Warning! This is a really funky 'fic, the first I have ever finished,
and, although
it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, I just had to post it. After
all, it *is*
my first finished 'fic. Enjoy, or don't.
Oh, I do apologize for the funky formatting. I can't explain
it, but I
do
apologize.
Ranma 1/2 and all the characters involved are copywrite of Shogakakun,
Kitty T.V., and
Rumico Takahasi. I, myself, am trademarked, but copies can be had for a
modest cloning fee.
A Silly Little 'Fic With No Redeeming Qualities Whatsoever
A Ludicrously Early Production
By
Martin Metke
Scene: The Tendou-ke, at the table. The tableaux, the back
my head is to the camera, and facing both the camera and
me are Nabiki, Ranma, Kasumi, Soun, and Genma.
Nabiki: So, you're another one of those exasperating little
'fic writers, eh? Well, we here in the mainstream
Ranmaverse have *pretty* high standards. We don't
just let any old otaku waltz in and un-disrupt our
lives. You got any special powers?
Me: Well, my facial hair grows really fast, but I don't
think that qualifies. Hmmm. Special powers... nope.
Wait, I can... no, too embarrassing to be special. Naw,
no special powers at all.
Nabiki: ...no special powers. (marks this down on a yellow pad)
Well, you got any martial arts abilities?
Me: Um. Not as such. I can cut down 100 feet of dense
brush
in an hour, so I guess I've got some skills with the
machete.
I've never tried to use them against people, though. I
can pole-vault using a twenty-five foot stadia rod.
Does
that count?
Ranma: C'mon, don't make me laugh! I could take down a whole
forest with one shot! Kunou's got more goin' for him
than you, and I can beat *him* with my eyes shut.
Maybe,
just maybe, you could take out Gos, but only on his
worst
day.
Nabiki: ...Might...beat...Gosunkugi. (Scribbles some more, taps her
teeth with her pencil)...Three to one? Naw.
(Scribbles yet more)
Soun: Might you be a technical wizard, skilled in the
sciences?
Genma: Hmmmm. I doubt that, Tendou-kun. The boy couldn't be
more
than twenty, twenty-one. Most of the tech geniuses we
get are up
around twenty-four, twenty-three minimum. No, I don't
think so.
Nabiki: Not looking good, boyo. Any other skills you might use
to
survive around here? You cook? Maybe you're looking to
start up a rivalry with one of the chefs, get a little
relationship going, hmm?
Me: I make a decent instant ramen, but that's about it. Oh,
hey, maybe I could head over to Mishima Heavy Industries
and get a job designing 'mecha? I've had tons of
experience
at *that*!
Nabiki: Is that actual engineering experience, or just the usual
RPG stuff?
Me: ...
Kasumi: Goodness, not another one! I bet you don't even know the
difference between a phase coil inverter and a looped
collimation inverter, much less the important things,
such
as tensile strength in ceramic/metal plating versus the
kinetic energy absorption formulae for advanced
ferro-gels.
Am I right?
Me: uh...
Kasumi: Oh my. I didn't know people could *turn* that color of red.
Nabiki: Hmmm. No skills, no martial arts, delusions of adequacy all
around. This just won't do at all. Can't you do
anything?
Me: Well, I'm extremely well versed in... um...
Nabiki: What?
(I motion her to lean closer.)
Me: I have an incredible knowledge of <whisper whisper
whisper>
Also, I can <murmur murmur murmur>, and my <murmur
whisper
mumble>
(Nabiki leans back with an incredulous expression. A lopsided grin
sets her lips twitching, but she quickly regains control.)
Nabiki: Ahem, that's all very well and good, but this is the *real*
Ranmaverse. Things like that just don't happen here.
Pity,
really; things being otherwise I'd say keep you, in a
heartbeat. Any other abilities?
Me: Wait! I could train with Cologne!?
Ranma: Only if you like bein' turned to hamburger in under a second.
Soun: I'm sorry, boy, you just aren't amazing enough. Come
back
when you're a little less believable. (turns to rest his
head
on Genma's shoulder) Oh, and I thought he was the one!
(sobs loudly)
Genma: Don't worry, Tendou-kun, someday we'll get just the right
Otaku, and we'll all live happily ever after, but not
too
incredibly happily. Some day.
Me: Say, why isn't Akane here?
Nabiki: Are you kidding!? We don't let you guys meet *her* until
you've proven yourselves in at least one knock-down
drag-out
rumble; we'd be picking up tatters of dismembered otaku
every week otherwise. Just count your blessings, kid.
Me: Hold it! Nabiki, do you have a portable computer?
Nabiki: But of course. 500 yen per hour, no internet access without
prior credit approval. Why?
Me: Here, take my bankcard. I'll need ten minutes alone
with it.
Genma: What have you got up your sleeve, boy?
Me: (winks) Just my hands... I'll be right back.
(Nabiki and I trot up the stairs. Nabiki comes back after a couple
minutes; I don't return for about 15 more)
Me: Owatta!
Nabiki: That'll be 500 yen, plus access fees, plus tax, plus
exchange... 750 yen!
Me: (Pulls out a platinum-colored Visa card) No worries.
Use this,
that
blue one is a little old.
Nabiki: (Stares at the card, her eyes alight) I've never seen one; no
one has!
Soun: So what is it?
Nabiki: A White Gold card!
Kasumi: A White Gold?
Nabiki: Just as a regular gold card sucks in money, so a White Gold
creates it!
Soun: So what is it?
Nabiki: I think someone already said that.
Me: Instead of needing to be paid off, the White Gold
creates
money in my bank account.
Kasumi: A White Gold.
Genma: Someone said that too.
Soun: So what is it? Only joking.
Ranma: That was pathetic.
Me: Anyhow, I realized that I do have *one* teensy little
power,
and I decided to exercise it...et voila!
Soun: Ah, the legendary power of the otaku author. I've never
actually seen it, no one has.
Kasumi: So what is it?
Nabiki: AAAAH!
Genma: Only the truly insane otaku would even attempt to rewrite
the
fanfic he was currently inhabiting. It could cause
irrevocable changes to the fabric of the space-time
continuum, not to mention pissing the readers off no
end!
Me: But I AM insane! Now, I'll need to rent your computer
again
Nabiki. Ah, I'll also need to know everyone's favorite
partner, plus a secondary in case a more important
character
co-opts your favorite: I feel like match-making! Nabiki,
Kunou okay for you? I can put him on meds, if you like.
Nabiki: Hmmm. Can you make him just naturally get a clue?
Medication equals a monthly drain on savings; can't have
that.
Me: Of *course* I can! After all, am I not the ultimate
Otaku?
Nabiki: Say, you forgot something.
Me: What?! Where?
Nabiki: I think you mis-spelled Genma 'Genme' in a couple of places.
Why don't you clear that up before you start doing
anything
really big?
Me: Oh, right, okay. Hmmm, 'search', 'find', 'replace
all', 'me'
to 'ma'. And... <bing> Oooops. <poof>
(Me becomes Ma, short for Mother. I disappear; Mrs. Tendou
miraculously returns from the grave, and there is much rejoicing.)
Ranma: Geez, Nabiki, that guy was the stupidest *ever*! Even *I*
saw that coming!
Nabiki: Yeah, but we got Mom back, which is good, *and* I still have
his card, which is great. A White Gold!
Soun: A White Gold!
Mrs. Tendou: So what is it?
(Nabiki's left eyelid begins to twitch, and her face turns an amazing
purple color.)
Kasumi: Oh my! Nabiki, hadn't you better start breathing again?
(Fade to Black)
Soun(voice over): So, how was the afterlife?
Mrs. Tendou(v.o.): Well, I flew up into this white hole...
Genma(v.0.): A white hole?
Ranma(v.o.): So what was it? OWWWWW! What'd ya do that for,
Nabiki?
(And, this being a fanfic, they all lived happily ever after)
Akane(v.o): Ranma, I made you some fugu! Try it! NOW!
(But not *too* happily)
End.
[Scene cuts to the back of my head silhouetted by a glowing computer
screen]
ME>> BWAHAHAHAHAHA! It's DONE! My first-ever *completed* fanfic!
Now I can finally rest. Earned it I have.
[I collapse on the keyboard, safe in my insane little dream worlds]
[Fade to White]
End.
{Scene pulls back to show the back of my head, silhouetted by a
glowing portable computer screen. I am sitting on the floor in
Nabiki's room, typing furiously.}
Me: ...collapse on the keyboard...insane little dream... all
done!
{Suddenly, Nabiki enters the scene, reads over my shoulder.}
Nabiki: Man, you are *wierd*. I thought you were going to come up
with some amazing thing that would, for a short while at
least, give you the upper hand around here. All you're
doing
is messing around?
Me: Actually, I was just wasting time, waiting for you to come
back up here. D'you remember what I said my amazing
skill was?
Nabiki: I thought you said you didn't...oh, that!
Me: Yes, *that*. I thought I'd show you my stuff, maybe change
your mind, you'd let me stay...what do you think?
Nabiki: I dunno, I'll take a *lot* of convincing.
Me: Good, I like to convince people. Get ready, cause here
I
come!
Nabiki: Eeek!
{Fade To BLACK!}
Nabiki(v.o.): Oh, my!
Nabiki(v.o.): Ooooh, yeah.
Nabiki(v.o.): What...ooooh. How....aaaah,yessss.
Me(v.o.): Pretty good, huh.
Nabiki(v.o.): It's never been... like this. Oh, there, yes, again,
yeah...oooh.
Me(v.o.): I actually learned this from my mother, to tell the
truth, but I never thought it would get me
anywhere.
Nabiki(v.o.): There's something...ooooooh...something to be said
for handing down techniques...ah, doitagaindoitagainyeah
rightthereeeeeoooouuuuaaaah! Ah, ah, um, in the family.
I never even concieved that it could feel this good!
Me(v.o.): Well, what do you think?
Nabiki(v.o.): I can't believe your stamina! Aah, are we
finished already?
Me(v.o.): No, I meant, do you think I can stay around for a while?
Nabiki(v.o.): (sighs warmly, happily) I think we can squeeze a
practitioner of Massage Using Unusual Body Parts,
Including The Nose, Martial Arts in. Definitely. Can
you
do my calf again? That nose...
Me(v.o.): (chuckles) It's all in the muscle control, Nabiki.
Anyone could do it.
Nabiki(v.o.): Just as long as 'anyone' does it to my calf within
the next 30 seconds, 'anyone' can stay around as long as
he deems necessary...ummmm, that's exquisite...
Finis!!!!!!
Authors Notes (booo, hissss)
Heya!
This is the first fanfic I ever finished! Congratulate me!
Actually, this came about due to a tag line I saw on one of
SKJAMS' stories:
'Confessions of a modest Otaku'. It cracked me up, and then
for some reason I sat down to write and *this* travesty oozed
forth. Strange, isn't it?
Anyhow, my thanks goes to every fanfic author out there
(thanks!) for continuing to put out such great stuff. It's
always nice to come home, log on, and blitz my already
hazy mind with yet *more* incredibly readable Ranma. It's
practically Nirvana. Well, maybe more like Screaming Trees,
but you get the picture, right?
My thanks also goes out to whichever of you poor fools
actually reads this all the way through... you have my sympathy.
Owatta! means Finished! Garcon means boy. QED. Etc...
For those who wondered, I have been, and ever shall
be, your friend-no, no, wrong! I have occasionally been a land
surveyor. Yeah, those guys who stand in the road with that
funky pole thing. Well, besides standing in the road, we also
go out into the bush to find things (property corners, physical
features, Jimmy Hoffa, etc.) and that requires hacking brush.
I really have done 100 feet in an hour; heck, I've done 100
feet in half an hour. It's amazing how fast you can cut down
bushes when you pretend you are practicing a useful martial
arts skill :). Oh, and a stadia rod is a 25' tall fiberglass (or
GRP for those American-impaired) rod with markings every
tenth of a foot on one side, and every centimeter on the other,
used to find the relative elevation between two points. It
is usually only four feet tall, but can be telescoped to twenty-
five with only minimal fuss. It's fun, too!
Comments, Criticism, and grammatically correct, spellchecked,
well-written, witty, funny flames will be well received.
if you can't write a grammatically correct, spellchecked,
well-written and witty funny flame, let me know: I'll write one
for you, if you're nice about it.
Thank you all!
-Martin Metke
-Sleet01
-n9246789@cc.henson.wwu
// "She's dead, Jim, but she's still warm... I'll flip you for her!" \\
\\ -=-A Sick Minds Think A lot
Production-=- //