NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma with Suzy Styles
Volume II, chapter eight
Dare ga nani o shimashitaka?
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SIGMATOME RATBAT
One-one
TENDO SUZY
One-one
TENDO NIKI
One-one
TOBOKI EUAN
One-two
KUNOU JARRAH
One-two
HAPPOUSAI GRAHAM
One-seven
SIGMATOME NICOLE
One-six
TENDO BOBBI
One-one
SIGMATOME LEN
One-one
TENDO FIONA
One-one
HODJSUKE TIM
One-two
KUONJI COLLEEN
One-ten
LIFE'S CHAMPION
Hasn't appeared in this series previously for even a moment
A. RATBAT'S BEDROOM IN HAKODATE.
[It looks different to the one she now has in
Tokyo, but basically it's the same sort of
thing.]
[CAPTION: Hakodate, Japan - Friday 29 September
1994 ]
[Euan drops back onto the bed, into shot. He is
dressed pretty much as he is in the present, and
his hair is shorter.]
EUAN: No-one?
[Ratbat also appears in shot, lying half-on,
half-beside Euan. He [obviously Ratbat-kun at
this stage, as there's no alternative] also
looks the same. His hair is the same length,
although here untied [Ratbats' hair always takes
ages to grow].]
RATBAT: Iie. [Giggles like a schoolgirl. How the hell
Ratbat managed to pass herself as a guy, even
with the body for it, I don't know.] They've
both gone to Tokyo for the weekend.
EUAN: No paranoid watching of the door, then?
RATBAT: [Sigh] Gomen...it's just...I don't think Chichi
would take well to...uh...
EUAN: To you being gay?
RATBAT: Nh!
[He pokes Euan's nose. Euan sighs.]
EUAN: Sorry, I know. Asexual, but seeing another guy.
He wouldn't like that?
RATBAT: Mochiron. I don't think he'd like it were I a...
'pillow-biter', as he says.
[Euan taps Ratbat's fangs.]
EUAN: I don't really think I'd want those near any
pillows I valued, either.
RATBAT: Han...I dinna think that's quite was he was
thinking of.
[Euan half-rises above Ratbat, running a hand
through his hair.]
EUAN: I think I just might know what he was thinking
of...
[Yes, we all know what he's driving at.]
RATBAT: Euie-chan...
[Leans up and kisses his forehead.]
RATBAT: ...I'm not thinking of it.
[Euan nods, playful.]
EUAN: Ee, ee... it was worth a try.
RATBAT [Just as playful, but rather serious behind it]:
It's just...not what I do, is it?
[And on this happy scene we suddenly freeze and
go to black and white. An audible beat sounds.]
B. EUAN'S ROOM AT KOCHAN'S.
[Again frozen. A still of Ratbat, half-naked,
blood on the sheets, shocked expression. We
start in colour, then fade straight to black-and-
white. The beat again.]
C. RATBAT'S DEN.
[The beat sounds again, and we find Ratbat-kun
[this is the present, incidentally] lying on his
bed, remembering, and deep in thought.]
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[Opening theme: Little Date [alternate version].
Finishes with a voice-over from Suzy and an
appropriate art-card.]
SUZY [VO]: Dare ga nani o shimashitaka?
1. RATBAT'S DEN.
[Pretty much straight on from the pre-titles.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Japan - Sunday 17 September
1995 ]
[Knock on door.]
SUZY [OOV]: Ne, R-- Komori-chan?
RATBAT [Self]: Cute. [Aloud] Come in.
[The door opens and Suzy enters.]
SUZY: Sumimasen. I just had to check that B-chan
hadn't ended up in the washing basket ag--
[realises] Ano, why are you in your otoko form?
If Nicole-san sees you like that, it's...
[Does a rather charming mime of seppuku. Ratbat
sits up.]
RATBAT: Because Komoriko did something I'm really trying
to block out of my head, so I thought I'd spend
a bit of time not being her!
SUZY: Oh yeah. That whole wake-up-unable-to-remember-
what-you've-done-but-evidently-having-lost-your-
virginity-to-someone-you-didn't-want-to-lose-it-
to-especially-seeing-as-you-planned-never-to-
lose-it-anyway thing.
