Welcome to the first in what will hopefully be a series of MST3K-style
fanfic commentaries. Why am I doing this? Because it's fun, for one
thing. Because there needs to be more public commentary on fanfictions,
and making it fun will hopefully encourage other people to do it, as
I've been encouraged by seeing other people do it.

This is unlike the actual show Mystery Science Theater 3000 in one
important respect. The show specializes in bad movies. Fics I'm going to
be doing here will be good fics that did not get the attention I thought
they deserved. The MSTesque commentary below is part helpful corrections
and suggestions, part just plain silly remarks (loosely) inspired by the
story that are merely there to amuse. The readers (especially the story
author) will hopefully easily discern which is which. In any case, no
insult is meant to the stories or their authors -- it's just a bit of
fun. I invite anyone to do the same to any of my fics.

I'm willing to take requests! See the end notes if you are interested in
having one of your fics MSTed.

			   ******

[Scene: We see Gary in a room which is bare except for a computer
console and some chairs.]

Gary: Oh, hi, everyone. I bet you're all wondering what I'm doing here.
Well, I was just saying that I'd like to do some MST3K-style funny
running commentary on some fanfics. Unfortunately, I didn't know that a
certain person was listening....

[Enter Ranma's two high school buddies, Hiroshi and Daisuke]

Hiroshi: Yeah, and he had to get us dragged into it too. This bites!

Gary: Hey, it wasn't my idea, you guys.

Daisuke: Look you guys, the computer screen is activating. The mad
genius who sent us here must be calling.

[They look at the computer screen, which lights up to reveal an image of
a man with a tropical landscape behind him. He is Principal Kuno.]

Principal: A-looo-haaaa!! Dis kahuna got de biiiig news! Today you gona
be readin' a fanfiction story, yeah!

Daisuke: Imagine that! What a surprise. Wasn't that what we were brought
here for?

Principal: You here fo' detention, bruddas. Fo' bein' late to class.

Gary: What about me, huh? I'm not one of your students!

Principal: I wen' downloadin' some of de fanfics from de archive lookin'
for ones wit' me in 'em. Guess what I find?

Gary: There are stories with you in them!

Principal: I'm in 'em, but I got no lines. Now you gona be here 'til you
writin' one wit' me as da main character! Anyway, dis one you readin'
now gon' be called "A Demon's Deeeeelight!" De story by Doug Murphy,
yeah! Roll 'em!

[The image on the screen is replaced by the text of the story]

From: "Doug Murphy" <Draxon-X@msn.com>

Draxon's Review Corner Presents
An In-House Production

Hiroshi: He wrote this in his house?
Gary: Probably doesn't own a laptop.

Ranma 1/2: A Demon's Delight

Daisuke: Today's special at the Neko-Hanten, the Demon's Delight!

        Sounds of Ranma and Mr. Saotome practicing penetrated the kitchen of 
the Tendo Dojo. Akane looked to her left, where Kasumi was working on 
breakfast.  She turned back to her skillet, which was now hissing loudly.  She 
grabbed a spatula and flipped the western style pancake over.
	"Why cant I get this right?"  She asked nobody in particular as she grabbed a 

Gary: "she" shouldn't be capitalized there.
Hiroshi: Yeah, and there's a missing apostrophe in "can't".

	Genma leaped at Ranma, throwing himself into a flying sidekick.  Ranma 

Hiroshi: You mean like Arthur the Moth-man? (Arthur voice) TICK!!
Gary: No, he means a side kick. Like a kick to the side, y'know? Here,
I'll demonstrate.
Hiroshi: OW!!
Daisuke: "Demon"-strate?

	"I've told him time and time again not to break concentration, even if it's 
for breakfast!"  He shook his head in dissatisfaction, then turned to Akane.  
He looked down at the table to see the... stuff that she had made for Ranma.
"Nice... Maybe the smell of a good, home-cooked breakfast will wake him!" 
Genma said, laughing at Ranma's fate.
Akane smiled as she grabbed the bowl and some chopsticks, and walked to Ranma. 

Gary: Was that supposed to be a new paragraph? Better indent it.

He had a nasty bruise on his chin, and as she drew nearer she could make out 
a twitching action on his lip. She put the chopsticks into the mixture, 
quickly realizing they wouldn't work. She then ran into the kitchen and 
retrieved a spoon: something not usually used in the Tendo household, but 
useful in situations like this.

Daisuke: (Tick voice) SPOON!!!
Gary: Enough with the Tick references already!

Ranma let out a sigh of pure relief as his senses told him that Akane was 
gone.  He began to sit up when he heard her returning.  He quickly looked for 
places to hide, and found none.  Disappointed, he returned to his original 
position just as Akane walked back into the room, holding a spoon in her left 
hand.  She placed the spoon into the now hardening mixture.  Suddenly, the 
mixture leapt up onto the spoon, Akane shrieked and released it.  The bowl 
began to dissolve.  Ranma bolted up as he felt an ooze creeping onto his left 
foot.
"You made this???"  Ranma asked, obviously frightened as he watched the ooze 
creeping toward him.

Hiroshi: I think we've lost our paragraph indentations.

"Foolish boy!"  Genma yelled as he grabbed Ranma by his non-infected arm and 
threw him toward the carp pond.  Ranma sailed through the air and out of the 
open entrance, loudly complaining about being thrown until he splashed into 
the pond.
"Why'd you do that!"  the now quite female Ranma roared.  Ranma then 
remembered the thing, and looked down at her arm.  A syrupy substance was 
dissolving slowly.  Ranma threw her hand back into the carp pond and shook it 
violently.  The remnants of the not-quite-food dissolved into the water.  

Gary: Wonder what that'll do to the fishes.
Daisuke: Think a monster will come out of the pond?
Hiroshi: (swamp thing voice) "Do not bring Akane's cooking here."

Akane rushed past Ranma, grabbing her by the back of her shirt and pulling her 
along.  "There's no time.  Besides, what good will hot water do you if your 
still soaked in cold water?"
"Alright! I can walk on my own."  Ranma-chan stated dryly as she set a pace to 

Hiroshi: Uh... dryly? I thought she was still wet.
Daisuke: It'll be fine with me if she stays wet!

Akane did not interrupt Ranma as she continued her insulting spree.  "I was 
nice enough to cook Ranma breakfast, so why can't he just say thanks or 
something?  Why doesn't he ever say anything nice when I try to help him?" the 
thoughts rattled in her head for only a few seconds.

Gary: If that was a thought, it probably shouldn't in quotes.

Ranma slipped through the quickly closing doorway, thinking of how he could 
apologize to Akane, then the thought occurred to him; Akane had cooked the 
disaster that caused them to be late, so what did he have to worry about?  He 
turned and looked at Akane, and paying close attention to her  facial 
expression, saw that he had more to worry about than he could have expected.  
Her expression showed pure anger, but was also on the verge of crying.  Ranma 
hated it when Akane was like this.  He knew that Akane wanted some kind of 
reassurance, but was also ready at a seconds notice to channel everything into 
pure anger should he say anything.  The tomboy.  Cant decide whether to act 

Gary: Can't

"I said GO AWAY!"  Akane crossed her arms over her knees and used them as a 
head rest as Ranma grabbed his backpack.  He silently slid it on, and walked 
away without another word.  He noticed that since Akane's outburst, the 
student population of Fuurinkan had migrated to the other side of the school.
At the corner of the school, Happosai watched intently as Ranma walked away 

>from Akane.  He had been preparing to raid the women's locker room but now had 

a better plan.  Soon he would have as many panties as he could hope for, and 
he would get them from Akane...

Hiroshi: How many pairs of panties could she *have*?
Daisuke: Wouldn't *you* like to know!

"Of course I'm mad at him!  What do you care anyway?"  Akane was now 
deflecting some of her excess anger at Happosai.
Perfect.  Happosai put on a very serious face.  "I also saw you nearly 
successfully harness a chi attack..."

Happosai suddenly became evil.

Hiroshi: Uh uh. Uh uh.
Daisuke: No. No. No. No.
Hiroshi: It took him years to become evil, from what I hear.
Daisuke: Yeah. He started when he was really young, too.
Gary: C'mon, guys, I think he meant that he suddenly got an evil
expression on his face or something like that.

"How did I get myself into this?"  Akane said as Happosai loaded more, and 
more, and even more women's underwear into a shopping cart.  When it was 
halfway full he dove into it, becoming one with the panties, immersing himself 
in silky style.  He disappeared, and seconds later his head burst out of the 
sea of underwear.  "Akane,  I can't thank you enough!"  He leaped out and ran 
for more racks, this time the bra department.

Daisuke: Doesn't he only want underwear that's already been worn?
Gary: That's what I always thought. If unused stuff was any good to him,
he'd probably be breaking into department stores at night to steal it.
Hiroshi: Maybe he got Akane to try on everything first?
Gary & Daisuke: NO!!
Daisuke: Don't be stupid! She wouldn't do that!

"I can't do that."  Akane said, beginning to come out of her state of 
amazement.
"You can my dear Akane... and you will."
Akane looked at her hands, then at Happosai.  "That's not what I mean.  If I 
get mad at Ranma and use that I would-"
"Don't worry deary!  This attack can't kill anyone, it wont even hurt that 
much, just enough to make Ranma think twice about what he says and does... The 
full effect cannot effect a human being."

Gary: That second "effect" should be "affect".
Hiroshi: How much you wanna bet he's lying through his teeth?
Gary: No, really! It really should be "affect".
Daisuke: He's not talking about you, y'know.

Akane approached the doorstep of the dojo and looked around.  Everything 
seemed normal, considering it was nearly 11:30 at night.  She opened the door, 
and walked to the back of the dojo, where anyone would be had they stayed up 
waiting on her.  She saw nobody, and walked up the stairs to her room.  It was 
dark, so she quickly flipped on the light.  She pulled off her sweaty clothes 
and tossed them into a clothes hamper. She was tired and dirty from the 
training; a fact she would have to take care of the next day.  She unfastened 
her bra and tossed it in the hamper,

Daisuke: (Happosai voice) Ah! Another one for my collection!
Hiroshi: (Akane voice) Give that back, you old lech!

then looked in her closet and retrieved 
her yellow pajamas.  She slipped them on and collapsed onto her bed.  She was 
tired and sore, but one thing seemed odd to her...
It felt good.

Gary: Bet that won't last!
H&D: Right.
Gary: Let's go on to part two...

Chapter Two: The Unforgiven
Theme Song : Metallica Black - Track 4 - The Unforgiven 

Akane arose from the blackness of sleep, the sensation of movement jerking her 
away from a peaceful dream.
"Akane?  Are you alive in there?" It was Ranma's voice.  Wait a second!  
Wasn't Ranma always the one impossible to wake up?
"Wha..." Akane yawned deeply as she opened her eyes.  Ranma was standing over 
her, with his left hand on her shoulder.  Ranma withdrew his hand as Akane 
became aware of the real world once again.

Gary: Did he go into her bedroom uninvited? Wouldn't that piss her off?
Daisuke: I don't know. I could go over to her house to try it myself and
find out.
Hiroshi: Yaright. I'll call and have your hospital room ready.

"I learned it."  Akane said, a sly, evil grin crossing her face. Ranma froze, 
then quickly made his exit from the room.
Akane grinned.  The days of Ranma being a complete jerk and getting away with 
it were over.

Hiroshi: Yes, from now on he's going to be only ninety percent jerk!
Daisuke: Better not let him hear you say that.

Ranma looked at his father, who was impartial to Akane having learned a 

Gary: "Impartial" seems like the wrong word there. Maybe "indifferent"? 

"Give me a break Akane, all I want to know is what this new technique of yours 
does."  Ranma had been trying to find out all day, with little success, what 
her new technique was.  Whenever Ranma had asked, he had either been ignored, 
or Akane had changed the topic of the conversation.

Daisuke: Be careful what you ask for, Ranma...

Akane answered, "It's a surprise."
Ranma walked down the stairs of the back exit to Fuurinkan High.  Akane 
followed shortly behind.  Her mood had completely changed since yesterday-she 
was partially cheery, and several test insults earlier in the day had shown 
her temper was down to the microscopic range.  He began to walk toward the 
tree that he and Akane frequently ate lunch under when he noticed  someone who 
was performing various martial arts techniques.  He had black hair cut just 
below the ears on the sides, with medium length vangs, and was wearing a pair 

Gary: "Vangs"?
H&D: You're welcome!

"Nice."  Ranma said, referring to the last bit of maneuvering he had 
witnessed.
"Thanks.  Name's Apsu,

H&D: Gesundheit!

Ranma opened his backpack and retrieved a packaged lunch made by Kasumi.  
Before he identified it's contents he ate it, breaking speed records across 
the globe.
Apsu retrieved his backpack, and began searching through it.  After a few 
seconds  He produced a
sandwich, and took a decently sized bite.  "How's life been treating you 
lately?"

Gary: Looks like a formatting error there.

"And just what are you going to do Akane?  Cook me something?"  He closed his 
eyes and leaned back.  If Akane had learned any special techniques he could 
handle it, and he wanted to know exactly what the old pervert had taught her.  
Suddenly the tree shook, and Ranma fell out, landing on his feet.
"Give me a break and let me get some rest while we still have some of lunch 
period left, all I need is to go in sweaty and tired from dodging you for 30 
minutes."
Apsu resisted the urge to impound Ranma.  If Akane didn't want him interfering 

Gary: I think you mean "pound". Impounding him would mean locking him
up.
Hiroshi: Which might not be a bad idea the way he's acting.
Gary: You could lock up Ranma, Ryoga, Kuno, and Mousse, and you guys
*still* wouldn't get any girls!

Apsu watched as Akane's fist sailed toward him.  He decided to do her a favor 
and let the punch land - it would hurt Akane a lot more to hit the tree.  
Akane's fist slammed into his stomach, but he had been prepared, and suffered 
minimal pain.

Daisuke: Uh oh...

Ranma turned to see Akane's fist release a blue wave of energy that began to 
pulse through Apsu, who either didn't know or didn't care about what had just 
happened.
Akane opened her eyes.  After sensing impact she had released the full might 
of the Sugoiken on Ra-Apsu?  "Apsu!"  She exclaimed as the blue field of 
energy completed its penetration.

Gary: Uncapitalize the "S" in "she".

Akane ran on, with no particular destination.  She knew Ranma was close behind 
her, and would eventually catch up with her.  Her instincts told her to run, 
and she did so.  From Ranma, from the school...

...from herself.

[screen fades]

Gary: So what do you think so far, guys?

Hiroshi: I like it so far! That was a very suspenseful ending.

Daisuke: Yeah, it's an exciting build-up. I still don't believe that
Happosai needed Akane to go to the lingere store, though.

Gary: Maybe it is kind of a plot hole. Okay, suppose you were Happosai.
What would you want from Akane?

Hiroshi: Uh... um... heh heh

Daisuke: Huh huh huh huh

Gary: Excluding things that you *know* she wouldn't be willing to give
you!

Daisuke: Um...

Hiroshi: I guess we can let this one slide.

Daisuke: Yeah, I can't think of anything either.

Gary: We'll be back with chapters 3-4 in a day or two. 'Bye for now!

			   ******

Alooooha, keiki!! Dis de principal speakin'! Got any fics you wan' dese
brudders to be readin' and makin' wit' de jokes? Make yo' request to me
care of kleppe@execpc.com . DON' be sendin' de fics until I ask fo' dem!
Jus' tell me which ones you wan' de boys to do.

De fics need to be ones dat were on de FFML. Recent ones are preferred,
'specially ones dat did not get a lot o' comments. De host, Gary, need
to be familiar wit' de series de story is based on. Ranma, or anyt'ing
else by de great Takahashi-kahuna, is OK. Or Ah! My Goddess. Fo'
crossovers, de host need to know ALL de series.

Write to de boys and let dem know if dere bein' funny enough. If not, I
be cuttin' down on dey food rations! Bye now!

Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics