On Mon, 7 Apr 1997 00:16:07 -0500 (CDT), you wrote:
On Mon, 7 Apr 1997, Andrew Huang wrote:
RpM: wild and random humor
just to let you people out there know I get moody on occasion as well....
(insert evil laughter here)
After readin' this...I guess he should take out that wild and random humor ;)
___________
On The Edge
I'm listening to the clouds roll by, feeling that chill in the air that
you always feel just before it's about to rain.
You know that chill.
Havin' read that, I did get the chills. Good way of bringing the reader into the
overall atmosphere of the story...especially for this scene :)
I believe that having it rain seems to make it even more melodramatic.
In the distance I hear the warning rumbles of thunderclouds, but I
ignore them. Rain isn't a big concern to me. Not at the moment, anyways.
Good sense of foreshadowing. When I read that, I wondered exactly what needed
more concern, which made me want to read further...
I'm sitting here, on the edge, wondering what to do next.
It really isn't clear to me, although I don't know why. I'm just...
well... here. I should be doing something, right? Screaming, yelling,
cursing, crying... something? But I don't know what to do next.
After having read that...I HAD to read on. Great way of bringin' the reader into
the story. This is and awesome 'hook'
"Hey, stupid, what're you doing?" I asked. He didn't really notice me
at all, just staring down from the top without any trace of emotion.
When I read this...I thought it was Ranma sayin' that. I never really recall
Ukyo referring to Ryoga in that fashion. I know Ranma doesn, but does Ukyo?
"Oh jeez," I muttered to myself. He wouldn't! Not Ryouga. No way.
"Hey, sugar, don't move! I'll be right up there!"
Oh...so I'm supposed to be Ukyo. If you didn't put in the word 'Sugar' I would
have STILL thought I was supposed to be Ranma.
Why was I helping this idiot? I didn't have a really exact answer
Does Ukyo think of Ryoga as an idiot? I always thought she considered him a
friend.
So I raced up to the top of the school, my footsteps echoing through
the empty building. I didn't like that, the echoing, I mean. It just
made things feel too... too... isolated. Alone. At the moment that was
the last thing I needed to feel.
I liked the echoing part. Good touch. Gave the story an eerie feel to it.
"Don't do anything stupid," he said again, this time with bitterness.
His face was twisting into something angry, something miserable, a mask of
utter rage and despair.
Or maybe that was his real face.
I liked that. Made ya wonder if the Ryoga we know was really the one in
person...
"Don't... do anything... stupid," he said yet again. This time,
though, he sounded on the edge of going berzerk. "Ukyou... do you know
what my problem is?"
I liked that. It made me wonder if I'm that's how a wannabe-suicider(is that a
word?) goes about speakin'. Does he repeat what he hears? Does he ask that
question so the person would know his problems right before he jumps?
At that moment he seemed to go from towering figure of anguish and rage
to someone... well... tired, I guess. Just tired with being angry all the
time maybe, tired at raging against everyone and everything.
When you mentioned tired...I thought it was tired, physically at first until you
cleared it out that it was tired emotionally.
"And what about Akari, dammit?! She loves you more than Akane eve-"
"SHE'S GONE, DAMMIT! SHE LEFT ME!!!"
I met Akari. Once. She seemed like the sweetest girl in the world. A
younger Kasumi with a pig fetish. How on earth could he have...
I don't know who Akari is, so I assume that the proper interprtation. No, I DO
know about Akari, but I don't really know much about her..except from a few pics
and the who's who faq...
He didn't want to cry. Nobody does. But I could understand perfectly
why he was, more than anyone else.
If he did cry...it'll make the scene much more....I don't know....melodrmatic.
"You really think so?" I asked, hoping to keep him talking. Maybe I
could just get him to talk himself into a calm state? It seemed like a
good idea.
"Yeah, I mean... you're smart, you're a great chef, and you're cute."
"You really think so?" I asked, smiling a little myself.
Hee hee....now's not a time for Ukyo to be smilin' ;)
"I mean... you're... you're strong, stronger than Ranma. You're brave.
You're kind, and sometimes when you try you can be kinda sweet."
Eek...that's not a good reason!!! That's great on your part because it
eventually means she didn't give a good enough reason for Ryoga to continue on
livin'.
Then he was gone.
I think I'm jus' evil. Me. Myself. When I read that, I went 'Ha ha, he jumped'.
Doesn that make me a bad person? I guess so ;)
It caught me by surprise tho. I was expecting him NOT to jump for some reason,
even though the earlier part of this story foreshadowed that somethin' was
terribly wrong.
I'm sitting on the edge, wondering what I did wrong. I'm looking down
there, into Ryouga's lifeless eyes, and somehow they seem to be peaceful.
It's the first time I've ever seen him peaceful.
For a moment, I envy him.
When I read that...I wondered 'Hmm, will that mean Ukyo will jump' But then I
realized that if she jumped, we wonldn't be readin' this ;)
Well, there's my C&C. Pretty useless tho. I didn't notice any spellin' or
grammar mistakes...but then again, I'm not the person to consult when it comes
to that. I'm notorious for mistakes on my stories ;) Wait, I have a reason for
that, my Ranma's girls was a draft. But I digress. Okay, I liked it. It was
short and sweet...um...maybe sweet isn't the proper word ;) I like the overall
feel of the story, but I realized that you should work a bit more on creatin' a
more detailed atmosphere. Aside from the upcomin' thunderstorm and the echoes in
the stair way, I didn't notice anythin' else to help further create the mood of
the story. I liked the questions that Ukyo asked herself. Nothin' much more to
say. I'm usually more meticulous when it comes to C&C, but the story was so
short that I couldn't do that much when it comes to that...
Oh yeah...y'know how it goes. I would say 'Keep up the good work' but wouldn't
due to the fact it sounds cheesy. Oh, wai, I jus' said that....nevermind ;P
-OneShot
Jeffrey Keith Wong: oneshot@ascensionet.com
If you're interested in reading all my fanfics, check:
http://www.rit.edu/~jkw7063/fanfic/index.htm
http://www.ascensionet.com/oneshot/index.htm
The latter site has been updated recently.
"There are two types of roses in this world: One is
where you stop to smell. The other is reading this"