RATBAT: Aye. I just wish I could remember what on Earth
made me do that. And with him, after...
[Suzy sits herself on the clothes-basket.]
SUZY: How much can you remember?
RATBAT: I remember going to the restaurant with
Euan...then it all gets a bit...fuzzy as soon as
I tasted his wine. Glenda, that must have been
some bloody strong stuff.
SUZY [Dry]: Really.
RATBAT: Oi! I can hold my drink, I can.
SUZY: Ratti - you couldn't hold your drink if you had
glue on your hands.
RATBAT: Och, I was yopparatta, OK? Even so - going
and...well...Euan...that was still a bit much!
SUZY: Nerf. I don't suppose you've talked to Euan
since any of this?
RATBAT: Havenae seen the geezer. Like I said, he was
outta there by the time I woke up. Glenda knows
where he is now.
2. CONSOLE ROOM.
[A big, slightly gothic-looking room with a
large, six-sided console covered in
anachronistic-looking controls on it. Working
there is a man in Victorian-era clothes, looking
at a screen suspended from the ceiling.]
[CAPTION: Time and Relative Dimension in Space
]
[Euan enters into all this from an internal
door. He looks about himself in his usual
confused manner.]
EUAN: Ano...sumimasen?
VICTORIAN: Can I help... [trails off, realises] ...how did
you get in here?
EUAN: Could you please direct me to Neribanda?
[The operator is genuinely caught out and tries
to think of it.]
VICTORIAN: Neribanda...no, don't tell me, what planet is it
on again...? Oh, of course. I thought it sounded
like an Earth name... Well... [Goes into
thought]
EUAN: Oh, don't bother. If you don't know, I'm sure I
can find my own way. Suman.
[He heads towards the huge doors at the edge of
the room.]
VICTORIAN: No, wait! I don't even know where we've--
[But Euan opens the doors and is gone. The long-
haired man rushes over to the doors and looks
out. He looks left and right, but can't seem to
see Euan. He comes away from the doors, and they
close. He shrugs, and heads back to his work.]
3. RATBAT'S DEN.
[Suzy looks up as there is another knock on the
door.]
RATBAT: Un?
SUZY: Dare desuka?
NIKI [OOV]: It's me, the cute one.
[She enters.]
SUZY: 'The cute one'. How are you the cute one?
NIKI: Oh, it's just a gift. Ne, what are you guys up
to?
[She places herself on the bed quite close to
Ratbat. He recoils, but then notices once more
that she's not doing anything else.]
SUZY: We...han...oi, what's happened to you?
NIKI: Nan?
[Ratbat sits up, pretending that he doesn't
really know why Niki's been doing what she's
been doing.]
RATBAT: It's just that, well...for the past few days,
ye've been acting a mite...odd in behaviour.
Particularly around me.
[Light shines into Niki's mind.]
NIKI: Oh, I see. Yes. I can see what you might have
thought about that, Batti-chan, but it wasn't
like that at all.
[Ratbat and Suzy, knowing full well what it was,
exchange glances.]
RATBAT: Oh no?
NIKI: Oh, no - that was just because I had the panting
hots for you.
[Ratbat face-faults.]
SUZY: Then what on Earth did you think we thought it
was?
NIKI: Ja...you might have thought I had herpes or
something.
[Ratbat's brain is blown.]
RATBAT: Why in Glenda's name would you have herpes?
NIKI [Sulking]: I could get it if I wanted to.
SUZY: Nerf?
NIKI: Yeah. In fact, I could pick it up wholesale from
my supplier, and pass it on at double-price.
[Suzy turns to Ratbat.]
SUZY: I'm beginning to wonder she wasn't better off
preoccupied.
NIKI: Ano, you are talking about something you don't
want me to hear. Otherwise you wouldn't have
changed the subject when I asked what you were
doing.
[Suzy looks at Ratbat. He nods.]
SUZY: Ja...it seems that Ratti might have done
something that she's not entirely proud of...
