This came back to me bounced (I had sent it over a week ago), so I'm
posting it again. Sorry if you've already recieved this.
---
Raphael See
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 1997 23:32:33 -0700 (MST)
From: Raphael See <raphael@asu.edu>
To: Raphael See <raphael@asu.edu>
Subject: [FFML] The Party [C&C]
(scene: a darkened room. Lights slowly come on to reveal a messy,
cluttered dorm room with worn couch and coffee table in front, tiny TV
and VCR in back. Seated on the couch are our hosts Noriko and Raphael.)
Raphael: Welcome yet again to another Mystery C&C Theater 1/2!
Noriko: This evening Raphael and I will be looking at a fanfic by Mike
Noakes titled "The Party."
Raphael: This fic is apparently Part One of a longer work called
"Choices," and is still in progress.
Noriko: You checked with Mike-san first _this_ time, right?
Raphael: Yes, I did, thank you very much. At least, I think I did...
(Noriko rolls her eyes as Raphael pushes "play" on the remote)
10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...
Choices
Part One: The Party
Burning embers floated high on the night wind, to flicker
briefly among the stars before flaring, fading, dying.
Noriko: ...I think I'd change "to flicker" to "flickering." It seems to
flow better that way. Either that, or take out the comma.
Raphael: Don't waste any time, do you? Let the nitpicking begin!
(receives a faceful of popcorn)
Noriko: (sweetly) Nope.
they drifted into the sky. As Hiroshi watched, one particular
particle of glowing ash was carried away, then reversed directions
when caught in an unexpected eddy. It alighted upon a bare arm and
Noriko: "...as it was caught in an unexpected eddy?"
Raphael: Okay, that was _really_ nitpicky, even for you.
Noriko: (slightly embarrassed) Okay, maybe you're right. I'll try to cut
back a little bit. But not very much; it's what I do, remember?
Ranma glanced at the bottle with a certain distaste and shook
his head. "You know I don't drink." he answered. Hiroshi
Noriko: That period should be a comma at the end of the quote. (notices
Raphael's glare) Hey, that was a legitimate nit this time! Stop looking
at me like that!
Actually, he thought as he glanced around for Daisuke (his
friend having head back into the house to grab a few more drinks
from the fridge), it was surprising enough that Ranma had come at
all.
Noriko: "...his friend having headed back into the house..."
Raphael: (sighs) You're hopeless.
Noriko: (a bit defensive) So are you. At least I'm making some comments
instead of complaining.
Raphael: Hey, I'll make comments on my own good time! We're only a minute
into the tape and you've already made -- what was that -- four nitpicks?
bother coming out, he should at least try to have a little fun. Ranma
must've read his thoughts, because a second later he turned to
Hiroshi.
Noriko: That should probably be "must have" instead of "must've." In
dialogue, "must've" would be fine, but since it's located in a prose
portion of the fic...
"I didn't really even want to come." said Ranma. "It was
my stupid pop's idea . . . and Mr. Tendo, of course. They found out
Akane was coming to this party with some friends of hers . . . so
they thought it only natural that her fiance aughta accompany her."
Noriko: "Fiancee."
"Here ya go, bud. . ." His thoughts were interrupted as
Daisuke plopped down next to him. His friend passed a few bottles
over before glancing across at Ranma, who had returned to staring
sullenly at the fire. "Hey. . . what's with him?" he whispered to
Hiroshi.
Hiroshi suppressed a smile. "Another fight with Akane." he
answered. "She told him to leave her alone."
Raphael: Does Hiroshi think Ranma's blue funk is funny? Nice friend of his...
Noriko: Maybe Hiroshi has become numb, kind of like when people become
desensitized to violence on TV. After a while, the tragedy of the
situation begins to wear away.
Hiroshi watched as the other guy stepped into the firelight.
It most certainly was Ryuta: one of the local Furinkan bullies, one of
the few that had managed to survive after the various martial artists
had arrived and the regime of Miss Hinako had begun.
