Well, while I was trying (again) to write the scene which is stalling Ecchi
1/2, I instead came up with the following starting point for disfocused
Ranma weirdness.
This has nothing to do with Ecchi 1/2.
The story takes place after the end of the manga, hence Nodoka knows about
the curses, etc.
The Computer is Never Wrng
Pt. 1 - No more noise! The neighbor takes things into his own hands!
"Ranma, you don't want to eat her cooking, do you?"
"Aiya! Ranma no eat spatula-girl food! Eat yummy ramen! Shampoo make
special!"
"Ranma, how DARE you let these two bimbos hand-feed you!"
"Oh, Tendo Akane! Pig-tailed girl! How fortunate that I find you!"
"Harridan! What have you done with my loving Ranma?"
"You delinquents should be studying! I see I'll have to punish you
again!"
"What a haul, what a haul!"
"Ranma, my son, you ought not to let yourself look like that. It's
not manly."
"Ukyou-kun! Why do you break my heart like this?"
"Hey! Ukyou-chan was breaking my heart before you ever showed up,
copycat!"
"Ranma Saotome, now you DIE!"
"I'm RYOUGA, you blind idiot!!"
"Katsunishiki, don't hurt him!"
"It's your move, Saotome-kun."
"Son-in-law, what's wrong? I've never seen a person turn paisley
before."
The noise.
For the past two years, on and on and on, the noise never stopped.
It interfered with Yoshi's tinkering in the mornings, with his programming
in the evenings, with his secret government contratcts at night.
He had had enough.
With a flourish, he painted the name TATEWAKI KUNO on one of the
multiple gun barrels on the giant mecha he had constructed over the past
month. Each barrel had a personalized name, one for each of the
troublemakers, major and minor.
He was going to stop it at last.
"Hello? Is Ranma in?"
"Ah, hello, Dr. Tofu! How nice to see you!"
Zoink. "Kasumi-san! How see to pleasant you! I was just checking by
to stop Ranma. Is he in?"
"Violent tomboy food no good for husband! Go play with bricks and
leave Shampoo and husband alone!"
"Akane, it's still boiling! (at least I hope it's just boiling)
You're going to hurt him!"
"Serves him right for passing out after only one bite!"
"Ah, poor pig-tailed girl! How you must suffer from these foul
Lesbian slatterns! But yea, though the rose grows amidst the nettles, does
this detract from its beauty? Nay! for only through adversity does the
genuine sheen of excellence reflect the light of glory out into the-"
"GET LOST, KUNO!" *WHAM!*
"Allow me to take his place. Ah, such lovely lips, silently saying,
'Oh Mikaido, how wonderful it would be to-'"
"Margurite! Darling Margurite!"
"Who let THESE two in here?!?"
"More delinquents! HAPPO-50-YEN-SETSU RETURN!!"
The wedding had been the last straw.
The explosions, the property damage, the loud screaming, the martial
artists flying like cannonballs around Nerima, had intimidated the
Neighbor's Committee into silence. But not him. No, he would settle things
once and for all.
But first he had to make them SHUT UP.
"Get AWAY from me, you nut!"
"Charlotte! Azuza has found her darling little Charlotte again!"
"Ryouga, should you be telling me something about now?"
"Oh, my poor, poor Akane! Now her fiance is dead! Oh Saotome-kun,
how shall our families be united now?"
"I'm... not.... dead..."
"You'd better not die, you idiot! Now you're going to eat this lunch
I spent all morning cooking and you'll LIKE it, understand?"
"Ms. Tendo, isn't that in direct violation of the Geneva agreements
about chemical weapons?"
"From the way it's moving I think it falls under the biological
weapons ban."
"I, Tatewaki Kuno the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, shall most
gratefully partake of the marvelous cooking of Akane Tendo!"
"Help yourself, Kuno-chan."
"NABIKI! That was for Ranma!"
"Good! Now Ran-chan can eat -my- lunch!"
"No! Husband eat MY lunch!"