4. LIVING ROOM.
[Len the panda is humming to himself while
flipping channels on the TV. Nicole and Bobbi
are sitting on the couch.]
NICOLE: You know, Bobbi-san...that really is a clever
panda.
BOBBI: Hai...sometimes a little too clever...
[Len takes the hint and turns the TV off,
sitting there contented. There is a pause.]
NICOLE: Bobbi-san...have you ever considered having any
more children? I mean, you're not completely
past it yet.
[Bobbi scowls at that last part, but moving
right along...]
BOBBI: Well, I've thought about it, that's certainly
true. But ever since my husband died, I...well,
I can't, really. You see?
NICOLE: Oh, that. Len's your best friend. Couldn't he
help you with that part?
[Both Len and Bobbi stare at her.]
BOBBI: Uh...I'm kind of surprised to hear you say that,
Nicole. Isn't he sort of...your husband?
NICOLE: Oh, but if it was only for that. I mean...
[conspiratorial] ...it's not like he was ever
much good at it, anyway!
[She smiles naughtily. Bobbi's eyes bug out. Len
the panda blushes slightly, then keels over. In
the background, Fiona walks through, unaffected
as ever. She carries a clothes-basket with her.
Follow her.]
5. RATBAT'S DEN.
[Now devoid of youngsters. Fiona walks in,
carrying the clothes-basket. She stops. She sees
the basket already there, the one Suzy was
sitting on. CU on her face.]
FIONA: Oh, my. That's rather odd.
[Cut back to the other basket to show that it is
now not there, if you get my drift.]
FIONA: Oh.
[She puts the basket down, shrugs and exits.]
6. ON A STREET.
[Suzy and Niki, with Ratbat walking slightly up
ahead.]
SUZY: Are you going to tell me or not?
NIKI: Suzy-chan, we've already been through that part
about where babies come from.
SUZY: Not that. Incidentally, I refuse to believe that
you're the majority shareholder in Stork plc.
Yesterday you were ready to burst something
because you were as confused as all fuck over
you and Ratbat. And now?
[She snaps her fingers.]
SUZY: Completely over it.
NIKI: Oh, that. I...um...let's just say I found a
solution.
[She tries to walk on, but Suzy restrains her.]
SUZY: Let's just say what it is.
NIKI: [Giggle] I slept with someone else.
SUZY: You what? Shit - am I the only person around
here who didn't lose my virginity last night?
[Pause] Wait a minute... Ratbat lost it before I
did?! But she's, well...frigid! [Going off
again] It's because of this, isn't it?
[She palms her left breast.]
SUZY: Nobody wants a girl with only one, so they're
going for the other end of the scale.
[At this point Ratbat is returning.]
SUZY: Argh! I knew this kind of thing would happen!
Ratbat no baka!
[And she mallets him.]
RATBAT: Ne? Nan da yo?
SUZY: IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING NIPPLE!!
[Everyone else in the street stops and stares at
them. Even the flap on the nearby postbox opens
and a pair of eyes peep out. Our heroes become
aware of all the stares.]
SUZY: Umm...hi.
NIKI: Ne, ohayo gozaimasu.
RATBAT: Genki da?
[The people mill away again, and the postbox
closes. Ratbat turns to Suzy.]
RATBAT: Han... ye do remember that that was Euan's hat
that mammarially impaired you, don't you?
SUZY: Nerf. Ja, Euan just seems to have to take
something from every girl he meets, doesn't he?
[Looks at Ratbat, who is unimpressed.]
SUZY [Laughing]: I'm sorry, that was rather terrible.
[Ratbat throws up his hands and walks on. Niki
smiles wickedly.]
NIKI: That was a bit, wasn't it?
[The two of them start to walk on.]
SUZY [VO]: Chotto NIKI: Suzy-chan,
matte...Did we doko ni
tell her it ikimasuka?
was Euan?
SUZY: Hum? What was that one, sorry?
NIKI: Where are we actually going to?
SUZY: Kochan's. Ratti wants to return to the...scene
of the crime, as it were.
NIKI: Ne? Dooshite?
[They start to walk on.]
SUZY: I think it's like she...wants to convince
herself it actually happened. Or maybe it
didn't. You know how her mind works when it
comes to sex.
NIKI: Hai. It doesn't. Anyway, getting back - I told
you I slept with someone. Cheap losing-stuff
joudan aside, I didn't have sex with him.
SUZY: Nani?
NIKI: It was something I'd actually wondered about
right at the start. That maybe I'd just latched
onto Ratbat because he'd been the one I'd been
close to by sleeping with. I worked out...I
worked out that Ratbat's female side didn't do
it for me at all, which wasn't quite right...
SUZY: ...it being Ratbat we were dealing with.
NIKI: Exactly. But I couldn't just accept that. So
I...did it again, to make sure.
SUZY: And what happened? You felt the same way?
NIKI: Hai. So, somehow that, along with knowing why I
felt it...well, you know, it and the Ratbat
thing...
[Makes a semi-exploding gesture.]
SUZY: ...cancelled each other out! Aa, wakatta ne...
RATBAT [Off]:Hey! I dinna like being referred to as 'the
Ratbat thing'!
NIKI [Calls]:Don't worry, it's not you, Batti-chan, it's
another Ratbat-thing!
RATBAT [Off]:Hurt...!
SUZY: Honestly, Niki...sometimes your mind can be more
trouble than it's worth.
[Niki suddenly returns to that mock-sexy status
we've been seeing so little of.]
NIKI: Well...we can always forsake the mind, and
concentrate on my body...
[Suzy joins in, embracing her sister.]
SUZY: But Niki- Niki- Niki-chan...I'm a martial
artist. I know the mind and the body must be as
one...
NIKI: Then I'll just have to make my body just as much
trouble... [giggles sexily]
[Look up the street to Ratbat, sitting on the
ground, leaning on a vending machine and looking
at his watch.]
RATBAT: Today would be nice, kids...
SUZY [Off]: Don't worry, Ratti. Niki usually doesn't take
very long!
NIKI [Off]: Hey! Are you saying I suffer from premature--
Oh, chikusho.
7. TRAINING ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[Here once more. Kunou and Graham facing each
other off.]
GRAHAM: Now, Kunou m'boy...this shall be your final
test!
[Kunou is taken slightly aback.]
KUNOU: 'Final'? We have been training but days!
GRAHAM: I let you underestimate yourself at the
beginning of my teaching, my boy - your skill
wasn't too bad at all to start with. And, given
the...relaxed nature of our opponents, this bare
week of intense training will be more than
sufficient.
KUNOU: But, sensei...less than a week?
GRAHAM: I've been teaching you only the high fighting
techniques. Nowhere near the full array of
Rejinra martial arts, but certainly enough for
the battle you'll be fighting! Anyway! To the
test!
[Kunou looks around him.]
KUNOU: And what might this test be, sensei?
GRAHAM: I want you to unleash all your skills, and make
us of everything you've learnt...to fight me!
KUNOU: Anata? Demo, sensei--
GRAHAM: Don't argue with your elders and sexiers!
[Kunou starts, but moves into the battle pose.]
KUNOU: Hai!
[Graham nods to Tim, who stands by with a
handkerchief.]
TIM: Kunou Jarrah-sama versus Happousai Graham-
sensei. Victory on a knockout, leaving the ring,
or otherwise fighting to a standstill.
San...ni...ichi...sanjo!
[He drops the handkerchief. A moment later, he
stoops down, picks it up, and blows his nose on
it. In the ring that is the centre of the room,
the two opponents are staring at each other.
Suddenly, Graham reaches behind himself and
reveals a couple of fuse-bombs.]
GRAHAM: Happo dai karin!
[He throws the bombs towards Kunou. Kunou
grimaces, but:]
KUNOU: Kunou gomu no kyoi!
[He swipes his rubber sword, flinging the bombs
back at Graham, who has to jump out of the way
as they explode. He then stands on the ground,
and starts to focus his chi as he did when he
fought Ruthie.]
