Okay, here's some C&C on Sailor Moon Reunion War.
*******************
Chapter One:
Good-by Home
Several Days has passed since the wedding and it has been a
peaceful
day so far with non of the usual antics of some of the districts
most famous >residents fighting and yelling at and with each other.
Well it was
a nice, calm, peaceful day, but that was not going to last... Ranma
Saotome >is talking on the phone with his parents. "You want me to
do WHAT?"
Nice introduction. One of the better fanfic openings (counting this
as the actual opening) I've encountered.
"You heard me, Ranma. You're aunt in Osaka is worried about
her
daughter, and she wants you to take
Need to work on punctuation/grammar a little, but then don't we all?
Also: Osaka, last I checked, was a city all by itself, separate from
Tokyo. Depending on who you ask, the cast of Sailormoon live either
in Juuban-ku or Minato-ku.
and visit and look out for her," replied Genma over the phone.
"But pop, what about Akane? Do you know what she's going to
say
about all this."
"Just take her with you. Your aunt is expecting you and her...
"
Nodoka interrupts Genma and takes over the phone. "After all
we don't >want you to be separated when Serena is now Akane's cousin.
"
"Fine, but let me talk to Akane first and tell her whats going
on and >I'll call you back. Bye mom and pop," replies Ranma.
Ranma hangs up the phone and walks out to the Dojo. Inside is
Akane >working out on her kata. Ranma walks up to her and puts his
arms around her >and kisses her on the back on the neck.
I like this paragraph. No special reason, I just like it.
"Mmm. So what did your parents call you about, Ranma?"
"My cousin... My aunt in Osaka wants me to visit and keep an
eye on
and keep my cousin, Serena, out of trouble. My aunt is also
expecting you >as well," replies Ranma.
By the way, this puzzles me: Exactly why is Ikuko-san (or whatever
you want to call Usagi's mother) call someone to watch out for Usagi?
I mean, I can kinda understand this with all the monster attacks
around and stuff, but...oh, well, nevermind.
Akane looks a little upset about the news but cheers up when
she hears >that she's been invited as well. "So when do have to
leave?"
Ranma looks into Akane's eyes. "As soon as you want to, I
guess."
Akane walks over to the wall and grabs her towel and begins to
wipe
the sweat off of herself. "Then you better call you folks back and
tell
them that we'll be leaving tomorrow. By the way how long are we
going to
be gone for?"
Ranma walks up and takes her towel and proceeds to wipe the
sweat
off of her, himself. Looking a little sheepish he says, "Well...
about a... >year."
Akane looks shocked about this revelation. "A YEAR!"
A year?
Ranma finishes his task and leaves to call his parents back
while Akane >remains in the Dojo completely shocked. Little do Ranma
and Akane know that >this trip will change their lives FOREVER...
Ugh...that last line is way too cliche. Might want to find something
better to put there--more subtle, give foreshadowing without beating
the reader over the head with it.
*******************
Chapter Two:
Meetings, Greetings and Remembrance
One board a train destined for the Osaka district sits Ranma
and Aka
ne, with Akane still looking a little upset and Ranma looking a
little >depressed.
ON board...
Ranma turns to Akane. "Look, I'm sorry, Akane? It's just that
their >family and you know how I feel when family is involved."
Hmmm...might want to change that (?) to something like (...)
Akane relinquishes and looks back
Should be relents. Relinquishes implies she let go of something.
<snip>
*******************
Meanwhile at the Osaka train station a girl, with blond hair
with two >ponytails with the tops in a sphere shape, is yelling out
and running as if >she's late for an important appointment. "AAAHHH..
. I'm late."
Another girl with short blue hair interrupts her. "Late for
what, >Serena?
"I'm Late to meet my cousin at the train station, Amy!"
Amy looks at Serena. "Umm... Serena didn't you know that
you're
already at the train station? Besides you're not late, in fact
you're early >cause the train hasn't yet arrived."
She didn't even know she was *at* the train station? I know Usagi's a
ditz but isn't this a bit extreme?
<snip>
Serena looks like she's about to explode. "How many times do I
have to >tell you, Pyro..., not to call me MEATBALL HEAD! Only
Darien can call me >Meatball Head!"
Rei covers her ears from Mt. Serena as she explodes. "Ok, ok.
Geeze >cool down will ya. And tone down the disables as well."
Decibles.
Amy interrupts the two because she knows what that it's best to
avoid >so much attention that they were getting by the crowd. "Hey
look, there's >Lita and Mina up a head."
<snip>
Lita takes this opportunity to get a surprised look. "He's a
martial >artist? What does he do, Serena?"
Serena taps her head as she concentrates. "Its supposed to be
a rare >form of martial arts, I just can't remember what though.
He's capable to >win any fight he's gotten into, or so I've heard."
Lita defiantly looks interested
Definitely...defiantly is a completely different word.
in Serena's cousin now. "Wow, he
sounds like a hunk. I've defiantly gotta meet this guy."
Amy interrupts the conversation and points off down the tracks.
"Well >here's his train now, I think."
The five girls watch as the train pulls into the station
unaware that >they are being watched by four sets of eyes.
*******************
What appears to be a guy with short, dirt blond hair looks over
at >*his* companions, a girl with aqua-blue hair and a girl with
short dark
Anou...blue? Every time I looked, Michiru's hair was sea-green...
<snip>
Susan gives Helen a despairing look. "I know but Queen Serenity
told us that they need to remember everything about their past and
about their families of the past."
Interesting point here: Which Queen Serenity? Serenity of the Silver
Millenium, or Neo Queen Serenity? Just a thought.
"I still think it's too soon for this Susan," replies Michelle.
"Very well we shall wait until the five meet them." concedes
Susan.
*******************
The train doors open up and out steps Ranma and Akane. Both
of
them are looking all over the terminal for Serena.
"Let me see that picture again, Ranma."
Ranma hands Akane a picture of Serena in a group shot with her
friends. Akane looks at the picture then up at a group of girls
that are >near the wall of the station.
"Look over there Ranma. I think that's her over there.
Strange but
I could swear that I've seen her somewhere before, but I can't
remember
where though."
The news, perhaps? <snicker>
Ranma looks over to where Akane's pointing. "Well lets go over
and
say hi then."
Ranma and Akane walk over to where Serena and the scouts are
standing.
<snip>
"Don't look now guys but they're coming this way." says Mina.
*******************
Ranma walks right up to Serena. "Umm... Serena, it's me, your
cousin >Ranma. I believe you're expecting me and Akane."
Serena looks confused. "Umm... Oh yeah that's right. But,
Umm,
who's Akane?"
Wow, she's more out of it than usual...
"I'm Akane," Akane introduces herself, "I'm this idiots wife.
The scouts all look at her in complete surprise. "His WHAT?"
Ranma looks a little embarrassed about their reactions. "Yeah,
well >you see we got married over the summer."
Akane elbows him in the gut. "Can we go some wear to talk in
private? I believe that there are some things that you need to know
about >him but it's a little private."
Rei speaks up. "We can go over to my place. Its on the way
to
Serena's home any ways."
The group leaves the station and walks off to the Hikawa Shrine
like >Rei proposed to everyone.
*******************
After about a 15 minute walk they arrive at the shrine. Upon
entering >the shrine they are greeted by Grandpa.
"Grandpa, I'm back," shouts Rei.
"Welcome home, Rei. Oh who are your two new friends here?"
ask Grandpa.
Ranma walks up to the old man and sticks his hand out and
greets
him. "Hi, I'm Serena's cousin, Ranma Saotome and this is my wife
Akane."
Okay, quick nitpick: As far as I know (and I could be wrong, since
Ranma does seem to have slightly different manners than the average
Nihonjin), Ranma would not offer a handshake. Instead he would make a
polite bow.
Grandpa looks shocked. "Wife!?! But you look only about 17
years old." Then Grandpa looks at Ranma a little strangely. "Are
you
cursed by the way?"
Ranma is taken back in total shock. "H... h... how did you
know
about that?"
"Well, you are radiating a cursed karma. It seems connected to
you
chi." replies Grandpa.
"I guess I should tell you about myself and what I've been
through." >Ranma takes a deep breath and proceeds to tell them when
he left home a the >age of 5, meeting Ukyuo at the age of 6, training
in Cat-fu at 10, his fatal >trip to Jyusenkyo at 16, meeting
This is one point that always puzzles me. Now, I have embarrassingly
little knowledge of the Ranma manga. I've heard about/read
translations of many of the stories, but I still know a lot less than
I'd like to. Now, all the evidence I have suggests that the Neko-ken
incident happened when Ranma was six, however, I have also seen many
times fanfic authors cite it as having happened when he was ten.
Which is correct?
Shampoo and having her hunting
him down, meeting Akane about a month later, his accidental bathroom
meeting >with Akane (in which everyone looked a little surprised
about and Akane gets >a little mad at Ranma for telling them that).
Ranma continues to tell them
Would Ranma really be this loose at the tongue about his life story?
of all of his fights ad rescue missions to save Akane, revealing his
curse >to his mother, the first try to get married to Akane, his
individual >encounters with all his other would-be sutures, the trip
to the
Would-be stiches? LOL. Try suitors.
<snip>
Rei once again bolts up in shock as she feels a great surge of
power >and runs out the door and everyone looks in the direction that
she ran.
"Whats with her?" asks Ranma.
"I don't know but we had better follow her or she might get
into >trouble." replied Mina.
And the plot thickens...
*******************
Upon exiting the Temple, Rei runs over to the steps and see's
Alex and >Michelle walking up the stairs.
"What are you two doing here? This is defiantly strange." said
Rei.
"It is not as strange as you might think Rei Hino." came a
voice from >behind Rei.
Rei turns around only to see Sailors Saturn, and Pluto
standing there each with what looks like a grin.
Real quick nitpick here: Pluto wouldn't grin. Pluto hardly ever even
cracks a smile. Pluto is almost as bad as most Vulcans when it comes
to expressing emotions.
<snip>
rhymed Pluto. And upon the command, a beam shot out from the Garnet
Orb
that rests on top of the time staff, shot out to the everyone's head.
Each >of the Sailor Scouts planet symbol began to glow and upon
Serena's head her >crescent moon started to glow as well. But upon
Akane's head the symbol for >the planet Earth shone brightly and
Ranma's Head had the Chaos symbol upon >his brow.
"`Tiss done." was Pluto's only reply.
Wow...Chaos symbol? And here I thought Galaxia cornered the market on
Chaos. Oh well...
*******************
Chapter Three:
The Truth be told.
Deep in the reaches of space a what looks like a rip or a tear
in space >opens up just outside of the solar system. Exiting or
escaping the tear is >a being of such power and blood thirst that the
universe has ever seen. The >one and only thought on its mind was
`REVENGE'.
Nice buildup. Cliche, but nice. After all, there really isn't any
way to make this sort of thing *not* cliche.
"Yessss.... Soon I shall have my revenge on you Serenity. On
you and >your daughters. Yes, all that stand and defies me shall
perish such death.
Shall perish such death?
<snip>
Pluto just sat there and kept an eye on everyone.
"Excess me? But could you tell me why everones asleep, Pluto?"
asked
Excuse...not excess.
Grandpa as he entered the room and took a look around.
"I mearly restored their memories and I guess the strain was to
much >for them." she replied.
"Do you think it was wise to do that?"
"Queen Serenity ordered that this must be done, so I just
simply >carried out her command." Pluto said as she looked at Grandpa.
"I wonder how mad Rei will be when she finds out the truth?"
"I don't think she'll be upset at all. I think she'll be
relieved to >now that you are her father from the Silver Millennium."
replied Pluto.
<raises an eyebrow> Fascinating...
<snip>
While Pluto and Grandpa were talking they missed seeing a body
move.
"Ouch what hit me?" groaned Ranma as he sat-up and looked around.
Nix that hyphen there, he's not doing exercises.
"Easy Ranma, your still a little disorianted from the memory
restoration that was applied to you and the others," said Pluto as
she >reverted back to her normal self.
Slowly, one by one, everyone was waking up from Pluto's little
treatment'. Although some wear a little more upset than others.
"What the hell did you do that for,"complained Alex as she rub
the s=
ide of her head trying to work of the headache she got.
"When everyone is ready and able I shall tell you the reason
why you >all were given back your memories," replied Pluto.
I have to admit, this is an interesting development.
*******************
Thirty minutes later, everyone has gathered in the Fire Room'.
The >Inner Scouts were sitting side by side in a U' formation.
Ranma was >leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed over his
chest. Akane was >sitting next to him, looking on with a curious
expression. The Outer Scouts >sit behind the Inner's. Everyone's
attention was tunned on Susan,
who stood near the center of the room.
Alright, can't wait to see what happens next with this one. Give it a
good check for grammar errors and such, clean it up a little, and
you've got a good fic here.
____
------------------------------------------------------------
The Eternal Lost Lurker
http://pages.prodigy.com/RMorrison
"mugen he to hirake fushigi yuugi"