"Why won't you two get OUT OF MY HOUSE?"
"SHUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!"
The backyard fence exploded into tiny splinters, revealing an
enormous armored bipedal mecha, bristling with dozens of enormous cannon,
each of which swiveled to point at one or another of the gathered martial
artists. One even pointed beneath the house, where Hikaru Gosunkugi had been
taking pictures of Akane's shoes. (Gosunkugi simply didn't have the courage
to attempt a true panty shot.)
"Oh, my!" Kasumi said. "I'd better set another place for dinner!"
"FREEZE, KASUMI TENDO!" an amplified voice growled. "Now you're all
going to listen to me!"
"Why?" Ranma staggered to his feet, still feeling the effects of
Akane's creation; Kuno was squirming at his feet in agony. "You don't look
all that tough."
"Make one move against me, Ranma Saotome, and -all- the guns fire,"
the voice growled. "Some of your friends might not get hit, but a lot
-will.- SIT DOWN!"
Ranma, still grumbling, sat back down.
"Now then," the voice continued, "I have endured your noisemaking,
your destruction, your incessant bickering for the LAST TIME! DON'T YOU
PEOPLE HAVE ANY CONSIDERATION FOR YOUR NEIGHBORS??"
"Oh," Nabiki smiled, "you must be Mr. Kamimaka next door. The one
with all the weird gadgets in his-"
"THEY'RE NOT GADGETS!!!" Yoshi howled. "They're inventions! Divinely
inspired inventions! And I have invented the perfect machine to solve your
problems- or at least SHUT YOU ALL UP- for a week!"
This grabbed everyone's attention. "What do you propose?" Cologne
asked at length.
"You keep arguing over who is whose ideal mate, correct? Well, I
have devised a computer program which will match you all up to the most
ideal partner. You will all agree to set aside all claims you have to each
other and accept the computer's decision for one week. Agreed?"
"Why only one week?" Nabiki asked.
"That's when my lease expires," Yoshi replied. "Then I'm moving to
Juban to live with the monsters and Sailor-Senshi, who for my money make
much better neighbors than YOU!!!"
"And if Shampoo refuse?"
"Then I open fire. Jail can't possibly be any worse than the hell
you have made out of my happy, QUIET HOME LIFE!!!"
"All right, all right," Ranma answered, waving off Yoshi's rant. "I
swear on my honor to set aside all claims I might have on anyone else for
one week- provided that all others here so swear- and accept your terms."
"I swear too," Akane grumbled. "Maybe I'll get rid of this macho
jerk at last!"
"Kawaiikune."
"Baka."
"I, Tatewaki Kuno, despite my love for the Pig-Tailed Girl and Akane
Tendo, which is as eternal and undying as the-"
"KUNO!!"
"I swear too."
One by one, some eagerly, some only through great prodding by the
others, all of the multitude swore the oath.
"And I swear," Nodoka stood and raised her hand.
"Nodoka!" Genma gasped. "How can you simply forget the oaths we gave
each other so long ago?"
"The same way I'm forgetting -another- oath I took from you not
quite so long ago," Nodoka smiled. "After all, you haven't been a very good
husband to me, or a father to my son. I think a week of exploring my options
would be very good for me."
"WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Soun cried. "How can I allow this, my beloved
wife? Not only is my best friend divorced from my wife, now for the sake of
the peace I must be forced to be disloyal to you! Oh, the humanity!!!"
"Calm yourself, Tendo-kun," Genma smiled. "I'll join in this charade
myself, and the computer can hardly help but find that I am the best match
for Nodoka."
"But what about me?" Soun sobbed. "And Ranma and Akane, who knows
who they'll be paired up with?"
"Well," Genma shrugged, "there's still three chances for Ranma to
unite our families. Akane was just the most convenient at the time. Besides,
it's only for a week."
"BUT AKANE....."
Finally, the oaths were taken, and ballots handed out from a
compartment in the mecha.
NAME: _______________
AGE: _____ SEX: _____
Interests (list three)
_______________________________________________________
Which of the following is most important to you (check only 3)
___ honor ___ love ___ wealth ___ happiness
___ duty ___ intelligence___ strength ___ sex
___ glory ___ victory ___ friendship ___ image
___ family ___ integrity ___ skill ___ beauty
Which of the following is most important in your ideal mate? (check
only 3)
___ honor ___ love ___ wealth ___ happiness
___ duty ___ intelligence___ strength ___ sex
___ glory ___ victory ___ friendship ___ image
___ family ___ integrity ___ skill ___ beauty
What are your plans for the future?
______________________________________________
Name ONE person of the opposite sex who, under any circumstances,
you do NOT want to be paired with.
________________________________________
Thanks! :)
Genma looked at the last item on the page and groaned. "I'm doomed,
Tendo-kun," he sighed.
"Not at all," Soun winked. "After all, all the females shall list
the Master there and all the males shall list Cologne. It's a simple thing."
"You're right, Tendo," Genma smiled. "Victory is assured!"
Each filled out their ballot quickly and returned it to the mecha.
Once the last ballot- belonging to Ryouga, whose indecision had slowed him
more than Mousse's blindness had slowed him- had been dropped back into the
machine, it began to make a whirring noise.
"Now my program is scanning the data," Yoshi's voice called out. A
viewscreen popped into existence on the mecha's 'chest,' showing names
popping up in either the GIRLS or BOYS columns. "These are NOT the pairings,
by the way. This is simply a list."
GIRLS BOYS
______________________________________________________
Kasumi Tendo Mousse
Kodachi Kuno Onu Tofu
Azuza Shiratori Ranma Saotome
Nabiki Tendo Soun Tendo
Hinako Ninomiya Ryouga Hibiki
Akane Tendo Genma Saotome
Nodoka Saotome Happousai
Shampoo Tatewaki Kuno
Cologne Konatsu
Akari Mikaido Sanzenin
Ukyou Kunoji Tsubasa
________________________________________________________
"Hey!" Ranma shouted. "What about that wimp Gosunkugi? Where's his
name?"
"Hm," Yoshi grunted. "He didn't file a ballot."
Sure enough, Gosunkugi, still under the house, had frozen up. In the
Name blank, he had written GO SUN and gone no farther.
"Well, never mind him," Yoshi said. "This way, the numbers even up.
Nobody will be left out."
"Joy," everyone grumbled. A wave of disquiet passed through the
entire group as the same thought ran through each mind;
I think this was a BAAAAAD idea.
-end Pt. 1
NOTES:
Well, now I have to go through and make up ballots for all the
people above (unless someone else wants to do it) and start up the match-up
process. Here's one ballot, as a sample, which I can't leave to anyone else.
NAME: _Nodoka Saotome_____
AGE: _35_ SEX: __F___
Interests (list three)
_cooking, fashion, kendo___
Which of the following is most important to you (check only 3)
_v_ honor ___ love ___ wealth ___ happiness
_v_ duty ___ intelligence___ strength ___ sex
___ glory ___ victory ___ friendship ___ image
_V_ family ___ integrity ___ skill ___ beauty
Which of the following is most important in your ideal mate? (check
only 3)
_V_ honor ___ love ___ wealth ___ happiness
_v_ duty ___ intelligence_v_ strength ___ sex
___ glory ___ victory ___ friendship ___ image
___ family ___ integrity ___ skill ___ beauty
What are your plans for the future?
__have lots of grandchildren, learn to train a certain panda__
Name ONE person of the opposite sex who, under any circumstances,
you do NOT want to be paired with.
___Genma Saotome___
Thanks! :)
Anyone who wants to follow this up is welcome. I'll start work on Pt. 2,
which details the match-up process, as soon as all the ballots are finished.
Redneck
Kris Overstreet, will write for food... | "The universe is already mad.
http://www.txdirect.net/users/redneck | Everything else is redundant."
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