GRAHAM [VO]: Not bad, my seito, not bad...but have you truly
learnt of what I've been teaching you? Will you
prove to be the fighter I need for this event?
[Kunou glowers at Graham as he focuses.]
KUNOU [VO]: Do thy worst to me, sensei, and I shalt show
thee what Kunou Jarrah is truly made of. [Pause]
A pity Ruthie-sensei's already taken, she was my
sanban after Tendo Suzy and ponīteru no onna.
[Cut to Tim.]
TIM [VO]: I wonder when Fiona-chan's birthday is?
[Now, his hair all over the place, Graham is
ready, and he leaps towards Kunou. Keep a
Graham's-eye-view as he soars towards the young
samurai. Kunou suddenly tosses his sword out of
his hand and pulls a bra from his pocket.]
GRAHAM: Aa! Shitagi!
[He ignores Kunou himself, launching straight
for the support garment. Kunou lets it go as
Graham gets it, then Graham flies right out the
ring. Tim looks at them both a moment, slightly
astonished.]
TIM: Victory to...Kunou Jarrah.
[Laughing, Graham leaps to his feet.]
GRAHAM: You've beaten me!
[Kunou recoils for a moment.]
GRAHAM: Excellent! Wonderful, m'boy! You've shown me
that you truly did learn my most important
lesson! Always be sure that you know your
opponent! Now, come! We have a challenge to plan
out!
8. OUTSIDE KOCHAN'S.
[An establishing shot.]
9. KOCHAN'S.
[Colleen is here, cleaning things up. Business
as usual.]
10. EUAN'S ROOM AT KOCHAN'S.
[It looks pretty much like it did earlier this
morning, except that less of Ratbat's clothes
are around. Niki, Suzy and Ratbat are here.]
NIKI: How come you didn't tell Colleen what we were
doing? Isn't she your mate from waaaayy back?
RATBAT: Ee, but she still gets sensitive about the whole
engagement thing...she's cross enough about you,
if she finds out that Euan beat you to me,
then...[trails off, looks wide-eyed at Suzy]
Kuso. I hadnae thought of it that way, Suzy-kun.
[Suzy's face betrays that she hadn't either. She
now struggles to keep her emotions in check.]
SUZY: Let's...let's talk about that one later, Ratti-
chan.
RATBAT: ...Hai. [Pause] I'm just glad Colleen hasn't
come back here yet.
NIKI: Matte-yo! Did you say Euan? You and Euan?
RATBAT: Hai. [Beat] That's right. We never told you that
much, did we? It must have led on from that
deto.
NIKI: It's not just that! Euan was sleeping with me
last night as well, back at Dr Callum's!
[Everyone looks at each other.]
RATBAT: Nani? How late did you get to him?
NIKI: Not very late. Not far from here, in fact.
[Pause.]
SUZY: He's very...eager, isn't he?
RATBAT: Hai.
[Niki is looking around.]
NIKI: There's an awful lot of blood, Batti-chan. What,
were you trying to write your name or something?
SUZY: Niki...!
[Niki points to a spot on the floor.]
NIKI: Say, that bit even looks like a o1!
RATBAT & SUZY: Niki!
NIKI: [Sigh] Gomen. Just trying to lift the mood.
RATBAT: Lift it later. I'm wallowing.
[While Ratbat checks something out, Suzy goes
over to Niki, and they talk discreetly.]
SUZY: Niki...
NIKI: Hm?
SUZY: Well, we already know Ratbat wasn't at her alert
best when she came here. Euan moved on quickly,
and there is a lot of blood. You don't think
maybe...
[Portent facial expression.]
NIKI: What? You think he might have [pause, then comes
out with it anyway] raped her?
RATBAT [Normal level]: I doubt that, somehow.
[The Tendos start.]
SUZY: Hey! How come sometimes those ears mean you've
got great audio skills, and sometimes they
don't!
RATBAT: Sometimes I'm pretending I can hear you, and
sometimes I'm pretending I can't.
NIKI: Uh.
RATBAT: But, no...Euan and goukan? It's too much like a
long word: quite, quite beyond the geezer. I've
known him too long.
SUZY: True. I guess we have seen the way he reacts to
women.
[Mimes a blush and a nosebleed.]
SUZY: I don't think he could actually bring himself in
physical range.
NIKI: But--
[Ratbat glares at her.]
RATBAT: D'ye think maybe we can eliminate that option,
just while I've got a chisai bit of sanity left?
NIKI: Oh. Right. [Thinks] But why is the mess
everywhere? There must have been a bit of
action, whatever happened!
VOICE: That's it!
[They all look at each other.]
SUZY: Now, I didn't see either of you say that, but I
don't think that it was me!
[The top of a cabinet (which, come to think of
it, wasn't there this morning), flips open, and
someone climbs out. Wearing a nice frilly blue
dress and white blouse, we can see a brownish-
purplish-haired girl of about sixteen within.]
SIXTEEN: That's because it was me!
[The other three just stare at her.]
SIXTEEN: Kurenai Charlotte. Doozo yoroshiku.
[Our heroes stare at each other, then back at
the newcomer.]
SUZY: Han...ohayo. Te--
CHARLOTTE: Tendo Suzy, Tendo Niki, Sigmatome Ratbat. I
heard earlier. Sorry - I couldn't help but
overhear your conversations this morning.
SUZY: What? You mean you've actually been shadowing
us?!
[Suzy starts to seethe.]
NIKI: I never saw you.
CHARLOTTE: I'm a master of disguise. It comes with the job.
NIKI: Oh. OK.
CHARLOTTE: And not only that, but enough disguise work can
teach you to a bit of detective work, as well...
I think I might know the solution to your
problem.
[Suzy's mallet materialises in her hand.]
SUZY: Kurenai no--
[Niki and Ratbat stop her strike.]
SUZY: Nan da yo? You heard her! Shadowing us all
morning, disguised as who knows what?
NIKI: Never mind that! She said she knew what had
happened!
SUZY: So? Oh, yeah. I see.
[She lowers the mallet.]
RATBAT: Un. Hear her out, then you can pummel her into
the ground.
CHARLOTTE: Well, charming.
NIKI: Tell us, or my sister gets the blue light.
CHARLOTTE: Righto. Ja, I can't say for sure, but I think
this must be what happened. Ratbat, at some
point last night, did you get wet, or dirty, or
whatever...?
[Flashback to:]
11. OUTSIDE KOCHAN'S.
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Japan - Saturday 16
September 1995 ]
[Last night. Euan walks into shot with a passed-
out and dirty Ratbat-chan on his back.]
RATBAT [VO]: Dirty, aye. I think wherever Euan-kun took me,
it was probably a bum route.
CHARLOTTE [VO]: Then it all fits into place...
[Euan sees the building.]
EUAN: ...Kochan's!
EUAN [VO]: Colleen's probably still got the room I was
using set up! That'll do for one more night!
[Hoisting Ratbat up, he goes towards the
okonomiyaki-ya. Dissolve.]
12. EUAN'S ROOM AT KOCHAN'S.
[Euan walks in, and puts Ratbat on the bed.]
RATBAT [Drunk/asleep]: Hssefff...
[Euan looks at her.]
EUAN: No...I can't really leave you to sleep with your
clothes in that state, can I?
[The words might look lecherous, but he's being
genuine. He starts to undress her. He gets her
to about the stage she was at when she woke up
this morning when his brain kicks in.]
EUAN: Chotto matte...what am I doing?
EUAN [VO]: Awww no! Naked girl!
[His nose suddenly starts to bleed. He tries to
stop it with one hand while he continues with
his task, but it's too much and he has to stop.
Panicking, he manages to bleed over the place in
the same pattern we've already seen.]
EUAN [Hand over nose]: Bathroom...!
[He dashes out.]
13. STREET.
[Still last night, Niki comes down the road.]
CHARLOTTE [VO]: And Niki, as we've heard, has a plan to
solve her problem.
[She comes across Euan, wiping the final bits of
blood from his nose.]
NIKI: Oh. Konbanwa.