Raphael: (a bit incredulous) A bully, huh? I dunno... I don't think I
could imagine _anyone_ remaining as a bully at Furinkan, what with Ranma,
Akane, Ukyou, Miss Hinako, Kuno, Principal Kuno, and all...
Noriko: Maybe. But I have the suspicion that those aren't the people that
Uehara prefers to bully. And besides, Team Ranma can't be everywhere all
the time. Someone's bound to slip through the cracks sooner or later.
"Sit down!" said the bully, eyes flashing, upper lip curling
with scorn. "Or do I gotta beat the lot of you wimps up, too?"
Hiroshi had no doubt that he could, too - the guy was a nasty
brawler, always getting into scuffles with goons from other schools.
. . and usually winning. Resigned to a whole lot of pain, Hiroshi
hesitantly raised his fists in something hopefully approximating a
fighting stance.
Noriko: See? "With other schools," not with the locals at Furinkan.
Raphael: Yeah, I guess. I didn't think anyone else could hold their own
against the Ranma Regulars.
Noriko: *ahem*
Raphael: Heh. You realize, of course, that in the rewrites I'm gonna have to
have Kuno trash you even more than he did the first time. People have
been complaining.
Noriko: What??
Raphael: (defensively) Hey, I don't like it any better than you do. But
don't take it up with me...
. . . and suddenly the big guy was clutching his shoulder in
pain and surprise. "What the?"
Hiroshi opened his eyes, surprised he was still standing,
wondering what the delay was. And suddenly, he knew, and
grinned. Ryuta Uehara had chosen the _wrong_ group to threaten
this time. With a narrowing of eyes, the bully took another step
forward.
Raphael: Heh. I was _wondering_ when Saotome was gonna step in. Go get 'im!
"I'm gonna... ouch!" exclaimed Ryuta. "You. . . ouch!
Ouch! Dammit. . . ouch!" He tried to take a step forward;
something pinged off his knee. Then his chest. Then his thighs,
shoulders, arms, and finally his forehead. He staggered back, a
small trickle of blood streaming from the small cut between his
eyes. He glared at the group. "I'll get. . .!"
This one bounced off his groin. His eyes bulged, briefly,
before he twisted away, moaning, and stumbled ungracefully in the
general direction of the house.
Raphael: Now _that_ was a satisfying little sequence there.
Noriko: (nods) No kidding. I just hate bullies...
"You. . . you were flinging beercaps at him?"
"Yup! Saotome School of Anything-Goes Special Attack:
Cap-oeira Strike; just one of the many moves that make up the style
known as 'Bar Fly Do'."
Raphael: Grooooaaaaannnn!
Noriko: (grimacing slightly) Good grief, but that was a bad one.
The small metal disk winged its merry way through the
Neriman sky. Eventually, it began its rapid descent. With a loud
'ting' it bounced off a late-night pedestrian's head.
With a growl, he reached down and picked up the crumpled
cap. He didn't know where it came from. He didn't know how it
came to bounce off his head. But somehow, Ryoga Hibiki knew that
Ranma Saotome was to blame.
Raphael: Hee hee hee! Nice little touch there, Mike.
Noriko: (smiling slightly) And the best part is that he's actually right
on target this time, so to speak.
"Are you sure you don't want it?"
Hiroshi watched as Ranma sighed and shook his head.
"Yes, I'm sure." he answered, pushing away Daisuke's offer.
"Listen. . . you don't gotta thank me for helping out. That guy was
asking for it; can't stand jerks like that. I hate bullies."
Noriko: Again, that should be a comma at the end of "Yes, I'm sure."
didn't care, didn't even _want_ to be part of the gang? And then he
saw Ranma glance up, give a sad, almost envious look at the guys as
their voices rose in mirth and mock argument, and then Hiroshi
knew that that couldn't be why. Well, whatever the reasons, Hiroshi
Noriko: I'd take that second "then" out of "...Hiroshi knew that couldn't
be why." It's a little repetitive.
Raphael: You mean, kinda like your endless nitpicks? (receives a cushion
in the face)
Getting drawn in despite himself, Hiroshi had to agree.
Sure, the red-headed Keiko was cute, but the body on Hiromi was. .
. impressive, to say the least. Beside, the one guy _had_ to defend
Keiko - he was dating her. "Sorry, man, but I gotta agree with
Toshi." he said, addressing Keiko's stalwart defender. "Just _look_
at Hiromi. . ."
Noriko: I think that should read, "Besides, the one guy _had_..."
"Hey! It's not of your business!" exclaimed Hiroshi.
High. Seemed everybody had an opinion on who was the hottest
babe in school. Hiroshi noticed that a couple of the girls walking by
gave them dirty looks, but he didn't really care.
Noriko: Hmph.
Raphael: What's wrong?
Noriko: Honestly! That's all you men care about, isn't it? Who's the
"hottest" girl around? Who's got the "best bod?" I wish, just for once,
you men would start thinking with your brains instead of your--
Raphael: (interrupts) Hey! That's kind of a blanket statement, isn't it?
Not _all_ of us do that, you know.
Noriko: Okay, okay, so maybe I'm being a little unfair. But it sure as
heck is annoying.
Raphael: And besides, it's not like you gals don't do that sort of thing,
either.
Noriko: (indignant) I do not!
Raphael: Uh-huh.
"Well, ah. . . you know. . ." he stammered.
Daisuke nudged him. "C'mon, Ranma. . . you gotta have a
favourite. . . maybe that friend of Nabiki's, the one with the pig-tail?
Eh?"
"What? No! I. . . ah, you know. . ." He stopped when he
realized everybody - or at least those who knew him - were grinning
at him. "What?"
Raphael: (confused) So they don't know about his curse yet?
Noriko: I think they were teasing him. At least, the ones that know him
were doing so.
"HEY!" protested Ranma. "Akane? No way!"
"No?"
"No! That Tomboy? Ha! She's..."
"KAWAIKUNEE!" chorused the crowd, and laughed.
Raphael: Sheesh. When the whole crowd can recite the mantra, you know
you've been repeating it too long.
"Hey! Why don't we ask Ranma?" suddenly asked Toshi's
friend, Kenji. "You gotta know what the women like!"
"Me?" Ranma started at his sudden inclusion in the
conversation. "Why me?"
"Well, gee, maybe 'cus you've got three fiancees?"
"And all those other girls chasing after you?"
"Heck, you've been living with two of the best looking girls
in the school for, what, a year now?"
Raphael: And you're a girl half the time yourself?
Noriko: I think Ranma's friends are smarter than that. That's kind of a
sore spot for him, remember?
Raphael: (a bit sheepish) Oh, yeah...
"Gee, thanks a lot, Saotome. . ." grumbled Kenji.
"Seriously, though, guys," continued Ranma, shuffling in a
little closer. "D'ya think if I knew what made women happy, I'd
always be fighting with Akane? I may live with her - but I certainly
can't figure her out!"
Noriko: That's a good point. If Ranma truly understood us females, there
wouldn't be much point to the entire series, would there? He could just
straighten each "complication" out as they came, leaving him and Akane to
live happily ever after.
Raphael: Hm... I guess a manga series of everyone being content _would_ be a
bit dull after the second or third volume...
"Oh, yeah, sure, a guy. . ." muttered Ryuta. "My mistake."
"I'm glad we got that cleared up." Ranma said, still glaring.
"Yeah." Ryuta turned away, then paused. "It's just that. . ."
he started. "You sure _look_ like a girl!" Ranma hopped back as
Ryuta spun around and punched forward; he avoided the strike with
ease - but the contents of Ryuta's glass hit him full in the face.
Hiroshi groaned out loud.
Raphael: Oh, geez. This could get ugly. I hope Ranma mops the floor with
this guy, but good.
"That idiot." she growled. And after I made him promise
not to fight!
Noriko: That should be a comma, too. I think this carries through most of
this chapter.
"So what's it about this time?"
"I don't know - I think the other guy started it - but he's not
alone. . ."
The other guy started it? Not likely, considering Ranma.
Well, she'd set everything straight - and she'd beat up both involved
parties if she had too!
Raphael: Hey, that's not fair. Even after Sayuri said it herself that it
didn't look like Ranma started it...
Noriko: It seems to be the current trend to have Akane perpetually
put the blame on Ranma, no matter what the extenuating circumstances might
say. And besides, Akane _does_ have a tendency to assume the worst when
Ranma's concerned... Oh, by the way, that last "too" should be "to."
Ranma wiped the liquid from her eyes. It wasn't water - it
was slightly sticky and smelt sweet, and stang her eyes a little - but
Noriko: I'm not sure that "stang" is a word. "Stung" might be more
appropriate. And "smelt," I believe, is a metallurgical term, or perhaps
a type of fish. Perhaps "smelled," instead.
Raphael: You're doing it again...
Noriko: (blushes slightly) I'm sorry! But...
Raphael: Yeah, yeah, I know. That's what you do.
"I find that hard to believe. C'mon, what's it like - having
your breasts felt up?"
"I wouldn't know."
"No? Maybe you've gone further. . . maybe tried it with a
guy, eh, you little sex-changing freak? What's it like, feeling some
guy inside of you, huh? Grinding away at you, thrusting, his hands
all over. . ."
Raphael: Oh, GEEZ! Just finish him off, and pound his friends for good
measure!! Don't put up with this crap!
Noriko: (nods) Yes, please. This creep is a disgrace and embarassment to
males and females alike.
the leash restraining her anger slipping. The presence of the crowd
thrust itself upon her awareness, their whispering coming to her
peripherally: some of the guys she'd been chatting with, who knew
her, wondering why she hadn't taken Ryuta down yet; others, who
hadn't been there, but recognized her, unsurprised that she'd started
a fight - "oh, look, it's Ranma, fighting again, big surprise. . .", they
said; and the others, the curious, the surprised, wondering "who's
that girl" or "shouldn't we do something, she's going to get hurt" ,
but no one actually doing anything, after all, it wasn't any of _their_
business, and Uehara was a really _big_ guy.
Noriko: (frowning slightly) I think that sentence is a bit too big for
its own good. It gets a bit hard to read after a while...
deep shuddering breath, an attempt to regain control. And then, "I'm
a man".
Noriko: (looks like she's about to say something) .....
Raphael: Don't say it. Haven't you nitpicked enough?
Noriko: (this time, glares at her partner) .....
"They. . . they _are_ my friends!" insisted Ranma.
Ryuta stared down at her for a long moment, before one
corner of his smile twisted up in a sneer. " I just realized how well
that body suits you. You're a coward, Saotome."
"Am I? Challenge me and find out, asshole!"
He looked at her for a moment, then laughed. "I couldn't. I
don't fight girls." he said, loudly, and turned away.
Raphael: Oh, _Geez_. If this guy doesn't get a few joints dislocated by
the time the party's over, I'm gonna be _real_ surprised.
Noriko: No... this is good for Ranma, actually. It looks like the
situation's resolving, without a fight. If only Ranma can muster the
self-control to not strike back...
He paused, and after a beat, slowly turned around to face
her. Ranma could feel the tension around her, everyone holding
their breath. And then he smiled, and gave her the most infuriatingly
condescending look. "Cute, ain't she?" he smirked. "Must be that
time of the month."
Noriko: (through clenched teeth) I take it all back. Snap him like a
twig!!
Raphael: ..... (scoots a few centimeters away from his partner)
Sudden shame possessed her, so intense it nearly brought
tears to her eyes. It quickly transformed into anger and hatred. She
flowed forward, riding the fury, feral grin and furious eyes lighting
her face, animalistic gleeful snarl escaping her lips. Her tormenter
couldn't follow, he was slow, far, far too slow to react in time. His
tentative guard was knocked away, yanked forward, her other hand
latching onto his armpit, fingers and thumb digging into muscle
viciously, leg hooking in, snapping straight, breaking his stance.
She could smell the alcohol clinging to him, the sudden fear, feel as
he tried to pull away, see the surprise and pain rise in his eyes as he
stumbled forward, and then the sudden wince, the eyes almost
rolling back, as she buried her knee into his crotch. He curled up
and collapsed, but still she held him; her grim smile tightened as she
smashed her fist forward, downwards, the rush of adrenalin proving
that she was a _man_. . .
Noriko: Whew. That was a good paragraph. You can almost feel the
intensity of the pure hatred and rage inside of him...
Raphael: Huh. I thought he was a bit easy on Uehara, myself. Remember
"Ill Met?"
Noriko: Be glad that this isn't the "Ill Met" Ranma. I don't think a
homicide would look very good on Ranma's record.
And then, turning back to the source of the new conflict: he
saw the girls who had followed Akane, glaring at Ranma like she
was some kind of bug, the cause of all their friend's problems; and
finally Akane, disgusted, enraged, sick of her fiancee and angry as
usual. Everything was so quiet, everyone looking at Ranma, the
party disrupted, the fun ruined. She wasn't wanted here. She didn't
belong here. Ryuta was right.
"Fuck this." muttered Ranma. "I don't know why I
bothered."
She turned her back on them all and walked away.
Noriko: That was well-executed, Mike-san. The despair and hopelessness
that Ranma must be feeling is very vivid here. Even his spurt of
profanity indicates how far gone he feels.
Raphael: It sucks to be Ranma, doesn't it? I mean, with all the nifty
martial arts abilites he has, I think the drawbacks seriously outweigh
the advantages.
Maybe she could go for a swim, she thought, trying to
distract herself, then remembered that she'd probably drown if she
did.
Noriko: "...then remembering...?"
Raphael: Harumph. Even though my partner here is too busy looking for
nits to pick, I like the way you try to balance the equation a little and
have Akane worry about Ranma. I mean, she doesn't _hate_ him, even if she
sometimes says so...
Noriko: Hey, I was going to bring that up after I was done. You stole my
line!
"Nothin'" muttered Ranma in response. A moment later she
turned to Hiroshi with an intense look in her eyes. "Listen. . . do
you have any of that beer left?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess. . ." he answered, surprised.
"Would'ya mind if I borrowed some? I'll pay you back, I
promise. . ."
Raphael: Uh-oh... I get the feeling that this is gonna lead to trouble...
Noriko: ...Maybe he'll be able to handle the alcohol better than most...
He's skilled in Suiken, isn't he?
"What, you don't like it?' asked Daisuke, leaning over. She
shrugged and took another drink.
Noriko: There's another typo here, with the end quotation mark.
"If Kaori said it hurt that much, believe her, 'kay? 'Cus it
does - it can. Sometimes it ain't so bad - and some other times,
well. . . it is. You ain't never felt it, Kiyoshi - it bites, man, it
really, really bites."
"And how would you know, huh?"
Ranma glared at him evenly. "Think about it. . ."
Raphael: (grimacing) Ugh. That's _one_ detail about Ranma's life that I
didn't need to know about. Sucks to be a girl, doesn't it?
Noriko: Well... I think the benefits highly outweigh the possible
"drawbacks" most people associate with being female.
Raphael: Benefits? Like what?
Noriko: Well... (starts to count on her fingers) There's the increase in
sensitivity to people, greater perception, a sense of tact and
propriety, higher overall intelligence, the ability to deal with others
without making a doofus of yourself...
Raphael: Wait a minute...
Noriko: (still counting) ...And don't forget that we have a _lot_ of
power. Even if you try to keep us away from it.
Raphael: (smirks) Yeah, right.
Noriko: You don't believe me? (scoots in close) You think we can't
influence your actions the way we want you to behave if we really want
to? (bats her eyes _very_ cutely and scoots a hair closer)
Raphael: (sweating and a bit flustered) Hey... that's playing dirty...
Noriko: (retreats to her original location) Hmph. (smug smile)
"What about your mom? My mom showed my sister all that
stuff. . ." asked someone.
Hiroshi wasn't sure if anyone noticed the flash of pain that
crossed her face, or the sudden tightening of her grip on her bottle.
"No." she answered in a voice that sounded strained. "My mom. . .
isn't around."
Raphael: (winces) This isn't a good night for Ranma, isn't it?
Noriko: It looks like this fic follows the same continuity as "Apron
Strings," hm?
"Then I guess that means that, as a girl, you've got, you
know, all the. . . parts, right?"
She stared at him for a moment before nodding. "Yeah."
"So that means that, ah, theoretically speaking, you could,
you know, get. . ."
"I don't like to think about that." she said, glaring at him.
"And neither should you."
Raphael: Amen to that. I think we're gonna get stormed with another wave
of "Ranma gets pregnant" fics.
Noriko: Be nice! Some of those fics were well-written, too.
"Oh, she's closer than you think. In fact - you could say
she's right here. . . sitting with us!"
There was a brief silence, and then everybody's eyes slowly
turned to Ranma. She looked around in confusion for a moment,
then glanced down at herself, then back up at the group. Her eyes
opened in shock. "What, me?"
Raphael: Oh, geez. That's got to be embarassing.
Noriko: And awkward, too. How do you deal with a revelation like that,
especially coming from one of your best friends?
There was a round of applause, and then Daisuke stood up.
"Well, that's done." he declared. "Time for a swim, I think." There
was a quick chorus of agreement, and everybody leapt to their feet,
some more unsteadily than other.
They were half-way to the pool change-room before they
realized they'd left Ranma behind, still sitting stunned by the fire.
(tape ends)
Noriko: This is what Mike-san meant when he said that the volume was
incomplete, isn't it?
Raphael: I dunno... While some more wouldn't hurt a bit, this isn't too
bad a stopping point, either. I mean, obviously, you couldn't end the
entire fic this way, but it's a good point for stopping in between
chapters.
Noriko: Well... I guess I can see what you mean by that.
Raphael: So, what did you think?
Noriko: What did I think? Well, there were a few technical errors here
and there that a thorough rereading could fix, but the premise and
overall story is quite good. I like the expansion of Ranma's social life
outside of the craziness that too often pervades Furinkan. It's a good
slice of life, even if it isn't one that's very cheery.
Raphael: Heh. I'll agree about the not-too-cheery comment. From the title
of the fic, it looks like that Ranma's going to have to make some
important decisions, probably stemming from the events of this party.
Noriko: This looks like this can be an introspective, thought-provoking
series. Nicely done, Mike-san.
Raphael: And with that, we'll close this episode of Mystery C&C Theater
1/2. Good night!
Noriko: Good night!
(camera begins to fade to black)
Raphael: (slightly muted) You know, I still think you nitpick _way_ too
much...
Noriko: (more muted) Hey, what you call "nitpicking" I call
"proofreading!" It's part of C&C, right?
Raphael: Nitpicking, proofreading, it's all the same thing...
Noriko: Oh, yeah? And just what would you classify your inance comments
as, hm?
Raphael: Inane?? I resent that...
Noriko: How come? Just because you...
(camera black)
end C&C
Heh. This is starting to become a regular habit for me. I'd stop if
this wasn't so fun. :)
Mike, I hope you found mine and Noriko's comments to be of some use.
And I hope the ML gets this (the ML seems to have a bad case of the
hiccups lately)...
---
Raphael See