Folks--

I was in a very odd mood tonight, and this is what popped out when I sat
down at my computer. I may or may not develop it into a full story.
Please let me know what you think.

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KAFKA 1/2

A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Jonathan S. Haas

jhaas@microsoft.com

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Prologue:

Falling into the Spring of Drowned Cockroach was decidedly inconvenient,
but not without its advantages.

There are several, but of these the most obvious benefit of the curse is
the way it facilitates my career in espionage. You'd be amazed at what
people are willing to say in front of a cockroach. Roaches see and hear
things that decent people (and indecent people, for that matter) prefer
to keep away from public view. Of course, their first reaction upon
sighting me is usually to attempt to crush me, and that's why I
generally have to remain out of sight.

It was while conducting surveillance in my cursed form that I first
caught wind of the fiendish plot against the life of Akane Tendo. You
may be wondering how I wound up in Nerima in the first place, and the
Tendo Dojo in specific, and I assure you, it's quite a story. But it's a
story for another time. For now, gentle reader, you must merely accept
that I was there, in the kitchen, and I heard all.

Hearing all is part of my job. I was a spy before the curse. Whom did I
work for, you ask? Well, that depends on what time period you're
referring to. The list is long and distinguished, as I heard a character
say in a movie once. A freelance spy has troubles -- people tend not to
trust him -- but my reputation always preceded me, and various
organizations were always eager to retain my services. I got the job
done, so to speak. Occasionally my various employers would ask me to go
beyond the routine duties of a spy, and usually, I'd go along with it.
"Saboteur" has been added to my resume, every now and then. "Agent
provocateur", too, although I've never been quite sure exactly what that
means. It sure sounds impressive, though.

But I've never been party to an assassination. Not that I haven't been
asked. I have a knack for getting into places I'm not supposed to be,
and people know it, and naturally some of them have assumed that I'd use
that gift to get rid of a few inconvenient people on request. Nobody's
asked me more than once, though. I have to draw a line somewhere.

It's also not that I haven't killed. That comes with the territory. But
I only do it when it's necessary to save my own life, or prevent my own
capture. A few innocent guards who've had the terribly bad luck to
stumble upon me did not go home to their wives afterwards. I felt no
malice, nor did I feel remorse. They were threats, and they had to be
dealt with. That is all.

As I said, I was a spy -- and a darned good one -- before my little
Jusenkyo mishap. And as I also said, the curse has proven decidedly
inconvenient. For you see, my nature requires me to keep my curse
secret, lest I forfeit all benefit of it, and you've no idea how hard it
is for a cockroach to find hot water. Or perhaps you can guess. If you
cannot, you must take my word that it isn't at all easy.

None of my employers has been aware of my curse. In fact, as far as I
know, *nobody* is aware of my curse except for me. The Jusenkyo Guide
may suspect, but he didn't see me until after the fact. He saw an insect
crawling away from his cherished springs. I don't believe that he put
two and two together to figure out who I was, but even if he did, I
doubt he'd tell anyone.

Even before the curse, I was one of the best. I trust that I may say so
without any accusations of immodesty. I commanded the highest fees,
because I always delivered the goods. I've worked for individuals, for
private organizations, and for governments. Of these, governments are
the ones who tend to offer the dirtiest jobs, and that's why I try to
avoid them when I can. After I learned to use my curse to best
advantage, I still delivered the goods, only I did so much more quickly.
The only obvious change was in my name. I had a name before the curse,
naturally, but it was one I'd chosen when I was young and foolish and
felt obliged to stick to. After Jusenkyo, I took the opportunity to
change it, to "Kafka". It amused me to no end to hear my esteemed
employers refer to me by that name, with no idea why I chose to be
called so, nor how appropriate it was.

But I'm digressing from the point of my narrative. The point is that I
was there, in the kitchen of the Tendo Dojo, hiding beneath the
refrigerator, the day the conspirators first met. In whose employ was I?
I cannot divulge that information -- anonymity being one of the standard
clauses of my contract -- so all I can reveal is that it was a person or
persons who had a vested interest in keeping Akane Tendo alive and well.
Whether or not that satisfies your curiosity, that is all I can tell.

And so to recap. There I was, under the refrigerator. I was a spy. I was
a cockroach. And I'd never killed anyone who wasn't a direct threat to
me. I had no way of knowing that before the day was out, one of those
things would change.

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--JSH