EUAN: Oh, it's you.
NIKI: What are you doing out here?
EUAN: I was looking for the way back to my room at
Kochan's after I went to the bathroom, but...
[Niki makes a show of looking around her.]
NIKI: Chikusho. I don't know where that could be from
here. [Fakes having an idea] I know where we
could go, though.
[Euan starts to follow her, then stops.]
EUAN: Wait a moment...how much is this going to cost
me?
[Niki fakes offence.]
NIKI: Euan-kun! Do you really see me that way, sucking
everyone for everything they've got?
[Somehow, a girl acting annoyed can trigger
Euan's guilt complex.]
EUAN: Gomen.
[She leads him off.]
NIKI: No, so long as you've got five grand on you, I
won't ask for a yen more!
[He sighs, and they're gone. As they go, the
shot angle changes to show that they were right
in front of Kochan's the whole time. End
flashback.]
14. EUAN'S ROOM AT KOCHAN'S.
[Niki is now being glared at by Suzy.]
SUZY: The worst part is, that all makes perfect sense.
[Ratbat sighs with enormous relief.]
RATBAT: Waaii! Yatta! [Kiddy-chant] Watashi wa mukizu...
Watashi wa mukizi...
NIKI: Aaa...Batti-chan, most of us wouldn't find still
being a virgin an achievement.
CHARLOTTE: Are you kidding? At age sixteen, in 1995?
Statistically, it's lower than the amount of
white people on The Cosby Show.
[Ratbat gives Charlotte a funny look.]
RATBAT: Aye, whatever. [Still in utter relief mode]
Glenda, I should have known Euan didn't have it
in him!
SUZY: Isn't it more important that he didn't have it
in you?
RATBAT: Ooh! Good call.
[Niki remembers.]
NIKI: Aa...now that we've saved Ratbat's mental state
and the local social structure, isn't there a
question left to be answered?
[They all look at Charlotte. Suzy picks up her
mallet again.]
CHARLOTTE: Dame! Look, I wasn't after snooping on your
problems! I was only after him, the wet-trannie!
[Points at Ratbat. (Duh, really? I thought you
meant the other wet trannie.)]
RATBAT: Why me? [Pause] Please don't tell me I have to
marry you, an' all!
CHARLOTTE: Umm...I don't think so. No, it was because I
knew enough to know that you'd eventually lead
me here!
RATBAT: Here where? Here Euan's old room, or here
Kochan's?
CHARLOTTE: Kochan's, tozen! The home and workplace of my
first and only true love, Kuonji Colleen!
[The others react. Speak of the devil, etc:
Colleen walks into the doorway at this point.]
COLLEEN: Hey, do you guys wa-- [Sees Charlotte] You!!
CHARLOTTE: Colleen-chan!
[She leaps towards her, laughing insanely.]
COLLEEN: Ahh!! Kuonji hera no kogeki!
[She whips the huge spatula off her back, and
uses it to hit Charlotte out the window (which
mercifully opens as she hits it). Colleen then
goes back to the window and bolts it closed.]
COLLEEN: Harrrggh!
SUZY: So, Col...not a relationship you want to renew,
huh?
COLLEEN: That was Kurenai Charlotte. He is the guy who
has been maybe the most annoying - apart
possibly from you - [Ratbat] pain in my arse
over the past sixteen years!
[On Ratbat, Suzy and Niki.]
SUZY: He?
NIKI: Guy?
RATBAT: Only possibly as annoying as me?
END CREDITS.
[With the alternative version of Equal Romance.]
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Toboki Euan
EUAN BOWEN
Kurenai Charlotte
CHARLOTTE SAROSSY
Happousai Graham
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Sigmatome Nicole
NICOLE WYLIE
COLLEEN [VO]:Hey...did Euan have another nosebleed in here?
Kuonji Colleen
COLLEEN HICK
Hodjsuke Timothy
TIM HODGE
The Doctor
PAUL McGANN
written by
URAC SIGMA
with
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
SUZY STYLES
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
(amongst others)
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/bundahalf.html
(c) Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVII