Once again I inflict my C&C on the hapless FFML.

Rise of the Avatar Book One:
Right out of the gates I can say that this one needs some fairly 
heavy checking for grammatical errors. I ran into quite a few before 
I got into the plot good.
Quick note on Japanese spelling: The word for girl is spelled o-n-na, 
not o-na. (ignore the hyphens, they're just character breaks.)
I think I made this comment to someone else--don't capitalize -Chan. 
It's a suffix, and should be treated as one. 
<warning: Morrison is going into rant mode again....(groan)>
One thing that I have noticed a lot of authors doing that...well, it 
doesn't infuriate me but it is annoying...is this:

  Akane said, "Let's go, we're late for school." "Okay," said Ranma.

Although this isn't one of the more atrocious grammatical errors to 
make, it is slightly annoying. You should always try to avoid having 
two speakers speak in the same paragraph. Anytime someone new is 
speaking, you should begin a new paragraph to accomodate the speaker. 


  Kasumi said, "I was thinking of preparing a Western-style steak 
dinner tomorrow night."
  "That sounds GREAT, Kasumi!" Ranma enthused.

See how much more cleanly that flows? It also avoids the problem of 
overlooking a punctuation mark that can invariably happen to both the 
writer and the reader--if you lose a quotation mark in the wrong 
place, and don't have your quotes in separate paragraphs, it can 
create unsightly confusion.
<Okay, Morrison's quit ranting now.>

Storywise...there's nothing to comment on yet on this one, other than 
the intro paragraph. Sounds like something interesting is coming up 
though.

One Hour by Megane 6.7

Again we have this oddity: "Tendo doujou". The mind boggles. It also 
scrabbles, yahtzees, and...oh, right. Sorry.

Alright, I gotta say I love the treatment of Kasumi in this story. 
With enough fanfics like this maybe we'll convince the world that 
she's not a human reincarnation of a milk cow.

Now, there are a few grammatical fixed needed in this. The most 
atrocious is this one: "It sounds to me like you're punishing herself 
for being selfish..." But ten minutes spent reading over it will get 
the job done.

Oh...another thing. While it's correct to leave off the quotation 
mark at the end of a quote if it continues at the beginning of the 
next paragraph, if you intend to have any narrative between the end 
of the paragraph and the continuation of the quote you need that 
quote mark at the end of the paragraph. 

The kiss scene was quite well done. And the mysterious ending was a 
nice, if annoying touch. <pauses to choke the living shit out of 
Megane 6.7, then continues> ahem. I like this one. A little polish 
and a wax job and this baby's read for r.a.a.c.



____
Saraba da!
-The Eternal Lost Lurker
http://pages.prodigy.com/RMorrison