Urusei Crisis

j_kun@lni.net

Joshua P-Seames presents....

"What the....?"
An Anime Fanfic about total screwups (Don't go naming names now :))

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Chapter 1- Urusei Crisis: Part 1 
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        Lum revved up her Motoslave and let the throttle fly as the
wind flew through her thick, green hair. She'd just finished a
performance with her group, "Darling and the shocked Students" and
they had quite a good response with their new song, "Ichiban no
Hurricane." Lum thought that even though they had some good times,
it would be good to get home and relax in a hot bath. She looked at
the dark, MegaTomobiki skyline while she sped by traffic. It was
beautiful at this time of night, when you couldn't see the smog,
she thought. As she passed the bridges which led to the exit
off-ramp, she felt like taking a snack break first, at
McOkonomiyaki.

        
        The CD Police department S.W.A.T. team van ran the light and
motored towards the bleak Kanto area. The rip of the giant
earthquake from 10 years ago was still apparent, and was in some
cases letting water soak through into the mainland, in places like
suburbia. Another Jaru unit had been spotted, and this van was the
only one available in the area at the time. 

        Jaru units were small, dinky, robots who were disguised as
little floating babies with tigerskin diapers and a little horn on
the top of their skulls. They were famous for annoying and insulting
people to the brink of insanity, and could breathe fire too. Needless
to say, they were fairly easy to spot, disguised or not. They were
illegal, but certain factions and foreign countries used them
execessively. 

        Beside the van, there a few CD detective cars with all of
the available Detectives in them. In the foremost car, newly
promoted CD detective, Ataru Moroboshi, sucked on a lollipop while
his partner, Megane, drove the car. 

        "Moroboshi! Stop that disgusting licking sound and tell me
where we're going and what our strategy is!" 

        Ataru just sat back and laughed while twirling the
lemon-flavored candy in his mouth with his tongue. 

        "My dear Megane, calm yourself. Just think, when this is done,
we can go to the club and see Redet Lum! With that wonderful body,
and beautiful bus...." 

        Ataru felt the impression of Megane's elbow in his face.
"Moroboshi!! Stop thinking about girls for a minute, and think about
how we'll stop that stupid Jaru unit! Remember, hundreds of person's
sanities are at stake!" 

        Ataru thought for a moment while rubbing his swollen cheek,
"Hai, Partner. Let's go wreck us a JARU!! Victory!" 
        Megane just sighed and rolled his eyes. 

        The CD dispatch officer held the headset closer to her ear as
she listened to the latest report on the Jaru units. She made sure no
one else was looking as she slipped a small receiver microphone near
the speaker output. 

        Another person listened to the new Jaru report.  She was
going to make sure that this one wouldn't harm any more innocent
citizens. 

        A curly-red haired woman with a band in it, left an aerobic
studio as a small motor cart stopped in front of it. She walked
down to meet the figure inside. 

        "Lum'll spit bolts when she finds out we're not getting paid
for this." 

        The other figure responded, "These new units are getting more
dangerous with each day. Lum will have to put aside her monetary
concerns for another time." 

        
        Ataru's patrol unit gained on the Jaru, preparing
itself for armed combat with their new Mako Mark IV rifles. The
van passed the flying Jaru and blew open its doors. Several CD
officers began firing at once, while others readied small cannons
to put the cy-bot out of commission conclusively. The Jaru
easily avoided the blasts and counter-attacked with bolts of
flames.  The CD officers unfortunate enough to get in the way of
the fiery blast, were consumed with blackening smoke and heat. 
Their heads were black with ash dust, their hair singed, and egg
white eyes poked out. The Jaru was winning. It was succeeding in
annoying them. It responded with a metallic sounding laugh that
kept on repeating and just wouldn't stop. Grating, irritating. Just
like this story so far. 

        Ataru couldn't take anymore and jumped out of the car,
loading his Mako 1 Pistol. 
        
        "Moroboshi! What are you doing?" yelled Megane, "That Jaru
will gnaw at your soul!!" 

        Ataru didn't listen and prepared to fire as his aim found its
mark. He fired as the annoying little brat flew overhead, and missed
by just a hair's length. The Jaru sped away, its kiddy laugh
illuminating the silent night.  

        "Damn you, you little jerk!" screamed Ataru at the night. It
had just slipped out of his grip. Moroboshi tossed his pistol to the
ground in anger.  As the Jaru disappeared just out of sight, Ataru
saw a silvery figure in his peripheral vision speed past his patrol
unit. 

        
        It was just within range. The readings were sporadic, and
unusual for a Jaru-10 unit, but they would stop it, even if it
meant several therapist sessions. The masked figure was soon joined
by her two comrades. Where was the third? Oh yes, she was at work.
Static sprung to life in the internal speakers. 

        "Lum, head off the Jaru unit at Kitima Ave. Ran, try to stay
close behind it." 

        "Hai" responded Lum with an additional, "Yes, ma'am" in the
acoustic pickups from Ran. 
        
        Now the fun would begin. 


        Ataru jumped back into the car and slammed the door as quick
as he could. 

        "Megane! Follow those Sakura Sabers!" Megane just blinked in
amazement. 

        "You've gotta' be kiddin' me! You mean they're real?" asked a
quizzed Megane, "I thought they were just rumors." 

        Ataru just shook his head. "No way! They went that way toward
the ripped Kanto seaside area! Now, GO!" 

        Megane nodded his head and turned the car around. 


        "Ran! It's coming up behind you!", screamed Lum. The figure in
the red plated suit acknowledged Lum's warning with great precedence
and dodged the Jaru's flash of machine gun fire from its eyes.

        "Whoa! That was close!" shouted an exasperated Ran, "Thanks,
Lum." 

        Ran turned around and unleashed a round of slasher needles.
The Jaru managed to dodge them, but was struck from behind by Lum's
Head Slammer(TM). The Jaru's outer skin around the right side of the
face was immediately burnt and flung off. Underneath, a flash of
shiny metal was revealed, and an evil red eye glowed with growing
annoyance. (Terminator fans, hold back.) 

        "Idiots!!" screamed the Jaru unit, "Get the hell out..." It
took numerous swings at them while screaming profanities,
"Of....My...Life!!" On this final note, it smashed his arm against
Sakura's armor shell and withdrew.  Sakura's armor held quite well
against the blow, and she only backed up enough to let the Jaru's
remaining blows pass through. 

        "Sakura! You ok?" asked Lum. "I'm well enough Lum," Sakura
responded, "but forget me and...GET THAT JARU!!" At this, Lum, (in the
tiger-skin-stiped suit) tossed off her gloves. She revved up for her
lightning attack..... 


"DAMMIT!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!!" screamed Megane at the flash
of light ten times brighter than the surface of the sun. He
nearly swerved the car into a street lamp before stomping on the
brakes. Ataru ripped open the door and ran the rest of the length of
the road, where it ended....to a 100 ft. drop. The Earthquake had
caused it 10 years earlier and destroyed this part of the road. 
Below, Moroboshi could make out the remnants of the JARU below with 3
silvery figures standing around it.


"A Class F+ Unit" stated Ran. She looked through her visor for more
distractions but could find none, save the CD officer staring at
them from above on the demolished overhead freeway. Sakura tried
to run her hand through her hair, but finding none there, she put it
on her hip. 

        "Lum, good work. Your lightning attack is much more powerful
than any other piece of equipment I could design.  You saved us much
work." 

        Lum nodded in response but said nothing else. She was tired,
and she wanted some food! The 3 decided to take off at this. 


        Moroboshi sucked on his lollipop, as he stared down at the 3
figures in their busty 'Hardware'. 

        "So, these are the 'Sakurs Sabers' I've heard so much about"
he said to himself. 

        The Sabers finally flew away with their jet packs. A CD
Helicopter's search light shone on top of him and the copter lowered a
ladder. Ataru gave a thumbs-up and signaled down to the pit below. 

------------------------------------------------------------- 
Notice: Due to emotional trouble and insanity the author has gained
from writing too many fanfics, it has been decided that the rest of
this story will be written in script form. Any concerns or complaints
may be written to: 

Whywould I. Care
12345 Blahblahblah
Apathy, MI 10666

The managment thanks you and regrets to inform you that there is
more garbage yet to come.

Back to the story!
---------------------------------------------------------- 

(Scene: McOkonmiyaki)

Lum: (walks out of resturant) Yawn! What a night!

(It seems like fate has smacked Lum right in the face, for outside
in the parking lot of McOkonomiyaki next to her bike is Ataru
Moroboshi's bike)

Ataru: Huh?! LUM!!

Lum: Do I know you?

Ataru: Well, no.

Lum: Then I don't care about you. Goodbye. (Eats her food)

Ataru: Wait! 

Lum: (sigh) Yes?

Ataru: I'm your biggest fan!

Lum: And that's the first time I've ever heard that sentence
before. NOT! Buzz off. I hate cops.

Ataru: Huh? How'd you know?

Lum: The badge was a dead give away.

Ataru: Oh! Heh heh. Anyway, how about a date?

Lum: Didn't I say go away?

Ataru: You also said you hated cops. That's not the first time I've
heard THAT sentence.

Lum: (tosses him trash) Here, take this out. 

Ataru: What?

Lum: Take out the 'trash'. 

(Ba dum bum, <cymbal crash>)

Lum: Why don't you go hunt a Jaru or somethin'? (revs up bike)

Ataru: What about that date?

Lum: Pitiful. You're asking for a date and I don't even know your
name. 

Ataru: (grinning) That's easily remedied. I'm---

(the sound of Lum's bike drowns out his voice; she takes off)

Ataru: Damn. I'll get her yet! (inspired; raises his fist) As
Happosai is my witness, I'll never be a virgin again! (lightning
and thunder) Wait, that didn't come out right. 'I'll never be a
pervert again?' No, no, no. That's not it. 

(Fade out this scene; we'd be here for hours if we waited for Ataru to
get back on track. This scene was getting lame anyway. And WAY too
familiar.) 


(Scene: Genma Tower)