?
RATBAT: Iie. Her, her, her...?
SUZY: Her her her nani?
RATBAT: Col called her 'he'.
SUZY: Well, Colleen's bound to be a bit confused about
gender, really. She's been pretending to be a
boy for the past, what? Eleven years? Now, when
you're supposed to be a guy, but you're finding
that you're growing different bits from all the
other boys that you have to hide, and your
body's doing things it shouldn't...
RATBAT: Ack. Reminds me of my first cross-dressing
experience. [Beat] No, it reminds me of the
first time I tried going en femme. That wasn't
quite my first experience with cross-dressing...
SUZY: Hontoo? When was your first?
2. LIVING ROOM IN HAKODATE.
[CAPTION: Hakodate, Japan - Friday 4 May 1990
]
[A doorway. Then Len walks in, wearing a tutu.]
LEN [Sloshed]: I am...so drunk!
[He collapses.]
3. BEHIND KOCHAN'S.
RATBAT: Aaa...ye dinna wanna know. Maybe not before you
come out of therapy, anyway.
SUZY: Oi! I'm not in therapy!
RATBAT: Then...this'd be the best way to keep that state
of affairs.
SUZY: Ah. Fair enough. Anyway, Colleen's got all that,
and she probably hardly ever met and girls in
all that time, because of the all-boys school,
which wouldn't have helped the fact that she
hates boys. That, and she's engaged to a boy
who's really a girl only she isn't really not
that I'd care because you can marry whoever you
want just as long as it's not
andI'llshutthehellupnow.
RATBAT: Aye, there's that, I suppose.
[Suzy shoots a look off the back of his head.]
SUZY: Well...we saw her in there, she went out the
window, we came straight after, and... [waves
hand] nothing. Charlotte is gone.
RATBAT: But how did she move so fast? There's nothing
even for her to be disguised as!
SUZY: You wanna know something, Ratti?
RATBAT: Um?
SUZY: I don't care. If someone strange wants to come
to Neribanda, and then doesn't involve
themselves with my life, then that's fucking
well fine by me.
[They walk back inside. No sooner have they
gone, than a patch of dirt suddenly spits up and
we see that Charlotte was buried underneath the
whole time.]
CHARLOTTE: Pffftttt... yuck!
[She jumps to her feet, shakes herself off, and
is instantly pristine once more.]
CHARLOTTE: That's so sweet of her - Colleen's going to play
hard-to-get, just for me!
[Skips off.]
4. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[Kunou, Graham and Tim are here.]
GRAHAM: Now - are we ready?
KUNOU: Hai!
[Strikes a pose, holding out his rubber sword..]
TIM: Han...hai!
[Looks about for something to strike a pose
with, and makes do with a feather-duster.]
GRAHAM: Then let us go forth!
[They start to walk, but:]
KUNOU: MATTE-YO!
[All hold. Kunou looks at his watch.]
KUNOU: Marmalade Boy is on.
[Graham face-faults. The only one in shot, he
growls and heads for the door.]
GRAHAM: Well, set your video or something!
[Cut to the sofa, where Tim and Kunou are
already seated before the TV with popcorn.]
TIM: The timer's broken, sensei.
[Graham freezes, then is instantly on the sofa
with them.]
GRAHAM: So, is this a repeat or a first-run?
5. KOCHAN'S.
[Ratbat and Suzy are entering. On them.]
RATBAT: ...that still doesnae explain why she called him
'he'.
[Colleen, meanwhile, is talking to Niki, and
responding to something she said.]
COLLEEN: ...it's because he's a guy!
[She thumps the counter for emphasis.]
SUZY: Ah. So Charlotte is a guy.
COLLEEN & NIKI: Nani?
SUZY: Weren't you just...?
NIKI: Shit no. We were just talking about Nuriko from
Fushigi Yuugi while we waited for you guys to
finish.
RATBAT: Oh.
COLLEEN: But you're right. Kurenai Charlotte is a guy.
SUZY: You don't just mean like, as in... 'one of the
guys' or something, do you?
COLLEEN: Iie! He's a guy. An otoko, as male as they
come...
[She leans over Suzy for emphasis.]
COLLEEN: He has a penis between his legs.
SUZY: Big deal. So do lots of girls I know.
NIKI: Yes, but I think she means one that doesn't
belong to one of a long succession of other
people.
SUZY: Aa. Wakatta ne.
RATBAT [Hopeful/interested]:But he wishes he was a girl?
COLLEEN: I don't think so, no...
RATBAT: Then what's with the...
[Grabs one of the ever-present glasses of water
and douses himself, then goes skipping around,
big cute eyes, making silly little-girl noises.]
COLLEEN: That's just how he is.
[Suzy's brain is on the verge of overloading.]
SUZY: I think you'd better tell us this right from the
beginning. Why's this yatsu hiding in all our
stuff, and things?
COLLEEN: OK, OK...well, you remember that I was in an all-
boys' school for some time...
NIKI: No.
SUZY: Well, you do now...
[Flashback to:]
6. SCHOOL CORRIDOR.
[A lot of boys in school uniforms are milling
about. In a 'clearing' in it, a slightly younger
Col (dressed as a boy) sits, reading a book.]
[CAPTION: Kyoto, Japan - Monday 24 January 1994
]
COLLEEN [VO]:I don't know quite why or how he first noticed
me, but all of a sudden he started vying for my
attention.
[A nearby vent flips open, and a younger
Charlotte (in seiraa fuku) pops out, carrying a
big bundle of flowers.]
CHARLOTTE: Kuonji-chan!!
COLLEEN [VO]:At first I thought the same that you did. That
he was a girl. But as time wore on...
[Col tentatively pokes at Charlotte's chest, and
finds nothing there.]
COLLEEN [VO]:...I soon learnt that that was just the way he
dressed.
[Charlotte tentatively reaches towards Col's
chest in return. We see a full screen hit-
effect, then cut to Charlotte embedded in the
opposite wall. Dissolve.]
7. LAUNDRY.
[Just an ordinary laundry.]
COLLEEN [VO]:I kept trying to escape him,
[Col rushes in and leans panting against the
washing-machine.]
COLLEEN [VO]:but he was a master of disguise and hiding, not
to mention one hell of a tracker.
[The washer pops open, and Charlotte bursts
forth, carrying a heart-shaped box of sweets.
Col jerks back, angry.]
COLLEEN [VO]:Eventually I realised I had to do something.
So...I [almost shamefaced] went and told him
about my engagement to Ratchan.
RATBAT [VO]: Oh, nice. Charlotte gets told. I don't. Are
there any other fiances I should know about?
SUZY [VO, unintentionally firm]: How about you just hope
there's not.
CHARLOTTE: Come on, Col-chan! Why won't you go out with me?
Not even once?
[Something clicks in the younger Col's head.]
COL: Because I'm engaged to someone else!
[Charlotte is momentarily taken aback.]
CHARLOTTE: Nani? I don't believe you!
COL: Well, it's true!
[Charlotte folds his arms and looks at her
squarely.]
CHARLOTTE: Dare, then?
COL: Here. His name's Sigmatome Ratbat.
[Col fishes a photo out of her pocket and gives
it to him. Charlotte looks at it for a moment,
then:]
CHARLOTTE [Aghast]: Masaka...
[Col looks satisfied until he goes on:]
CHARLOTTE: That's absolutely disgusting...!
COL: Nani? You don't think someone my age should be
engaged?
CHARLOTTE: Never mind you, you hentai! You disgusting
bloody predatory paedophile!
[Col looks blank. Blinks: bink!]
COL: I what?
CHARLOTTE: Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking
about!
[Shoves the photo - a picture of Ratbat when he
first met Col - under her nose.]
CHARLOTTE: He's about five years old!
[Col face-faults.]
COL: That's not what he looks like now!
CHARLOTTE: Oh, I think you're just making up stories and
showing me pictures of friends of yours to
confuse me! You're hiding that you can't resist
me! [Laughs]
[End flashback.]
8. KOCHAN'S.
COLLEEN: So, as you can imagine, that didn't go down too
well. He kept after me for months, right up
until I moved here. I thought I might have
finally thrown him off. [Beat] Guess not.
NIKI: That doesn't explain the girl-look.
COLLEEN: Oh, that's nothing. That's just how he dresses.
I think he just likes girls' clothes better.
SUZY: Yeh, that makes sense.
RATBAT: ?
SUZY: Well, there's plenty of females that wear male
clothes. I mean...well, I always do.
NIKI: Always? I saw you wearing a skirt not two weeks
ago!
SUZY: Well...it was a guy skirt!
NIKI: Anyway, what about bras and stuff?
SUZY: Shitagi doesn't count!
RATBAT: Nee, what type of underwear does Charlotte wear?
COLLEEN: What?! Why would I know about his underwear?! Am
I supposed to be some kind of hentai?!
[She pulls out The Spatula and thumps her off
her stool. Suzy and Niki barely bat an eyelid.]
SUZY: It works better if you say 'Ratbat no baka' when
you do it.
NIKI: Ee.
RATBAT [Broken]: I'd just...wondered...ouch...
9. MEADOW.
[Actually, the first shot we see is Charlotte's
underwear [bikini briefs, for those who
wondered] as he skips down from somewhere into
shot, his dress lifting as he does. We see that
he is carrying a flower, plucking petals from
it.]
CHARLOTTE: She loves me...[pluck]...she loves me
not...[pluck]...she loves me...[pluck]...she
loves me not...
[He's run out of petals.]
CHARLOTTE: Nani? She loves me not? Oh, bum! I don't like
that one either! [Looks up, beyond the meadow]
Oh, who needs these silly flowers? I know where
Colleen herself is!
[Throws the last petal and stalk over his
shoulder, then skips off. We pan to behind him,
where quite a large pile of petals and stalks,
about as tall as he is, has built up. It has a
candle sticking out of the top of it.]
GOSUNKUGI [Muffled]: Um...hello?
10. KOCHAN'S.
[Everyone's thinking things over. Niki is
looking a bit fed-up.]
NIKI: Isn't anyone of a normal, clear-cut gender
anymore? You're a girl but you used to dress up
as a guy. Suzy's a girl that dresses in guy's
clothes. Charlotte's a guy but he looks like a
girl. And Batti-chan here changes sex every
seven minutes or so. [Beat] This is getting to
be gender-bender capital of the world!
SUZY: Quiet, or I'll tell everyone about when you went
to school with socks stuffed down the front of
your trousers.
[Niki rolls her eyes.]
NIKI: Ah, bite my snatch.
[That activates Suzy's incest gland. She slides
right up to Niki.]
SUZY: Ohhh...can I?
[Niki returns Those Eyes, then snaps them back
to normal.]
NIKI: Well, rather you than her.
[Indicates Ratbat. Suzy starts to look put out,
then she has an idea.]
SUZY: Aha! Just tell him you're an onna!
COLLEEN: How will that help?
SUZY: Well, he must be gay, right? I mean, it was an
all-boys school, he must have thought he was
coming onto another guy!
[Colleen looks rather shamefaced.]
COLLEEN: Um, no, actually.
RATBAT: He saw through it? He must be good at this
detective lark.
COLLEEN: Um...I kinda accidentally gave it away to a few
of the guys...
[Flashback to:]
11. CHANGE-ROOM.
[A PE change-room. Col (in boy uniform) is here,
with a few other guys around her. Charlotte
isn't far away, but obviously he isn't obsessed
yet.]
[CAPTION: Kyoto, Japan - Wednesday 10 February
1993 ]
[Col hums Rock the Planet to herself as she gets
changed for class. She removes the jacket, then
the shoes and trousers. All fine. Then she
removes her shirt, and suddenly her breasts are
quite noticeable - and quite exposed. It's a few
moments before she notices, then she suddenly
looks down.]
COL: Aaagh!
[Covers herself damn quick. No-one noticed...did
they? End flashback.]
12. KOCHAN'S.
[Colleen feels all the other eyes staring at
her.]
SUZY: Manuke.
COLLEEN: I didn't bind yet! I hadn't noticed how big they
were!
SUZY: How can you not notice your own tits?!
COLLEEN: You know how it is when you're growing up! You
don't really notice there being much for ages
and ages, then suddenly - foop! - there they
are!
[Ratbat looks as if she's going to say
something, then changes her mind.]
SUZY: Not that quickly.
COLLEEN: OK, so I missed gakko for a day or two, then
didn't reassess the morning I went back.
SUZY: How many days or two?
COLLEEN: Six months.
RATBAT: Kah!
NIKI: Wow. Look at you guys. Colleen forgets about
hers, Ratbat's got four of 'em, and one of
Suzy's is missing its nipple. [Looks proud] At
least someone around here is normal.
[Suzy, Ratbat and Colleen look at Niki's chest
(let's face it, she's not exactly bosomically
deficient, to put it lightly), then up at her
face.]
COLLEEN, RATBAT, SUZY: Normal?
NIKI: I can see I'm just going to be picked on all day
today.
[She is about to sulk out when Colleen snaps her
fingers.]
COLLEEN: I know what I could tell him, though!
RATBAT: I don't like the way you're looking at me right
now. I kinda feel like a spatula sitting between
you and your griddle.
COLLEEN: You're here now! You're not just a photo! I can
show you to him, and he might believe that we're
actually engaged!
[Suzy suddenly grabs Colleen by the collar.]
COLLEEN: Oi!
NIKI: Nee, Suzy-chan! She's only doing it to get rid of
Charlotte!
RATBAT: Aye, it's not like it's going to really mean
anything!
COLLEEN [VO]:Chikusho!
NIKI: You needn't get quite so jealous.
SUZY: Why would I be jealous? Who says I'm jealous!
I'm not jealous!
COLLEEN: Hnnhh...then why did you grab me?!
SUZY: I didn't!
COLLEEN: ...
SUZY: Um, I thought I saw a bug.
[Lets go of the chef and traces her finger
through the air.]
SUZY: Han, see? There it goes. Zzzz-zzzzzz. Hah. It's
got red stripes on...it goes faster.
NIKI: Suz?
SUZY: Ee?
NIKI: Shut up.
RATBAT: All we gotta do now is find the geezer.
[Colleen looks around for a moment.]
COLLEEN: It's just like before! As soon as you actually
want to talk to him, he's nowhere to be found!
[Suzy nudges Ratbat, and points towards one
wall. They speak in low voices.]
SUZY: I haven't seen that big lamp around here before,
have you?
RATBAT: Nuh-uh.
SUZY: I'm thinking cross-dresser.
RATBAT: Aye.
[They get up and go a big, ornate-looking
lamp/ornament display that could easily conceal
a person. They shout at it.]
SUZY: Hey! Come on out of there!
RATBAT: It's no nice to skulk about like that!
SUZY: It makes people nervous when they know you do
that. And it certainly won't help your chances
with Colleen!
[Colleen and Niki watch them, bored expressions
on their faces.]
COLLEEN: Why do you think they're talking to my new lamp
I got this morning?
NIKI: I have no idea, I think they're mental.
RATBAT: Ye canna keep shtum like that forever...!
[Behind them, the door opens normally, and
Charlotte just walks in.]
CHARLOTTE: Ohayo!
[Suzy and Ratbat start, and turn around.]
SUZY: If anyone ever asks, we deny it to the grave.
RATBAT: Agreed.
COLLEEN: Ah. Charlotte. I've got something to tell you.
CHARLOTTE: And I've got something to give you!
[Whips out a present from behind her back.]
COLLEEN: Grrr...!
[Takes the present and puts it aside, next to
Niki.]
CHARLOTTE: What have you got to tell me? [Eyes bright] That
you'll go out with me?
COLLEEN: No. Do you remember, ages ago? When I told you I
was already engaged?
CHARLOTTE [Flat]: Oh. What is it to now, a tribble?
COLLEEN: It's still to the same guy. See? He's real!
[Points to Ratbat. Charlotte looks at her
blankly. Colleen realises and sighs. She throws
a kettle at her, flooring her and splashing her,
causing the change. Colleen reaches under the
counter and gets the photo, then jumps over it
and goes to them. Hold on Niki and the present.]
PRESENT [Softly]: Buki.
[Niki looks a bit bewildered, then takes the lid
off the box and looks in. She whispers.]
NIKI: Euan-kun?
B-CHAN [OOV]:Buii!
[Niki reaches in and withdraws B-chan.]
NIKI: Kuso, can't you go anywhere without someone
stealing you?
[B-chan gives the best shrug a little pig can
give while a human's holding him by the collar.]
B-CHAN [Sad]:Buki.
NIKI: I'll take you out back and get you some water.
Mind you, though, it's g-- nani?
[B-chan is shaking his head vigorously.]
B-CHAN: Buiiiiii!
[He nods back at Suzy.]
NIKI: [Sigh] Fine. Whatever!
[With the single hand holding his collar, she
flicks him back towards Suzy, who catches him,
slightly surprised.]
SUZY: B-chan? Where did you come from?
B-CHAN: Buiii.
[He then goes to sleep on her folded arms.
Meanwhile, Ratbat and Colleen (doing very bad
we're-a-couple poses) are facing Charlotte, who
looks slightly disappointed.]
COLLEEN: You believe me now, then?
CHARLOTTE: Hai...hai. I'm just going to have to accept that
you're engaged to Sigmatome Ratbat...
[As Charlotte bows his head, Colleen sighs with
great relief. Suddenly Charlotte's head snaps
back up.]
CHARLOTTE: So that just means that when you go out with me
it'll be adultery! But who cares, right?
[Grins happily and giggles.]
CHARLOTTE: I'll see you later, Colleen!
[He skips off, still giggling. Everyone stares
after him, frozen.]
COLLEEN: I...hate...everything.
[She keels over. Dissolve.]
13. LIVING ROOM.
[Mix in. Niki, Suzy with B-chan, and Ratbat-chan
enter, passing Fiona, who is playing cards with
Nicole.]
FIONA: Ohayo gozaimasu. Aa, Suzy-chan - I see you found
B-chan.
SUZY: Hai. [To Ratbat] Do you think she'll find away
to get rid of him now?
RATBAT: As long as that thing's name isn't [checks
herself] Tendo Komoriko, I don't care.
NICOLE: What's this?
NIKI: Oh, we're just sorting out love lives of
everyone in the ward, don't mind us.
NICOLE: Oh. Fair enough.
[The kids are about to pass out of the room,
when they stop, seeing that Tim has appeared at
the big window-thing. Fiona looks up.]
FIONA: Ahh, Tim-chan. This is a nice surprise!
[Tim looks slightly disappointed as Kunou and
Graham come up behind him.]
TIM: I'm afraid this is...an official visit.
FIONA [Downcast]: Oh.
KUNOU: Hodjsuke-kun! Read it to them!
TIM: Hai, Kunou-sama. [Realises something] [Whispers]
You'll need to give me the scroll first, sir.
KUNOU: I do not have the scroll! 'Twas thy task to
bring it!
TIM: If I recall sir, it was in your hand.
KUNOU: Then why dost not I have it? I remember I felt
it as it was passed to another!
[They turn to Graham.]
KUNOU: Thou must have it, sensei.
[Graham looks guilty.]
GRAHAM: So I forgot it! I was too caught up wondering if
the long-haired guy was going to be on the
terebi!
[Kunou and Tim cover their faces with their
hands. Kunou turns to the Tendos and
Sigmatomes.]
KUNOU: Chotto matte, kudasai.
[They disappear for a few seconds, and we hear
some furious crumpling, ripping and scratching.
When they return, Tim is holding something
behind his back.]
KUNOU: Proceed, Timothy.
[Tim brings out what is behind his back.
A...well, not quite a scroll. More a ripped bit
of newspaper scrawled on with magic marker and
sticky-taped to a popstick.]
TIM [Reads]: Now hear this, as it is an announcement of
formal challenge!
[Len (panda) and Bobbi enter the room as he says
this.]
TIM[Reads]: Let it be known that the Rejinra master
Happousai Graham has issued the following
statement: At this time in three days, there
shall be a contest between the sensei's
champion, Kunou Jarrah, and the chosen best
student of Rejinra's sole current teaching
place, the Tendo Dojo. Should his student fight
the dojo challenger to a standstill, the sensei,
will - as his right under the traditions of
Rejinra - take charge of the dojo - and be its
sole and rightful owner!
[He rolls the 'scroll' back up. All three of
them bow. Dumbfounded, the other seven bow back.
Tim, Graham and Kunou leave, and then we see the
reaction of Suzy, Ratbat, Bobbi, Niki, Len, B-
chan, Fiona and Nicole: what on Earth do they do
now?]
NIKI: Kunou trained by Happi Gra-Gra?
RATBAT: That could be nasty. You've seen how good they
both were before.
SUZY: Hai. A scary combination. Kuso.
NICOLE: Can he do that? Make that challenge?
SUZY: I'm afraid so.
BOBBI: Well, it seems there's only one thing I can do
about this.
NIKI: Right. I'll start the book on it.
BOBBI: Niki-chan! Don't you appreciate what might
happen here!
[Niki shrugs.]
NIKI: Yeah, I could clean up.
BOBBI: And we could lose the household's only source of
income!
[Niki turns stark white and passes out.]
FIONA: So what is it you said you were going to do,
Okaasan?
BOBBI: I am going to go away, and find myself a very,
very, very large Scotch - and drink it.
[Len nods.]
LEN: Mrowf.
[Len holds up a sign: 'At least we understand
the gravity of the situation.']
END CREDITS.
[With the alternative version of Equal Romance.]
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Kurenai Charlotte
CHARLOTTE SAROSSY
Kuonji Colleen
COLLEEN HICK
Happousai Graham
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Hodjsuke Timothy
TIM HODGE
Sigmatome Nicole
NICOLE WYLIE
B-chan
EUAN BOWEN
Gosunkugi Sam
SAM SMITH
written by
URAC SIGMA
with
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
SUZY STYLES
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
(amongst others)
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/bundahalf.html
(c) Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVII
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
| 'Och, fine...it's bad for a boy to sleep with a girl, but not for a |
| girl to sleep with a pig.' |
| 'Yes! ...No! It's a principles thing!' |
| - Sigmatome Ratbat and Toboki Euan, NARRABUNDAH 1/2 |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Commander Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma u962986@student.canberra.edu.au |
| Come on down to the Ratcave - http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778 |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+